by Tessa Murran
‘Duncan I…I am sorry for our quarrel.’
‘I am sorry I left you in the hall last night, that was unkind of me and if I spoke harshly I am sorry for it, truly I am,’ he said turning to her. ‘I should have known this would be difficult for you, coming as a stranger amongst my people in such circumstances. I had hoped it would heal wounds but it would appear to have done the opposite.’
‘But these are your people and I should have acknowledged their loss too. I never let myself imagine your side of this fight or what it must have cost you for I was too busy hating you.’
‘And do you hate me now?’
‘Not so much as I did. I feel I have made that fairly obvious,’ she said blushing.
‘Aye, and I am glad of it but you are still hot and cold to me Ailsa. With you, the ground is constantly shifting under my feet.’
‘That is because I don’t really know who I should be any more Duncan.’
‘You are my wife.’
‘You know it is not as simple as that.’ They both fell silent again.
‘The friends you lost were they very dear to you?’ asked Ailsa sadly.
‘Yes, some I had known all my life and I grieve their loss. When you fight you think only of survival, you try to keep your men from harm, you concentrate on that. It is only afterwards that you count the cost, in fallen comrades and in your soul.’
‘What do you mean your soul?’
‘I told you once what it is to kill a man Ailsa. It eats away at you, the images of the dead and the dying, awful sights I pray you never to see. Then comes guilt that you cannot wash away no matter that you tell yourself it was all for the good of others, for family loyalty, that you have the right cause. And those feelings of remorse must be hidden for they are a weakness and those who follow you need you to be resolute and strong, they need you to lead and if you don’t more of them will die.’
‘So you never wanted this fight.’
‘No I did not but Ailsa, it was inevitable and when it was upon us this fight was mine to win or lose. And I know it is not over yet. Sometimes the things I have done in the name of my clan torment me. I feel that maybe I am a bad man and that God has turned his back on me.
‘I don’t think that Duncan,’ she said softly.
‘Ailsa, I wouldn’t blame you if you did. What have you seen of the world and men like me? You grew up in comfort and safety, shielded from harsher realities by a loving family.’
‘Yes but my father often talked to me about the world beyond Cailleach and its dangers.’
‘Hearing of it and living it are two very different things Ailsa. You had the benefit of indulgent parents who gave you the example of kindness and love. I had a family named blackened to infamy by a drunken lout of a father and then a childhood in the company of my uncle, who until his own son and heir died, resented the burden of me.’
‘But Hugh loves you in his way I think.’
He laughed. ‘He would die before he would ever admit to that.’
‘And your mother?’ asked Ailsa, treading lightly on dangerous ground.
‘She ran away from my father’s rage when I was a boy and never came back.’ He stood up abruptly and strode to the loch’s edge. Ailsa stayed silent and waited. For a long time, there was just the soft lapping of the water against the rocks before Duncan replied.
‘I watched every day for her return. I was sure of it. I loved her you see. But when the weeks turned into months something started to die in my heart, it hardened against her, not that she cared for I never saw her again.’ He came to sit beside her again.
‘I think…I think I lost something when I was young, something of love.’
‘There is nothing lost, that cannot be found again, Duncan.’
‘I am not complaining,’ he said briskly, slapping his palms down onto his knees, snapping out of his self- pity. ‘It made me strong in a way an easy life cannot and I learned a lesson from it. I never allow myself to look forward to anything, to become too comfortable with what I have in life, in case it is snatched away from me.’ He looked at her again and his face was full of longing. ‘I have that habit still.’
‘I know in some measure how that feels.’
‘I suppose you do.’
‘I was so foolish when I danced at Morag’s wedding with not a care in the world, never dreaming that a year later I would be here.’
‘I would have spared you all that pain if I could, instead, I am the one who has inflicted it.’
‘I don’t think that, not any more. You have protected us all since you rode into Cailleach and you have treated me well, all things considered. Do not be so harsh on yourself.’
