But given that she kept fidgeting with her fingers, and then toying with the fabric of her dress, I knew that blush wasn’t because she was suddenly shy, she was blushing because she was embarrassed.
“How is my nephew treating you?” Janna asked. It was the third question about Adam, and it was pretty apparent that she was still trying to find the courage to say what she wanted to tell me.
“Sometimes I wonder if he’s taking karate lessons in there,” I joked, to which she laughed.
“He kicks that hard?”
“He does.”
“Wait until you’re in your last eight weeks,” she sing-sang.
“Thank you for telling me something to look forward to,” I said with a straight face, and it made her giggle.
Shaking my head, I decided to help her. “So, how was your date?” I kept my smile on.
Janna’s eyes widened slightly for a second. She then looked down and bit her lip, toying once again with her clothes.
“Uh, it was, um, okay.”
“That’s good to hear,” I said, and after a pause, “Is there anything you wish to share, Janna?”
She looked up, embarrassed, and she just nodded.
“You can tell me, sweetie. We’re friends, aren’t we?”
“We are. Of course, we are,” she said, then gnawed on her lip again. “It’s just– I don’t know how to start.”
“It’s okay, I’m listening.”
“Th-the date I had with Yoseph, it was the first since we … uh, … well, you know.”
“Oh.”
“Well, it could be our very first official date since the day we met. Our meetings were …uh, always in hiding, I couldn’t call it a real date. I think.” Janna was still not able to keep eye contact with me, but when she did – I gave her a tight smile. How sad that her relationship with her husband was that way.
“How did it go?” I asked her in a quiet voice.
“I won’t lie to you. It was magical,” she smiled. “It was better than I had expected. Much better. We haven’t sat in the same room together for a long time. Until recently, it was just phone calls that contained lots of begging on his side and lots of mean words on my side. They always ended with me hanging up on him.”
I nodded to show her that I was listening.
“Mazen has been talking to me non-stop about hearing Yoseph out, about giving him a chance,” she said. “He told me it would make our father happy. And, uh, I think you know how Mazen can be convincing.” She smiled lightly, her eyes still shy.
“I think I have an idea,” I smiled back.
“So, I went on, and … I don’t even know, Marie. I’m exhausted, this whole thing is very exhausting to me.”
“I understand that. It’s a given. So much going on, so much to consider.”
She nodded, and after another moment of complete silence, she spoke again. “It was like I was seeing him for the first time. I saw why I fell in love with him. He’s caring and loving; he loves me. But it’s hard to consider getting back with him after what he did.”
“That was ages ago, Janna. You love him. It’s not impossible for you to forgive him.”
Janna’s eyes sparkled with tears. “I do love him, and for the past two years, I’ve been trying to convince myself that I would be better off without him. I thought of every bad thing about him to help my broken heart forget him, but …” she shook her head and stopped talking.
“But what?”
“When we spoke, it seemed like nothing had ever happened. I got lost in the love I had for him. I made sure not to show him how much he meant to me, but there was something I felt … like, I might be able to take him back.”
I smiled. “That’s wonderful, honey. You need to follow your heart.”
Janna shook her head. “I can’t. I don’t think I ever will.”
“What? Why not?” I asked with a frown on my face.
“I can’t build my happiness on your misery. I would never forgive myself.”
“Misery?” My eyebrows shot up near my hairline. “What are you talking about?”
“Uh, you know what I mean, Marie. Your marriage. Everything.”
“Silly Janna!” I said, moving on the couch to get closer to where she was sitting on the armchair placed next to it. “You really think I’m miserable?”
Janna didn’t reply, only continued to look down and bite her bottom lip.
“C’mon, Janna, look at me! I’m married to the most wonderful human being in the world. The most loving, the noblest, and the best of the best,” I told her. “I love him more than I love myself. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone. He’s always been so good to me, he’s never been mean to me, not once. I don’t know what my life would be like without him. So, what’s your point exactly?”
Janna watched me carefully. “But … you were forced.”
“It doesn’t matter, Janna,” I said. “It really doesn’t. I’m with Mazen now, by choice. There are many things about us that only he and I know. I promise you, I love being with Mazen. No part of our marriage feels, or is, forced.”
“You don’t know how much hearing you say that means to me, Marie. It means everything,” she said with a small smile, wiping her tears away. “But – what Yoseph did to you … I can’t accept the fact that he could be that cruel.”
“I get your point, but he did it for you. He wanted to save your life, and he couldn’t think of any other option.” I couldn’t believe I was making excuses for my brother. “He made a mistake, we all do. And he’s been punished enough. He couldn’t be with the girl he loves for almost two years now. His firstborn, his only child, he’s only spent time with her a handful of times. Don't you think that’s enough punishment? Don’t you think he’s already paid for his sins? For his mistake?”
My chest was swelling as I spoke, and I didn’t know that I was crying until I could feel the tears as they dripped over my chest, followed by new ones just seconds later.
I couldn’t understand where all of that had come from. Why wasn’t I considering those very same things myself? My brother had been punished enough. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t forgive him. Yet. It all made my heart ache.
