The idea was initially exciting to Cat. Seconds later, the pit of her stomach became a knot of cold, drenching fear. Yes, from what she knew of the rock strata of Colombia, earthquakes were always a hazard to a mine shaft sunk into the unstable earth. She broke into a sweat, focused on the fear that was now gobbling her up whole.
Slade frowned, noticing the sheen on Cat’s forehead. The color had drained from her cheeks and the excitement he had seen in her eyes had flickered and died. Automatically, he reached across to close his hand over hers. “What is it?” he coaxed.
A lump grew in her throat. “I’m scared, Slade.”
His fingers tightened. “Look at me, Cat. Come on now, listen carefully; the only way to conquer that fear is to face it. I know it’s not easy. And it won’t be pleasant. But I’ll be there, if that makes any difference to you.”
Oh, yes, that would make a difference, Cat wanted to blurt out. But the words were frozen in her aching throat.
Slade’s low-timbred voice moved through her.
“Cat, if I didn’t think this was best for you, I wouldn’t even suggest it. Aside from my wanting you to sink that shaft, you have to enter a mine somewhere in the world. I’d rather it be ours. I can be with you. I can help you cope with that fear.”
“I’ll think about it,” she whispered, taking her cold hands from his warm ones.
Slade measured Cat’s hesitancy, trying to ferret out the reason for her behavior. He had seen the glow of adventure in her face minutes before, the promise of another challenge to be reckoned with and tamed. And he had also seen the fear swallow up that glow like dark thunderclouds rolling threateningly across the horizon. He placed both elbows on the bar and hunkered down.
“Cat, I don’t have much time. While you’ve been recovering here the past six weeks, I’ve been in my office coordinating the leasing of heavy earth-moving equipment. Alvin’s down in Bogotà right now directing the effort.” Slade released a breath of air, his gaze moving over her pensive features. “You know as well as anyone what kind of effort it takes to get equipment, construction supplies and a host of other essential items into a jungle area.”
Cat nodded, biting her lower lip. As much as she wanted to ignore Slade’s persuasive words, she couldn’t. She could no longer tell herself she was immune to Slade on a personal level, either. “It’s tough any way you want to cut it,” she agreed.
Slade absently moved the pouch around on the polished surface of the bar. “We’re trying to be discreet about the movement of the equipment. If word gets out in Bogotà about our possible find, we’ll have hundreds of treasure-hungry guaqueros following us.” He snorted softly. “And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Once they know we’ve got something, all hell will break loose. We’re trying to keep a lid on it, but time’s short.”
Raising her chin, Cat met Slade’s sober blue gaze. “As much as I would like to help you, Slade, I don’t know if I can walk back into a mine. And I couldn’t stand outside a shaft that’s being built by laborers and not go inside to check their work.” She bowed her head. “I feel so humiliated. I’ve never admitted I was scared to anyone.”
“You’ve never been brought to your knees before, Cat,” he began quietly. “Most of us get the hell knocked out of us long before you took your turn. It’s not the end of the world, even though I know it looks like it to you. And as for having no guts or backbone, you’ve got more than most. The cave-in is going to show you how to reach down inside yourself and find a new wellspring of strength, Cat.”
She sniffed, tears rolling down her cheeks. “I’m empty, Slade. How can you draw on nothing?” she whispered painfully.
His smile was gentle as he leaned forward, kissing her closed eyes, tasting the saltiness of her tears. “Trust me, it’s there. And you can draw on it when you have to face walking into a shaft again.”
A sob broke from deep inside her, and Cat felt Slade’s hands slide from her face. She sat there all alone on the stool, hurting and feeling more alone than she ever had in all her life. She had thought she knew what loneliness was, but she hadn’t–not like this. When she felt Slade’s arms go around her, drawing her against the warm hardness of his body, Cat abandoned herself to his strength. She had none of her own left; she took what he offered her of his, instead.
