“You obviously didn’t try fucking hard enough. You kept my daughter away from me.” He shouts at me.
“Fuck you, I tried to tell you. You fucked off and left us, if I meant that much to you, you would have tried talking to me, but you didn’t. Don’t you dare put this on me. This is all down to you and that fucking mother of yours.” I can’t believe this shit, I hate Owen for making me go through this. This was one wound I never wanted reopened.
“I can’t believe that the mother of my child is a fucking stripper. Do you sell your body too?”
I slap him, I didn’t even realize that I had done it until my hand was across his face. “You piece of shit. Go fuck yourself, you bastard.”
“You’d like that Jess wouldn’t you? For me to go away and leave you alone?” he’s such a condescending prick.
“It’s what your good at isn’t it? Tell me something Hunter, when was the last time you thought about that baby you thought I aborted?” he doesn’t answer me. “Yeah that’s what I thought, you’re mad and you have no reason to be. You didn’t even think of the baby. You’re a selfish bastard.”
“If I had known that you had my daughter I would have been here for you.” He’s raging mad.
“You might have, but I wouldn’t have gone to Devon. There was no way I was leaving the boys, so you would have had to stay here and you would have resented us.” I can tell by his face that I’m right. “Why are you here? You know that your mum lied to us, but I still don’t know why you’re here, what did you hope to accomplish?”
“I don’t know all I know is that I wanted to fix things between us! Fucking hell Jess, you were my everything. But I find out that you didn’t kill my kid you just kept her from me instead. Do you hate me that much?” He’s not bloody listening to me; he’s just going around in circles.
“I didn’t keep her from you, I told you so many times and you’re just pissing me off now. If you want someone to have a go at, go see your mother. I’ve done nothing wrong.” And I haven’t, I’m cold and tired and I just want to go back upstairs and cuddle with my baby.
“You’ve done nothing wrong? You’re a fucking stripper. You’re showing my daughter that it’s okay to sell your body. Do you have no morals?”
“How dare you. It’s alright for you with your rich parents and your football career. What about me? Hmm? I had to leave school, I had to give up my dreams while you got to live out yours. I had three kids to look after, while you were out partying. I went days without food so that those kids could eat and stay warm. So yes, I’m a pole dancer and I’ve taught my daughter that nothing can bring you down, that working hard is the way to be and that family is everything.” I’m shaking with the anger, I can’t believe him, how dare he judge me?
“I can’t believe that I used to love you.” That right there, is the arrow through my heart, he has just broken my heart yet again.
“You use to love me when I was a girl. I’m a woman now and I’m proud of who I am. My daughter is an amazing little girl and I can hand on heart say that’s down to me.” I am proud of the fact that she’s a little girl who is polite and grateful, not many are these days.
“Just wait until she grows up and realizes that you sold your soul.” He’s a horrible bastard, he’s changed so much.
I’ve had enough of him and this conversation. “You know what Hunter, I’m giving you an out, right here, right now. Emme doesn’t know who you are. You can walk away right now and forget everything.” I tell him, and a selfish part of me wants him to take that out, but the mother in me, doesn’t want him to take it, I want him to want to know her.
He doesn’t say a word, he just turns and walks off, giving me the answer I didn’t want. With Emme’s birthday tomorrow, I can’t believe how much of a bastard he really is.
Chapter Fifteen
It's been two weeks since Hunter walked away from us again and I have just about forgiven Owen for pushing me into that situation. The pain of knowing that Hunter doesn’t want Emme, is something unimaginable. He doesn’t deserve to have the title father. Hell, just because you have a dick and know how to use it, doesn’t mean that you get to be called dad. Hunter has to earn that right that is if he ever changes his mind about wanting her.
Emme's birthday was great. She got everything she wanted and then some. Owen spoilt her rotten, he bought loads of Meerkat stuff, stuff that I didn't think even existed. Like a Meerkat handbag, and a brush. God, she still goes on about them. It drives me mental and I know part of the reason Owen bought her them was to irritate the hell out of me.
