by Janeal Falor
“Of course it wasn’t.” I’m getting tired of telling him that. It’s all he’s been asking since he arrived. “The cut came from me,” I say.
Nash’s face scrunches up. “Ryn, I thought you were over hurting yourself. And how did you move enough to make that happen?” His face lightens. “Are you getting your strength back?”
“No.” The word comes out of me more harshly than I mean it too, but the pain in my chest is so great, it’s difficult to be anything but harsh. More calmly, I say, “Sorry. No. Let me explain. I was dreaming of Androlla and had full use of my body. We were talking, when I got the idea that I could kill her and be done with everything. Except, when I cut her arm, I woke to pain and my arm bleeding.”
Both men are silent, as they exchange a glance. Jaku says, “I think it’s safe to say you can’t harm Androlla in your dreams without hurting yourself.”
Nash curses. “Sorry. This whole thing has me frustrated. I can’t believe it hurt you. Do you believe she was injured as well?”
I think back to the moment I cut her. How she lifted her arm. Her smile. The pain. “I don’t know. I think so; her arm was red. But she didn’t mind. She grinned at me like she hadn’t a care in the world. However she’s defeated, I don’t think it's from something happening in a dream.”
Nash looks down at my bandaged arm. “What do we do now?”
“I’m afraid I know the answer, but no one is going to like it.” When I have their full attention, I say, “I need to speak with Daros again.” I could have him tortured, but would that give the First Queen more of an upper hand? More of a footing to overtake me?
“Are you having a joke?” Jaku asks. “He played you last time. What’s to keep him from doing it again?”
“I’ll make him give us the information first this time. But he’s the only one who knows what to do. I have to work with him if there’s any chance of getting rid of her. I could tell him lies, but I wonder if that's giving the First Queen more power.” The First Queen’s presence draws near, dark and heavy. “She doesn’t relish the idea of me meeting him again either, which makes me think it’s a good one,” I say.
“I don’t like it,” Nash says.
“I think you’ve lost this one, Ryn,” Jaku says.
“Except you’re both forgetting one thing.”
“Which is?” Jaku runs his free hand over his stubble. Probably didn’t get a chance to shave this morning.
“I’m the queen. I get to do what I want.”
Nash huffs.
“As one of your council members, I would advise against it,” Jaku says.
“As your Head Advisor, I also advise against it.” Nash’s tone is firm.
“Then what should I do?” Out of habit, I try to point to my head, but my hand only twitches. “There’s nothing stopping her from taking over. It's a matter of time. I don’t like having to deal with Daros, but for once, he’s the lesser of two evils.”
Which is rather disgusting.
“When do you want it arranged for?” Jaku says, sounding resigned
“You mean you’re agreeing with this?” Nash yells.
“I have to do as the queen desires,” Jaku responds.
Nash lowers his voice, but it still holds a hint of tension. “And I have to do what’s best for my queen.”
“Which is talking to Daros,” I say. “I know you don’t like it. I don’t, either, but we have to get some answers.”
He shakes his head. “Fine.”
“Now that we’re all agreed, I’d like to go see him.”
“Let’s wait for Inkga to come back with Puneah and food,” Jaku says. “You need something in your system, and I’ll feel better if Puneah is with us when we go talk to Daros.”
“The creature doesn’t unnerve you?” I ask.
“Oh, she does. That’s why I want her around. Besides, she seems attached to you, and I want you to be surrounded by those that care as much as possible.”
Sounds like a good reason. The truth is I’d be more comfortable with Puneah around as well.
“I’m going to make arrangements.” Jaku looks at Nash. “You’ve got her?”
“Nothing will harm her while you’re gone. I promise you that.”
“And I’ll hold you to that promise,” Jaku says.
“I’m right here.” Because they’re talking around me, like I’m not or can’t hear.
“Sorry,” Jaku says. “I want to make certain you’re taken care of.”
“You’re forgiven.” He does have the right thought, but I wish to be included in plans about my own safety. Though it’s something I’ll probably never be able to do again. I clench my jaw, to keep from spouting off how I feel about it.
Jaku leaves, and Nash stands and presses a kiss to my forehead—a faint, feather-light kiss, but there, nevertheless. I close my eyes reveling in the safe, secure feeling—the love that I feel for him and he shares with me, even if we can never be together. I need that. I need to feel his love for me. His strength.
There’s a soft touch on my hand, and then the pressure increases slightly as he squeezes it. I open my eyes to find him looking right at me. “What?”
“Wishing I could take this away.”
I sigh. “You and me both. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you.”
He wraps both his hands around mine. “You’d have Jaku, Inkga, and Jem.”
The thought of them being here to help me threatens to close my throat, so I quickly switch topics. “How is Jem?”
He squeezes my hand more. “She’s managing. She thinks she’s hiding her feelings from everyone, diving into work with the other ladies-in-waiting and training them to fight as well as practicing, but it’s obvious there’s something missing from her life.”
I wish it didn’t have to be like that. That Wilric was still here for her to flirt with. To learn from. And if my suspicions are correct, to love.
“Can I tell you something?” I ask.
“Anything.”
