They would be going to war tomorrow. That was a sobering thought. He'd been avoiding thinking about it, understanding the grim reality of that simple statement. Men were going to march out of here, and there was a very good chance that some of them weren't going to come back. Men with lives and families, men with friends and position in the village. They were leaving their homes and families to defend them from another Dal occupation, and they were willing to sacrifice their lives to make sure that their wives and children would be safe. It was too much to ask from them, since they'd already suffered the Dal occupation, suffered watching Dal soldiers kill almost the entire Longbranch family and the herbalist. But then again, that was the very reason they were going. Because of what happened to the Longbranch family and the herbalist. They didn't want that to happen to their families.
There was a shuffling sound, and it made Tarrin look up from the fire. Kimmie was standing in the hallway, yawning. Tarrin had always rather liked Kimmie. She was turned, like him, and as Were-cats went, she was rather unusual. She had blue eyes instead of the pattern green, and she wore dresses and acted a great deal more like a human than a Were-cat. But she was a Were-cat, and the fact that she had come out without any clothes on, carrying one of Tarrin's old robes in her paw, made that abundantly clear.
"Oh," she said mildly. "I heard you moving around, but I thought you went back to bed, Tarrin."
"I couldn't sleep," he said, looking at her. She didn't move to cover herself, because she didn't care. Just as he didn't really care that she was unclothed. Kimmie was a very soft Were-cat, without the muscular definition that most females had, and it made her body look much more human than any of the other females. It made him curious to think that Kimmie had been changed so little by her turning, where he and Jula had been changed so much. Her tabby-colored fur clashed a bit with her fair skin, another stark reminder that Kimmie lived in between her two worlds much more closely than Tarrin or the other Were-cats did.
She shrugged into the robe, which fit her rather well, then came into the room and patted him on the shoulder. "It's alot to think about," she said, as if she could read his thoughts. "What, with everything that's happened and all."
"I know," he agreed, sitting on the floor in front of the fire. Kimmie sat beside him, reaching behind her in irritation.
"Do you mind if I cut a hole in this?" she asked.
"I can't wear it anymore. It's all yours."
Nodding with a smile as Kimmie rose up on her knees, Tarrin heard her claw rip the fabric of the robe, and Kimmie's brown-striped reddish tail slid out from behind her, snaked through the hole in the robe. "Thanks. I hate sitting on my tail like that," she told him, sitting back down again.
"I know how you feel," Tarrin said with a smile. "Kimmie, I've been meaning to ask you something."
"What?"
"Why is that you're so much different from me?"
"I really don't know," she answered, seeming to understand the meaning of the question. "Rahnee and some others think I'm a mutant," she laughed. "I mean, I don't look quite like the other females. I have blue eyes, and I never really got rid of my human habits. Rahnee thinks it's a scandal that I wear a dress," she said with a grin. "Since nobody knows who bit me, nobody really knows why I turned out so different than everyone else."
"When did it happen?"
"About twenty years ago," she replied. "I lived on a farm outside Tor then. I was chasing a butterfly across a field," she said, her eyes turning distant. "I wandered into the forest, and I really don't remember what happened after that. I just remember waking up like this." She picked at the front of her robe absently. "My parents threw me out of the house, of course," she sighed. "I ended up running into the forest, and that's when the instincts started to work on me. I was half mad when Mist found me. I must have struck some kind of chord in her, because she accepted me as a bond-child and helped me regain my sanity."
"That must not have been easy."
"No, it wasn't," she admitted. "Mist was very erratic back then. I could tell she was afraid of me, but something wouldn't let her abandon me. It was very nervous for both of us at first." She leaned down on one paw and stared at him evenly. "I realized that she'd kill me if I ever got her mad, so I was always very careful. I came to understand her, though, and even to love her like my own mother. I can't tell you how happy I was when she opened up to you, Tarrin. You made her open up to me, too. I can never thank you enough for that."
"It was for her, Kimmie."