Stef and Owen believe that it's time for me to go out on a date, that if I got out there and started to see other people I'll finally get over Hunter. So Owen has set me up with a friend of his called Richie and Emme is excited; she thinks that she’ll get to dress me up like I’m one of her dolls, she’s way too over enthusiastic for my liking.
“Jess, what are you wearing tonight?” Stef asks as she walks into my room, and I’m wondering if there is something going on between her and Owen, she’s been here more times since Owen’s been out than she has in the last three years.
“Jeans and a nice top, with my boots. Is that okay?” I’m being whiney, I don’t think I’m ready for this, but I do believe they are right, not that I’d ever tell them.
“You know what Jess, you could act a tiny bit excited for this.” She’s getting mad and at this point I don’t care. As much as I denied it, there was a part of me that thought if Hunter saw both Emme and I, that he’d want us. That never happened, and I was stupid enough to have hope and I ended up getting hurt, yet again. One thing’s for sure, I’ll never let another O’Shea hurt me again, and they won’t have the opportunity.
“Earth to Jess, I’m bloody talking to you. What’s wrong with you?” She closes my door and walks over to my bed and sits next to me, worry etched on her face. “Jess, babe, what’s going on?”
I cry, for the first time since Hunter walked away, I bawl my eyes out, “I was so stupid, I thought he’d want us,”
“Oh god, Jess. I knew you loved him but I thought you loved to hate him. We can cancel the date.” She gets off the bed and kneels down in front of me. “I didn’t know you felt like this, why didn’t you tell me?”
I don’t answer her straight away as I try and regain my composure, “You were all set on setting me up. Anyway, you’re right. It’s time to move on, just like you’re doing with Owen.” I get that little dig in as I’m sick of them trying to dictate my life.
She stands up, “Jess, it’s not like that. We’re both having a bit of fun.”
I don’t respond to that, because as much as she thinks it a bit of fun, I don’t think Owen sees it that way. I’ve seen the way he looks at her. It’s the way Damien looks at Saff. I carry on getting ready. Knowing I have to meet Richie in thirty minutes, and if I don’t want to be late I need to leave in the next ten minutes.
“Is it wrong that we’re having fun?” She asks me, and she’s being defensive.
“No, look you should know that this ‘just having fun’ rarely ever works out. Just bear in mind if things go wrong that you are both part of this family.” I don’t want to lose my best friend because this ends badly.
“It’s not, Owen and I are friends and that’s how it’s going to stay and it will never affect us.” Her words are meant to be reassuring but her voice doesn’t match that, she sounds uncertain.
“I’ve got to go. I’ll talk to you later.” I say as I grab my handbag, I open the bedroom door and see Emme sitting on the floor playing with her dolly. Stef walks past us, smiling at Emme as she does. “What are you doing sitting out here baby?”
“I wanted to go to bed, but you and Steffy were talking.” She rubs her eyes with the back of her hand, when she does that it reminds me of when she was a baby.
“Come on, I’ll tuck you in.” I tell her and she runs into the room and jumps on the bed. I pull the covers over her and kiss her head. “I love you to the moon and
back.” I say to her and she smiles. She loves when I say it to her and I should say it more often. “Night, night, sleep tight and don’t let the bed bugs bite.”
She giggles and then yawns “Night mummy. I love you.” I kiss her head again, as she sinks deeper into the bed. She’s asleep in less than ten minutes.
I say goodbye to the boys and Stef then leave the house, I need to hurry otherwise I’m going to be really late. That’s one thing I hate, people being late and here I am doing it myself. I’m to meet Richie outside of the coffee shop beside the tube station. All Owen has said is that Richie is six foot two, blonde, muscular and has a tattoo on his neck. Basically the complete opposite of Hunter.
It doesn’t take me long to get to the coffee shop and to spot him as I turn the corner, and holy hell the man is hot! I mean he’s the type of guy that you’d take a second glance as he’s that bloody beautiful. He’s exactly as Owen described, blonde, tall and full of muscles.
