by Naomi West
“So you’ve never read much?”
“I never finished school,” I say. “I was too busy.”
“Doing what?”
“Fighting. Outlawing.”
“At fifteen?”
“Hell, at twelve. Markus started me young.”
“Wasn’t that scary?”
“I guess it was. Fear is like a muscle, though.”
“The more you work it the bigger it gets?” she shoots.
“I was gonna say the more you work it, the stronger you get. I guess I was scared once, but I’m not anymore.”
“So nothing scares you?”
I trace her lips with her finger. “The idea of losing you scares the shit outta me. That’s why I’m here. Though I can’t say there’s much reason in it.”
“Because we only met yesterday? Or a couple of days ago? I’m not even sure exactly how long it’s been except that my belly really hurts.”
“Mine too,” I say. It growls for food. “But yeah, you’re right. It’s crazy to me. We met so recently and yet, I need you.” I laugh, feeling like a fool. “I couldn’t just leave you here. Everybody’s been acting all surprised by me because I won’t just let you go. I’m not usually the love-struck man. One of my friends said it was Cupid, and I’ve got half a mind to agree with him.”
“Cupid,” Selena muses. “And not just my winning personality?”
“Maybe it’s partly that.”
“So what did you do?” Selena asks. “When you were a kid, apart from outlawing? Because I read a lot, probably too much. I was that weird girl sitting alone in the cafeteria with my head in the clouds. I remember once, even a teacher told me I read too much. Not in so many words, but told me I was antisocial and should make more of an effort with the other students. Maybe she was right. But you should’ve seen Mom when she found out. It was like watching a tornado head for the teacher’s office.”
“Why reading?” I ask. “I’ve never much seen the appeal.”
“Because when you read, you can be anybody. Being somebody else is very appealing to a young, awkward girl. My guess is there are as many different reasons that people like reading as there are readers. But you haven’t answered my question. What did you do as a kid?”
“You mean kid stuff?”
“Yeah.” She smiles. “Kid stuff.” She touches her belly, maybe thinking about the pact that started all this.
“I played video games. I played quite a few video games, in fact, until Mom and Markus sold the Xbox.”
“They sold it?”
“Don’t cry over it,” I say. “They needed the cash. It was a low point in the club or some shit.” I tell her not to get upset about it, but the truth is the day they sold it I was angrier than I’d ever been as a kid, even when I was beating the shit out of the other kids at school for calling me a lowlife. The kids’ parents told them I was a dirty wretch on account of my brother, and not to bother with me.
“Where are you?” Selena asks. “Because you’re not here, with me. You’re up in the clouds somewhere.”
“I wish that door would open,” I say, staring at it as though that’ll accomplish anything. “I’m tired of waiting for something to happen. There’s nothing worse in life than waiting for something to happen.”
“Are you really that eager to be taken to Mexico and made into a slave?” Selena whispers. I can tell the idea terrifies her. She doesn’t want me to go. She doesn’t want me to suffer. I don’t know what she’d say if I told her what is really going to happen. But I won’t tell her. She needs to get out of here. That’s all that matters to me.
“What if the stress has stopped me getting pregnant?” she says, a cute smile on her lips, a wicked glint in her eyes. “Can we keep trying?”
I think of a gravestone with my name on it. Can a gravestone fuck? I would laugh if it wouldn’t make her ask for an explanation. I kiss her instead, tongues dancing, lips scraping, bodies pressed close. “We can keep trying,” I say, when the kiss ends, though she must know it’s impossible. There are things I want to say to her, like how I want to take things past the original agreement, about how I never wanted kids but I think having them with her would be the best damn thing ever. But if I say them then she might think they have a chance of happening, and I know they can’t. This is the end of the road for me, but it doesn’t have to be for her.
But then she does it for me.
“I want more than our agreement,” she says. “I know they’re going to take you away, but you’ll escape. You’ll escape and you’ll find me and then we’ll run away together. I know how mad that sounds but we can do it, Dante. We’ll go somewhere far away just like your brother was going to. We’ll start a new life. We’ll take Mom with us and get her into a hospital wherever we end up. We’ll fight for a new life. We’ll have a family.” She pauses. “Or am I coming across like the most forward overbearing person in the history of forward overbearing people?”
“Not even slightly,” I say. “I want all that too.”
“But it doesn’t—”
“Make sense,” I finish. “No, it doesn’t. But I’m starting to think that making sense isn’t so important when it comes to us. If we want each other, we want each other. It’s as simple as that.”
She’s about to reply, when a knock comes from the door. I go to it, limping and ignoring the stabbing pain in my leg. “Yeah?”
“I just want to say one final goodbye,” Brose says, unable to contain his excitement. “I regret that I can’t be here when they finally put you out of your misery, but unfortunately business calls me away. I will visit the grave, though. I swear to you, my good friend, I will do that much.” He taps his cane against the door.
