* * * *
After Susa takes her shower, we head downstairs and have breakfast.
“Are you sure you don’t want to come to the party?” I ask. Dad and Katie invited them to join us.
“We’ll come by later,” Carter assures me. “I think you need some time with them. Cake’s going to be served at two. We’ll join you then and hang around with you and them until after dinner.”
“What are you guys going to do today?”
“I haven’t been to Vegas before,” Carter says. “We’re going to look around before lunch.”
“I want to go shopping,” Susa says.
Carter laughs and meets my gaze in the rearview mirror. “On second thought, maybe I’ll stay there with you and let her take the car. Save me, boy.”
I wasn’t expecting to laugh like that, but it was so atypically Carter that it’s hysterical.
From his smile, I can tell he’s pleased.
“No, you don’t get to run out on me,” Susa says. “Someone’s got to help me shop. I might need a new suitcase to carry everything in, too.”
“Oh, lord,” Carter mutters, but that, too, sounds playful.
I feel…light.
Like a weight has lifted from my shoulders.
I feel…
Happy.
I thought I was starting to learn what happiness is from my time spent with them, but this feels like even a level beyond that. Like I’ve unlocked some bonus level or something.
Not for the first time, I wonder if this is what normal people feel like on a daily basis.
They drop me off and say quick hellos and good-byes to Dad and Katie and the kids. Once Carter and Susa leave, I follow my dad and Katie to the kitchen and—what else—offer to help out.
“So how long have they been dating?” Katie asks.
“Oh, they aren’t. We’re all—” My mouth snaps shut, realizing this is the first time I’ve confronted this scenario. Of describing…us.
“She’s sort of adopted us,” I say, going into a very quick version of her story, and Carter’s. “We’ll be staying with her during breaks.”
“That’ll piss your mom off,” Dad says, and he’s not wrong.
“I really don’t care if it does.”
That’s the first time I’ve ever been able to say that, completely mean it, and not feel gut-wrenchingly terrified when I do.
* * * *
I have a great time on Saturday. I meet family I never knew, Dad’s and Katie’s. I especially enjoy Susan warming up and proudly introducing me as her “big brother” to people.
I wonder if this is how Carter feels. If so, I can understand now why he took such a keen interest in me early on when he heard about my background.
Susa and Carter join us for cake, and have actually brought a present for Danny that’s wrapped and everything, and is from the three of us—even though I had no clue she was going to do that, but I feel even more grateful to her because of it.
Saturday night, we return to the hotel after dinner and I lie there and get debriefed by Carter and Susa. More tears, but I’m feeling far less volatile than I was yesterday.
I’ve earned the double reward of being able to come again, and then take care of Susa, like I did that morning.
I sleep like the dead, and if Carter has a nightmare, it’s not loud enough to awaken me.
On the fight back to Tampa Sunday afternoon, I’m sitting on the aisle, Carter’s in the middle this time, and Susa again occupies the window seat. Ever since we took off, he’s kept one hand on Susa’s thigh. Sometime her hand covers his, sometimes not, but it’s like he’s scared to let go.
I awakened feeling…off. Part of me wants to simply blow it off as my emotions wildly swinging out of control, but I don’t understand the vague unease filling me, like there’s a whole subtext I’m missing.
I don’t know what happened between Carter and Susa before they returned to Dad’s house yesterday after dropping me off.
Or maybe I’m just letting insecurity and anxiety and Katie’s innocent question get the best of me.
That’s the most likely scenario.
Thanks, Mom.
Even though it feels like I’ve known Carter for my whole life, one thing I’ve learned for certain in the short time we’ve been together is that he’s not someone to mince words or hold back truths.
If he’s got a problem with you, he’ll tell you. Maybe he’s a bastard extraordinaire sometimes, but he’s an honest one.
Except…my mind spins a thousand nervous fantasies. I know they’ve talked about Susa maybe trying things with Carter, so she can see how they feel.
Did they play? Did he top her?
I think about the unexpected next step I was introduced to and wonder about that. Nothing Carter and Susa have said would preclude them from taking things to new level. And Katie even thought they were dating. Hell, I know Susa is in love with Carter.
Did they have sex?
Did she enjoy it?
Did he enjoy it?
That last thought stops me in my tracks as I ponder the implications of why I care so much about that.
I’m not sure if I feel more jealous over the possibility of him enjoying it or her enjoying it, and that…confuses me. Confuses me in the same way that earning praise from Carter makes me feel good and confuses me.
Lots of things about this whole situation confuse me, but the thought of giving either of them up fill me with a deeper anxiety and fear than the ones currently dancing the hokey-pokey through my mind.
I’ll take the confusion, because at least it’s a peaceful confusion. I know it doesn’t make sense, but it’s the best way to describe it.
I’ve never known such a deep peace as when I’m on my knees in front of Susa.
Yeah, okay, or in front of Carter.
