“You talk to the counselors?” I asked.
He drained the bottle. “Yeah, but they don’t want to hear what I wanted to talk about.”
“But with me . . .”
“You’re crazy. You understand.”
The silence outside was broken by a jet engine. We both flinched. No planes had flown over Manhattan since the ones that had smashed the towers on Tuesday morning.
Then I realized what it was. “The Air Force,” I said. “Making sure it’s safe for Mr. Bush’s visit.”
“Who’s Mags? Who’s Lord Geoff?”
So I told him a bit of what had gone on in that strange lost country, the 1960s, the naïveté that lead to meth and junk. I described the wonder of that unknown land, the three way union. “Our problem, I guess, was that instead of a real ménage, each member was obsessed with only one of the others.”
“OK,” he said. “You’re alive. Mags is alive. What happened to Geoff?”
“When things were breaking up, Geoff got caught in a drug sweep and was being hauled downtown in the back of a police van. He cut his wrists and bled to death in the dark before anyone noticed.”
This did for me, what speaking about the dead kids had maybe done for him. Each of us got to about what bothered him without having to think much about what the other said.
Friday 9/14
Friday morning two queens walked by with their little dogs as Marco and I came out the door of my building. One said, “There isn’t a fresh croissant in the entire Village. It’s like the Siege of Paris. We’ll all be reduced to eating rats.”
I murmured, “He’s getting a little ahead of the story. Maybe first he should think about having an English muffin.”
“Or eating his yappy dog,” said Marco.
At that moment, the authorities opened the East and West Villages, between Fourteenth and Houston Streets, to outside traffic. All the people whose cars had been stranded since Tuesday began to come into the neighborhood and drive them away. Delivery trucks started to appear on the narrow streets.
In the library, the huge TV screens showed the activity at Ground Zero, the preparations for the President’s visit. An elevator door opened and revealed a couple of refugee kids in their surplus gym clothes clasped in a passion clinch.
The computers around my information desk were still fully occupied but the tension level had fallen. There was even a question or two about books and databases. I tried repeatedly to call Mags. All I got was the chilling message on her answering machine.
In a staccato voice, it said, “This is Mags McConnell. There’s a hole in the city and I’ve turned this into a center for information about the victims Jennie Levine and Geoffrey Holbrun. Anyone with information concerning the whereabouts of these two young people, please speak after the beep.”
I left a few messages asking her to call. Then I called every half hour or so hoping she’d pick up. I phoned mutual friends. Some were absent or unavailable. A couple were nursing grief of their own. No one had seen her recently.
That evening in the growing dark, lights flickered in Washington Square. Candles were given out; candles were lighted with matches and Bics and wick to wick. Various priests, ministers, rabbis and shamans lead flower-bearing, candlelit congregations down the streets and into the park where they joined the gathering Vigil crowd.
Marco had come by with his friend Terry, a kind of elfin kid who’d also had to stay at the gym. We went to this 9/11 Vigil together. People addressed the crowd, gave impromptu elegies. There were prayers and a few songs. Then by instinct or some plan I hadn’t heard about, everyone started to move out of the park and flow in groups through the streets.
We paused at streetlamps that bore signs with pictures of pajama-clad families in suburban rec rooms on Christmas mornings. One face would be circled in red and there would be a message like, “This is James Bolton, husband of Susan, father of Jimmy, Anna and Sue, last seen leaving his home in Far Rockaway at 7:30 A.M. on 9/11.” This was followed by the name of the company, the floor of the Trade Center tower where he worked, phone and fax numbers, the email address and the words, “If you have any information about where he is, please contact us.”
At each sign someone would leave a lighted candle on a tin plate. Someone else would leave flowers.
The door of the little neighborhood Fire Rescue station was open, the truck and command car were gone. The place was manned by retired firefighters with faces like old Irish and Italian character actors. A big picture of a fireman who had died was hung up beside the door. He was young, maybe thirty. He and his wife, or maybe his girlfriend, smiled in front of a ski lodge. The picture was framed with children’s drawings of firemen and fire trucks and fires, with condolences and novena cards.
