‘Explain to him that we don’t do things, Stibbons,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. ‘We are academics.’
‘Interestin’ idea, though,’ said Ridcully, winking at Ponder. ‘What do you do, Senior Wrangler?’
A hunted look crossed the Senior Wrangler’s face. ‘Well, er,’ he said, clearing his throat. ‘The post of Senior Wrangler at Unseen University is, most unusually—’
‘Yes, but what do you do? And have you been doing more of it in the past six months than in the previous six?’
‘Well, if we’re asking that kind of question, Archchancellor, what do you do?’ said the Dean, testily.
‘I administer, Dean,’ said Ridcully, calmly.
‘Then we must be doing something, otherwise you’d have nothing to administrate.’
‘That comment strikes at the very heart of the bureaucratic principle, Dean, and I shall ignore it.’
‘You see, Mr Pessimal wonders why we don’t publish the results of, er, whatever it is we do,’ said Ponder.
‘Publish?’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.
‘Results?’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.
‘Ook?’ said the Librarian.
‘Brazeneck College publishes its Journal of Irreducible Research four times a year now,’ said Ponder meekly.
‘Yes. Six copies,’ said Ridcully.
‘No wizard worth his salt tells other wizards what he’s up to!’ snapped the Lecturer in Recent Runes. ‘Besides, how can you measure thinking? You can count the tables a carpenter makes, but what kind of rule could measure the amount of thought necessary to define the essence of tableosity?’
‘Exactly!’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. ‘I myself have been working on my Theory of Anything for fifteen years! The amount of thought that has gone into it is astonishing! Those six-seven pages have been hard won, I can tell you!’
‘And I’ve seen some of those Brazeneck papers,’ said Ridcully. ‘They’ve got titles like “Diothumatic Aspects of Cheese in Mice”, or possibly it was Mice in Cheese. Or maybe Chess.’
‘And what was it about?’ said the Dean.
‘Oh, I don’t think it was for reading. It was for having written,’ said the Archchancellor. ‘Anyway, no one knows what Diothumics is, except that it’s probably magic with the crusts cut off.’
‘Er … nevertheless, Mr Pessimal does point out that Brazeneck is attracting students, to the general benefit of the city,’ said Ponder. ‘In fact he suggests that we ourselves might even consider, er, advertising for students.’ He paused, because of the sudden frigid quality of the atmosphere, and plunged on: ‘In order to attract young men, in fact, who would not normally consider wizarding as a profession. He notes that Brazeneck gives all new students a free crystal ball and a voucher for a free frog or frog-like creature.’
‘Make ourselves attractive to students?’ said the Archchancellor. ‘Mister Stibbons, the whole Idea of a university is that it should be hard to get into. Remember Dean Rouster? He used to set traps to stop students attending his lectures! “I’ll tap talent from all backgrounds”, he used to say, “but a lad who can’t spot a tripwire is no good to me!” He reckoned any student who didn’t open a door very carefully and look where he’s putting his feet would only be a burden to the profession. You see, trying to be nice to students means you end up with courses like Comparative Fretwork and graduates who think “thank you” is one word and can look at a sign sayin’ “Human Resources Department” without detecting a whiff of brimstone.’
‘I have to tell you, sir, that Mr Pessimal is suggesting that we accept an intake of forty per cent non-traditional students,’ said Ponder Stibbons.
‘What does that mean?’ said the Senior Wrangler.
‘Well, er …’ Ponder began, but the council had already resorted to definition-by-hubbub.
‘We take in all sorts as it is,’ said the Dean.
‘Does he mean people who are not traditionally good at magic?’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.
‘Ridiculous!’ said the Dean. ‘Forty per cent duffers?’
‘Exactly!’ said the Archchancellor. ‘That means we’d have to find enough clever people to make up over half the student intake! We’d never manage it. If they were clever already, they wouldn’t need to go to university! No, we’ll stick to an intake of one hundred per cent young fools, thank you. Bring ’em in stupid, send them away clever, that’s the UU way!’
‘Some of them arrive thinking they’re clever, of course,’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.
