“I can see him,” said Guido, using the infrared scope on his assault rifle. “Spot is peering over the edge of the hotel roof.”
“Call him down,” suggested Corporal Williams. “If that doesn’t work, signal him with your flashlight.”
“He is too far away,” replied Guido, still flashing his light at Spot. “I can’t yell at him. The noise would attract too much attention. I say we let Wayne scale the side of the hotel to the roof.”
“That is not going to happen,” said the big spider legionnaire. Private Wayne had always been nervous around Spot. “Your pet would eat me.”
“Nonsense,” argued Guido. “Spot knows you. You’re a good spider, and his friend.”
“Whatever,” said Private Wayne. “He will think I am good to eat is all. It is dark. I am not taking the chance of mistaken identity while your psycho lizard is off on a feeding frenzy.”
“How about we check into the hotel?” asked Corporal Williams. “We can get a room on the top floor, and get to roof from there.”
“I like that,” said Guido. “But we aren’t exactly dressed like tourists.”
“Cash talks, bullshit walks,” said Private Wayne. “We will just walk in like we own the place.”
“Cash what?” asked Guido.
“I heard the expression on your human pestilence TV,” advised Private Wayne. “I thought it would help.”
“I like it,” said Guido. “I have lots of money on my card. It just might work.”
“If we give the hotel clerks big tips,” suggested Corporal Williams, “they will think we are high rollers. We can do this.”
“We will do it!” announced Guido, confidently.
* * * * *
They marched in through the front door of the Plaza with their noses held high. Everyone around them was dirt under their fingernails. Spiders fled at the sight of heavily armed legionnaires in battle garb.
“Do not shoot!” pleaded the spider hotel clerk. “Are we being invaded?”
“Don’t be stupid, you idiot,” Guido yelled loud enough for all waiting in the lobby to hear. They cut to the front of the line. “The ambassador needs a suite on the top floor. And tell room service the ambassador only drinks the best champagne. If you try to bring him cheap imitation shit again, I’ll have you strung up from the ceiling. You would not risk another intergalactic incident or war, would you?”
“Sir, I can assure you the Plaza only serves the finest beverages to its VIP guests,” said the spider hotel clerk. “You must be thinking of another hotel. We do not tolerate shoddy service here at the Plaza.”
“Perhaps,” said Guido, handing the clerk his card. “Put yourself down for a nice tip. I will hold you personally responsible if anyone annoys Ambassador Williams during his stay.”
“Sir, when will His Excellency arrive?” asked the night clerk.
“Any time,” said Guido, as he took the room pass key card. “He may be here now. For security reasons, I do not give out the ambassador’s itinerary to hotel clerks! Do not give out information about the ambassador’s movements to anyone, especially not to the press. The ambassador requires privacy and has been assured complete cooperation in this regard from the governor and your local marine commander.”
“Of course, sir,” said the clerk, clapping his claw for the bellhop. “May we help you with your luggage?”
“No!” said Private Wayne, drawing his large jagged combat knife and waving it at the approaching bellhop. “Keep your claws off our gear!”
“Of course,” said the clerk. “My mistake, sir.”
“Where is the casino?” asked Corporal Williams, looking about the lobby.
“Sir, the Plaza does not have a casino,” said the clerk. “We do have many other amenities, including room service, a pool, sauna, exercise workout room, lounge, and five-star restaurant.”
“What a dump!” exclaimed Corporal Williams, running his index finger along the counter top and finding dust. “If you spiders ever joined the civilized species of the galaxy and opened casinos, maybe more VIPs would stay at your hotels.”
“Yes, sir,” said the clerk. “We need a casino. I know where there is an ongoing card game down the street.”
“Maybe later,” said Corporal Williams, as they got on the elevator. “If it’s an honest game.”
Once upstairs in their suite, they laid out their gear. Guido inspected the windows, finding that they did not open. And there was no ledge. “We will have to blow a hole in the ceiling,” said Guido. “It’s the only safe way to the roof.”