As we walked and the night progressed, the crowd got stretched out. We’d see clumps of candles ahead of us on the streets. It was on Great Jones Street and the Bowery that suddenly there was just the three of us and no traffic to speak of. When I turned to say maybe we should go home, I saw for a moment, a tall guy staggering down the street with his face purple and his eyes bulging out.
Then he was gone. Either Marco or Terry whispered, “Shit, he killed himself.” And none of us said anything more.
At some point in the evening, I had said Terry could spend the night in my apartment. He couldn’t take his eyes off Marco, though Marco seemed not to notice. On our way home, way east on Bleecker Street, outside a bar that had been old even when I’d hung out there as a kid, I saw the poster.
It was like a dozen others I’d seen that night. Except it was in old-time black and white and showed three kids with lots of hair and bad attitude: Mags and Geoffrey and me.
Geoff’s face was circled and under it was written “This is Geoffrey Holbrun, if you have seen him since Tuesday 9/11 please contact . . .” and Mags had left her name and numbers.
Even in the photo, I looked toward Geoffrey who looked towards Mags who looked towards me. I stared for just a moment before going on but I knew that Marco had noticed.
Saturday 9/15
My tiny apartment was a crowded mess Saturday morning. Every towel I owned was wet, every glass and mug was dirty. It smelled like a zoo. There were pizza crusts in the sink and a bag of beer cans at the front door. The night before, none of us had talked about the ghosts. Marco and Terry had seriously discussed whether they would be drafted or would enlist. The idea of them in the army did not make me feel any safer.
Saturday is a work day for me. Getting ready, I reminded myself that this would soon be over. The University had found all the refugee kids dorm rooms on campus.
Then the bell rang and a young lady with a nose ring and bright red ringlets of hair appeared. Eloise was another refugee, though a much better organized one. She had brought bagels and my guests’ laundry. Marco seemed delighted to see her.
That morning all the restaurants and bars, the tattoo shops and massage parlors were opening up. Even the Arab falafel shop owners had risked insults and death threats to ride the subways in from Queens and open their doors for business.
At the library, the huge screens in the lobby were being taken down. A couple of students were borrowing books. One or two even had in-depth reference questions for me. When I finally worked up the courage to call Mags, all I got was the same message as before.
Marco appeared dressed in his own clothes and clearly feeling better. He hugged me. “You were great to take me in.”
“It helped me even more,” I told him.
He paused then asked, “That was you on that poster last night wasn’t it? You and Mags and Geoffrey?” The kid was a bit uncanny.
When I nodded, he said, “thanks for talking about that.”
I was in a hurry when I went off duty Saturday evening. A friend had called and invited me to an impromptu “Survivors’ Party.” In the days of the French Revolution, The Terror, that’s what they called the soirees at which people danced and drank all night then went out at dawn to se
e which of their names were on the list of those to be guillotined.
On Sixth Avenue a bakery that had very special cupcakes with devastating frosting was open again. The Avenue was clogged with honking, creeping traffic. A huge chunk of Lower Manhattan had been declared open that afternoon and people were able to get the cars that had been stranded down there.
The bakery was across the street from a Catholic church. And that afternoon in that place, a wedding was being held. As I came out with my cupcakes, the bride and groom, not real young, not very glamorous, but obviously happy, came out the door and posed on the steps for pictures.
Traffic was at a standstill. People beeped “Here comes the bride,” leaned out their windows, applauded and cheered, all of us relieved to find this ordinary, normal thing taking place.
Then I saw her on the other side of Sixth Avenue. Mags was tramping along, staring straight ahead, a poster with a black and white photo hanging from a string around her neck. The crowd in front of the church parted for her. Mourners were sacred at that moment.