‘Tell me true Ailsa, you do not have to be brave and conceal your feelings. Are you very unhappy with me?’
‘No, I am not unhappy, and if I am honest, I know you’ve tried to be kind to me.’
‘Yet you must still yearn for your old life. What about Robert?
‘I have heard nothing from him since his release and no word of his whereabouts nor has he enquired after my welfare. His indifference hurts me.’
‘Nevertheless, in your eyes, he is the rightful Laird and I am a usurper,’ Duncan said gently. ‘Surely you want him at the head of Clan MacLeod?’
‘I did think that way. I hated you Campbells and owed you no allegiance but you have proved to be a strong and compassionate laird. You have defended us against the Sinclairs constant raiding of our farms. You have rebuilt our defences and there has been peace the last few months. People are beginning to feel safe again and have been able to gather the harvest without it being stolen. They do not face starvation this winter as they did the last and if my brother is re-instated all that will be thrown into confusion.’
‘I’m sorry Ailsa.’
She shook her head and looked away. When she spoke again her voice sounded cold to her ears. ‘Robert forfeited the right to rule when he threw in his lot with the Sinclairs, he is their puppet, that is plain for all to see. If he is in charge that means the Sinclairs are in charge and we all suffer. I love my brother with all my heart,’ she said ‘but he is half the man my father was.’
Duncan put his arm around her shoulders. For a moment Ailsa leaned into him and put her head against his shoulder. It was a gesture of trust and he responded by pulling her tightly against him, shielding her from the wind gusting over the water. They sat peacefully for a while until Duncan broke the silence, bringing reality crashing back into their peace.
‘I am to leave tomorrow. I must make a tour of MacLeod lands.’
She sat up and frowned at him.
‘I intend to travel to remote areas where there is hardship, Shillinglaw and up to the Kirk of Lowis. I seek to ease the suffering in those places where the distance from Cailleach makes it most acute.’
‘That is good of you, may I come?’
‘That is not possible,’ he said firmly.
‘Why not? These people were loyal to my father, they will welcome me.’
‘No you cannot come for it is not safe and this good weather will not last. I would not see you suffer the hardship of sleeping out in the open with the men.’
‘But I don’t want to stay here without you,’ she said sadly.
‘I know and I am sorry for it. I will make amends when I get back I swear and you will be safe here.’
Duncan sounded sincere but there was a guarded look on his face. He did not want her to go but she was not sure why. She was strong enough to sleep out in the cold and besides, the face of Gordon MacLeod’s daughter would be a welcome sight in the highland villages and make his task easier. And how could she bear to be left at the mercy of strangers at Dunslair?
He must have seen the look on her face because he drew her gently to him and kissed her, pulling her into his warmth. She returned his kiss and felt a flash of almost unbearable affection for him as he grasped her waist in his hands and pressed her to his chest. Her hair was taken by the wind and blew around them as they
kissed out there on the loch to the sound of birds wheeling and cawing over the water and in that quiet moment, something shifted between them.
Duncan pulled breathlessly away.
‘I wish things were simpler between us Ailsa. I wish I could stay here forever kissing you but we should go before I do the wrong thing and I must see to arrangements with my uncle.
As they walked quietly back to the castle Ailsa recognised this moment as a crossroads in her life. She had once hated and feared Duncan but, by some strange alchemy, those feelings were being turned on their head. His honesty about his feelings had caused something to bloom in her heart. She stole a glance at him. How could a man so beautiful and fine belong to her? There was a lump in her throat when she looked at him, an urgent need to possess him, to make him want her as she wanted him. Boldly she slipped a slender hand into his and he gripped it tightly.
They fell silent as they approached the castle gates as if they both recognised for different reasons that reality was encroaching on their budding trust for each other. Suddenly Duncan turned to her, his face alive with some strong emotion.
‘Ailsa, may I come to you tonight?