I bite my lower lip, unsure I can tell him. But if I let it fester inside, where only the First Queen knows of it, she’ll use it against me. “I feel like it’s my fault Wilric died.”
“What? No. Why would you say that?”
“Because he died saving my life. He died protecting me. If I had never come here, he wouldn’t have been in that position.”
“I understand, but think about it. It was his job to protect you. More than that, if you hadn’t come along, it’s unlikely that he would have met Jem. That they would have formed a relationship. That he would have found such joy in serving and loving. Or that he would have died in such an honorable way, saving you, which I know he wouldn’t want any other way.” His eyes are wet, but the tears don’t fall.
Part of me feels at peace from his words, but I’m still conflicted. “You don’t know that. There’s no possible way you could.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, my queen. He may have died suddenly, but we spent long hours talking whenever we got the chance. One of the things we talked about was death, and he mentioned how he would rather die in the service of the crown, especially for such a worthy queen, than any other way. He was pleased he could be of such use.”
I think the words over. Can it be true? I know he can’t have wanted to die—not like I did when I first came to the palace, but in another way? A way that left him honored?
“What’s more,” Nash continues, “I know he was happy. He had an excellent life, a good family that he got to see sometimes, and he was falling deeply for Jem. Even if they could never marry, they could touch, which is more than what we could have in public. There was peace in his life and service. He was happy. What better time to go than when everything is as you want it?”
“But he could have had more. A wife and children. A long life.”
“Yes, but in the guard you know your time isn’t long. Protecting the queen is dangerous when things are so unstable, and your life is constantly in danger. I’m just sad to see a g
ood man—a friend—go.” This time a couple of tears do drop down his cheeks.
I wish I could wipe them away with my kisses. That I could take away the pain of losing a friend. Instead, I cry with him, mourning the loss of one so brave and true. One who should have had a long life, full of the people he loved and the things he enjoyed doing.
But Nash is right. It’s not my fault.
It’s Daros’s.
And there’s nothing I can do about it.
I pardoned him for all crimes. There’s no way to punish him without breaking my resolution. Despite that, I’m probably about to give him even more, since I need his help so desperately. Perhaps I should give into torturing him. But no. I won’t go there.
Nash runs a thumb across my face, drying my tears before his own. Once that’s done, he leans down, his mouth right next to mine and his breath warm against my lips. “I promise to take care of you. We’ll find a way through this.”
“And if we don’t?” I whisper.
“Then I’ll still be at your side the entire way.”
He brushes his lips against mine, soft at first, but firmer as the moments tick away. I press back, grateful I can do so, but wishing I could run my hands up his back and neck. That I could pull him closer to me.
As if reading my thoughts, he does move closer, puts a hand on my cheek, and deepens the kiss.
Everything going through me—every thought, feeling, touch—is like a bolt of energy rushing through me. Making me feel alive in a way I haven’t since long before I was poisoned. I'm full of so much feeling, I don’t know what to do with it.
I let myself get lost in the kiss. Lost in the feel of him. In the touch of his skin against my face. The way his fingers move toward my hair, then through it. I’ve never been so grateful I have control over my lips as I am in this moment. Talking is nice. Kissing is better.
He pulls away from my lips, and I’m about to protest, when his kisses trail along my jaw, up into my hair, and back down again.
I ache for him. To be with him. To love him. To marry him.
But those things can never be.
He breaks off, but only by a few inches. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
“Because my heart is torn to shreds over the fact that we can never be together.”
He squeezes his eyes closed, as if in pain. “I know.” He kisses the wetness from my skin. “I know.”
To my sadness, he stands, brushes the remaining tears from my face, and grabs my hand once more. When he sits next to me, I have the most insane urge to jump on his lap and kiss him until I can’t remember a thing.
But I can’t lift my own hand.
There’s a knock at the door. Nash has barely enough time to pull his hand from mine when it opens. Guess it’s a good thing I couldn’t climb on his lap after all. It’s Inkga, which explains why she didn’t wait for me to ask her to enter, since I’ve given her permission to come in at all times. Though we haven’t told her about our relationship, I’d like to think she’d be happy for me and Nash and keep our secret. It’s not something I’m willing to test, though. Although I think of her as my friend, it’s still difficult to trust anyone with that secret.
Puneah noses her way between Nash and me, sits on the ground next to my bed, and lays her head on my bed, next to my hand. My fingers twitch but can’t reach her.
Inkga sets a tray on the nearby table. “What would you like to start with, for breakfast?”
Anything that will get rid of the heartache blossoming inside me.
Chapter 5
Daros sits before me, bound like before, eyeing the bandage on my arm. “Had a little run-in, did we?”
I ignore him. I won’t give him the satisfaction of letting him know I hurt myself trying to kill the First Queen. “I need more information.”
“She did that to you, then. I knew you’d need more.”
Next to Daros, Nash balls his hands into fists.
On his other side, Jaku remains calmer, but the lines in his neck are tense. He says, “You will respect Her Majesty.”
Daros shrugs—or tries to. “She hasn’t earned my respect.”
Nash’s fist goes flying.