I yelled her name and started to cross the street. But the tie-up had eased, traffic started to flow. I tried to keep pace with her on my side of the street. I wanted to invite her to the party. The hosts knew her from way back. But the sidewalks on both sides were crowded. When I did get across Sixth, she was gone.
Aftermath
That night I came home from the party and found the place completely cleaned up with a thank you note on the fridge signed by all three kids. And I felt relieved but also lost.
The Survivor party was on the Lower East Side. On my way back, I had gone by the East Village, walked up to Tenth Street between B and C. People were out and about. Bars were doing business. But there was still almost no vehicle traffic and the block was very quiet.
The building where we three had lived in increasing squalor and tension thirty-five years before was refinished, gentrified. I stood across the street looking. Maybe I willed his appearance.
Geoff was there in the corner of my eye, his face dead white, staring up, unblinking, at the light in what had been our windows. I turned toward him and he disappeared. I looked aside and he was there again, so lost and alone, the arms of his jacket soaked in blood.
And I remembered us sitting around with the syringes and all of us making a pledge in blood to stick together as long as we lived. To which Geoff added, “And even after.” And I remembered how I had looked at him staring at Mags and knew she was looking at me. Three sides of a triangle.
The next day, Sunday, I went down to Mags’ building, wanting very badly to talk to her. I rang the bell again and again. There was no response. I rang the super’s apartment.
She was a neighborhood lady, a lesbian around my age. I asked her about Mags.
“She disappeared. Last time anybody saw her was Sunday 9/9. People in the building checked to make sure everyone was OK. No sign of her. I put a tape across her keyhole Wednesday. It’s still there.”
“I saw her just yesterday.”
“Yeah?” She looked skeptical. “Well there’s a World Trade Center list of potentially missing persons and her name’s on it. You need to talk to them.”
This sounded to me like the landlord trying to get rid of her. For the next week, I called Mags a couple of times a day. At some point the answering machine stopped coming on. I checked out her building regularly. No sign of her. I asked Angelina if she remembered the two of us having dinner in her place on Wednesday 9/12.
“I was too busy, staying busy so I wouldn’t scream. I remember you and I guess you were with somebody. But no, honey, I don’t remember.”
Then I asked Marco if he remembered the phone call. And he did but was much too involved by then with Terry and Eloise to be really interested.
Around that time, I saw the couple who had wanted to take their kids down to Ground Zero. They were walking up Sixth Avenue, the kids cranky and tired, the parents looking disappointed. Like the amusement park had turned out to be a rip-off.
Life closed in around me. A short story collection of mine was being published at that very inopportune moment and I needed to do some publicity work. I began seeing an old lover who’d come back to New York as a consultant for a company that had lost its offices and a big chunk of its staff when the north tower fell.
Mrs. Pirelli did not come home from the hospital, but went to live with her son in Connecticut. I made it a point to go by each of the Arab shops and listen to the owners say how awful they felt about what had happened and smile when they showed me pictures of their kids in Yankee caps and shirts.
It was the next weekend that I saw Mags again. The University had gotten permission for the students to go back to the downtown dorms and get their stuff out. Marco, Terry and Eloise came by the library and asked me to go with them. So I volunteered.
Around noon on Sunday 9/23 a couple of dozen kids and I piled into a University bus driven by Roger, a Jamaican guy who has worked for the University for as long as I have.
“The day before 9/11 these kids didn’t much want old farts keeping them company,” Roger had said to me. “Then they all wanted their daddy.” He led a convoy of jitneys and vans down the FDR drive, then through quiet Sunday streets and then past trucks and construction vehicles.
We stopped at a police checkpoint. A cop looked inside and waved us through.
At the dorm, another cop told the kids they had an hour to get what they could and get out. “Be ready to leave at a moment’s notice if we tell you to,” he said.