Chapter Fifteen
Dusk saw Ailsa pacing her room agitatedly. What had she been thinking! To lie with Duncan in the heat of the moment, when he had seduced and enticed her, had been one thing but to plan to lie with him, to invite him to her bed! She had lost her mind and was so nervous she could not sit still. She had taken great care with her appearance and styled her hair extravagantly. She smoothed the skirts of the fine purple dress Duncan had given her trying to gather her thoughts.
She would bar her door. Yes if she locked the door he could not enter and she would not be forced to give in to her base desires. If he gained entry to her room then she knew she would let him do anything he wanted and she knew full well what he wanted. Oh, but she wanted it too.
She went to the looking glass to check her appearance. The smoky vision which stared back at her was that of a hussy, brazen with excitement and anticipation, a woman with no honour, no loyalty and no restraint. It was too wicked, she could not. She tore free her hair and let it fall but as she turned to the door to lock it, Duncan flung it open and came in, slamming it shut behind him.
He strode right into the room and regarded her with a look of molten desire and impatience. Ailsa faltered before that look. He could see into her soul with those dark eyes and she was sure he knew just how much she wanted him.
‘I came as soon as I could,’ he said exuberantly. My uncle, as usual, would not leave me be. He’s like a dog with a rat and once he gets hold of you he never lets go. I thought I would never escape him.’ He beamed at her. ‘You are so lovely. Come here.’
‘Duncan forgive me, I don’t think we should do this.’
His face fell and she moved to the door to get him to go, but as she opened it an inch he put his palm to it and slammed it shut. He caught hold of her from behind.
‘Ailsa, don’t be frightened of me,’ he breathed into her ear, his cheek pressed to hers, his arm snaked around her waist, strong as an iron bar. ‘Do you really want me to go?’
She squeezed her eyes tight together with the effort of doing the right thing, laying her head against the cold oak of the door to steady herself. Duncan swept her curtain of hair ever so gently over her shoulder and when he placed a warm kiss in the sweet spot where her neck met her shoulder her knees went soft under her.
‘No,’ she said in a small voice. ‘No I don’t want you to go.’
‘Good,’ he sighed, ‘for I don’t think I have the strength to leave you now even if you told me to.’ He continued to rain kisses down on her neck, warm pools of sensation blooming on her skin. ‘You look beautiful in that dress, now I’m afraid I must insist on taking it off you.’
He started to undo her bodice with amazing dexterity, slowly pulling the ties out by one, first one loop then another, on and on slowly until it loosened and he pushed the heavy fabric over her arms. It fell to the floor and her restraint along with it. She was giddy with anticipation now, feverish and breathless. Duncan lowered her shift from her shoulders, pulling it down so that she was naked from the waist up. He turned her to face him as his warm hand crept to the small of her back.
He looked so handsome and had a way of making her feel she was the most beautiful woman in the world. At that moment Ailsa was lost, there could only be surrender now. He could ask anything of her and she would do it just to have him. She thought she might faint with desire.
Her hands went to his rough face, then around his neck, fingers caressing his silky black hair, wild and unruly just like him. She pressed her mouth to the hollow of his throat, feeling the pulse quicken under her lips and down to the smooth black hair on his chest, breathing in the heady scent of him. His shirt was in the way so she tore it over his head and pressed her naked chest to his. Her greedy hands pulled at his belt and she all but tore his kilt from him as her fingers gently stroked him. Moaning with pleasure he pushed her up against the door.
‘Let’s to bed, my love, quickly’ he commanded and she followed.
They fell together onto the bed, face to face, gripping hard to each other in their need for release. There was no shyness between them now and no hesitation.
Duncan slowly pushed her skirts up, the cool silk was a slippery contrast to the warm velvety feel of her thighs, now parted and beckoning him inside her. He bunched the material in his hands and reached around to her bottom, tilting her up and towards his manhood, now swollen with desire. She wrapped her legs around him and pulled him close. They kissed each other hard in a tangle of her hair as it fell against his face in a perfumed cloud, shiny tendrils draping over her full breasts. His mouth went to her nipples which were hard pink buds of desire.