I don’t understand why it feels so calming, but I crave it, like a drug. I get now why smokers can’t quit, if the hit they receive is anything like the one I get kneeling with my head bowed.
Or getting my ass spanked.
Believe me, that one surprised the hell out of me, too.
The more confident Susa grows during our play, the more I enjoy it, and the deeper I go.
The deeper I go, the less inhibited I feel, because Carter’s never given me any reason to think he’ll ever betray me, or her.
I don’t mind him supervising our play or showing her how to do things. In a way, I suppose it’s a comfort that he wants to make sure she doesn’t harm me.
I never thought I’d see myself in this position—any of the positions, actually—but now that it’s part of my life I never want it to end.
It’s what I never knew I needed, and it fills that void inside me perfectly.
Susa.
I don’t know why serving Carter when the two of us are alone also fills me with…
Contentment.
Sexually, I respond to Susa during our play. That excites me in ways I never dreamed.
On the flip side of it, the demands Carter place on me away from Susa…they also excite me in different ways.
To earn his praise.
To hear those two damn words.
Good boy.
Not just good boy, but my good boy.
To let out a long-held breath and relax into his touch when he scratches my head as I kneel in front of him.
Learning positions for him.
I might swear at him sometimes, and not want to do what he tells me to do, and bite back screams of pain over what he’s doing to me, but I am consenting to it. All of it.
Because when I watch Susa watching him, the excitement in her eyes, her rewarding me for being her good boy…
It’s all worth it.
Every bit of it.
Carter was right about me not looking up shit online, though. Because too much of it’s porn. The sites he’s directed me to have been helpful, even if I still seek answers within myself.
The emotional math isn’t complicated—one nar
cissistic parent, one absent parent (thanks, Mom) and throw in a nasty divorce. A woman who wasn’t happy unless she was making me suffer.
A woman I’ve never been able to please in my life.
A woman I can never remember telling me “good boy” one single time. It’s no wonder I’m addicted to Susa and Carter’s positive reinforcement.
We hit turbulence, and suddenly, my hand is tightly engulfed by Carter’s. When I look, he’s facing straight ahead, his eyes squeezed closed. His hand on Susa’s thigh hasn’t moved, though, even though her hand now rests over his. She seems to be asleep, or nearly so, even though it’s difficult to tell with her sleep mask on. Then again, she’s an experienced flier.
Whatever happened this weekend away from my ken can wait. If anything happened. There’s a very good chance nothing happened other than shopping.
I squeeze back, letting Carter know I’m there and not going anywhere.
I see him silently mouth, Thank you.
I will not ask him about it now. If there is anything that happened and he wants to tell me, he will. If he doesn’t, fair enough.
Considering what he’s been through, he probably doesn’t have good memories to associate with flying. I don’t want to add to his stress by being a needy pet on top of that. This is one small way I can serve him.
And considering how much I gained this weekend by him and Susa pushing me to go, actually taking me, and being there with me to support me…
Well, I know he’s my friend. Both of them are. They love me. That’s all that matters.
His grip eases about twenty minutes after the last bump, but he doesn’t let go, and I make no move to free my hand. In fact, he strokes the back of my hand with his thumb. We finally land at Tampa without dying, and it’s not until we’re on the ground that he releases me and takes a deep breath.
“Sorry that wasn’t very ‘masterly’ of me,” he softly snarks.
But I reach out and stay him with my hand. “Carter,” I say.
He looks at me.
“Considering how much you support me, if you think I’m not going to support you when you need me, think again.”
He reaches out and squeezes my hand. “Thank you, Owen.”
“You’re welcome, Sir.”
He smiles. “My good boy.”
Susa clears her throat, and he rolls his eyes. “Fine. Our good boy. Happy?”
She grins, making me chuckle. “Yep.”
Chapter Thirty-Three
We stop to eat dinner on the way back to Susa’s. But we’re only at Susa’s long enough to unload her things—including the new suitcase full of stuff she purchased in Las Vegas—and hug her good-bye. I want to help her unpack, but Carter and Susa insist that’s not necessary tonight.
We return to the dorm room and without thinking, I immediately strip and retrieve the tether from its storage tote and set it up, donning my cuffs and collar.
I didn’t realize how much I’d missed wearing them this weekend, but I did.
When I turn, I realize Carter’s been watching me this whole time, leaning against the wall and with his arms crossed over his chest.
An inscrutable expression darkens his gaze.
“What’s wrong, Sir?”
He slowly shakes his head. “Not a damn thing, boy.” His voice sounds…hoarse, though. Choked up.
Emotional?
He disappears into the bathroom, though, so I can’t ask him about it.
When it’s time for bed, I go over to Carter’s bed and drop into Devotion. He touches the top of my head.
“Come here, boy.” When I sit up, he’s patting the bed.
I climb in and he spoons against me, on our sides. “Thank you, boy,” he says.