“I, uh, I think he has … but...”
“There are no ‘buts’, honey. You need to think about it, and do what your heart wants you to do, what you see as best for you and for your daughter. There’s nothing else you should consider. As for me, I might as well thank him for introducing me to the love of my life.”
Janna didn’t say anything, just chuckled through her tears, a reflex of her confusion, and it made my chest swell even more. All of a sudden, Janna got up and hugged me tightly.
“I love you,” she whispered, and at that moment, I felt how small, how vulnerable, and how fragile this girl was.
I hugged her as tightly as I could, whispering that I loved her just as much. The feeling I had when I saw the spark returning to her teary eyes was sweetly indescribable.
That night, the joy in my heart was at its fullest. Janna and Joseph’s issues were on their way to being solved. My niece was getting her father back. And, my best friend was getting a child soon, something that she had craved for years and years, something that we’d all prayed for constantly.
My smile actually started to hurt. After I had dinner, I told Sameera to go to bed because I wouldn’t need anything else from her for the night. I wanted the rest of the night to be all for Mazen and me with no distractions.
Walking into my closet, I went to the area I’d forbidden my servants to touch: a corner at the far end where I kept all of my lingerie. I might have been a queen for quite some time now, but I still wasn’t comfortable with my servants pawing at my most personal stuff. That belonged only to Mazen and me.
No maid had ever touched them, not at all.
I’d never worn the same nightgown twice, so as soon as I was done with one, I told Donia to do whatever she wanted with it. I didn’t know if she gave them away or ke
pt them for herself. I didn’t care.
With Sameera, I didn’t even try. She was a good girl, but she was also slow. If I told her the same thing I’d told Donia, she might end up sending it to international TV and saying that I’d told her to do just that. So, for security reasons, since Donia left, I kept the used garments piled up in a large drawer.
The second I neared the corner where my lingerie was, I knew something was wrong. I had a strong feeling of unease, yet I couldn’t figure out what provoked it.
Once I opened the cabinet, I knew immediately that someone had gone through my things; they weren’t in the same order that I had put them in. I was pretty sure that it wasn’t Sameera.
Situations like this that put me on edge. Not about my safety, I was perfectly protected, perfectly safe. At least, I thought so. What scared me the most was the possibility I’d revert to my old self – the Marie who was constantly paranoid.
I didn’t want to be that person, not anymore. Never would.
To return to my old habits would jeopardize everything I had, everything that I loved dearly. It would diminish my position as Queen ― a position that I’d grown to love more each day because it had filled my need and passion for helping others.
Most importantly, it would jeopardize my life with Mazen among our people, simply because I would be fearful of everyone, even the closest relatives, and friends.
The pre-Mazen me had no place in my life now. I was better off without her, always would be.
But, when you have those niggling feelings of being watched, of someone trying to get to you, or when your confidential and personal possessions are disturbed, you can’t help but be scared, you can’t help the paranoia.
My first pregnancy was maliciously terminated, my horses were killed, and now my private drawers had been messed with. Was that enough to make me paranoid? I mean, even Mazen had thought I needed more protection.
Maybe I was right to be paranoid, but was a messed-up drawer of undies a good enough reason to voice my fears to him? Maybe. Maybe not.
At least I could investigate. Who knew? Maybe I was wrong and Sameera had gone through my things despite my strict orders.
Pushing the wing’s intercom button, I called, “Sameera, come here, please.”
The digital screen in her room would show her where I was, yet, she took what felt like a lifetime to reach the closet.
“Your Majesty?” she called.
“In here,” I replied, and she came right the next moment. It only took a second for me to be absolutely positive that I had been right all along. She hadn’t done it.
The first thing Sameera noticed was the open drawer. “Is that laundry? Do you need me to do it now? But you told me that I could go to bed!”
The ignorance as to why I was bringing her here and the fact that she thought what was in the drawers was laundry confirmed to me that it was the first time she’d seen those things. I hoped it was her, and now I was even more terrified.
After a long pause, I replied, “No, it’s not. You can go back to sleep.” I said, to which she responded by fleeing the closet without another word.
I shook my head. I was confounded, and I had no idea what to do.
My private drawers bore a unique lock. It was a design of a rose that you had to move in a specific way to get it unlocked. It wasn’t impossible to learn it, but it was challenging. I’d actually had a bit of a hard time getting used to it. That alone made me think it was unlikely a servant had opened it; it must’ve been someone who knew exactly what they were doing.
Only a few people had access to my whole wing: maids, female royal guards, and … royals.
My thoughts turned to my mother-in-law. But, the more I thought about it, I couldn’t find a good reason why she’d go through my things. What could she possibly need to find … or know?
Queen Mother Shams appeared to be genuinely happy about my pregnancy and cared a lot about Adam. I couldn’t imagine her trying to do me harm. At least, not as long as I was pregnant with her grandson.
I couldn’t imagine a person who helped me so much wish me trouble. It was just not credible.