Ailsa delighted in the feel of his muscular chest pressed to hers, digging her fingers into the hard ropes of muscle on his back as they shifted under her hands. He was so powerful he could crush her in an instant if he wanted to but as she pulled him to her he was utterly and completely under her control, to do with as she pleased. She felt triumphant that she had the power to stir his rough-edged passions to the point where he did her bidding.
‘I want you. Please. I want you so much,’ she gasped.
Duncan’s heart soared to hear those words. She was lush and wanton and so, so lovely, her pale breasts and long legs an exquisite contrast to the purple of the dress. He wanted to give her pleasure, to bring her to ecstasy. He looked at her before proceeding and saw something in her eyes - it was absolute trust.
He pushed inside her causing her to gasp with pleasure. She began to surge against him so that he took her and she took him. Her legs wrapped around his waist, holding him right up against her, pulling him into her, pulling, releasing, so that every time she moved he plunged further and further into her, sending wave after wave of intense pleasure along the length of him.
Their eyes met and Duncan knew he was going to lose himself. He was her slave now as she teased and taunted him with her body, moving more and more slowly so that his body was crying out for hers. He would have done anything in that moment, promised anything so that she would not stop. She pressed her forehead to his and cried out.
‘Please, please...oh Duncan don’t stop…please.’ He had no intention of stopping and she tipped over the edge of her desire into an intense release, an ecstasy like no other, gasping and crying out, her small fists clutching at him as if it were almost beyond bearing. As she took her pleasure of him he could hold back no longer, plunging into her warm wetness, stiffening and exploding and melding his flesh with hers, so that they were one person, one feeling and one heart.
They held on to each other trembling with the aftermath of their pleasure, lost in each other. Duncan put his hand on her cheek.
‘Ailsa look at me.’ When she did her face was lit with a passion he had not seen before. ‘I am mad for you Ailsa. I think I am on my way to being totally and utterly in love w
ith you,’ he declared, his words coming out in a rush of feeling and with a dark intensity.
Her eyes widened and her lips parted as if to say something but he stopped her. ‘Do not worry Ailsa. I will not rush you into declaring something you do not feel.’
‘But Duncan I...’
He kissed her, as much to shut her up as anything. ‘We have plenty of time to sort through our affections for each other when I return,’ he lied effortlessly.
Time was what he did not have. He could be riding to his death tomorrow and he dearly wanted her to say she loved him but what if she could not? He wasn’t prepared to squander these last precious hours in an instant of regret. He had said it and that was enough. Now, if he did not return, at least she knew that he treasured her, that what they had just shared was, to him, something infinitely more valuable than lust. If it was not love on her part then he would rather go off not knowing it.
As she pushed her head into his neck he could smell the sweetness of her hair and feel her warm body, breathless and soft against him. So he clung to her as the light in the room faded and it grew dark.
Later he woke and for a long time sleep eluded him as his mind snarled with thoughts of what must be faced in the dawn. He snuggled up against Ailsa’s warm back as she slept in happy oblivion. Just the smell of her was enough to make him hard again so he woke her with gentle kisses on the neck and she turned and put her arms around him. He pulled her against him and entered her wordlessly. She was eager and as they reached a peak together she pushed her fingers into his hair. ‘
‘I love you Ailsa, I love you,’ he cried. She did not say it but he was past the point of caring. He mentally prepared himself to leave her and eventually he fell asleep tangled in her arms and swathes of purple silk.
Waking at dawn the next day Ailsa felt horribly tired. Duncan had been unrelenting, making love to her again in the night. He had taken her again quickly and she had wanted him to. It was as if by having her, he was somehow exorcising his demons and now he was moving about the room, quietly readying himself to leave. Ailsa dearly wished she was going with him.