Slade pressed a kiss to her hair, aware of the subtle fragrance of jasmine around her. He held Cat while she wept, rocking her as he would rock a hurt child, allowing her to release the pent-up anguish she had tried to ignore. He felt his own eyes mist, and shut them, resting his jaw lightly against Cat’s hair, murmuring words of comfort to her. The power of his emotions stunned even him; the protectiveness he felt toward Cat took him by surprise. He wanted to ease her hurt, absorb it so she could be cleansed of all the horror he knew stalked her twenty-four hours a day. Finally, her sobs lessened and Slade dug a handkerchief from his back pocket, lifted her chin and dried her face of tears.
Slade nudged stray wisps of damp hair from Cat’s cheek and temple, easing them behind her delicate ears. His mouth worked to hold back a barrage of feelings. “When I first met you, something happened. And I know you feel it, too. There’s a chemistry between us and I want a chance to explore that with you. Hell, we’re not kids anymore, Cat. The rose-colored glasses were taken away from us a long time ago. I’m putting you between a rock and a hard place and I know it. I won’t let you go, no matter how frightened you are of entering a mine. You can learn to trust me and lean on me. I won’t let you down.”
Cat let him hold her, unable to respond, yet desperate to believe him.
“I’ll help you get back on your feet in two ways,” Slade went on. “I’ll provide a mine to work in and I’ll be there to help you fight your fear.” Slade caressed her flaming red cheeks. “Together, we’re strong, Cat, and we both know that. Don’t run and hide from this.” Slade’s heart fell when he saw that Cat remained numb in his arms. What else could he do or say?
Cat’s eyes reflected the confusion she felt. Could her feelings for Slade heal this overwhelming fear of another cave-in?
Slade, feeling her slip away, groped to find something that would force her to stay. “If you can’t agree to do it for the reasons I’ve just laid out for you, then do it because you owe me. I saved your life and this is what I’m asking in return: I want you to build me a mine in Colombia. An even and fair trade for saving your life. What do you say?” Slade held his breath, watching the shock register on Cat’s face. He groaned inwardly. God, what had he done by blurting out the first thing that came to mind? Was he wrong to use her own sense of duty to blackmail her into conquering her fear?
Miserably, Cat looked away, far too uncertain of herself to deal with Slade’s overture. She had to escape that wall of pain, run and hide in the quiet confines of her room. “Let me go, Slade. I’ve got to rest…”
He took a step back, allowing his hands to slip from her shoulders. Slade felt Cat withdrawing her temporary trust from him. He had blown it by telling her she owed him. Suddenly, he was afraid. Would he be willing to lose her to make her whole again? As he stood there, Slade knew the answer: he cared enough to risk everything to make Cat whole.
“Go ahead,” he coaxed in a strained voice. “You’re tired and you’ve been through hell today. Just lie down and sleep on it, Cat.”
*
Sleep? How? Cat had walked to the sanctuary of her peaceful room, but despite the dizzying brilliance of the sun slanting through the trellis overhead, she felt as if she were again in the dark pit. Her conscience warred with her fear. Slade was right: she owed him. Then why had it hurt so much when he’d said it? Cat lay on her stomach, clutching the pillow between her arms, head buried in its goosedown folds. I’m a mess inside. I can’t think straight, I can’t get a hold on my emotions. Why can’t I just let my logic sort all this out?
She lay there for almost an hour, an internal battle waging between her malfunctioning mental faculties and the tumult of emotions that refused to be ig
nored any longer. Cat cried some more, terrible animal sounds torn from her soul. They were sounds she’d heard others make, but never her. Finally, her eyes red-rimmed and the pillow soaked, Cat fell into an exhausted, dreamless sleep, an empty vessel floating aimlessly on a sea of dark, turbulent emotions.
*
Slade was frowning heavily, holding a tumbler of whiskey between his hands, when Pilar padded into the living room. She hovered near the bar where he sat.
“Señor Slade?”
He barely looked up. “Yes?”
“The señorita, she weeps like a woman who has lost everything.” Pilar shrugged her delicate shoulders, then gave him a beseeching look. “I just passed her room on the way to the linen closet.”
