I could still taste him on my lips, the faint saltiness of his sun kissed skin and the tang of Gatorade. I winced, shoving my hair back from my flushing face. Just thinking of it was enough to make my blood run so hot that it felt like fire was surging through my veins. It was so hard to keep my mind off anything but the way his mouth had felt against my own and how badly I wanted to feel his hands on me once again.
But we couldn’t do that. It was wrong, wasn’t it? Even though we weren’t biologically related, we were still siblings. Our parents would be devastated.
I wished that the thought of our family put more of a damper on my wildly beating heart and pulsing body then it did. It was a struggle to care about anything but that yearning inner desire that had unexpectedly bloomed inside of me, a desire only for Jaxon.
A hiss of tires drew my gaze toward the front of the hotel. I watched quietly as the familiar limo pulled into the lot.
Jax was on that bus, probably with an arm draped around Cynthia as he joked with his buddies. What had I been thinking? He was in a relationship. I was in a relationship. We were siblings!
What was I even doing here? Why had I come back to see him? I doubted he wanted anything to do with me, and this time I almost agreed with him.
I’d yet to fully mull over what he told me before the kiss, but his words ran on an endless loop in the back of my mind, constantly playing and tossing in my brain.
He told me he fell in love with me when we were teenagers.
Had he meant all of that? How was it possible? How had I never known?
Had he been in love with me all that time?
It was my fault that he ran away?
What would I do with this truth? How would I ever tell our family that it was my fault that he felt he had to run. Without even knowing it, I had hurt him so immensely. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes but I fought them. There was nothing helpful that crying would accomplish.
I wished more than anything for a moment of stillness in my mind. I wished that the endless questions would quiet for just a minute instead of battering my brain and making my skull throb.
As the chauffeur wandered around the side of the limo and tugged open the door for the door for the players to depart the sleek vehicle, I climbed hesitantly to my feet. Somehow, I managed to force my arms back to my sides though I wanted to pace around and wring my hands and maybe even run away as fast as I could. My whole body was a vibrating blur of uncertainty. If I ran fast enough, would I forget everything that happened?
Jax’s desire to leave us when he was eighteen suddenly made sense. Of course he’d left. He must’ve felt just like this, without a choice.
Swallowing the hard lump in my tight throat, I decided instead of running that I would keep my feet firmly rooted to the ground, gazing intently at the line of men as they flooded outwards back to the hotel.
They all laughed, shaking one another’s hands and celebrating. I’d been checking their scores all afternoon. During overtime, they’d managed a huge conversion and a touchdown to bring their draw to a win. I wished I could have seen it in person, but I’d ruined any chance of that with my hasty explosion of affection—a decision I still had yet to find an explanation for.
I had to apologize.
Not just for this afternoon, but for everything.
If he looked at me and kept walking, I would turn and head down the street back home and pretend it never happened. I would take our kiss to my grave like he tried to take his secret. I would never again try to track him down. Unable to stand still as the line of men got more and more sparse, I shifted from foot to foot and watched their lumbering, robust bodies heading toward the hotel.
Just when I’d given up hope of seeing him, Jax appeared suddenly at the end of the crowd.
He wasn’t as joyful as the others, which broke my heart. Instead of jumping around and reveling in the enthusiastic joy that his teammates shared, he only trudged behind them, gaze hollow and jaw gritted so hard I could almost see the muscle twitching from here.
I knew full well who was responsible for that. My feet moved to inch forward, but I kept them right where they were.
After everything I had put Jax through, even unwittingly, the last thing I wanted was to pressure him into talking to me again. The temper tantrum I’d thrown earlier in the hotel made me cringe now. If only I had known just what I was inflicting on him by chasing him down.
If he didn’t want to see me now, then I would just have to respect that.
Slowly, Jax’s head lifted upwards and my heart turned into a jackhammer against my ribs, slamming against the bones with such force that the breath was knocked from my lungs.
The lowering sun gleamed atop his beautiful chestnut hair, illuminating his head like a spotlight or a halo or a crown. My stomach flipped inside of me like it was doing cartwheels or somersaults or some crazy Zumba dance moves and my hand pressed instantly against my abs as though I was worried I’d be sick.
He stopped moving, his feet going abruptly still as he caught sight of me standing across the lot.
A wind blew, picking up my hair and tousling it over my shoulders. I struggled to remember how to breathe, a tremble rolling up my back. My whole body shook, quivering from my toes to my fingertips.
I’d never felt this nervous before. I’d never felt as though the whole world was shaking beneath me even though it was just my knees that were quaking.
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what I wanted from him. I just knew that I had to see him one more time.
For a second he stood still, simply staring at me. His beautiful eyes blinked once then twice, as though he wasn’t sure that he truly saw me before him. He looked toward his friends and my heart dropped into my stomach like an anchor hoisted over the side of a boat, crashing down into my twisting stomach. Then, he finally looked back at me.
Slowly, determinedly, Jax began to move.
That first step toward me was a relief. It washed over me like a bucket of ice water being hurled over my head. The second step toward me, however, reinstalled that same nervous discomfort that made me nauseous and made the world feel as though it were dipping unsteadily below me.