"I know. That's what makes it so wonderful," she smiled.
"I'm surprised you came here, you know," he told her.
"Why?"
"You don't seem like the type, that's all."
"I know," she chuckled. "I'm really not all that great of a fighter, Tarrin. I know that. The others tease me about it all the time, but it doesn't bother me as much as it bothers them. Even though I have the strength and the claws and the hunting mentality, I'm just not the kind to kill anything I don't intend to eat. I just don't have the heart, I guess."
"Then why did you come?"
"Because you needed me," she said with simple logic. "Even though I'm not much of a fighter compared to other Were-cats, I'm still a Were-cat. That gives me certain advantages against humans."
"True enough," he agreed, leaning back a little.
"My turn. What's it like?"
"What?"
"I understand things more than the others, Tarrin. You're both a Sorcerer and a Druid. You're tall as Triana, and you have a sense about you that makes everyone afraid of you. You may be Were now, but you were once human, like me, and I know that it makes you much more human than you look. It must be lonely."
"It would be if I didn't have friends who knew me beforehand," he admitted.
"I'm not talking about just that, Tarrin," she said, looking at him. "I know how hard it was. How hard it is. You're different from the others, like I am. They're nice enough to you, and you know they accept you, but you always feel like you'll never quite be a part of them, like you were once a part of the human culture."
Tarrin lowered his eyes. He had felt like that for a long time, understanding it back when he'd first met Kimmie. He'd told Thean how alien they all felt to him, like he didn't quite belong. Time had buried that memory, but she had excavated that old knowledge within him. "I did feel that way when I first met all of you," he admitted. "But alot has happened since then. This, for one," he said, holding out his paw, where the fetlocks dangled from the outside of his wrist. "It did more than change my body. I actually feel as old as I look now, even though I'm barely nineteen. It's like I've lived a thousand years in the last two."
"Well, from what I heard, you did alot in those years, Tarrin," Kimmie told him with a smile. "That can't help but make it feel like it's been longer."
"It's more than that," he said. "I look at you, and all I can think is how young you are, how young you look. And the truth is that you're older than I am. It confuses me sometimes, because I'll be thinking about how young people are so different, when I'm actually one of them myself."
"You are who you are," she told him. "Whatever makes you feel comfortable is what you should be."
"You should hire out as a sage, Kimmie."
She laughed. "I've just been there, Tarrin. I stopped trying to please the others a long time ago. I found that this is who I am, and if they don't like it, that's their problem, not mine." She looked him in the eyes. "That's what's most important for us, Tarrin. If we don't feel comfortable about ourselves, it upsets our balance, and that makes it hard for us to cope with the instincts. Both sets of them."
"You're right about that," he agreed.
"I tried being the pattern Were-cat female, but I found it wasn't my style," she revealed. "I was born human, and most of me likes to act that way. And that works for me. I know that you're alot different."
He nodded. "I'm a pattern Were-cat," he chuckled.
"Not quite," she smiled. "You still have alo
t of human in you. I can see it in the way you act."
"I guess I'll never get rid of it."
"Don't get rid of it if you'd miss it," she warned.
"I know."
She laughed. "The others think that humans are so soft and pliable, but they've never experienced the full force of human instinct," she told him. "Natural Were-cats are born with more Cat than human, and it shows in all of them. For me, the human instincts are actually the dominant ones. They're just more willing to work with the Cat than the Cat is to work with the human."
"I'm not so sure about me," he said. "In me, they're more or less equal."
"I know," she told him. "But I can see the human in you, where the others can't. I know what to look for, after all."
"You know, you seem to know a great deal about that, from both viewpoints."
"I kind of studied it for a while," she told him. "I observed Were-cats, and I kept a journal for about ten years so I could have a record of everything I was feeling. Since it defines us, I thought it would be a good idea to understand how we act as much as possible. I thought that it would help me find my balance."
"Did it?"