“First let’s order meals and drinks,” said Corporal Williams. “I heard the clerk say we had room service. Do you think this hotel has hookers?”
“We are here to get Spot off the roof,” said Guido. “This is not a party!”
“Steaks will give us energy,” countered Corporal Williams. “I’m starving after spending days out in the brush.”
“We’ve only been out a few hours,” Guido insisted.
“The hotel has hookers?” asked Private Wayne, interrupting the conversation. The big spider legionnaire picked up the phone and pushed zero. When the clerk downstairs answered, Wayne said, “The ambassador wants hookers sent up with his steaks, medium rare!”
“Will that be spider or human pestilence hookers?” asked the night clerk. “There will be an extra charge for human pestilence hookers on this side of the MDL this late in the evening.”
“Both,” replied Private Wayne. “And make sure they are medically licensed and inspected. I am sick and tired of lichen growing on my exoskeleton.”
“Yes, sir,” said the night clerk. “Will there be anything more?”
“Yes,” said Private Wayne. “There is nothing to drink in the refrigerator. How do you expect the ambassador to conduct sensitive diplomatic negotiations without alcohol? Send up vodka as soon as possible – or else!”
Guido snatched the phone away from Private Wayne. “Send up a roll of duct tape,” ordered Guido.
“Sir, we do not allow our ladies to be duct-taped,” advised the night clerk, a bit annoyed.
“It’s not for them, you idiot!” said Guido. “I’ll use it on your mouth if you ever talk back to me like that again!”
“Yes, sir,” said the night clerk. “Duct tape. Right away, sir.”
“What do you need duct tape for?” asked Corporal Williams, as he turned on the TV.
“To tape grenades to the ceiling to blow a hole to the roof,” explained Guido. “Unlike some legionnaires here, I am focused on accomplishing our mission!”
Arthropodan World News Tonight was on TV. “In a late-breaking story, United States Galactic Federation Ambassador Williams arrived tonight at the New Gobi Plaza Hotel for face-to-face peace negotiations. As our viewers are well aware, there are still sporadic reports of skirmishes across the MDL. Just today a marine patrol came under heavy fire from the human pestilence side of the MDL after finding a breach in the border fence west of town.”
“The real ambassador is here?” asked Corporal Williams. “And his name is Williams, too?”
“Were you born that stupid, or did you get hit in the head?” asked Guido. “They’re talking about us!”
“Do they know we sent out for hookers?” asked Corporal Williams, uneasily. “What if my girlfriend finds out?”
“Your girlfriend watches Arthropodan Cable TV News?” asked Private Wayne.
“Probably,” said Corporal Williams. “I think she does. She is going to kill me.”
“Why is it taking so long for room service?” asked Private Wayne. “You are right. This place is a real dump.”
“What do we do now?” asked Corporal Williams. “What if the spider commander or the police show up?”
“I know what I am going to do,” said Private Wayne, picking up the phone. “I am going to complain to the manager about their slow room service.”
“After we blow a hole in the roof and rescue Spot, we will immediately get out of here,” said G
uido. “It’s a simple plan, but it will work.”
“Leave before the hookers and vodka arrive?” asked Private Wayne. “No way! I want my money’s worth.”
“We should just dig through the ceiling with our combat knives,” suggested Corporal Williams, poking at the ceiling. “It will make less noise.”
A short time later, the bellhop arrived with duct tape and vodka. Guido taped three grenades to the ceiling. Corporal Williams turned the volume up on the TV, hoping to cover up the sound of the explosions. Guido pulled the pins, and they took cover in the shower. The explosions punched a hole in the ceiling and started a small fire. Smoke and dust filled the air as debris dropped down. Corporal Williams called room service, requesting a fire extinguisher be brought up with the hookers.
Guido raised himself up through the hole and onto the roof. Spot was gone. Guido looked over the ledge down to the swimming pool. Spot was swimming circles in the water. He had a spider leg in his mouth that trailed blood as he swam.
