by Tessa Murran
‘Don’t show you fear him and Ares won’t hurt you,’ said Duncan. He dismounted smoothly and secured his horse next to hers, coming towards her with a face like thunder. ‘I ask again Ailsa. What are you doing here, out alone?’ his voice was intimidating as if he were coldly interrogating one of his men.
‘I wanted to ride, to get some air.’
‘You ride well and that fat old horse is nimbler than he looks. I had trouble keeping up with you. Were you so desperate to flee Ailsa?’
‘I wasn’t fleeing, I just needed to escape Cailleach for a while.’
The sun went behind a cloud and the wind picked at her husband’s hair, caressing the shiny fur of his black pelt slung around his shoulders, flicking it this way and that like the caress of a lovers hands. His full mouth was set in a grim line and there were dark shadows under his eyes. A muscle was going in his cheek and Ailsa thought she had never seen such a handsome man or one so forbidding and braced herself for trouble.
Duncan was angry that she had put herself in danger by venturing so far from protection. He wanted to put her over his knee and give her a good thrashing or something else maybe.
She looked wild and captivating as if she had sprung from the heather and the hills around her. Her eyes had been brightened by the exertion of riding and shone like the day he had first met her. Her hair was adrift, tangled and twisted like seaweed strewn on a beach. Anger and embarrassment burned in her pink cheeks and that red dress barely contained her curves and gave her a wanton appearance, like a ripe plum ready to be plucked. He fought a strong urge to push her up against the oak and lift her skirts. With another woman maybe he could have but with this one there was more to lose. He had to be a better man than that.
With Rory’s words echoing in his head he stepped closer to her. ‘We will return to the castle together. Come.’
‘Wait, Duncan, I would speak with you.’
‘Later, let us return to the castle at once,’ he snarled turning to go.
‘Can it not be here, now?’ She grabbed his arm, forcing him to look at her. ‘There are so many prying eyes at the castle and people are always listening.’
Duncan did not want to talk but he faced her as she stammered out her apology.
‘Duncan...I…’ She bit her lip and cast her eyes downward at first then raised her chin defiantly, squared her shoulders and said, ‘I must beg your forgiveness.’
Duncan sensed where this was going but could not stop himself. ‘For what?’
‘For my behaviour on…on our wedding night.’ Her words came out in a rush and he turned his face away from her.
‘I want you to know that...I…whatever you may think of me…I did not…,’ her voice quavered and she had to take a deep breath. ‘I did not mean to offend you. You are my husband and it is my duty I know that. I should have let you do what you would and I should not have cried.’
‘Let me!’ exclaimed Duncan rounding on her.
Ailsa blundered on. ‘Yes, it is my duty. You have given me your protection, you have given that same protection to my clan and in return, I owe you obedience, in this matter at least. That is the deal we have struck is it not?’
Duncan was appalled. How was it possible that she could be this afraid of him, that she could think he would want to use her like that?
‘I will behave in the proper way next time,’ she said quietly.
‘So you will do your duty by me out of a sense of obligation Ailsa, grit your teeth while I take my pleasure of you, is that it?’
‘Yes, I suppose it is. I will be a good wife and do what you wish of me when we are… together.’ Her eyes slid away from his.
‘Do you think that is what I want, for you to obey me and follow orders, for you to apologise for my hurting you, for you to lie with me as a duty?’ He moved closer. ‘Do you think that will make me feel like a man Ailsa? That is not what I want.’ He looked into her eyes, so green, so beautiful. ‘That is not what I want at all.’
‘Then what do you want Duncan?’
‘I want to protect you.’
‘No you don’t.’
‘I seek to build something here at Cailleach not destroy, maybe one day you will see that. You may not believe me Aisla, but I admired your father a great deal. He was a man to look up to, strong, determined, and I see those same qualities in you. Why else would you stay to face down your enemies in the aftermath of your brother’s mistakes? I have seen you defend others but ask nothing for yourself and you stand your ground with me, not many people do that.’