“And Selena?” I snap. “What about her? We had a deal …”
“Oh, they’ll let her go.”
“You have to let me see it before they kill me,” I say. “Otherwise I’ll fight, Brose. I swear I’ll fight.”
He sighs, and then says, “Yes, you can see her escape. I’ll give the orders. You’ll watch your little dove fly to safety and then wait for the executioner’s blade. If that seems like a good deal to you, I suppose you are stupider than even I guessed. And I guessed you were incredibly stupid!”
He walks down the hallway, tapping his cane, tittering.
When I turn to Selena her face has dropped. “Mexico,” she says, on her feet with her fists at her sides. “Mexico, you said.” Her cheeks quiver violently, her eyes full of rage. “Mexico, Dante? Mexico? They’re going to kill you!” She marches across the room, standing on her tiptoes so that she’s in my face. “They’re going to kill you!” she snarls. “You lied to me! You asshole! You lying fucking asshole! Do you really think I’m going to let them kill you? Do you seriously think that’s going to happen?”
“What other choice is there?” I wave a hand around the cell. “I tried to rescue you. I failed. I tried to make it so my men could rescue you. I failed. We’re fucked. Either I die or you do. That doesn’t seem like a complicated choice to me.”
She turns her back to me. “It’s not happening,” she says. “I won’t let it. So you can believe anything you want. But I’m telling you right now that it’s not happening. When they come through that door, I’m killing them. I don’t care how many. Do you think I’m some soft flower because I blossomed for you? Is that your idea? I spent years being made strong by an evil worm of a man until even when he cut me, I didn’t feel it! Do you think I’m some soft flower? I fought for my life and I won! And now I’m going to fight for your life. Don’t say anything. You can’t change my mind.”
I wait for a few minutes, and then approach her. Her back rises and falls, her fists clenched so hard her knuckles are white. I place my hand on her shoulders. “This is the only way,” I tell her. “And if you try and get involved I’ll have to stop you.”
“What, you’re on their side now?” She turns on me. A tear slides down her cheek.
“I’m on your side, only yours. I d
on’t care about anybody else. I just want you to be okay.”
“And you think I’ll be okay if I live the rest of my life knowing it was my fault you’re dead?”
“How is it your fault? Explain that to me, Selena. Because the last time I checked, you were abducted outside my apartment building. I never should’ve brought you home. It was a mistake.”
“So now all of this is a mistake?” she snaps. “So what you were saying five minutes ago about us being close and how it doesn’t have to make sense. It’s as simple as that … But it’s not as simple as that, is it, because on some level you regret meeting me in that bar.”
“I’m giving my life for you!” I roar, taking a step back. “They’re going to take me into the desert and put a bullet in me and all for you, and you’re gonna accuse me of not giving a damn? Are you mad? Is that it? Have you gone fuckin’ crazy?”
“Maybe I am!” she hisses. “Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m crazy because I love you, Dante! Do you understand? I love you, and I don’t care if that makes me crazy! I love you, and I’m not letting them kill you!”
I put my hand over her mouth. “Quiet,” I say. “If they hear you …”
She bites my hand. “I don’t care,” she says, when I pull my hand away. “I’m not letting them hurt you and that’s that. Conversation over. Now leave me alone. Get away from me so I can get ready to save your life.”
I have no other choice but to retreat to the other side of the room, head low, feeling dejected.
The whole thing is a confusing mess, but I know one thing for sure: I can’t let her risk her life for mine.
Chapter Sixteen
Selena
I sit with my knees to my chest, looking over at Dante every so often and stewing with anger. He’s going to get himself killed for me. I keep thinking that, over and over; he’s going to willingly get himself killed to save my life. He can’t tell me there’s a connection between us, that we can be together, and then do something like that. Surely if there’s a connection between us that means that both of us should be trying to escape. Surely if there’s a connection between us that means that we should be acting together. He shouldn’t be keeping me in the dark.
“Selena,” he says, but I ignore him. He walks over to me, leaning heavily on his uninjured leg. He looks like he needs me. That’s the worst part. He looks as if what he needs most of all is for me to hold him, soothe him. And yet the idea of holding and soothing him makes me queasy when I think about what he’s doing to us. No fighting, just giving up.
“I’ll talk with you if you take it back,” I say. “Otherwise I have nothing to say.”
“How can I take it back?” he snaps. “Do you really think I can just walk up to the guards and kindly ask them to let us waltz out of here? What do you think’s happening here? Brose wants blood and if he don’t get mine he’ll just take both of ours. It’s me, or it’s you and me.”
I fold my arms. “Then it should be both of us.”
“You don’t mean that,” Dante says. “You can’t.” He kneels next to me, wincing with the effort. “What about your mother? Surely you want to get out of here so you can see her?”