“Spot!” Guido called out. “Up here!”
Spot looked up. He dropped the leg and raced straight up the side of the hotel façade and into Guido’s arms. In his exuberance, the happy dragon knocked Guido over, licking his face with his forked tongue. Guido led Spot down through the hole to their suite. The phone was ringing and someone was knocking at the door.
“Who is it?” asked Guido, peeking through the door eyehole. “Do you have our steaks yet?”
“Room service,” said the bellhop. “I have your fire extinguisher. Is everything all right? We heard an explosion.”
“Where are the hookers?” shouted Private Wayne.
“Who else is with you?” asked Guido.
“The hotel manager. Is everything satisfactory for His Excellency?” asked the hotel manager.
“No!” said Private Wayne as he opened the door and grabbed the fire extinguisher. “We want a new room. This one is a dump! It is totally unacceptable for the ambassador to stay in a dump like this. Are you purposely trying to provoke an intergalactic incident by putting us in the worst room in your hotel?”
“I am very sorry your room is unsatisfactory,” said the manager. “I will personally see to it you get a new suite.”
“I want two joined suites on the first floor,” said Guido.
“I am sorry, sir, but our suites do not interconnect,” said the manager.
“Just make sure the rooms are next to each other,” said Guido. “I’ll connect the suites myself. Seems like I have to do everything myself these days. Where are my steaks?”
“And where are the hookers and vodka?” asked Private Wayne, losing his patience. “How does the Plaza expect to stay in business with service this slow?”
The smoke detector went off. The fire was getting larger, and the smoke thicker. Guido slammed the door and sprayed the fire with powder from the fire extinguisher. The hotel manager knocked on the door again. Spot let out a growl. Guido opened the door again, this time keeping the chain hooked.
“What now?” asked Guido.
“Sir, I have to add a damage deposit to your bill for the dragon,” said the manager. “Normally we do not allow dragons on the hotel premises. I assume your dragon is here as part of security arrangements for the ambassador?”
“You assume right,” said Guido, slamming the door again.
The sprinkler system activated because the fire was still spreading. When the bellhop knocked on the door again to announce that their new suites were ready, the nervous legionnaires left quickly. The bellhop glanced inside as the legionnaires streamed out.
“The place is falling apart,” explained Guido. “I blame it on poor construction workmanship and your lax spider building codes.”
“Yes, sir,” said the bellhop, accepting a large tip and leading them downstairs to their new suites. He opened the doors. “Is there anything else I can do for you?”
“Yes,” said Guido, handing the bellhop more cash. “The ambassador likes to swim late at night, but has privacy concerns. Close the pool and make sure it gets a good cleaning first. Earlier when I inspected your pool, I saw some nasty floaters in the water.”
“Yes, sir,” said the bellhop, pocketing another tip. “I will personally look into it and close the pool. Anything else, sir?”
“Send some marijuana up with the vodka,” said Private Wayne. “Make sure it’s good stuff. I do not want stems and seeds like I got last time.”
“Sir, marijuana is illegal throughout the Empire,” said the bellhop. “We execute drug dealers. I believe marijuana is even illegal among your human pestilence associates.”
“Quite right,” said Private Wayne. “Sorry, I forgot. This conversation never happened. Are you wearing a wire? Give the fool another tip.”
Outside, a fire alarm claxon sounded, and the sirens of fire trucks could be heard getting closer. Soon there was a loud knock at the door.
“Who is it?” asked Guido.
“It had better be room service with hookers and booze,” warned Private Wayne.
“Intelligentsia State Security,” announced the team leader outside. “Open this door at once. I want to talk to the ambassador.”
“It’s the cops,” said Corporal Williams. “Don’t open the door! Act normal!”
“It’s about time you got here,” said Guido, speaking through the door. “I want around-the-clock security posted outside this suite, and armed roving patrols on the grounds.”
“Open the door!” ordered the Intelligentsia.
“Don’t let the pigs in!” warned Private Wayne.