“Richie?” Even though he’s exactly like Owen described I still have to ask. Although he is the only person standing outside of the coffee shop.
“You must be Jessica, it’s nice to meet you. Owen has told me a lot about you.” Bloody hell, even his accent is hot. He’s Irish, Jesus, it sends tingles down my spine just listening to him.
“Jess, call me Jess.” Geez, I sound so stupid.
“Well, Jess, it’s really good to meet you.” He tells me with a smile and honestly I could look at that smile all day, it’s like a models smile. “Anywhere in particular you’d like to eat?”
“No I’m easy.” Oh God, I’m such a dimwit, like who tells someone, they’re easy on the first date?
He laughs, probably because my face is flush as I can feel the heat rising through it. “Pub dinner or a fancy restaurant? It’s up to you.”
“Pub please, I’m not really one for the fancy restaurants.” That and pub dinners are generally cheaper, less for me to pay.
“I don’t mind them, but I find, you can have nicer food in the pub sometimes. Ready?” he asks and I’m like a fish, just staring and nodding at him.
He takes my hand and we start to walk towards the pub. It’s silent, but for two people that haven’t met each other before, the silence isn’t awkward. He takes me to this pub in Camden that I have seen but never been to, it looks pretty decent. We look over the menu and I see a few things that I’d eat and so does he.
The place is packed for a bloody Monday night, but luckily enough, there is a table right down the end, away from the bar and a lot quieter than the rest of the place, at least we’ll be able to hear each other. We order drinks and our food. I’m only going to have one drink as I’ve to be up early in the morning as Emme has school.
“So how do you know Owen?” I ask him, as Owen has actually never mentioned him before.
“We met in prison. He was my cell mate for a while.” He tells me and there is no shame in his voice and he doesn’t look like he didn’t want to tell me.
I respect that, telling the truth, it’s a big thing, especially with all the lies that happened between Hunter and I. “Do you mind me asking what you were in for?” I don’t want him to think I’m judging him, but I feel as though I have to know. I mean, I’m a mother and I have to look out for my kids.
“No, of course not. I don’t hide the fact that I was in prison. I made a mistake and I paid for it. I stole a car and ran someone over, thankfully not killing them. I got eighteen months and I know that I could have received longer, but as it was my first conviction, the judge was lenient.” He sounds remorseful, which is a good thing.
“When were you released?” I’m so bloody nosey right now.
“About seven months ago. It was hard when I was first released, it took me a few months to adjust to being free.” He looks down at his hands, as the waitress comes with our drinks. He seems embarrassed that he said that out loud.
“I’d say it is a tough adjustment, it’s one of the things I was worried about Owen when he got released. I mean so much has changed since he went away.” I’m babbling, but he’s so easy to talk to.
He reaches for my hand and I feel safe when he does that, like he won’t let anything happen to me. It’s weird, I’ve only known him for an hour, yet I feel like I’ve known him my whole life. “Owen’s okay, I’ve spoken to him and he’s just happy that he’s out.”
“Thank you.” I feel such a sense of relief in knowing that he’s talked to someone.
“Owen told me you have a little girl, he was so happy that he had a niece, that he wouldn’t stop talking about her. He just never said how old she was.”
“Oh, Emme…”
He cuts me off “Emme, that’s an unusual name.”
“Yeah, it’s short for Emmerson, which was my ex’s granddad’s name.” I don’t regret giving her that name as I love it, it’s so unique and Emme is such a pretty name.
“How old is she?”
“She’s five although she acts as if she’s thirty though. She’ll give me grey hairs soon.” I miss my little princess.
“Wow, you don’t look old enough to have a five year old. I thought she’d be two at the most.” He sounds so shocked.
I go rigid, my head down as I look at the floor, bloody hell, I hate that he thinks I’m too young to have her, what’s he going to think when he finds out that I was only sixteen when I had her? “I had Emme when I was sixteen.” It’s quite an admission and for some reason I want to hide the fact that I was that young. I like him and I don’t want him to think that I’m a slag.