“Are you really using my mom against me?” I turn to him, trying to keep hold of my rage. It’s difficult, though. He looks too vulnerable and handsome all at once. “Is that your grand plan—to emotionally manipulate me? I had enough of that with Clint.”
“I don’t intend to spend my last few hours on this earth arguing with the lady I’m trying to save.”
“Then maybe you should stop trying to save me. Whoever told you I was a damsel, anyway?”
He presses his forefingers into his temples, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. I can tell he’s struggling not to snap at me again. “This is about saving your life,” he says. “I’m not sure how many ways I can say that.”
“Well, I’m clearly just a ditzy stupid girl, aren’t I? I can’t even understand when the big strong man has explained it to me! How stupid I must be!”
“You’re twisting my words,” he says. “I didn’t say that.”
“Sometimes when a woman’s angry, she twists her man’s words! Get used to it!”
I stand up and pace up and down the room, clenching my fists and clicking my neck from side to side. I have to get ready. I prepare myself mentally. There will be violence soon, and before violence I always feel twitchy and ultra-aware. I always feel more like an animal than a person. With Clint it was a rat or a mouse or some other scurrying thing. But now I’ll be a tigress or a lioness or a cheetah queen. I’ll be a she-wolf and pounce on these men and tear them apart. I won’t let them take my man. My nails will pop their eyeballs before that happens. There will be blood, and there’s nothing they can do about it.
“What are you doing?” Dante asks, half laughing and half serious.
“Shadow boxing,” I tell him, jabbing the air.
“You’re doing it wrong. Those are some pretty girly slaps. I don’t see the harm in pointing that out.”
“We’ll see how girly they are,” I reply, throwing a right hook at nothing.
“If you try something …”
“You’re not the boss of me.”
He stands up—wincing and growling at his leg—and limps over to me. When he places his hands on mine, I want to slap him away but he looks sick with the effort of standing. “Listen to me,” he says. “I wanted a life with you. It’s the truth. I wanted a kid and a family and everything. I never thought I would but I did. But we can’t have it. I’m done. I reckon I’ve been done in many ways since Markus died.”
“But your brother didn’t just die. Brose killed him. And now you’re going to let him kill you, too!”
“There’s no other choice,” Dante groans.
“Is talking to me too much effort for you?”
“Yes, actually.” He grips his leg and limps to the wall, leaning against it. “Maybe I’ll bleed to death before they get a chance to kill me.”
“Don’t say that. Let me have a look.”
I go to him and sit him down, and then reapply the makeshift bandage as best I can. There isn’t much I can do except to tighten it and tear off more denim. Now I’m wearing jean shorts instead of full-length jeans.
He catches my hand as I tie the knot. “This is all for you,” he says. “You have to know that.”
“I understand.” I move my thumb over his knuckles, stroking. “But I can’t let it happen. No way. I’ll die first.”
“I won’t let that happen.”
I nod at his leg. “I don’t think you can stop me.”
He grins. “Do you really think a slug in the leg is gonna stop me?”
Footsteps sound in the hallway. They seem heavier than normal, and the men aren’t talking. A deathly atmosphere fills the room and suddenly I know that this is the moment. They’re here to take Dante away.
My first instinct is to become small as I became small with Clint. I’ll hunch against the wall and then later tell myself that there was nothing I could do, even if that’s a lie and there’s plenty I can do. I’ll tell myself it isn’t my fault and then curse myself for the rest of my life for letting it happen. I force down the mouse instinct and bring the lioness to the forefront. I’m done playing the mouse. I shunned victimhood the day I ran out on Clint. I’m not sinking back into it.
“Selena,” Dante warns.
I ignore him, standing up.
The door swings open and two men step through. They look tough and almost bored, as if they’ve done this many times before and just want to get it over with so they can go home. The biggest man is bald, with a goatee, and his leather so tight his fat arms almost break the seams. The man beside him is skinnier, with a mop of sandy hair and facial hair so thin it’s almost transparent.
“Get the girl,” Baldy says. “I’ll get the big boss.”
Sandy steps forward, taking his gun from his hip and aiming it lazily at me. He doesn’t see me as a threat. Dante is the o
nly threat and Dante is leaning against the wall, panting, clutching his leg. He looks even worse than he did even a few minutes ago. He looks like he could collapse any second. Sandy steps right up to me with the gun, aiming it at my belly. “Come on, then,” he says. “We haven’t got all night.”
“Wait, are you Mitchel Reeder?” I ask, fluttering my eyelashes. I make myself look as pretty as possible: a dainty little thing, a hilarious case of mistaken identity.
“What? No.” Sandy tilts his head at me. “Why do you ask?”
“You look so much like him. He’s a male model.”
Sandy glances at Baldy, grinning. “You hear that—”