"Not a bit," she laughed. "The problem was that I was trying so hard I was missing the simplest answer."
"What is that?"
"To just be," she replied. "Be whatever suited me most."
"I wish I'd have figured that out sooner," he grunted.
"How long it takes isn't as important as it happening," she reminded him. "Why is Jesmind going with you?"
"Jasana," he told her. "Jasana is a Sorceress, Kimmie."
"Really?"
He nodded. "And she's powerful. She's easily more powerful than I am. She can't control that power, so she absolutely has to stay near me, because her life depends on it. Since I have no choice but to go, she has to go too. Jesmind agreed to come with us."
"That must not have been easy," Kimmie noted.
"Actually, it was easier than I thought it would be," he said with a snort. "I made her understand that Jasana's life depended on it. Once I got her to see that, she more or less gave in. But she's been cranky all day," he chuckled. "I think she feels like she gave in too quickly now that it's over."
"Jesmind has an ego, Tarrin, as well as about a lake full of pride. And let's not mention how stubborn she is."
"She's just like me," Tarrin grinned.
"I know. I'm surprised you two didn't kill each other, especially since I know that you didn't know about Jasana."
"We did come to blows," he admitted. "When did you find out about that?"
"Jesmind brought Jasana over to visit with Mist a few times," she replied. "She and Mist struck up quite a friendship. Nearly surprised me out of my dress to see her warm to a stranger the way she did, but I guess she and Jesmind have something in common."
"What?"
"You, silly," Kimmie grinned, smacking him lightly on the arm. "They both have a child by you. They almost looked like a couple of sisters."
"What is Eron like?"
"Loud," Kimmie said with a wicked little laugh. "Loud, energetic, unmindful, and he always knows exactly what will get him in the most trouble. Mist has so much patience with him that I still can't believe it. I thought she'd start tearing her hair out a long time ago."
"She's been waiting for this for a long time, Kimmie. I don't think much of anything about being a mother would upset her."
"You're right there," Kimmie agreed. "It makes her a wonderful mother. Eron is going to grow up with nothing but happy memories."
"That's all that matters in the end," Tarrin said distantly, thinking about Mist and the son he had never seen. "I hope I get to see him before he gets too big to hug."
"He's about the same size as a two year old human," Kimmie told him. "He can walk, but he's still a little clumsy. He's learning to talk a little better every day. He's reached the full sentence stage." She scratched her neck. "He's got absolutely huge paws. He's going to be monstrously tall. Just like his father," Kimmie added with a light smile and a nudge.
"What does he look like?"
"Well, he has black fur," she began, "but since both you and Mist have black fur, that was going to be more or less a given. His hair was stark white when he was born, but now it's a kind of sandy blond. He looks just like you, Tarrin," she told him. "It's almost like you were turned into a baby and stuck with Mist. He has Mist's stockiness, but his face is all yours."
"I hope I can see him soon," he said again.
"I'm sure you will," Kimmie told him. "I don't see much packing in here. It's surprising that you're all leaving in the morning."
"We talked about that before you got here," he said. "I convinced Jesmind to leave it all here. I'll seal the farm with a Ward when we leave to keep everyone out, and I can Conjure anything we may need on the way. That way we didn't have to spend days packing and preparing to leave. We can leave carrying nothing but the clothes on our backs. I've learned that that's the most efficient way to go about it."
"Jesmind is one thing, but Jasana's another. How much did she want to take?"
"Everything, of course," Tarrin chuckled. "Jesmind's the one that told her we're leaving. She told me that she had to all but threaten Jasana to leave it all alone. Given that we're leaving, I'm surprised she fell asleep so easily. I thought she'd be too wound up to sleep." He rubbed his jaw. "Then again, now that I think about it, she hasn't shown much excitement about it to me."
"From what I heard, you were pretty mad at her, Tarrin," Kimmie said. "Maybe she doesn't want to look too eager to go when she knows that you're angry about having to take her in the first place."