‘I hope it is an uncomfortable experience for you.’
‘Aye, it is. What I am trying to say is that I admire you Ailsa, I think you are brave and lovely and wild and I will admit that I lie awake at night, wishing you were in my bed. But above all this, beyond my own desires, I would see you happy.’
‘Not above land and power and your precious heir I think.’
He sighed and pressed his lips into a hard line. ‘So, I have made my intentions clear and yet you choose to misread them. If all I wanted from you was to force you into my bed until I got an heir that could easily be accomplished,’ he said coming closer still. Ailsa stepped back and came up against the oak. ‘But that is not what I want and it would make me as miserable as it would make you.’
He tore a leaf from the tree and, looking down at the ground, he started picking it apart. ‘I know you must be frightened and feel alone in all this,’ he said, his voice gentle now and a frown creasing his brow. ‘I know that it is only pride that is keeping you going, pride that pushes me away when I try to protect you, pride that will not let you acknowledge that I could make you happy if you let me.’
‘You are wrong.’
He looked up. ‘I’m no fool Ailsa. I see you very clearly, better than you see yourself.’
Duncan came over to her and put one hand on her waist, keeping his body away from hers but just the lightest touch of his hand ignited such sensations in her that Ailsa could not pull away. Her mind insisted she push his hand from her and tell him he repulsed her but that would be a lie. Instead, her body danced to a very different tune and she became lost to anything but the rush of the river and the breath of the wind in the trees and the sunlight in his eyes turning them from dark brown to fiery amber.
He leaned into her slowly, hesitantly and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. When she did not move he continued downwards to her cheek and behind her ear which made her shiver. The way he was barely touching her, excited and frustrated her. She could sense the restraint in him and some reckless compulsion urged her to break it. Ailsa gasped as he pulled her dress off one shoulder and his head moved lower to kiss her there, causing goose bumps to sweep over every inch of exposed skin.
A traitorous desire took hold of her and spiralled out of control. She looked up into the sunlight winking through the bright canopy of leaves above her. Was this all it took, one touch of his mouth on her and all her good intentions, her vow to hate him, gone? She had to be true to who she was and she had to respect herself. She bit her lip hard trying to find the strength to push him away but lightning bolts of lust were streaking through every part of her.
To her dismay, he suddenly stepped back.
‘This is not right Ailsa,’ he said. ‘Forgive me.’
Duncan had pulled himself away from Ailsa reluctantly. He sensed her surrender was close and had seduced enough women to recognise it but that was not his aim. He had to be patient for a brief sating of lust would not give him what he craved. It would shame both of them and be a repeat of his wedding night, so he tried to master himself.
His manhood was steel from wanting her but instead, he reached up and pulled a stray leaf out of her hair. ‘Can’t have you arriving back at the castle looking like a maenad, people might think we have been up to no good’ he said, a smile dancing in his eyes.
‘You’ve made me your whore in return for my brother’s life, why not look like one too,’ she said bitterly, tugging her dress
back up.
‘You are no whore, you are my wife, albeit a reluctant one and whether you believe it or not, I am proud to call you by that name.’ He looked at her intently. ‘It is no disgrace Ailsa, to want a man to touch you, to enjoy it. Why do you punish yourself for it? You have a passionate nature and yet you deny it.’
‘You are wrong. I feel no passion when I am with you, I feel only contempt.’
He sighed. ‘That being the case I will not make love to you unless you beg me to.’
‘I will never do that. I already told you I would never want you and I meant it,’ she replied tartly, clinging on to the remnants of her pride.
‘Keep telling yourself that if it gives you comfort my beauty, recent events would suggest otherwise,’ and before she could protest he led her to Fingal and lifted her up onto his back.
In quiet contemplation and some confusion of feeling they rode back to the castle. When they arrived Duncan turned to her. ‘Do not leave the castle alone again Ailsa, it is not safe and I would have you safe,’ he said softly and with that, he was gone.
