by Janeal Falor
“Yes, Your Majesty,” he says. “Is there anything else you recommend we do?”
I glance out the window. I wish I knew a way to bring him back to me. “No.”
“If that's all, then I will get back to work. I'll let you know if I have anything to report.”
I dismiss him, and with a bow, he leaves the room.
It's silent after he leaves.
What do you say when someone you care about deeply has been taken?
Jem's words are faint. “Maybe it's for the best.”
“What is?” My voice is dead.
“That he's gone.”
“For the best?” That makes me roar to life. “For the best? Get out of my sight. Get out, right now.”
“I'm sorry, Your Majesty,” she says as she backs up. “You just seem very attached to him, and you know the queen can't afford to be.”
“You have no idea what they're doing to him. What kind of pain he has to be in.”
Her eyes widen. “Forgive me. I misspoke.”
“I said get out.”
She scurries for the door and slams it behind her.
I can't believe she said that.
Can't believe Nash is gone.
I bury my face in my hands and cry.
Chapter 20
Sometime after my eyes have dried, there's a knock.
“Enter,” I say.
The door squeaks open. There's a hesitation, and then Pina says, “Your Majesty, I have a note back from Nash's mother.”
I pull myself to my feet, and Pina hands me the note. It's not bulky like the last one. No hidden ring with blood on it.
I want to gag. Instead, I take deep breaths as I open the letter.
* * *
Queen Ryn,
Thank you for your kind words about my son. I know you will do what you can to find him. I love him dearly and want nothing more than his return. Thank you for doing everything you can to bring him back to me.
Your faithful servant,
Slipa
* * *
Her words hurt. Am I really doing what’s best for him? What’s best for my people? What would he want? Would he want me to let him… die?
I swallow against the pain and the memories.
Should I change the taxes back again? There's still time. There's always time. Timit won’t be happy—many of the council won’t—but then, they'll be glad I’m not using more of our resources for Nash.
But I can't do it.
Slipa and his sisters are in such pain. They care for him so much—more than anyone ever cared for me.
It might be a mercy to let him die and not have to put up with the torture. Then again, do I really know what they're doing to him? Maybe the blood was just to scare me. Maybe there's more going on than meets the eyes.
I don't know what to do.
I wish Nash was here to advise me. The next best thing is the First Queen. I need only go to sleep, and she'll be there waiting for me. She'll help. I know she will. There has to be some sort of magic that can be used to locate a person. It's time we stopped being so afraid of using magic.
Pina is still here.
“Thank you for doing your duty. Go get some dinner, and I'll see you tomorrow,” I say.
“Aren't you going to eat?” she asks.
“I'm not hungry.”
She looks like she wants to protest but doesn't dare. Good. I'm not up for another argument.
“If you're sure… I'll see you in the morning, Your Highness.” She curtseys, and I nod for her to leave.
Once I'm alone, I deflate. I can barely pretend to be strong when people are around. When they're gone, I'm a mess.
How did I let this happen?
I force myself through exercises I can do in my room before I hurry to change into a night gown and huddle up on the bed to force sleep to come. Too much time passes with me still awake. How will I get aid from the First Queen if I can’t rest?
A knock sounds. I yell, “Come in.”
Inkga enters. “I didn’t realize you wished to go to bed. You should have rang for me, and I would have come helped.”
“I didn’t feel like bothering you.”
“I know you didn’t eat anything off of your tray earlier. Would you like me to order you dinner?” Though her voice is soft, it grates on me.
I shake my head.
“Do you want me to sit with you for a while?”
I want to tell her no, but what comes out is, “I'd like that.”
When did I get so weak as to want people around? I don't know, but I can't say I entirely regret it. I don't want to be alone at a moment like this, when all of me feels as if I will come crashing down on myself, and I can’t seem to sleep and get the advice I so desperately need.
She pulls the chair from my vanity over to the bedside while I sit up, resting my back against the headboard. It's awkward. I've not had a person around to comfort me like this before. I don't know what to say or do. Whatever it is, I need something to distract me.
“Tell me about your family.” The words come out before I've thought of them.
She takes it in stride. “What do you want to know?”
“Anything. Everything.”
She nods like she understands, but I'm not sure anyone can.
“I believe you know my mother,” she says.
“I do?” This surprises me. I know so few people.
“Monkia.”
“The Head of Staff is your mother?”
“She is. That's how I got a job in the palace to begin with. They are very sought-after positions, and I wouldn't have been able to acquire the job were it not for her.”
A smile tugs at my lips. “Funny. I'm not sure if she really likes me or not.”
“There's no question that she does. Whether or not she goes with you on the council, though, is a different matter.”
“How do you know she likes me?”
“I don't know if she did at first, but now there's a note of respect in her voice when she talks about you.”
“Weird.”
She laughs. “Extra weird for me. Who do I listen to when you two have differing opinions? The queen or my mother?”