Before it can land, I say, “Not yet, Nash.”
He pulls back, shoulders heaving. It can’t be easy, putting up with Daros attacking me. If our positions were reversed, I would have let that punch land, instead of pulling back.
“That’s right,” Daros says. “Listen to the girl. That’s all she can do anymore is talk. Might as well make her think it means something.”
This time, Nash doesn’t hesitate. He punches Daros full on the mouth. Daros reels back fast and hard, the front two legs of the chair lifting off the ground.
I don’t bother saying something to Nash. I wanted to do the same thing.
Daros turns his head to the side and spits. “Not a good way to get information out of me.”
I say, “I need you to tell me how to defeat the First Queen. None of this nonsense I already know. You will give me the information I need.”
“Fine.”
“Fine?” He’s going to give it to me without a fight?
“On the condition that you give me my freedom and my house back.”
Of course there’s a catch. There’s always a catch. He wants a bargain. “You know I can’t do that.”
“Why not? You pardoned me. Might as well set me free, like you should have done.”
“Why do you even want to stay in the city?” Everyone knows him here and now they realize what his job is, if they didn’t already.
“My reasons are my own.”
I hold in a huff. “We both know you’re going to wreak havoc in this country if I set you free. I can’t have that happening.”
“It’s your death.”
I clench my jaw. He’s right. I glance at Nash and Jaku. Neither is looking at me, both staring daggers at Daros. Too bad it doesn’t intimidate him in the least. I could take them out of the room and discuss it with them again, but I don’t want to. It’s clear it’s up to me and they’ll support me with what I decide, even if they don’t like it.
“Fine. You want your freedom and your house back?” Not that his house was left in very good condition. Another reason not to care if I give it to him. “You can have them, if you take a dozen guards with you wherever you go.”
“Not much freedom then, is it? Besides, you could have your Head Guard here stab me in the back as soon as we part ways.”
I try to act nonchalant, but if he doesn’t take it, I don’t know what I’ll do. “You’ll have to trust that we aren’t like you. Besides, it’ll mean more freedom than you have now.”
He purses his lips as the room turns silent. It’s so quiet. I can hear my own breathing, my stress, dripping from me. It’s not what I want, but then, none of this is. He says, “Three guards, in exchange for another piece of information.”
I don’t let my relief show on my face. Besides, he’s only offering a piece. I need the whole, but I have a feeling it’s going to take a lot of time and persistence to get it out of him, and more giving in to his demands. “Six. And when I summon you, there’s no delay in your coming,” I say.
“Done.”
That was too easy. What has he planned? I don’t trust him at all. At least with the guards, I can hope everything will go as I want. “Tell me what I need to know.”
“Not until I have what I want.”
“That may have worked last time, but it’s not going to work now. Tell me.”
“Let me out of the bands first.”
I clench my jaw. He’s right, I have to let him go, but I don’t wish to. I want to keep him locked up forever. We’re far past that alternative if we’re going to continue getting information out of him. I give Jaku the go ahead. He leans down next to Daros’s ear and whispers something I can’t hear before sawing through the ropes.
Once he’s free, Daros shakes out his arms and rubs them down, before standing and stre
tching. “You don’t know how good that feels.”
“Answers, Daros.” My words are crisp. “Now.”
It’s strange, looking at him when he’s so much thinner. Though we’ve been feeding him, it hasn’t been enough time for him to put the weight or the muscle back on. He saunters forward, but Nash darts out a hand and shoves him back by the shoulder.
Daros doesn’t glance his way. “You’ll need magic to defeat Androlla.”
I should have known, but it’s a shock. “Where do I get it?”
“I’m not sure it’s worth telling you without more of what I want.”
I glare him down. “And I don’t have to give you what you want, without something more to go on. How do I get magic?”
He taps his lip with one finger as he looks at me. Nash and Jaku are tense, their muscles bunched, poised to grab him the moment he missteps. Daros may be weakened, but so is Jaku from his shoulder wound. I’m not sure who’d have the upper hand if it came to a fight. Though Daros wouldn’t get far, with all the guards outside the room, and no other way of escaping.
When Daros speaks, his voice is deceivingly calm. “Practice simple spells to start with. A charm for good luck. A charm of protection.”
Both spells sound useful, but not like something I can use to defeat the First Queen. On the other hand, if it’s going to take magic to defeat her, I have a lot I need to learn. “How do I do that?”
“You are a simpleton.”
Puneah growls. Can she understand what we’re saying? Either way, I’m happy she’s on my side. “Tell me what I need to know.”
He rubs his nails against his shirt, as if he hasn’t a care in the world. “You’ll need an object to focus the magic on. A rock. A piece of jewelry. Clothing. Anything that doesn’t have life to it.”
“So no plants?”
“No plants or animals.”
“Fine, then what?”
“Let’s start with a spell for luck. Besides the object, you’ll need something green, rosemary, and a mirror. Grind up the first two ingredients on the mirror. While doing so chant ohma lo, then place the object you’re going to use on the mirror and rub the grindings into that object while saying the same phrase. When you get it right, the object will glow for a brief moment, and then it will be enchanted with luck.”