“It must have been hard raising her alone.” He says and I look at him, shocked at his response. “As I said Owen has told me a lot about you, that you raised not only your daughter but also your brothers. That’s pretty commendable.” He tells me with a smile and it’s one of those smiles that would make your knickers wet.
“I did what I had to do, so I became a pole dancer.” I may as well get that out in the open too. “I keep a roof over my kid’s heads and I keep them fed.” Damn, I sound defensive now.
“I’m not judging you, hell, what you’ve done and at such a young age, not many would or could do it.” I smile at him, grateful that he understands or at least he acts as if he does.
“Jess, I’ve had a great time and I’d love to see you again.” Richie says as we stand outside my block of flats.
I’ve had the best time. I really like Richie and I do want to see him again. I must admit that this date was such a good idea, not only has it taken my mind of Hunter, but for the first time in a long time, I’ve had fun. “I’d really like that.” I say honestly, I don’t think I’ve stopped smiling today.
He leans in, and this is what I’ve been waiting for all night, the good night kiss. I wait for his lips to touch mine, and I’m not left waiting long. The warmth of his breath against my lips has me edging just a fraction closer to him. There's a light drizzle of rain falling down on us, but at this moment I don’t care. We’re so close that I can almost taste him. The smell of the peppermint chewing gum he had on our walk home is still strong, and I’m grateful I took one too.
His lips are on mine. At first, it feels awkward. He starts off with little pecks against my lips but then seems to relax. He puts a little more force into the kiss, and it feels heavenly. I open my mouth to let him in, and it doesn’t take long for the kiss to become a heated mess. I pull away when his hands start to roam up my top. We’re out in the open, and anyone could be watching. Not only that, but I’ve only known him a few hours. Both of us take a step back, breathing heavily. “I’m sorry, I never meant it to get that far.” He tells me, still breathing hard.
“It’s okay.” I take a deep breath, trying to even out my breathing.
“No, it’s not. I went too far, but it was a fucking fantastic kiss.”
I smile at him and I know that the smile doesn’t reach my eyes. “It was a great kiss.” I tell him but I know that I didn’t feel that spark, the one I had with Hunter.
“I
’ll see you soon Jess.” He kisses my cheek then turns and walks off.
I start to walk up the stairs, wondering if there is something wrong with me, I mean the guy is drop dead gorgeous, along with the fact that he’s a really great guy who actually seems to listen to what I’m saying, but yet, nothing, no spark. As I walk into the flat, I just want to crawl in bed and sleep.
“So how did it go?” Shit, I should have known that she’d still be here. “Well?” Stef asks as I walk into the kitchen.
“He’s gorgeous and he’s so lovely.” It’s the truth and I really did like him, my heads just messed up.
“I sense a but there.” She knows me so well.
“I don’t know, we kissed and it was great but there wasn’t a spark like there was whenever I was around Hunter.”
She looks at me with such sadness that I have to look away. “Oh Babe, the love you had for Hunter, it was the type of love that most only wish they could have had. He was your one true love, saying that, you got the crappy end of the stick having him as it. Just because he was your true love doesn’t mean that you can’t love anyone else.”
She’s right, Hunter isn’t for me anymore, he made that perfectly clear when he walked away. Richie is so sweet and I really like him. “Richie said he’d like to see me again.”
She smiles and it lights up her face, “Oh Jess that’s great, are you going to go on another date with him?”
“Yeah I think so, even though I didn’t get the spark, I really did like him.” Just thinking about Richie has me smiling, “If he asks me out again, then yes, I will go out with him.”
“That’s fantastic. Is he really that hot?”
“How Owen described him was right, except he was a hundred times hotter.” The more I think about him the more I realize that I actually had one of the best nights of my life. That kiss was spectacular even if I didn’t get the spark. “Are you staying tonight?”
“Yeah, if that’s okay?” She sounds so shy asking and there’s no need to be.
The Secrets of Life Page 13