That almost makes me laugh along with her. “I won't fault you for agreeing with your mother. Did you help her with the ball?”
“Not much. Mostly, I listened to her talk about it when she came home at night.”
“You two share a room, then?” I ask.
“We share living quarters in the servants' area. She could have had a place in the palace, but we both like it better away from the hubbub of the palace.”
I wonder what that means. “What about the rest of your family? Or is it you and your mom?”
“Nope. My dad works at the palace too. He’s head of the horses in the stables.”
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“I don't.”
“So working at the palace is a family affair. Does your father get to stay in the same quarters as you and your mother?”
“No. He stays with the men.”
This I don't understand. “Do we not have living quarters for families?”
“You don't.”
“Maybe I should remedy this.”
“Trust me, if there's anything the queen shouldn't worry about, it's this. My parents get along much better when they're not together.”
That's a sad thought, but at least she has her parents. I never had any—unless you count Daros as an adoptive parent, which I don't.
“It's a good thing, really. I can visit my father in the stables whenever I'm not busy, and I get to see my mom at night. I have both my parents near me, which is more than a lot of servants can say.”
It sounds almost like a dream. I can't imagine anything like that. “What's it like, having your parents around?”
“It's…” She shrugs. “Just what it is. I like having them close, though I'm old enough I should be making my way in the world. I don't know what it is
about family, but it makes me feel safe. Like I belong. Happy. I wish I could share that with you.”
“I wish you could too.” My voice is so faint that I'm not sure she hears me.
“Don't you know anything about your family? Is that why you told the ladies-in-waiting not to bring them to the palace?”
She’s rather forward for a servant, but I'm not about to argue with her when I'm so exhausted. “I don't know anything about my family. I was left as a baby to Daros. And now he has Nash.”
The room goes silent.
I'm woozy.
Inkga leans forward. “They'll find him.”
“You can't know that.”
“No, but I have faith.”
“Faith in what?” I scoff. “Daros? The only thing I have faith that he'll do is torture Nash.” My voice comes out more anguished than I meant it to.
“No, Ryn. Faith that our men will find him and bring him home.” Her voice is so soft. So believing.
But she’s wrong.
There's nothing anyone can do.
“I should get some sleep.”
“Of course.” She stands and puts the chair back in place. “Please let someone know if you need me. I'll be here in an instant.”
I can't speak, only nod.
She gives me one last glance before leaving the room.
I blow out the candle by my bedside table and flop down onto the mattress. I force my eyes closed My body aches with exhaustion. I turn over and over, trying to find a comfortable position so I may fall asleep to talk to the First Queen.
I can’t.
My thoughts stray to Nash. To what Daros is doing to him. Will Nash be tortured beyond repair despite my doing as they demanded?
Will he be killed?
Whatever happens, there's nothing I can do about it.
Chapter 21
I never get to sleep so I can talk to the First Queen. Never get any sort of comfort. Eventually, I get up and work out more. If I can’t keep my mind together, I may as well keep my body active.
Inkga comes in with breakfast, but I can't bring myself to eat.
“You need your strength,” she says.
I take a bite of bread and choke it down. Nash probably isn't getting any food at all.
Inkga picks out an outfit for me. I put it on without paying attention to what it is, but I make sure I have all my weapons on me.
She does something to my hair. I avoid my gaze in the mirror, not wanting to see the dark circles under my eyes.
She doesn't take the tray with her when she goes, like she usually does. Instead she says, “I'll leave this here, in case you decide you want something to eat. Also, Wilric has requested an audience.”
“What does he want?”
She shrugs. “I’m uncertain. Is there anything else you need, My Lady?”
“Nothing. Thank you, Inkga. Please show Wilric into the sitting room.”
She nods and is gone. I follow her to the sitting room, where I take a seat in my usual chair. I'd rather pace, but I don't want to appear more frantic than I already do.
What could Wilric want?
He comes in a moment later. “Your Majesty.” He gives a deep bow.
“You may rise.”
He stands in front of me.
“Take a seat,” I say.
“I'm fine, my lady.”
“Sit.” If I have to, so does he.
He complies, picking the chair on my left. “I've come to talk to you about Nash.”
I try not to flinch at the mention of his name. It's not that I can't hear it; it's that I can't hear it without thinking of what he's going through. “What about him?”
“I don't know if you are aware, but Nash and I are good friends.”
I nod. I didn’t know, but I'm not surprised.
“I can't stand to know my friend is captured and likely being tortured. I want your permission to take a team of men and go search for him.”
“Why do you need my permission? Wouldn't Jaku let you go?”
“He probably would, but I'm afraid if I ask, he'll want me to stay on guard duty for you.”
That might be a fair assessment. After all, my Head Advisor was kidnapped. What's to say they aren't coming for me next? “Why do you think you can find Nash when the rest of Jaku's men couldn’t?”