Oh God, what was I supposed to say? Was I supposed to grovel at his feet? Was I supposed to tell him that I would leave him alone forever?
One question replayed over and over in the back of my head: What was I doing here?
Closer and closer he got until I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t move, and then his powerful body came to a halt directly in front of me. My stepbrother stood so close that I could easily reach out and press a hand over his chest to see if his heartbeat was as crazed as my own.
He was so tall that his shadow seemed to swallow me whole, making me feel like a toy or a doll or something else so little that he could pick me up and set me aside without a second glance.
“Jax,” I breathed hoarsely, “I have no idea what I’m doing here.”
For a long breath, Jaxon’s chiseled face remained hard and stern before it softened slightly.
He was so utterly handsome that it was difficult to organize my thoughts into anything that made sense. All I could be was honest.
“I just wanted to say I was sorry,” I finally murmured after another minute of quiet, “I shouldn’t have done that.”
“No, Em. I should be the one who’s sorry,” he sighed, stuffing his hands in his pockets.
My eyes trailed over his body as he spoke. He’d changed since the game into jeans that were taught over his rugged thighs and a long sleeve shirt that made the bulging muscles of his arms look even more manly and strong. My throat went dry again as I forced my eyes back to his face, though my breath still refused to return. I could only pant, my chest rising and falling as quick as a hummingbird’s.
It was like I couldn’t look at him at all without feeling dazed.
“I never wanted to tell you all that stuff,” he continued, “That was for me to know and you…
well, that was for you to never know.”
“I’m glad you told me,” I insisted, taking a step closer to him.
We both froze for a second, like we were worried the other was going to go in for another sneak kiss attack.
“I am,” I continued, voice dropping into a whisper as those rebellious tears returned once more, “I’ve wondered my whole life why you left, and I’m glad that I know the truth now.”
“Are you?” he murmured back, gritting his teeth, “It doesn’t change anything for you?”
“It changes everything,” I responded frankly, and his eyes dropped to the ground.
“I won’t tell anyone,” I offered with a shrug as another chilly wind blew. While the morning and afternoon had been warm, with the falling sun came the falling temperature, “It’ll be my secret. Our secret. No one else will have to know.”
He didn’t answer though his eyes were appreciative.
I couldn’t read his face. I couldn’t tell what the slight furrow in his brow meant or the melancholy of his eyes.
“Is Cynthia waiting for you?” I asked, glancing behind him.
Among the herd of women and men, I hadn’t seen her eye-catching dress or those long legs that seemed to stretch on for miles.
He gave a slight chuckle and ran a hand through his hair, “Nah. I told her… after what happened I just couldn’t anymore…” he trailed off and gave a slight shrug, eyes averting once more.
I hated the happiness that bloomed inside of me when he said that. I hated how much I couldn’t tear my eyes from his strong lean body and I hated the way that I couldn’t stop imagining what it would be like to kiss him again.
“How long are you in town for?” I asked, internally begging myself to leave and go home and forget about this handsome man before me, but every time I tried to talk myself into leaving I came up with another reason or question to ask him so that I could stay just a bit longer and bask in his attention and the glory of his gorgeous blue eyes.
“We leave in a few days. Coach has a cousin in town that he wants to visit and next week is our off game.” His sentences were so short and gruff that he sounded almost like an animal barking.
It was obvious he no longer wanted to be in my presence.
“Ah,” I murmured, “Well, I should be going then.”
I took a step back, swiveling my body as quick as I could so that I could head down the sidewalk, but before I could finish even that simple turn Jax’s burning hand grasped roughly at my own.
I whirled back to face him, staring at where our hands conjoined.
Instantly, he dropped it, clearing his throat and blinking those beautiful blue eyes hard.
“I just… Em, I just wanted to tell you that I did like seeing you. Thank you.”
My heart could have exploded in my chest, I was so happy he’d said that. I nodded, biting my lower lip.
“I’ve missed you, Jax. For years I’ve missed you. I’ve watched all your games, hell, I have your jersey—”
I couldn’t even finish speaking before he abruptly stepped forward, wrapping his arms around my waist. My arms instinctively wrapped around his neck, hugging him against me. We clung to one another tight, my face burying in his shoulder. With every short inhale, I breathed in the faint hint of his musk, a fragrance as addicting and intoxicating as red wine. We stood there, embracing one another so tight that I was sure that my lungs would be crushed.
“I don’t want this to be the last time I see you,” I whispered into his ear before my tongue could catch up with my brain.
I regretted the request instantly as Jaxon released me, my body shivering in the sudden coolness that wrapped around me in the wake of his embrace. I stepped forward so that his retreating arms stayed lax on my hips. His embrace was so inviting that I never wanted to leave it.
“Okay,” he responded, “Tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?” I repeated after him in disbelief, almost about to pinch myself I was so shocked to hear his acceptance.
I’d been expecting him to laugh or to glare or to storm away when the request slipped through my rebellious lips, but I had not been expecting him to agree so quickly. I’d been hoping for fifteen years to be able to spend this time with him, and now it was my chance.
“If that’s okay with you,” he offered, arching an eyebrow at my obviously strained expression.
