by Gavin Atlas
“My eyes are fine,” Marco said, climbing out of bed. “I’ll read to you for a little while. I’m interested in what Xenophon has to say, too.” Marco took the book and sat on the edge of Teddy’s bed. Marco’s kindness had Teddy in heaven, and he watched the handsome Argentine, but soon Marco’s soft voice lulled Teddy to sleep.
The next day Teddy spent the morning turning out the horses that hadn’t been taken on the range so they could get exercise. Every so often he’d turn to see Mr. Lawson standing on his porch on what had to be the longest phone call ever. Twice he passed his cell phone over to Marco. A little before noon, Teddy saw Roy approach the corral with a savage look in his eye, a bullwhip, and the water hose.
“Please don’t do it, Roy,” Teddy called.
“That horse needs to learn to be haltered, and I’m the one who’s gonna show him I’m boss, not that damn foreigner.”
“Vic’s a troubled horse, Roy. It’s no use.”
But Roy went ahead and sprayed jets of water on the pinto. Each time, the horse would whinny in complaint and rear or run away. Then Roy cracked the whip, frightening the beast further.
“Roy, please! Tiring him out so you can halter him isn’t going to make him a trustworthy ride.”
Roy cracked the whip again.
“Don’t do that,” Marco said in a loud but calm voice. He approached Roy with his hand out to take the whip.
“You don’t tell me what to do,” Roy spat. He snapped the whip again and accidentally lashed the pinto’s flank. The horse screamed and crashed into the metal fence, snapping the bones in its right front leg. It fell, now lame, and screamed again.
“Vic!” Teddy yelled. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a flash of movement and then heard the thwack of a fist connecting with jaw. He turned and saw Roy sprawled in the dirt and Marco standing over him, inspecting his knuckles.
Roy stumbled to his feet. “You motherfuckin’ cocksucker. You have half an hour to clear out of here or I swear you’ll be at the wrong end of a rifle.”
“I don’t think so, my friend,” Marco said.
“Why don’t I see what Mr. Lawson has to say?” Roy said, rubbing his jaw. “Best pack your bags now, asshole.”
Minutes later Mr. Lawson looked Vic over and confirmed that the horse was too far gone and in too much pain to wait for the vet. Teddy turned away and nearly wept. When he heard the gunshot, all he could do was sit on the cold ground and hold his head in his hands.
Roy came up behind Teddy and put a hand on Teddy’s shoulder. “I know you were attached to Vic, but I had to. Work animals have to work.”
Teddy pushed Roy’s hand away, then stood and walked off. He worked the rest of the day without uttering a word.
That night Teddy was surprised to see Marco’s things still there. It made the pain in his chest recede. He collapsed on his bed, trying not to think about Vic.
Thirty minutes later, Marco came in. “They missed you at dinner. Shall I bring you a plate of biscuits and gravy?”
“Thanks, no. I don’t think I could eat.”
Marco sat down on the edge of Teddy’s bed. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, but…I don’t think I’ll ever let Roy touch me again after that. I don’t care if I’m lonely, even if it’s for the rest of my life.”
Marco gripped Teddy’s shoulder. “I can make sure you’re not lonely…if you want me to.”
Teddy looked up in utter surprise. “You…you mean—”
Marco cut him off with a kiss. Shock coursed through Teddy’s body followed by elation.
“I can’t believe it,” Teddy gasped as Marco kissed him again and ran a hand over the nape of Teddy’s neck. Teddy grasped the taller man around the waist and held him tight while Marco kissed Teddy’s face and throat.
Marco reached for Teddy’s belt. “May I?”
Teddy smiled, unused to being asked instead of told. “Yes, sir. If I can take off yours.” He reached under his mattress for a condom and a tiny bottle of lubricant.
Marco unzipped Teddy’s fly. “Calling me sir, eh? You do like being dominated.” He pushed Teddy back on the bed.
Teddy felt his face turn red, but he still had a big smile. “Yeah, I suppose I like it. Especially from a man as handsome and nice as you.”