Ailsa ran into her chamber and slammed the door. She wrapped her arms tightly around herself and shivered in spite of the fire. If she gave in to him, allowed herself the indulgence of feeling something, of trusting him in any way, she would be consumed by him. But oh how he had made her feel, the soaring joy of it.
Even through the shame of his touching her, she saw the power of her own need. The hunger growing in her had to be resisted. She had resolved to bear her marriage as best she could and look to the future. Since losing everything what could possibly hurt her now? Nothing, save a budding infatuation so powerful it could bring all her resolve crashing down.
The object of that infatuation rode straight back out of the castle to the nearby loch. Impervious to the biting wind that swept across the water, Duncan tore off his clothes and plunged headlong into the icy black depths. ‘Gods be damned!’ he cursed as he surfaced, water dripping down his broad back from his slick black hair. Though the cold numbed his skin and put him to violent shivering it was next to useless in dampening down the flames of desire that licked at his body and mind. He was not sure if he had the self-control for this game he must play so he and the loch would have to become close acquaintances in the coming weeks if he was to win it.
Chapter Eleven
Several balmy days were to pass before Ailsa encountered Duncan again. Raids along the borderlands had been intensifying and he had set off to counter them with a band of his most hardened fighters. Rory had been left in charge and Ailsa came across him as she sought out her favourite place on the battlements, or perhaps he came across her, she never knew which it was.
‘How does this fine morning find you, my lady?’
‘I am well thank you, Rory. I must press you on something. I have a great deal of worry for the safety of the villagers with Duncan gone. Is Cailleach safe?’
‘As safe as can be expected, given the parlous state of the fortifications when we first arrived. We have built up the armoury and reinforced the ramparts and such.’
Ailsa looked away.
‘Forgive me Ailsa, I did not mean to insult either you or your family.’
‘No, you speak as you find. My father always kept the defences in good order but my brother…’
‘Is a different man entirely.’
‘Yes.’ Ailsa took a deep breath. Since his release, Robert had sent no word of his whereabouts; he had not enquired as to the well-being of his youngest sister. Buying his freedom from Dunslair’s dungeons by submitting to a forced marriage seemed to make her a traitor in his eyes for why else would her brother have abandoned her so completely? It cut her deeply that he had done so and it was a large part of the burden of misery she carried.
‘Forgive me,’ said Rory. ‘I spoke in haste. I am sure you have great affection for your brother in spite of his shortcomings.
‘Of course, I do and now I don’t even know where he is since he was released from the Campbell dungeons. There has been no word and now I doubt I shall ever see him again, Duncan would never allow it.’
‘Are you so sure of that?’
‘Aye, he hates Robert and now he has everything that once belonged to him, Duncan can do as he pleases with all of it. He can do as he pleases with me also.’
‘Forgive me. I do not mean to upset you but Ailsa, Duncan is my friend and I would not have you judge him quite so harshly.’
‘Of course, but then you have the luxury of not being married to him.’
‘I would have thought the marriage to have been an advantageous one for both of you.’
‘I was given no choice but to agree in order to secure the future of my clan.’
‘A noble sacrifice and I sincerely admire you for it. But perhaps you should make more of a study of your new husband and then you might see a future for yourself with him.’
‘You are his friend, of course you would stress Duncan’s virtues.’
‘Aye, though there are a great many faults and precious few virtues.’ He laughed heartily. ‘He can be a cold, ruthless bastard when he sets his mind to it. He is stubborn, vain, though he pretends not to be,’ Rory smiled. ‘He’s arrogant, impatient and has a vicious temper…well, I’m sure you’ve seen that for yourself. He tends to say whatever he wants without thought for the consequences, especially when he’s in his cups and we’ve had many a brawl because of it I can tell you. And women...och he’s a bit of a devil with women.’ Rory had Ailsa’s full attention now.