"You may be right," he agreed after a moment. "You know almost as much about Were-cats as Triana does."
"Well, thanks," Kimmie smiled. "I'm the thinking Were-cat, Tarrin. They tease me about that, too. They all say I'm too busy sticking my nose in books to do what Were-cats are supposed to do."
"That's their loss."
"My feelings exactly," she said with a broad smile. "Especially since they don't grill Thean the way they do me."
"He's not turned."
"That about sums it all up right there," she said. "Be glad you're so tall, and so formidable, and you're a Druid, Tarrin. You're going to avoid alot of the snubbing I endured, from the Were-cats and the rest of Fae-da'Nar. I had to take it, because I have to admit that I'm not really as strong as most of the others. I look like a human female, and I'm really as weak as I look for Were-cat standards. Since I'm smaller than most, and weaker than most, and I don't like to fight, it means that I've had to simply accept whatever abuse they decided to dish out."
"They don't do that now."
"Not like they used to," she told him. "After I started studying Arcane magic, I really didn't see the others all that much anymore."
That made Tarrin give her a quick, startled look. "You're studying magic?"
She nodded. "I'm not doing that bad, either, considering that I'm teaching myself. I've learned to cast a few of the easier magic spells."
Tarrin was startled by that, but then he realized that she was a Were-cat. That meant that she could transcend the restrictions on magic set forth by the Elder Gods. She had the Druidic touch that all Were-cats had, but she also had the capability to learn other kinds of magical ability.
"I'm surprised, Kimmie," he said honestly. "Nobody told me about that."
"I don't advertise it," she said. "After all, it's really nobody's business but mine, isn't it?"
Tarrin laughed. "You're right about that," he agreed. "How long have you been studying?"
"About five years now, I'd guess," she replied. "It took me nearly four just to understand enough of the basics to cast my first cantrip. I've managed to learn how to cast four different spells," she said proudly.
"Well, congratulations," he said with a genuine smile. "Maybe I should introduce you to Phandebrass."
"Who's he?"
"A Wizard, and a Wizard you don't take
lightly," Tarrin told her. "He acts a bit scatterbrained, but I've seen his magic in action. He's a very capable Wizard. Who knows, maybe he'll tutor you."
"I'd really like that," she said sincerely.
"Well, we're going to Suld, and that's where he is. So let's wait and see what happens."
"You're so nice to me," she told him.
"We're both turned, so we have to look out for each other," he replied, reaching out and patting her on the shoulder. "I think I should think about going back to bed soon. Jesmind is going to realize I'm not there in a little bit."
"She loves you, you know," she told him with a gentle smile. "She hasn't quite figured that out yet, because it's not exactly normal for a Were-cat to fall in love with a mate the way she has."
"I'm not sure she can love like that, Kimmie. Were-cats don't seem to be capable of forming those kinds of bonds outside of family."
"No matter how much Cat someone has, there's still human there too, Tarrin," she said patiently. "The Were-cats work so hard to be the Cat, they forget that the human instincts are in there too. Any Were-cat can love like that, but the fact that there are so few males makes it kind of inconvenient. They know that they can't keep their mates, so they work very hard not to let those kinds of feelings form. Half the time, a female and male part because they're getting too close."
Tarrin had never thought about it that way before. He nodded in understanding, knowing that Kimmie was right. Kimmie had proved to him that she understood the inner workings of Were-cats much better than he did, much better than just about anyone except Triana did, so he would accept her words as truth. The fact was, he felt that she was right without taking that into account. It also explained a great deal.
It also made that truth smack him in the face. Jesmind loved him. It suddenly made her entire pattern of behavior apparent to him. Everything she had done, everything she was doing, it all fit into a pattern of a woman who loved a man, yet wasn't sure if she could have him. Trying to keep him close to her, even if he wouldn't feel for her as she felt for him.
Tarrin Kael Firestaff Collection Book 3 - Honor and Blood by Fel © Page 104