Slade’s hands tightened around the heavy glass. “Thank you, Pilar.”
She hesitated, tilting her head. “You are not going to see if she needs help?”
His mouth worked into a thin line, holding back the emotions that threatened to overtake him. “No,” he said harshly, and then gave Pilar an apologetic look. He hadn’t meant to take his anger out on Pilar because of his own stupidity. “No,” he repeated more gently.
Pilar frowned, her huge brown eyes searching his for a long moment. “Si, Señor,” she said, then turned away, going back to the kitchen.
Slade swore under his breath, scraping the stool loudly against the cedar floor as he moved. He stalked through the room, going out to the porch. Continuing outdoors, he opened the screen, striding down the slight incline toward the small stream winding lazily through the cottonwoods. Slade finally came to a halt at the edge of the clear green water, staring angrily down at the sun-dappled surface. Throwing down the last of the whiskey, his knuckles whitened as he gripped the tumbler. The whiskey was hot, searing, like the pain he felt for Cat.
I should go to her; she needs me. No, that’s not true. If she needed me, she’d have stayed. She wouldn’t have run to her bedroom. Slade snorted violently, his blue eyes icy with anger aimed at himself. You blew it, Donovan. You dumb son of a bitch, why did you have to tell her she owed you? He raked his fingers through his hair, unable to contain his inner fury over his desperate action.
Miserably, Slade allowed the full weight of what he’d just done to Cat overtake him. I did it for her, he told himself. But his cartwheeling mind wasn’t sure. Confused and upset, he knew he needed some counsel. Kai Travis had always been his sounding board when he got into a bind. He needed her common sense, because he didn’t know how to untie the knot he’d just created between Cat and himself.
*
Kai met him at the sliding screen door as he walked up the steps.
“Slade? You look awful. What’s wrong?”
Self-consciously, Slade thrust his hands into the pockets of his jeans, looking down at Kai. “I’m sorry to ride over unannounced, Kai.”
She took him by the arm, leading him into the living room and to the couch. “Since when did you need an invitation? What’s going on? Is something wrong with Cat?”
He shrugged and sat down. “I really screwed up this afternoon with her, Kai.” He rubbed his face tiredly.
Kai sat on the small hassock in front of him. “Tell me what happened.”
The quiet tenor of Kai’s voice shook loose all his suppressed anxiety and worry. Slowly, Slade unwound the sordid chain of events. When he finished, Kai grimaced.
“I’m sorry, Slade. I didn’t mean to mention your mine to Cat. I had just assumed that you had already discussed the possibility of her working with you.” She reached over, apologetically squeezing his arm.
“It’s not your fault, Kai. Cat thought I had brought her to the ranch just to use her professional talents.”
“Does she still?”
“I took her on a picnic earlier today and we got that issue straightened out.” Slade shook his head. “And then I really blew it. I tried playing amateur psychologist by making her think she could repay me for saving her life by building the mine. How could I have been so stupid? Words were just pouring out of me. I was in such a panic, afraid that I was going to lose her. I didn’t want to, Kai, I spoke without thinking. It had a devastating effect on Cat. She’s probably still crying…”
With a sigh, Kai got up and went to the cabinet, pouring each of them a bit of brandy. She handed one snifter to Slade and sat back down. “Drink up, you need it.”
Sorrowfully, Slade downed the stinging brandy. He sucked air between his clenched teeth, holding the delicate crystal in his hands. Slowly, the knots began to dissolve in his gut as he sat with her in the intervening silence.
“She’s probably going to run,” he muttered.
“You mean, leave Mourning Dove?”
“Sure, wouldn’t you? Put yourself in Cat’s place. I’m barely able to get her to believe that I didn’t bring her to the ranch under false pretenses. And then I tell her she owes me.” Slade suddenly stood up, unable to stand the anger he was aiming at himself.
Kai watched him pace for several minutes. “What will you lose, Slade?”
He halted. “Cat.”
“You love her?”