Roger and I as the senior members stayed with the vehicles. The air was filthy. Our eyes watered. A few hundred feet up the street, a cloud of smoke still hovered over the ruins of the World Trade Center. Piles of rubble smoldered. Between the pit and us, was a line of fire trucks and police cars with cherry tops flashing. Behind us the kids hurried out of the dorm carrying boxes. I made them write their names on their boxes and noted in which van the boxes got stowed. I was surprised, touched even, at the number of stuffed animals that were being rescued.
“Over the years we’ve done some weird things to earn our pensions,” I said to Roger.
“Like volunteering to come to the gates of hell?”
As he said that flames sprouted from the rubble. Police and firefighters shouted and began to fall back. A fire department chemical tanker turned around and the crew began unwinding hoses.
Among the uniforms, I saw a civilian, a middle-aged woman in a sweater and jeans and carrying a sign. Mags walked towards the flames. I wanted to run to her. I wanted to shout, “Stop her.” Then I realized that none of the cops and firefighters seemed aware of her even as she walked right past them.
As she did, I saw another figure, thin, pale, in a suede jacket and bell bottom pants. He held out his bloody hands and together they walked through the smoke and flames into the hole in the city.
“Was that them?” Marco had been standing beside me.
I turned to him. Terry was back by the bus watching Marco’s every move. Eloise was gazing at Terry.
“Be smarter than we were,” I said.
And Marco said, “Sure,” with all the confidence in the world.
When I was very young my parents and all their friends were theater people, actors. I spent the best parts of my great, misspent college career hanging around the drama department. I liked the slippery ways actors found their way into a part, saw kids who found a role that was a perfect fit and never quite got free of it. I was fascinated by the love/hate of the typecast actors for the parts that engulfed them.
Now I live on the corner of MacDougal and Bleecker Streets and many a morning I’ve come out my door to find a film being shot. The best moments are the ones when it’s supposed to be 1950 or 1930 and the last six or eight decades have been papered over. New York IS theater. The stage, the screen are just manifestations.
By the time I was invited to contribute to Ellen Datlow’s Urban Fantasy anthology Naked City, I had been typecast: in my case as a sl
ithery, noir type, and “On the Slide” was a natural vehicle.
ON THE SLIDE
Sean Quinlan caught the 6:30 wake up call almost before his cell phone began its first ring. He murmured, “Thanks,” glanced at Adrianne La Farice who wore only a soft, lovely smile and barely stirred in her sleep, thrust the phone aside, slipped from the bed in the pearly morning light, and padded quietly out of the room.
He wasn’t awake so much as in a place where the line between work and dreams had been erased. In the ample living room he flicked on the DVD player, keeping the sound way down. In the kitchen he started the coffee. Back in the living room he sat in his shorts on the arm of the couch and watched the opening scene in an episode of the old Naked City TV show.
Grainy black and white detectives in suits and hats chased a gunman over the roofs of early 1960’s New York. Sun through the apartment windows made the gray figures look like ghosts, and Quinlan liked that effect.
The gunman turned to fire and the detectives ducked behind a chimney. An actor playing a uniformed cop fell, shot. The fugitive fled down a fire escape with the two detectives firing after him.
Quinlan turned up the sound half a notch to catch the voice of the old character actor who played the hard-bitten police lieutenant in the series. “Wounded in the hunt, with the law on his trail, the fugitive returns to his final lair, his first home, the old neighborhood.” The trumpets playing the city-at-dawn theme music which mixed nicely with early rush hour street noise from Downtown Manhattan fifty years later.
The episode was set in a neighborhood of five story tenements that Quinlan didn’t quite recognize. It had probably been torn down and turned into high-rises. When coffee smells spread, he stood and discovered Adrianne in a floor length robe, with her eyes barely open, leaning in the doorway and watching him. Her smile was gone.
“More detectives,” she mumbled. “You never stop working, do you, Sean.”
“My granddad and his friends used to make fun of what they called ‘24 hour a day cops’—guys who were always on duty,” he said. “Now it’s like I’ve become one. Can I offer you some of your own coffee?”
If Angels Fight Page 5