Marco gave Teddy a wicked grin. “Then working here will be perfection.” Like Roy, Marco had Teddy naked in seconds, but that was where the similarity ended. Teddy luxuriated in the kisses and caresses the likes of which he’d never experienced. He couldn’t understand Marco’s Spanish endearments. “Te adoro, mi vaquerito.”
Marco put Teddy’s hands on the bulge in his jeans. “I don’t think I can wait anymore. Let me take you?”
Teddy moaned and obediently put his legs in the air. The Latin cowboy stripped, patiently lubed Teddy for a minute, and then slipped on the condom.
As soon as Marco entered him, Teddy knew this was different. Marco might have filled him and even stretched him, and his strokes were strong and ardent, but they were not painful jabs meant to demean and hurt.
“You feel so good,” Marco purred as he thrust in. He rode Teddy for several minutes as the younger cowboy moaned beneath him. Then he took Teddy’s dick in his left hand. “Come for me,” he commanded. “Let me know how much you like it when I make love to you.”
“You can say ‘fuck’ if you want,” Teddy said, breathing hard. “I like that word.”
“Mmmm,” Marco growled. “In that case, mi vaquerito, I’m going to fuck you and fuck you and fuck you. Every day.”
Hearing that sent Teddy over the edge. He grunted twice, his head and body began to shake, and then he came with a loud moan, strands of white coating his chest and neck.
“Oh, yes. That’s made you even tighter,” Marco whispered. His body began to rock with climax. “Oh, you are so good!” he yelled as he thrust in as deep as he could one final time.
They both breathed deeply and rapidly, looking in each other’s eyes. “I didn’t think I’d be that loud,” Marco said, an embarrassed look on his face. “Next time we should wait until later at night.”
Teddy laughed, his body still thrumming with pleasure. Marco cleaned them both off with a towel. Then he read to Teddy for a few minutes until Teddy fell asleep.
An hour later there was a loud knock on the door. “Teddy, come out here now!” It was Roy.
Teddy woke up with a jolt. “Roy, what are you doin’? It’s late! Are you drunk?” Teddy was still naked. He threw on pajamas.
“Get out here!” Roy said again in a fierce whisper.
Marco stirred and woke up. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing. It’s just Roy.”
Teddy stepped outside. Roy grabbed him around the waist.
“Hey! What are you doing?”
“Get up against the wall. It’s time for me to mount you again,” Roy said, yanking Teddy’s pajamas around his knees and attempting to bend him over.
Teddy fought him. “Get off!”
“I was outside earlier. I heard you and Marco going at it. Now it’s my turn.”
Teddy shoved Roy hard. “No, Roy! Never again.”
Roy set his jaw and gave Teddy a hard stare. “We’ll see, boy. If Marco gets me fired like he tried today, I’m gonna tell the Lawsons about your and Marco’s bedtime hobbies, and you’ll go down with me. Still not going to let me fuck you?”
“No,” Teddy spat. He tried to pull up his pajamas, but Roy wouldn’t let him.
The door opened. “That’s it. I heard him tell you ‘no’ at least twice, Roy,” Marco said. “Get lost.”
Roy glowered at Marco, but slunk off without saying anything further. Marco helped Teddy cover himself and led him inside.
* * * *
The next afternoon Teddy’s chest was tight with worry. He’d heard some of the men say that Roy had indeed been fired, and he hadn’t seen Marco since they both woke up. What if Roy did make sure they got fired? Marco might have to go back to Argentina. Teddy would ne
ver see him again.
It was late afternoon when Teddy saw Marco and Mr. Lawson drive up. He was so relieved.
He stayed put, pitching hay to Buller, hoping for Marco to come find him. A few minutes later, he did.
“We’re not fired?” Teddy asked, his voice hoarse with trepidation.
“No, Teddy. I haven’t been able to be honest with you. Let’s go to your room.” The taller man put his arm around Teddy’s shoulder as they walked. “My family owns a wool company, Lanas de Barini. When Mr. Lawson decided to sell, they sent me here to have a look. Mr. Lawson knew, but he said nothing so I’d get an honest view of everything. Yesterday, my uncle agreed to buy the ranch. The Lawsons can live here as long as they want, but I’m the foreman now.”