‘There’s many a lass set their cap at him over the years but none have ever been able to hold him. Do not mistake my meaning here Ailsa, he is never cruel to the lassies it’s just that he makes it plain he wants them but will not love them, makes no bones about it. They know from the start what he is prepared to give and he believes that is enough. Nevertheless, they throw themselves at him like moths to a flame and to no avail; their feelings get hurt and Duncan can never understand why as he has been honest and thinks that is enough.’
‘It would appear my marriage prospects are bleak at best then,’ said Ailsa, wary as to why Rory was talking to her like this. She liked him, his humour and kindness had made their mark, though as a Campbell she had cause not to trust him. Was he reassuring her or warning her?
‘He appears cold and harsh lass but it is the reason he has survived this long. But he is also wise, brave and would defend his men to the death without a moment’s hesitation or regret. He is an educated man, by his own efforts, as no one else ever took the trouble, and he has a natural cunning which makes him a formidable tactician. You wouldn’t want to be his enemy but if you are his ally, well, he has a way of inspiring you to follow him. He is generous to a fault and kind to those who need him to be with endless reservoirs of loyalty for those who deserve it. If you are ever fortunate enough to win his friendship Duncan will go to his death before he will ever forsake you.
Ailsa fell silent, struggling with this new opinion of Duncan and dismissing it.
Rory continued. ‘You know that underneath his raging anger, all the barking and fury, I believe he cares for you in a way that looks beyond your beauty and beyond lust. Ailsa, he is trying to protect you and I have never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you. I venture to say, as he probably never will, that he could even be in love with you.’
‘In love with me!’ she exclaimed. ‘He knows nothing of me and he certainly knows nothing of love, as you have just said, with all the broken-hearted women he leaves in his wake.’
‘He may not understand love – it has been a stranger to him most of his life and in this respect, he is in some ways broken. But just because he has not received affection does not mean he has no need of it, just like the rest of us.’
‘Are you telling me you need love Rory?’ said Ailsa, keen to turn the conversation away from her and Duncan.
‘Aye, eventually I hope to find my one true love and settle down. Until then I offer my eager services to the
village trollops and we please each other. There is much joy to be had from love Ailsa, but first, you have to let it in.’
‘The Campbells have taken everything from me and left me with no hope for the future. What joy is there in that?’
‘Come now, you have to admit that you are safer than you were last year, as is Clan MacLeod. You have the protection of a husband and soon children will follow. Your home is safe and comfortable. So yes, you have lost some things but you have gained others, you have not been left with nothing. My friend, on the other hand, started with less than nothing. Over the years I have watched Duncan drag himself out of the mire that was his birthright. I have watched him struggle to survive.’
‘On the battlefield?’
‘No that is not what I mean.’ In contrast to the summer sunshine, Rory’s face had darkened with his memories. ‘Duncan’s father, Fergus Campbell, was a cold-hearted devil who beat his wife and child mercilessly, always drunk, always looking for someone to bully. Eventually, his mother, Eithne, could stand it no more and she ran off with another man when he was but seven years old. I can understand her urge to flee what I cannot understand is how she could leave her bairn behind with Fergus. Perhaps she hated bearing his child or her lover did not want to be burdened with a brat. Alas with his mother no longer around to bully, Fergus turned the full force of his rage onto Duncan. He was the spit of Eithne you see so when he was beating Duncan it was almost as good as beating her.’
‘That is unforgivable,’ said Ailsa horrified.
‘Yes, but sadly it is the way of the world and that is not the worst of it. As his own father did not value him, indeed taking every opportunity to belittle and humiliate him before all, the other boys felt they had free reign to do the same. He was tormented mercilessly, always taking beatings and always covered in bruises.’
‘How did he survive?’
‘By growing bigger, cleverer and more vicious than any of them. Duncan found ways of hiding when his father was drunk and looking for a victim and as to the cruel lads, he never backed down from a fight, always stood his ground no matter what. They would beat him bloody but he would still drag himself to his feet somehow and fight on. That is why I would never want to face him in a fight today. It was a miracle he survived his childhood but mercifully his father died relatively young.’
