by T. Smollett
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
HE IS REDUCED TO A DREADFUL DILEMMA, IN CONSEQUENCE OF AN ASSIGNATIONWITH THE WIFE.
Nor was his whole care and attention engrossed by the execution of thisscheme upon the daughter. While he managed his concerns in that quarterwith incredible ardour and application, he was not the less indefatigablein the prosecution of his design upon the mother-in-law, which heforwarded with all his art during those opportunities he enjoyed in theabsence of Wilhelmina, who was frequently called away by the domesticduties of the house. The passions of the jeweller's wife were in such astate of exaltation, as exempted our hero from the repulses and fatigueattending a long siege.
We have already observed how cunningly he catered for the gratificationof her ruling appetite, and have exhibited pregnant proofs of his abilityin gaining upon the human heart; the reader will not therefore besurprised at the rapidity of his conquest over the affections of a ladywhose complexion was perfectly amorous, and whose vanity laid her open toall the attempts of adulation. In a word, matters were quickly broughtto such a mutual understanding, that, one evening, while they amusedthemselves at lansquenet, Fathom conjured her to give him the rendezvousnext day at the house of any third person of her own sex, in whosediscretion she could confide; and, after a few affected scruples on herside, which he well knew how to surmount, she complied with his request,and the circumstances of the appointment were settled accordingly. Afterthis treaty, their satisfaction rose to such a warmth, and theconversation became so reciprocally endearing, that our gallant expressedhis impatience of waiting so long for the accomplishment of his wishes,and, with the most eager transport, begged she would, if possible,curtail the term of his expectation, that his brain might not suffer byhis standing so many tedious hours on the giddy verge of rapture.
The dame, who was naturally compassionate, sympathised with hiscondition, and, unable to resist his pathetic supplications, gave him tounderstand that his desire could not be granted, without subjecting themboth to some hazard, but that she was disposed to run any risk in behalfof his happiness and peace. After this affectionate preamble, she toldhim that her husband was then engaged in a quarterly meeting of thejewellers, from whence he never failed to return quite overwhelmed withwine, tobacco, and the phlegm of his own constitution; so that he wouldfall fast asleep as soon as his head should touch the pillow, and she beat liberty to entertain the lover without interruption, provided he couldfind means to deceive the jealous vigilance of Wilhelmina, and concealhimself in some corner of the house, unsuspected and unperceived.
Our lover, remembering his adventure with the daughter, would havewillingly dispensed with this expedient, and began to repent of theeagerness with which he had preferred his solicitation; but, seeing therewas now no opportunity of retracting with honour, he affected to enterheartily into the conversation, and, after much canvassing, it wasdetermined, that, while Wilhelmina was employed in the kitchen, themother should conduct our adventurer to the outer door, where he shouldpay the compliment of parting, so as to be overheard by the young lady;but, in the meantime, glide softly into the jeweller's bedchamber, whichwas a place they imagined least liable to the effects of a daughter'sprying disposition, and conceal himself in a large press or wardrobe,that stood in one corner of the apartment. The scene was immediatelyacted with great success, and our hero cooped up in his cage, where hewaited so long, that his desires began to subside, and his imagination toaggravate the danger of his situation.
"Suppose," said he to himself, "this brutal German, instead of beingstupefied with wine, should come home inflamed with brandy, to the use ofwhich he is sometimes addicted, far from feeling any inclination tosleep, he will labour under the most fretful anxiety of watching; everyirascible particle in his disposition will be exasperated; he will beoffended with every object that may present itself to his view; and, ifthere is the least ingredient of jealousy in his temper, it will manifestitself in riot and rage. What if his frenzy should prompt him to searchhis wife's chamber for gallants? this would certainly be the first placeto which he would direct his inquiry; or, granting this suppositionchimerical, I may be seized with an irresistible inclination to cough,before he is oppressed with sleep; he may be waked by the noise I shallmake in disengaging myself from this embarrassed situation; and, finally,I may find it impracticable to retire unseen or unheard, after everythingelse shall have succeeded to my wish."
These suggestions did not at all contribute to the quiet of ouradventurer, who, having waited three whole hours in the mostuncomfortable suspense, heard the jeweller brought into the room in thatvery condition which his fears had prognosticated. He had, it seems,quarrelled over his cups with another tradesman, and received asalutation on the forehead with a candlestick, which not only left anignominious and painful mark upon his countenance, but even disorderedhis brain to a very dangerous degree of delirium; so that, instead ofallowing himself quietly to be undressed and put to bed by his wife, heanswered all her gentle admonitions and caresses with the mostopprobrious invectives and obstreperous behaviour; and, though he did nottax her with infidelity to his bed, he virulently accused her ofextravagance and want of economy; observed, her expensive way of livingwould bring him to a morsel of bread; and unfortunately recollecting theattempt of the supposed thief, started up from his chair, swearing byG--'s mother that he would forthwith arm himself with a brace of pistols,and search every apartment in the house. "That press," said he, withgreat vociferation, "may, for aught I know, be the receptacle of someruffian."
So saying, he approached the ark in which Fathom was embarked, andexclaiming, "Come forth, Satan," applied his foot to the door of it, withsuch violence as threw him from the centre of gravity, and laid himsprawling on his back. This address made such an impression upon ouradventurer, that he had well-nigh obeyed the summons, and burst from hisconcealment, in a desperate effort to escape, without being recognised bythe intoxicated German; and indeed, had the application been repeated, hein all likelihood would have tried the experiment, for by this time histerrors had waxed too strong to be much longer suppressed. From thishazardous enterprise he was, however, exempted by a lucky accident thathappened to his disturber, whose head chancing to pitch upon the cornerof a chair in his fall, he was immediately lulled into a trance, duringwhich the considerate lady, guessing the disorder of her gallant, anddreading further interruption, very prudently released him from hisconfinement, after she had put out the light, and in the dark conveyedhim to the door, where he was comforted with the promise that she wouldpunctually remember the rendezvous of next day.
She then invoked the assistance of the servants, who, being waked for thepurpose, lifted up their master, and tumbled him into bed, whileFerdinand hied him home in an universal sweat, blessing himself from anyfuture achievement of that sort in a house where he had been twice insuch imminent danger of life and reputation. Nevertheless, he did notfail to honour the assignation, and avail himself of the disposition hismistress manifested to make him all the recompense in her power for thedisappointment and chagrin which he had undergone.