“You don’t have to thank me, Sir. Besides, you’re the one I should be thanking. You and Susa, both, for taking me this weekend.” And I have to admit sleeping like this isn’t the worst thing ever. It’s kind of nice sharing a bed with someone. Even with Carter.
Although sharing one with Susa this weekend was even better, having both of them there with me.
Not feeling alone.
* * * *
Our PT resumes the next morning. Carter sets a blistering pace, which surprises the hell out of me because I know he was moving pretty damn slowly when he got up.
He’s also not very talkative this morning. I do my best to keep up, which has been getting incrementally easier every week. Not saying I’m in nearly as good of shape as he is, but I’m not embarrassing myself, so that’s something.
Our morning shower—joy for me, and for him—and then on to class.
Commando, no toy.
Yay.
It means I can focus on the lesson.
It’s after class where my world unexpectedly tilts sideways.
Once we’re alone in the room, Carter isn’t looking at me as he grabs his backpack. “You’re going to spend the night at Susa’s,” he says.
“Sir?” I’m certain I’ve misheard him.
Now he looks at me. “You heard me. She’ll pick you up from the dorm after your last class and you’ll go with her. Go back to the dorm as soon as your last class ends, pack, and text her so she can get you. Make sure I receive a good report from her. Be my good boy.”
I turn to Susa, who’s wearing a playful smile. “When did this get decided?”
“We talked about it over the weekend.”
“Where was I?”
“At your dad’s.” She reaches up and ruffles my hair. “Unless you don’t want to spend the night with me.”
I turn to ask Carter about this, but he’s already gone, and it honestly takes me a moment to process that.
That he’s left.
My heart races, and not in a good way. Part of me wants to chase him down and ask him what the hell?
I even take a step toward the door, except Susa reaches out and catches my arm. “Owen.”
I turn.
“Is this okay? Or do you need to safeword?”
“What about Carter?”
“This is you and me tonight.”
“But…what about Carter?” I feel stupid asking that again, like I’m stuck in a loop.
“Either tell me this is okay, or safeword.”
The stupid thing is, just a few weeks ago, I would have immediately said yes and dove headfirst into this.
But…
What about Carter?
I know he said there would be tests from time to time, shaking me out of my usual headspace.
Maybe after last weekend this is one of those times?
I finally nod. “It’s okay, Ma’am.”
“Walk with me, please.”
Which completely rules out what I was going to do…which is chase Carter down and ask him what’s going on.
Maybe that’s her point.
Usually, Carter and I walk together from this class and part ways to go to our respective buildings for our next classes.
It feels…weird, not in a bad way, walking with Susa.
We finally stop at a juncture in the sidewalk where I can veer off toward my own building.
Carter is nowhere to be seen.
Susa crooks a finger at me to lean in, and when I do, she brushes a kiss across my lips. “Be my good boy today,” she says. “Text me once you’re packed and ready to go.”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
She walks off and I stand there watching her until she rounds a corner.
If Carter’s point was to throw me out of my routine, well, mission accomplished.
But I’m not sure I like what this feels like.
When I reach my class I sit in the back, instead of closer to the front where I usually do, so I can hide what I’m doing.
I text Carter.
Is everything okay, Sir?
He texts me back a few minutes later.
Everything’s fine, boy. :)
But this doesn’t feel fine.
On the other hand, I guess I’m not the best person to decid
e what feels fine or not after how I was raised.
Maybe that’s Carter’s point.
Maybe this will be fine and tomorrow we’ll resume our usual routine, and Carter will point to this as an example that change, the unexpected, doesn’t automatically equate with something bad happening.
I have two options—safeword, or go with this.
I try one more time, just to make sure.
Carter, please tell me we’re okay?
I hold my phone in my hand until he responds a minute or so later.
Owen, I promise you, we’re fine. :)
I know that I have to take Carter at his word. None of this works if I don’t trust him.
Despite swearing I’ll leave this alone, I’m compelled to ask.
What about tonight, Sir? Your nightmares?
The thought of him going through them alone rips at me. It takes him another minute to reply.
I’ll be fine, boy. I want you to be my good boy, obey Ma’am, and have fun tonight. Understand? :)
Carter is not a huge user of emojis. When he does use them, I know he means it.
I respond the only way I can.
Yes, Sir. Thank you.
I sit back, take a deep breath, and try to process this so I can focus on my class.
It’s also the moment I realize that I will do anything to not fuck up things with Carter. Even if it means I don’t have a girlfriend, or date, or that I spend the rest of my life like this. Because, emotionally, my relationship with Carter has been more satisfying than any relationship I’ve ever had before, and Susa comes a close second to that.
* * * *
As ordered, I return to our room and quickly pack, then text Susa that I’m ready. Carter isn’t there, either, and I struggle with confused emotions over that. I’m also torn between wanting to put on the tether while I wait, or rush downstairs to wait for her.
Governor (Governor Trilogy 1) Page 25