It was one of the longest nights I’d ever spent. It didn’t help that Mazen called to apologize for being unable to come back home until the next day; an urgent meeting had suddenly come up, and he had to fly out to where it was.
Overthinking was making me nauseous, and it was exhausting. I actually fell asleep that night only to wake up to a nightmare where my mother-in-law stood by my bedside and watched me sleep with eyes filled with hate. It was so real that I doubted I was dreaming at all. But it was foolish of me to think that someone could hide inside our wing without our knowledge.
I was horribly mistaken.
The following day was awful. Well, at least for me. Thanks to my anxiety, I was unduly short-tempered with everyone.
I snapped at one of the palace managers for not getting something right at the speed of light and immediately regretted it. But, then I snapped again at another person just three minutes later. I absolutely hated it.
It wasn’t the lack of sleep that was driving me insane, it was the non-stop worrying that had me see shadows. Keeping my suspicions to myself was just too much.
The morning hours slowly crept by until noon; I was actually starting to think the clocks were broken.
When I’d finished a decent amount of work, I decided it might be best if I took a break. The second my back hit the leather sofa in my home office, I checked my phone for any communication from Mazen. Finding none, I was disappointed and hoped that he was too busy to not text or call, and nothing else.
I sent him an affectionate message anyway, asking him to call me whenever he could.
Relaxing on the sofa, I rubbed my stomach. The soothing circles that I was doing for my baby’s sake were actually soothing me. I found myself smiling slightly as I imagined what it would feel like to have him in my arms and cuddle him. Surely, it would be the best thing ever.
My thoughts about Adam were magically spiriting my worry away. I couldn’t wait to finally meet him.
Not a minute later, my phone went off, making me jump. I hoped it was Mazen finally calling to tell me that he was doing well and that he loved me, too. But it was Rosanna’s name which flashed on my screen.
“Hey, stranger!” I answered. I hadn’t seen her since the day before yesterday. She’d even sent some reports that she’d been working on to one of my private secretaries.
It was unlike her not to hand me the reports personally, but she needed her rest. In fact, I’d have preferred if she minimized her obligations until she was through with at least the first trimester of her pregnancy, but Rosanna was serious about her duties and executed them thoroughly. She’d told me more than one time that she knew what she could and could not do when I merely hinted about taking it easy.
“Hey you,” her voice was a bit lower than usual. I knew immediately that something was off. “What’s up?”
“I don’t know. You tell me.” I replied, hearing her sigh.
“There’s something I need to vent to you about. Are you on a break?”
“I am. Would you like to come over?” I asked, then I thought maybe taking the short walk to her wing would benefit me, so before she replied, I asked another question. “Is Prince Fahd around?” I didn’t know if he had any meetings today.
“Um, no. He’s with His Majesty. You didn’t know?”
I frowned. It was the first time that both of them were at the same meeting without being scheduled. Normally, even if a meeting was urgent, only one of them went.
What the heck was going on?
“No, I didn’t. What is that meeting all about?”
“No clue,” she said, and then she went quiet for a long moment.
I cut the silence with, “So … okay, then. I’m coming over. Is that okay?”
“Silly.” I heard the soft giggle on her lips. “Hurry up, I miss you.”
Opening the secret door
to her living room, I spotted Rosanna right away, waiting for me by the door. She greeted me with a hug, and I offered her a small smile. That was the best I could manage with how stressed I was feeling and everything that was running through my mind.
“Uh-oh!” she voiced. “I think you’re the one who needs to tell me stuff.”
I blew out a long breath. “I don’t even want to talk about it. I’m too overwhelmed to put what I feel into words,” I said, shaking my head.
“That bad?”
“I don’t know, Rosanna. I really don’t.”
“Come, sit down,” she said. “I bet you’re just not feeling well because you’ve missed me so much,” she joked.
“Oh, Your Humble Highness!” I said, sitting down on an armchair. “This might be the real reason behind my worries.”
“I know exactly what will make you feel better,” she said, and then went towards the back of the huge room. I sank back comfortably on the chair and rested my head, closing my eyes for a second in an attempt to reach some much-needed peace of mind. Although, it seemed like the impossible dream.
“Here.”
When I opened my eyes, Rosanna was holding a big glass of juice. “This will help with your mood.”
My eyes widened. It was the first time someone other than my mother-in-law had offered me a drink in what felt like centuries. “What’s that?” I asked, not taking it from her hand.
“Just drink it, I’ll tell you later.” She had the widest smile on her face.
“I … uh…” I didn’t know what to say. I felt sick to my stomach, and I didn’t know what was happening to me. I was frightened all of a sudden, and a million awful thoughts started haunting me at the sight of the juice.
“Ugh! It’s papaya juice with some additions! I promise you’ll like it.” She shook the glass slightly and brought it even closer to me – and that was my breaking point.
I stood up as if the chair had burned me, almost knocking the glass out of her hand. “Why do you want me to drink it so bad? What’s really in that drink?” I barked, my own voice, my own words shocking me.
Golden Chains (The Colorblind Trilogy Book 3) Page 18