“Because I know this town. It's huge, but I grew up patrolling it. I know how to find things here. I'm determined to find Nash. I just need your permission.”
Finding Nash is like finding the mythical fila animal. Impossible. “You have it as long as you keep me updated.”
The tightening around his eyes eases some. “Thank you, Your Majesty. I promise to let you know what we discover.”
Another, stronger, thought comes to me. “No need. I will come with you.”
He doesn't succeed in suppressing a cringe. “I'm certain your skills would be useful, but we can't risk you going out into public like that.”
I thin my lips. I want to go. But he's right. Besides, I have duties to attend. “Fine.”
He raises his eyebrows.
“Not what you expected?” I ask.
“Honestly, no, Your Majesty. From what I know, I expected you to fight me on this.”
I sigh. “I want to, but I can't. I need to take care of the people. So you promise me you'll do everything you can to find him, and I'll do my part to keep everything else running smoothly.”
“I promise, Your Highness.”
“Get to it, then.”
He nods and stands. “I will.”
He leaves, giving me a moment alone. I slump back into my chair. Is this hope? I don't know.
After a moment, I go to the hall. I find Afet, Stird, Eldim, and two guards I don't recognize, both women. Jaku’s upping the amount of guards on me.
To my servant that's waiting with them, I say, “Please bring me Jaku.”
I spend the rest of the morning talking to Jaku and my ladies-in-waiting about everything, from Nash missing, to the state of the country, to the ladies’-in-waiting homes. Jem joins us, though she's not officially a lady-in-waiting any longer, and I prepare for this afternoon, when I will be addressing my people's concerns.
I dread it. They are going to be angry with me. I don't think I can handle their wrath at this moment, but I need to. If I’m going to change things on them, I have to show strength.
I spend lunchtime by myself. I need to eat, to keep my strength up, especially since I didn't eat much at breakfast. Again, I choke down some bread and protein, not tasting my food. Then it's time.
After Inkga arranges my hair around my crown, my guards and Jem follow me to the throne room. The last time I was here I was coronated. Now, I don't deserve it.
I should have never drunk the Mortum Tura. Then Nash would still be safe.
I sit on the throne. It's wrong. So wrong.
I'm a fraud.
I shouldn't be wearing this crown.
Guards surround me, like this place is filled with people, but there's no one. People will be admitted in small groups after they have been searched for weapons.
I still don't trust it, though. How can we check for everything? How do I know the guard checking them is on my side? I don't.
Nothing is safe.
But it's not my safety I'm worried about; it's Nash’s.
I close my eyes and clench my jaw. Now is not the time to fall apart. I have to keep myself together, for the sake of my people.
Once I'm in control of myself, I say, “Let the first group in.”
“Yes, Your Majesty.” Jem stands at my side and does as I asked. She admits a group of people.
There are five of them—not many—and all wearing tattered clothes. Their faces are gaunt, their eyes haunted. There is a man, a woman, and what I assume would be their three children.
They bow. “Your Majesty.” The man comes forward. “On behalf of my family, I would like to ask you why you made these changes to the tax law.”
I fr
eeze with my mouth half open. I don’t know what to say. The truth would be best, but faced with him and the others, I flounder. I put Nash in the forefront of my thoughts. What he’s going through. His sister begging me to save his life—save their family.
“I can offer you food. If you will visit the kitchens, I will make certain you have something to eat,” I say.
“We don’t want your food,” the woman says. “We want what you promised us.”
My throat threatens to close up. What have I done to my people? But what other choice do I have? I jump to my feet. “You will go to the kitchens, gather some food, and take it back to your family.” I put a commanding voice into the demand, trying to ignore the pang in my chest. I motion to the closest servant. “See they have what I requested.”
A guard ushers them back out of the room, with the servant hurrying after them.
The rest of the afternoon goes much the same, though the people don’t always demand to know why I went back on my promise. They request food, despair heavy in their gazes.
As a Poruah family makes their way out, a Kurah man, richly dressed in purple robes, sneers at them. I’m making this divide among my people worse. Is this what Nash would want? Is it even helping him? It’s been a day. Why hasn’t Daros returned him?
Chapter 22
Despite it being sometime in the middle of the night and desperately wanting to talk to the First Queen, I can't sleep. The harder I try, the more awake I feel.
I toss and turn. Turn and toss. Until I can't stand it anymore.
I fling myself out of bed and dress in black pants and a black shirt. I stash my weapons on me. The question is do I go look for Nash by myself, or do I take someone? Whatever the case may be, there’s a sense of urgency. The longer Daros has him, the less confident I feel I’ll ever see him again.
Preferably, I'd go by myself, but Nash would be upset if I did so. I have to take someone. Which means I'll end up taking a lot of someones.
Not what I want, but if it helps find Nash…
I stalk to my sitting room and open the door. The guards and a servant jump. Apparently, they weren't expecting me.