They reached Teddy’s room and went inside. Marco put both of his arms on Teddy’s shoulders. “Teddy, I’m the one who fired Roy. For being bad to the horses and bad to you.”
It took a moment for all of it to sink in, but Teddy’s breathing sped up with excitement. “So we both get to stay? And you’ll make sure the horses are treated better?”
“Yes, mi vaquerito.”
“And you’re my new boss?”
“Your new boss but also your friend.”
“We’ll still be able to…be together?”
Marco licked his lips. “Do you want to?”
Teddy flushed, but his smile was bright. “Oh, gosh. Yes, sir!” he said and leaned in for a kiss.
Engine of Repression
Christian fidgeted, avoiding the doctor’s eyes by staring at the word “Misfit” on his own wrist. Black letters and all capitals. He winced at a memory of being tied up in a damp basement, needles stinging his skin. The tattoo had not been voluntary.
“I’m not ready to talk, Doc,” he said. “I’ve only known you for a few weeks.”
Dr. Hall nodded. “It’s okay. Take your time.”
The doctor’s smile lit up his eyes, and Christian wondered if it were natural or if his expression was enhanced by so-called saint effects. It was legal for doctors to use them, right? Now eighty percent more trustworthy, a comedian had recently joked. Christian felt the air in the room change, a micro mist making it easier to breathe and relax. He inhaled.
“Jeremy told you correctly,” Christian said. “The train dream is the worst part, or at least it’s the worst of what he knows.” Christian sighed, about to make the same complaint he made to every prior doctor. “If cancer is a thing of the past and every STI is now curable, why am I still fucked up?”
The doctor gave Christian an understanding nod. “So much of the mind remains a mystery. Each generation discovers more, but emotional trauma will always exist. Thus, so will neurosis. The fact you’ve identified the dream as a problem and are considering the correction process—”
“I don’t think this will work, but I told Jeremy I’d do it if it meant that much to him.”
“Good,” said Dr. Hall with a sympathetic smile. “I imagine he’s so glad you’re willing to try.”
Christian was silent, again wondering if Dr. Hall’s charm was natural or enhanced. The room’s systems continually monitored Christian’s reactions and involuntary responses to subtle stimuli. A faint blinking light indicated the room had sensed his renewed reluctance and begun to recalibrate. The structured airflow and dim lighting of the office, the pleasant whirr of the placidity machine coming from behind him, and the engulfing comfort of the oversized chair adjusted to Christian’s mood and subconscious preferences. The doctor smiled and waited for Christian to find his words.
“I can only have sex if I’m raped. If I’m not forced, it’s…it’s wrong. The train dream comes back.”
Dr. Hall stroked his chin. “Again, I’m proud of you for the steps you’ve taken to stay away from men who rape you. I know treatments to counteract the pellet chemicals are painful, especially so long after the injection. I imagine Jeremy is proud of you, too. Have you thought about role-playing where perhaps Jeremy is pretending to be forceful?”
Christian shook his head. “Not exactly. He doesn’t want to risk that I’ll associate him with rapists if he’s rough. He did say if you thought it would help, he would try. He’s so patient. We’ve dated for months now, and he’s never gotten inside me. He says he wants me to jerk off when he’s penetrating me. He says he won’t enjoy it unless I come. I can’t do that. It’s not right. But he’s very clear. He says he would love to top me every day all day, but the pleasure needs to be mutual. I wish I could give him what he wants.”
“I see. Before we get to the dream, I’d like to hear about your rape situation.” Dr. Hall folded his hands and frowned, pausing before speaking. “You should know I don’t approve of the program, though I believe I am still able to discuss the aspects of the system without judgment.”
Christian nodded.
“However, Jeremy is from a part of the country where they won’t even discuss a rape program. How did you bring up the fact that you’re a…participant?”
Christian took quick, shallow breaths. “I told him right away. I didn’t want to keep something like that from him. He was perplexed, but he didn’t seem to be too concerned. Now I guess he’s wondering why it’s not going away if I’m in love with him. And why would someone want that to begin with?”
“An excellent question, Christian. I know that circumstances for you were unusual, but you still…allowed events to unfold. Why do you think that is?”
