Fuck it all.
I wasn’t going wait for them to show their sorry faces again; I had a job to do, and even though Roman Russo owned this place, he wasn’t here, and since Autumn stayed in her office unless there was an issue out here with one of the girls or the bouncers, I decided to get up on that stage and dance. I had to beg Ruby to let me take one of her scheduled performance slots, but after I told her I’d give her all the tips I got, she relented.
The tips didn’t matter. I didn’t need the money. I had an apartment full of shit I could always sell if I really came upon hard times, and beyond that, if I wanted to destroy my ego completely I could always go back home. No matter what, my mother and father would welcome me back with open arms. When you were rich, family was different. Things never worked out the same.
When it was time, I got up on that stage and swayed and moved, dancing my ass off with the music, being as sensual and erotic as I could without tearing off what I wore and doing it naked. I bet the male audience would like it better if I was nude, but no worker here was forced to take off their clothes if they didn’t want to—and even then, it was just the top half. The bottom half could never be completely bared… unless a certain someone took you into that backroom.
But, no, I wasn’t going to think about Roman or Carter, or anything that happened in that backroom.
I danced with a heart full of spite, a mind that was currently overthinking everything. I danced like I never danced before, swaying my body on that stage, putting myself on display for any and all. My parents would have aneurysms if they knew their eldest daughter worked at what was basically a strip club.
Oh, I’d love to see the looks on their faces when they found out, would love to be there to snap a picture to memorialize the moment. You know how they say a picture’s worth a thousand words? My parents’ faces would be worth a million each, easily.
Fuck them.
Fuck my parents, and fuck Roman and Carter and anyone else who thought they could walk all over me and discard me like trash. I know I might’ve said I would be okay with it, that whatever this was between Roman and I was just a temporary fling or something, but now my feelings were different. Now I didn’t want that. I didn’t want Roman and Carter dumping me for another girl; I didn’t want them to find someone better just like Bryan had.
When my time on the stage was done, I was damn near out of breath, sweating. I might’ve moved my hips a little too hard, worked on swinging myself around that pole a little too much; Crystal was right when she said pole dancing was a workout. No random person could just walk off the street and do it.
My eyes scanned the Dollhouse as I cleaned the stage of tips and walked off. Still no Roman, still no Carter. It was beyond stupid, but this was really bothering me. Like, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
Ruby came up to me, and I shoved all the tips toward her, heading to the locker room to sit down and take a five-minute break. I ended up on the bench just before my locker, where my jacket and shorts were shoved. My ass was sweaty, and since I wore what was basically a thong with extra straps on my hips, my bare skin stuck to the bench.
I leaned over, staring at my hands. They hardly looked like my hands anymore. With my pink hair, the giant tattoo on me… my newfound style that always seemed to include those ungodly-bright tennis shoes—I hardly recognized myself in general, but I guess that was the point. I was never anyone before, just a daughter, just a girlfriend, not someone with her own identity.
Who knew all it would take was me walking into my sister’s room and catching my boyfriend pounding away between her legs?
Sighing, I ran my hands through my hair, trying to cool my body down after that dance. You know, out of all of the possibilities my mind came up with, there was one that I refused to think about: maybe something bad happened to them. Roman basically told me he killed people for a living, and that was bound to catch up to you sooner or later, wasn’t it?
Granted, I wasn’t very knowledgeable when it came to underground criminals and illegal activities. The most I’d ever done was speed, and then, of course, serve alcohol after starting my job here. Technically illegal, since I wasn’t twenty-one yet.
It was a sad thing that I wasn’t twenty-one, and yet I felt so much older. Like, sometimes I wondered if this was all life was, if this was all it had to give. What was the fucking point in it all? Some people said life was a miraculous thing, but was it really?
But back to what I was thinking before. My mind didn’t go there, refused to ponder the possibility that something had happened to Roman and Carter because in my mind, they were damn near invincible.
A stupid, childish thing to think. Neither man was invincible, and if it turned out something did happen to them, they were hurt or, worse, killed, what the hell would I do? How would I know? It wasn’t like I was one of their emergency contacts, it wasn’t like I knew their friends and I’d hear it from them.
No, if something happened to them, I’d live the rest of my life wondering, and I hated that. I hated the power Roman held over me, how much I thought about him, how badly my body craved those dark eyes on me. It wasn’t as if I’d known him my whole life, but that’s sort of what it felt like.
When I heard the sounds of Autumn’s heels clicking on the floor in her office, I got to my feet and went back out in the Dollhouse. I’d do anything to avoid a talk with her, and that included getting back to work and pretending everything was fine.
And everything was fine. Mostly. Except for fucking Roman.
And Carter.
And, hell, even Lake—because as much as I wanted to be buried in my own world, it just didn’t work out like that. These three guys had got my attention, in very different ways, mind you, and now I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wanted everything each and every one of them had.
Ugh, I was in way over my head here, that much was obvious. In so far over my head I couldn’t even see the top of the water, didn’t know how far I was from the surface. Treading water was impossible when you were drowning, too frantic and desperate to reach the top again.