“Make them read us our rights,” suggested Corporal Williams.
“The ambassador has retired for the evening,” advised Guido through the door. “Go away! He will talk to you tomorrow!”
“Open this door, or I will break it down!” threatened the Intelligentsia.
Private Wayne opened the door and shoved the Intelligentsia team leader back into the other officers. “How dare you attempt to interrupt the much-needed sleep of the ambassador! Others have been executed for less. What makes you so special?”
“Who are you?” asked the Intelligentsia team leader, eyeing the big spider suspiciously. “I thought only traitorous Green spiders joined the human pestilence Foreign Legion.”
“I am a special liaison to the ambassador,” said Private Wayne. “You will keep a civil tone to your hiss, or I will report you to the Governor of the North Territory. The governor is a personal friend of mine.”
“No harm was intended,” said the Intelligentsia team leader. “May I see your diplomatic credentials?”
“Credentials? We don’t need no stinking credentials,” said Private Wayne, slamming the door shut. He turned to the others and mumbled, “We might have a problem.”
“I am authorized to use force if you refuse to open this door and cooperate fully with my investigation,” said the Intelligentsia team leader, pounding on the door louder. “You will explain yourselves and the damage upstairs.”
“Your threats are not conducive to our diplomatic efforts,” said Guido, as he opened the door again. “As long as the ambassador is staying in this suite, these premises are elevated to embassy status. That means an invasion of this suite is considered the same as any other invasion of the MDL. The ambassador is not required to explain to the likes of you or any other spider flatfoot what occurs on United States Galactic Federation territory. Do I make myself clear?”
“No,” said the Intelligentsia team leader. “You blew a hole in the roof, the top of the hotel is on fire, and your dragon is suspected of eating tourists in the pool.”
“Tourists? What do I care of tourists?” asked Guido. “Do not bother us with your tedious local problems, again. The ambassador is here to negotiate a peace treaty and to avert an intergalactic nuclear war. Does the governor know you are here harassing us and disturbing the peace? Get the governor on the phone right now!”
“This is highly irregular,” said the Intelligentsia te
am leader meekly. “But in the interests of intergalactic peace, I guess some leeway can be given.”
Room service arrived with carts of booze, followed by a gaggle of hookers. Guido handed each officer a bottle of booze in appreciation of their cooperation. The paparazzi snapped off pictures as Guido waved and smiled for the press, and the entire diplomatic coup was filmed for Arthropodan Cable TV World News Tonight. Guido announced that Ambassador Williams would be available for a formal press conference in the morning.
* * * * *
The spider commander arrived with the press at noon the next day to meet with Ambassador Williams. Corporal Williams, wearing only a complimentary hotel bathrobe, greeted them at the door. The spider commander and his bodyguards barged into the suite, followed by the Intelligentsia Security Police, and a cable TV news crew.
“I am here to begin negotiations,” announced the spider commander. “You are His Excellency?”
“Yes,” said Corporal Williams, extending a hand to shake. “Please excuse my informal attire. I sent my laundry out, and my suits have not been returned. The service at this hotel is awful.”
“Finding good help in New Gobi is always difficult,” commiserated the spider commander. He vigorously shook Williams’ hand. “How shall we resolve our differences and avert another war?”
“The Legion will stop shooting if you stop shooting,” suggested Corporal Williams.
“Agreed,” said the spider commander, turning to face a cable TV camera. “See? It is not that hard to find common ground once you start talking face-to-face.”
“Great!” said Corporal Williams, rising from his chair. “Our work is done. I’m going home.”
“Wait!” said the spider commander. “There are other issues to be discussed.”
“There always are,” said Corporal Williams. “Minor details can be negotiated by our aides. They can write up a formal agreement for us to sign later.”
“No,” said the spider commander. “Some details cannot wait. Colonel Czerinski has repeatedly tried to assassinate me. I want something done about Czerinski.”
America's Galactic Foreign Legion - Book 4: Demilitarized Zone Page 9