Christian blinked and steadied himself. He had to be honest. For Jeremy, he had to be. “Because I think, on some level, I must want sex.” His throat nearly closed, but he’d gotten the words out. He took a deep breath. “I can’t get over the feelings that it’s wrong. That I’m disgusting. So if I’m raped, it’s…it’s not my fault. It’s not my responsibility at all.”
Dr. Hall stroked his chin and nodded.
“And it’s more than that,” continued Christian. This part was easier. “Studies show that cities with rape programs have many fewer incidents of true rape. So, I know this is screwed up,” Christian said, his shame returning, “but it’s like I’ve found a way to feel getting fucked makes me a good boy.”
Christian could see Dr. Hall’s face had reddened. “It makes me sad that you feel you have to be so self-destructive to be a good boy.”
Christian looked away to give his parroted response. “The clinic’s counselor says signing up for a tour of duty with the army is much more dangerous, and no one says they’re being self-destructive.”
Dr. Hall winced and shook his head. “I have it in my notes that your mother is a part of the train dream. I don’t want to make an assumption, but, nine times out of ten, when I have young gay male patients in your situation, their parents are members of the Revisionist Church. Are yours?”
“My father is a deacon, so, of course, they had to kick me out. My mother was devastated. When I told her, she…she was so upset. I haven’t heard from them. I’m worried that she’s dead…that what I am killed her.”
Dr. Hall cocked his head. “They threw you out. You don’t seem angry. You seem worried about their welfare.”
“They were both raised in the faith. It’s not right to blame them.”
“Fair enough,” said Dr. Hall. “Instead of blaming, we’ll try to fix. Corrective Oneirology may be new, but it’s been successful in treating psychosexual dysfunction.” The doctor folded his hands. “Are you comfortable enough to discuss the dream, Christian? Are you ready?”
Christian swallowed and took a series of deep breaths. “I’m on a train. Not a maglev or a hover train. One from the old movies that billows steam. It’s hurtling along a track, much too fast to be safe. It’s headed for a tunnel at the base of a volcano. It seems like we’re out of control. And…and there are always some pirates.”
Dr. Hall raised an eyebrow. “A train headed for a tunnel? Really? That’s a rather obvious symbol.”
“I know. But that’s my dream.”
“Tell me about the pirate
s.”
Christian shook his head. “I don’t get that. But there are pirates swarming the train. The seafaring kind complete with tricorne hats and brandishing sabers out the windows. And my mom is there. She’s standing in an outfit that, I don’t know, Queen Victoria might have worn when she was in mourning. You know, all black with a veil. And she’s wailing and crying and wringing her hands.”
“And what are you doing in the dream?”
“I think…I’m just sitting there, upset that my mom is so frantic. I’m helpless and can’t speak. Or maybe, sometimes, I am the train because somehow I know that the train is nervous. It’s unhappy that it can’t stop.”
“I see. You can’t stop. You have no choice. Then what?”
“Then we enter the tunnel, and the train slowly disappears. The pirates and I are climbing rocks that glow a faint red. I rest my head on one, and it’s very warm. Then I wake up, and most times I start crying.”
“Where is your mother when you’re climbing the rocks?”
“I don’t know. She’s gone. I think she’s dead.” Christian began to cry. “I think the dream says I killed her. She was sobbing so hard and she was so upset that she couldn’t breathe. So she choked and she died. Because I embarrassed her so much.” Christian covered his face with both hands and rocked back and forth.
Dr. Hall spoke softly. “Christian, I’m so sorry you’ve been living with this for so long. But…I believe Jeremy said you had this dream even before they kicked you out. Since you were quite young.”
“Yes. I’ve known for a long while that what I am is shameful. Abominable.”
“Hmm, pirates. Are you familiar with the Peter Pan story?”
Christian stopped rocking and gave the doctor a surprised look. “Yes, it was one of my favorites. How did you know?”
“It creates an iconic image. Pirates capturing young men or, actually, boys. So a pirate might have a lot of power over someone innocent and boyish.” Dr. Hall gave Christian an inquisitive look.