The rest of my work shift passed slowly. Every minute felt like an hour, and every hour felt like a lifetime. I kept to myself, not wanting to talk to anyone. I wasn’t even extra nice or flirty with the patrons; I only served them their drinks and helped clean off the tables, not bothering to give them smiles or anything like that.
It was amazing how much of a bad mood I was in simply because Roman and Carter weren’t here. I wasn’t proud of it, but it wasn’t something I could change.
Life went on. Life went on so much that I pretty much assumed I’d never see Roman or Carter again, having heard or seen hide nor hair from them. I was still stuck working only Tuesdays and Thursdays at the Dollhouse; Autumn refused to switch my schedule, lest Roman come back into the Dollhouse and find out she’d gone against his orders.
Ah, well. It sucked, but I could make enough to pay the bills and groceries on those two nights a week if I worked it. I didn’t want to work it—the only thing I wanted to do was mope—but work it I had to.
The funny thing was, I felt worse now than I did when I walked in and saw Bryan and Willow together. That scene had scarred me, but this… this was downright abandonment, another slap to the face while I was still healing from the first. Salt in the still-open wound.
Would I ever be good enough for anyone to want to stay in my life? Or was I supposed to just lower my head and accept it, like a good girl, like the girl my parents wanted me to be? I always thought I had too much self-worth to do that, but now I wondered if it would be easier, if life wouldn’t be so hard if I just stopped giving a shit.
Hmm. Maybe that’s what I had to do. Maybe me not giving a shit about anything was how I should go about my life. By nature, I was an overthinker, someone who cared too much, a person who immediately put their heart into things… but you know what? Fuck that. Fuck it all.
It was one Friday night when I decided this, when I mustered
up the courage to do something I’d wanted to do all along, but never took the leap because of Roman.
But Roman wasn’t here, and he hadn’t been here for a while. Same with Carter. I refused to sit in my apartment and twiddle my thumbs, wasting my life in hopes that they’d make their return, come back to me and pretend like they never left.
With my shoulders squared and my head held high, I walked barefoot out of my apartment, making a sharp left and heading to my neighbor’s door. To Lake’s door. Before I could stop and think better of it, my fist was already balled up and knocking.
Either he’d be out and about, possibly at work, or he was in there, working on homework or something, even though it was a Friday night. Lake was not one of the cool guys, not someone who had loads of friends and went out drinking every weekend like some college students did. Lake was just the guy I needed to get my mind off everything, and avoiding him all this time had been for nothing.
Well, I was done avoiding him. I was done pretending I was okay with waiting for two men who might not ever show their faces to me again.
My hand fell to my side when I finished knocking, and I stood there, thinking up what I was going to say. I’d never done this before, actually, so this was completely new to me. I guess there really was a first time for everything.
Me, Zoey Marbella, asking someone out. Just crazy.
I waited there a minute, wondering how long I should give it before returning to my apartment and pretending like I never mustered up the courage to do this to begin with. The moment I decided to call it quits, that maybe he wasn’t home right now, his apartment door opened.
Lake stood, wearing the dorkiest pair of cargo shorts I’d ever seen, along with a T-shirt that had a few Star Wars characters on it. His blonde hair had just gotten cut, so he had that dorky look most guys did right after a cut; something they grew out of after a week or so. His blue eyes widened when he saw it was me, and he sputtered out, “Zoey. What’s going on?” Trying to sound cool and failing entirely.
I peeked inside his apartment, half expecting there to be a girl or something. That would be just my shitty luck, wouldn’t it? “I’m not interrupting anything, am I? No girls hiding in that apartment?”
“Interrupting?” Lake echoed, giving me a sheepish grin. “Of course not. I was just doing some research for a term paper.” He reached to his neck, rubbing it as he added, “I don’t know what you think of me, but I’m not that popular with the ladies.”
My eyebrows lifted. “You’re not?”
“If I was, you and I would’ve been seeing a lot more of each other—” Lake stopped, coughed, and tried to act as nonchalant and cool as he could. “I mean, I just—” Which, as it turned out, was not very nonchalant or cool.
Since I knew he would ramble on and on, try to fix what he’d said to make it sound less strange, I blurted out the reason I was there: “Do you want to go out with me?” I actually said the question without stumbling over my words, which surprised me.
“Do I… do I want to go out with you?” Lake repeated, his blonde brows coming together, as if he didn’t hear me quite right. “You mean, like a date? Or—”
“Yes,” I spoke with a nod, “like a date.”
“Sure,” he could not get the word out fast enough. “I mean, of course. I’ll go anywhere with you. Just let me grab a—” He stopped when I giggled.
“Not right now,” I said. “Tomorrow.” I cocked my head at him, sticking out a hip and drawing his gaze down my body. Right now, I wore sweatpants and a loose shirt. Not really date apparel. My pink hair was in a bun, and I looked like I was either about to crawl into bed or that I’d just gotten out of it. “I try not to look homeless on dates, you know.”
Lake swallowed, his gaze snapping up to mine as he quickly said, “I don’t care what you wear. You always look beautiful, Zoey.”