“I didn’t realize that I did until a half hour ago. I had all these feelings about her, Kai. I never thought there was a woman who could tolerate my life-style, but I know she can. Cat’s just like me in many ways.”
“And does she love you, Slade?”
He ran his fingers through his hair in aggravation. “Who the hell knows?”
“I think she does,” Kai provided softly. “Slade, stop pacing for a minute and come and sit down.”
Slade sat, staring at Kai. “Sometimes, I see longing in her eyes and I hear the emotion in her voice, Kai. Every time we’re together, it’s so damned special.”
With a smile, Kai said, “I’ve been privileged to share a great deal with Cat since she’s been here, Slade. I know you’re very special to her, too.”
“Well, I just destroyed whatever was there.”
“Maybe, maybe not. Why don’t you go home and talk with her? Iron this out and tell her how you feel. Let her know that you really didn’t mean to make her feel guilty or hold her to building your mine. Tell her you were trying to make her address her fear.”
“I just thought that she’d want to face up to it. I saw it as a perfect solution to all of Cat’s problems.”
Gently, Kai reached over and patted his sloping shoulder. “That’s how you would have done it, Slade, if you’d been in her shoes. Let Cat tell you how she wants to handle her own healing process. Go on…go home and talk with her. I know it will do some good.”
Slade caught Kai’s hand, giving it a grateful squeeze. “We’ll have that talk,” he promised. “I’ve been wanting to make Cat a gift, anyway. Maybe, if I can persuade her to stay, I can get it done for her.”
Kai’s eyes twinkled. “Knowing how talented you are at making jewelry, I’m sure she’ll be pleased.”
“Better yet,” Slade said, hope in his voice as he rose, “let’s the four of us go to Houston in a couple of weeks. I can give it to Cat then. A sort of peace token for the way I’ve behaved.”
Walking with Slade to the porch, Kai waved to him as he left. “Houston sounds like a good idea. And don’t worry, your heart was in the right place, Slade. The words just came out wrong. Cat will forgive you.”
Throwing his leg over his horse, Slade managed a thin smile. “I hope you’re right, Kai. I’ll let you know. Think good thoughts for us, will you?”
“Always.”
Chapter Eight
Cat tried to repair the damage that her crying jag had done to her face. Slade had knocked at her door earlier, but she had refused to answer. She had to get a hold on herself before she faced him. She put color into her pale cheeks with a brush, and a rose-colored lipstick actually made her look almost normal. She winced, avoiding the look in her eyes as she combed her hair. She had taken a warm, cleansing shower and changed into some of her more practical clothes: a peach shell and a pair of no-nonsense
khaki pants. Now, she looked more like her old self, before the trauma of the cave-in. The only thing different was that her hair was longer, making her look more feminine. Cat didn’t want to cut her hair even though she knew she was going into the jungle again.
No, I want it to grow. I don’t care. And she didn’t question why she violently fought the idea of a haircut. Wasn’t that what Slade wanted? A mining engineer, not a feminine-looking woman? He’d made that very clear earlier. A life for a life. Okay, she owed him, and she’d pay up. Kincaids recognized that some things in life were sacred; you save a man’s life, he owes you. It was that simple. She shut her eyes, allowing the brush to lie on the vanity for long moments.
Cat tried to ignore the ache in her heart. Was she so mixed up after the trauma of the cave-in that she hadn’t read Slade accurately? She had thought she had seen and felt something special with him, but it had all been an act to maneuver her into going to Colombia with him. When she opened her eyes and warily stared at herself in the mirror, Cat could barely stand to look at the image that stood before her. There was hurt and pain in the depths of her emerald eyes, and anger. Yes, anger at being betrayed by Slade. He had deftly used her to get what he wanted–and he wanted a tough-minded mining engineer. Okay, he’d get it his way. She firmly placed the brush on the vanity, girding herself for the coming confrontation.
Cat allowed all the anger and hurt Slade had caused to rise and protect her. It gave her strength when she had none of her own to call on. Opening the door to her bedroom, Cat walked purposefully down the cedar hall to find Slade.
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