“It is!” I breathed, dragging him down into another long, tight hug from which I never wanted to part.
I wasn’t sure what this time together would mean. I wasn’t sure how it would unfold. However, I was sure that I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
We stood there interlocked in one another’s hold for several long minutes, our arms intertwined and our chests pressed heart to heart.
I wondered if he could hear how very fast mine was beating.
Chapter 8
Emily
The world had changed. I was almost sure of it.
The cool breeze felt warm, the salty scent of the harbor smelled sweet… It was like I was a whole other person as I made the long trek back to my home.
This time yesterday, I’d been intent only on seeing a brother that I had missed deeply, who’d left a void in my life when he ran away fifteen years ago.
Now… I was someone else entirely.
The lines of the sidewalk moved slowly under my feet as I stepped carefully around jagged pebbles and throngs of weeds and cracked pavement.
I almost felt like that sidewalk, all worn and jagged. I’d kissed my brother and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. My brain couldn’t seem to keep up with the concept of what I’d done.
My parents would be shattered if they knew what happened. First Jax runs away and then I start making out with him?
How could I have allowed it? And why couldn’t I shake it from my mind? How could I be so wrapped up in the remembrance of his warm mouth against mine, the silky sweep of his tongue twining with my own.
I’d felt more in that kiss than I had any other moment in the last fifteen years.
I paused, digging my hands in my pockets as I stared up at the approaching apartment complex.
It was dreary now, grey clouds billowing like smoke over the sky. It matched the grey paint on the walls and the grave sidewalk and the greyness slowly churning inside my heart.
Rick was in there somewhere, no doubt fuming and waiting for me to return home so that he could start yet another shouting match that I would lose.
I’d have to go back into that apartment and face Rick and pretend like I hadn’t kissed someone else.
How was I supposed to do that? How was I supposed to face the man that I claimed to love?
Love.
What a funny thing.
I’d always assumed what I felt for Rick was love. I’d never really dated before him. I’d never really met a man who could light my soul on fire. The slight attraction I felt to my dark-haired boyfriend had been enough for me to claim to love him. I’d never had anything to really compare it to.
But that kiss, there had been something raw and exciting and provocative in that kiss. Something that I’d never felt before.
My heart couldn’t decide if it was thrilled or broken at the thought.
I scuffed my shoe along the sidewalk, watching a small rock roll away and tumble off the curb. It skidded into the gutter, disappearing down the drain. I wanted to follow after it and hide away until my soul could sort itself out.
I couldn’t possibly be attracted to my brother. Though he wasn’t my own flesh and blood, it was still wrong. We still shared our parents, parents who would never look at us the same if they knew what happened between us.
I’d had the opportunity when Jax told me of his feelings to tell him that it was all right, that he didn’t have to worry about that anymore. Maybe if I’d done that, he would’ve agreed to meet our parents. Instead, I’d turned into some lustful animal and kissed him. All I’d ever wanted was the chance to be a good sister to Jax, so why would I th
row that away for a second of passion?
“Em, what’re you doing out here?” Rick suddenly asked, appearing in the open door of our apartment.
The abrupt sound of his voice made my whole body go stiff, my heart freezing in place.
He lingered in the doorway, crossing his arms and arching a dark eyebrow toward his dark hairline. A curious Ralph poked his brown head out from behind Rick’s lean leg, head cocking to the side so his floppy ears tumbled sideways.
“Just enjoying the weather,” I lied with a tense smile I hoped he couldn’t see clearly in the shadows, inching forward toward him.
“Well get in here, it’s about to rain. You didn’t even take the dog out for a walk.”
“Ralph,” I responded mechanically.
“What?”
“His name is Ralph. You always call him ‘that dog’ or ‘the dog’ or ‘it.’ His name is Ralph.”
“I know his damn name,” Rick muttered with a roll of his eyes, “What’s gotten into you today?”
“Sorry,” I sighed back, though the lack of sincerity in my tone made Rick’s eyes narrow.
Leaving a lingering look up at the sky, I silently plodded into our apartment.
Yesterday I would’ve claimed this place was a home but today it felt anything but that. I didn’t even recognize myself in the photos staring with glazed eyes out from behind the painted frames. I was a stranger in those pictures, living some life that I didn’t even know any more. It was like looking a TV show. I knew the plot but I didn’t like the show anymore.
“Come on, Emily,” grunted Rick, “You need to get out of the way. The dog and I can barely fit around you when you’re standing in the middle of the foyer.”
With numb legs I scooted to the side, letting Rick and Ralph pass by me.
Rick walked into the kitchen where the scent of spaghetti sauce bubbled. The smell was cheap and almost plastic-y, a canned sauce that Rick had probably dug out from the back of our pantry from who knows when. Rick had never cooked anything that wasn’t canned or frozen in his entire life.
Ralph bumped his warm, soft head against my hand, nuzzling his face into my thigh and letting out a quiet sigh. He’d missed me today and I felt bad for leaving him alone. I knew perfectly well that Rick would barely even let him outside.
Stepbrother The Hard Trainer: A Stepbrother Romance Book Collection Page 17