His honest, heartfelt words caught me off-guard. I stood there for a moment, blinking at him, wondering how the hell he could say something like that and actually sound genuine. Guys didn’t talk like that nowadays, not unless they were in movies—and as far as I knew, my shitty life was not a movie. It’d make a terrible one, really.
But he was earnest, and as he stood there, staring right back at me, I felt my cheeks heating up, like I was in third grade with my first crush all over again.
How could Lake affect me so much? How was he real and not already snatched up by another girl?
I shouldn’t ask myself that question. I should just accept it and move on, plan out our date for tomorrow. I couldn’t, though, for in the next moment, I found myself whispering, “No one’s ever said anything like that to me before.”
As sad as it was, it was true. Bryan hated when I didn’t get all dolled up for him, and going to school without wearing makeup was like missing your face, people always asking you if you were tired or sick. The reality of being a woman or even a girl meant you were always judged on your appearance, no matter how old you were or what you were doing, whether you were going to the country club or just the grocery store.
“Well, for what it’s worth,” Lake spoke, his voice dropping to a bare whisper that, in spite of myself, caused a chill to sweep down my spine, “it’s true.” A soft, gentle smile graced his lips, and I had to force myself to tell him goodbye, that I’d see him tomorrow afternoon, lest I linger there and lose myself completely in his dimples—which was quite possible.
I headed back to my apartment, knowing Lake still stood there, watching me go. We met eyes the moment I opened my apartment door, and I couldn’t say what passed between us right then, but it was definitely something. My heart sped up in my chest, a longing deep within me.
I wanted this. I wanted to relax again, to live my life like it was normal, and that wasn’t something I could do while sitting around and waiting to hear from Roman or Carter. No, I was a person, and I would not wait forever.
Chapter Twelve – Lake
Was it a stupid thing to admit I didn’t get much sleep that night? Probably, but it was true. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been so excited about something. Lately my life had just been about school and work. When Zoey moved in next door, it was like something was struck inside of me, like a bolt of lightning had hit me.
A bolt of pink lightning.
Honestly? I’d been dying to take her out since she moved in. I never wanted to go overboard, so I tried to cool myself off, play it cool, you know, act normal and not all jittery and nervous like I really was around her.
Zoey was gorgeous. She was probably the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. Not many could rock a pink head, but she totally did. Maybe it was her confidence, or maybe it was something else. Either way, I’d been smitten on her since day one, I was not afraid to admit.
Since Zoey was the one who’d technically asked and initiated the date, I didn’t know if she would be planning it out or if she expected me to have stuff all laid out, so just in case, I spent the morning looking up movie times, searching Google for nice restaurants, and all that fun stuff. I knew the area since I’d been going to school here for two years now, but there was always something new and exciting to see or learn about.
If she didn’t have a plan, I had a backup plan.
After I figured out a backup plan, it was time to shower and shave, make sure I was presentable. I did not want to admit to anybody how long it took me to decide what to wear. You’d think I was a girl or something, with how finicky I was being. It was ridiculous, but I wanted to impress her.
Zoey obviously came from money. I didn’t, and frankly I didn’t have much money to begin with now, but I didn’t want her to know that. I wanted to put on my best front, impress her, say all the right things and be the perfect gentleman, show her that there were still some good guys out there in the world, that not every guy with a dick was like her ex.
I still couldn’t believe someone had cheated on her. Who in their right mind would screw up like that when they had her? Zoey was… well, let me j
ust say that if she was my girlfriend, I wouldn’t even look at other girls. I wouldn’t need to. I would have everything I needed right beside me.
Was that too cheesy? It probably was.
I eventually decided on going with a nice, dark blue polo shirt, along with some clean jeans. I’d probably look like a noob, but I figured I’d look like a noob regardless of what I wore anytime I stood beside Zoey. Everyone’s eyes would be on her, not me; I’d be the awkward idiot beside her, the guy everyone wondered how the hell I landed someone as hot as her.
It was true, you know, what they said. Nice guys finished last. The jerks, the overcompensating idiots always seemed to win, to get whoever they wanted whenever they wanted, like they owned the world, or were owed something. That didn’t mean I’d go and change myself, though, and I knew not every girl would fall for a douchebag’s lies. I hoped it was only a matter of time until I found someone.
My mom had already mentioned online dating to me, which I really didn’t want to do. Hopefully this date with Zoey would lead to more dates, and then… then maybe a relationship.
Was I a fool for thinking that far ahead? Probably. I needed to take a chill pill, press on the breaks, do whatever the heck I could do to slow myself down. This was just a date. Just a single date. It wasn’t like I was getting down on my knee and proposing to her—
Not that I’d thought about that, because that would be getting way ahead of myself.
Of course, it was around three in the afternoon when I realized Zoey never told me a time, and since I didn’t have her number, I decided to push aside my nerves and walk to her apartment to ask. It was an abnormally long walk, mostly because I took the tiniest baby steps I could in the hallway. When I arrived before her door, I breathed in, filling my lungs and shaking out my hands before knocking.
“It’s open,” Zoey’s voice came from inside.
I hesitantly poked my head in. Her voice had sounded distant, and since these were tiny studio apartments, I figured she was in the bathroom. Hmm. Maybe I should come back later? “Uh” was all that came out of my mouth.
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