‘Yes, but we soon disabuse them of that,’ said the Dean happily. ‘What is a university for if it isn’t to tell you that everything you think you know is wrong?’
‘Well put, that man!’ said Ridcully. ‘Ignorance is the key! That’s how the Dean got where he is today!’
‘Thank you, Archchancellor,’ said the Dean. ‘I shall take that as a compliment. Carefully directed ignorance is the key to all knowledge.’
‘I think the inspector means people who by accident of birth, upbringing, background or early education would not meet the usual entrance requirements,’ said Ponder, quickly.
‘Really? Good idea,’ said Ridcully. ‘And are we to take it that for his part he intends to make a point of hiring clerks who aren’t very good at sums and file everything under “S” for “stuff “?’
‘He doesn’t appear to say so—’
‘How strange. But, you see, we’re a university, Mr Stibbons, not a bandage. We can’t just wave a magic wand and make everything better!’
‘Actually, sir—’
Ridcully waved a hand irritably. ‘Yes, yes, all right, I know. We can just wave a magic wand and make everything better. Except, of course, that making everything better by magic only makes things much, much worse!’
‘Interestingly, he does ask if we have an ethics committee,’ said Ponder.
‘Ah, a committee,’ said Ridcully. ‘Just so. Well, gentlemen, I think I can gauge the sense of the meeting. I propose that we inform the inspector that we are giving his suggestions our urgent consideration. Put it on the agenda for this time next year, Mr Stibbons. No, perhaps the year after next. You can’t hurry urgency, I’ve always said so.’
MINUTES OF THE MEETING TO FORM THE PROPOSED ANKH-MORPORK FEDERATION OF SCOUTS
AUGUST 2007
This is, I think, what used to be called in Victorian times a ‘Squib’, and it was written for one of the events put on by Bernard Pearson (also known as the Cunning Artificer), who has his shop in Wincanton, Somerset: to ring the changes he organized a mock jamboree in the playing fields of that fine town in August 2007.
In his opening remarks, Captain Carrot referred to the current problem of delinquency of young people in the city, which has recently been the subject of many articles in the Times.
Miss Partleigh interjected that this was because there was nothing for them to do.
Lord Vetinari observed that in fact there was a vast range of things for them to do, running from petty theft to armed gang warfare, and that therefore the question was one of finding something for them to do that, if at all possible, did not actually involve the death of innocent, or presumably innocent, bystanders.
Mr John Smith said that perhaps there could be something involving hats. In his experience, hats had a remarkable stabilizing effect.
Captain Carrot opined that much of the trouble, even now, was the rivalry between troll and dwarf gangs, although there was some welcome evolution in that now some trolls were joining dwarf gangs and vice versa.
Mr Boggis vouchsafed that some effort should be made to teach newcomers to the city the Ankh-Morpork way of doing things.
Lord Vetinari observed that surely the problem was they had gleefully picked up the Ankh-Morpork way of doing things and were doing these things very enthusiastically.
Captain Carrot told the meeting that Sergeant Detritus had put forward an idea based on the ancient Troll tradition Haruga which rou
ghly translated as ‘Scouts’. These were young male trolls who acted as trackers and lookout men for older warriors. It was, he said, a morale-building opportunity and he had wondered if it could be adapted to this problem.
Mr Boggis said that this very much sounded like the street urchins who worked for his guild, and was a promising idea.
Captain Carrot said the object of the exercise should be to give young people of all shapes and sizes an opportunity to meet together in the absence of heavy weaponry.
Lord Vetinari observed that then what did he propose that they do?
Crysophrase said that he was a scout when he was nothing more than a little lad and it made a troll of him. As he recalled, they spent their time learning tracking and tying knots.
Mr Boggis asked what it was the trolls tracked.
Crysophrase vouchsafed that they tracked dwarfs.
Mr Boggis then enquired what they tied knots in.
Crysophrase said dwarfs.
Lord Vetinari observed that this was probably a good start, but could do with some tweaking of the fine detail. Certainly some activities for some small symbolic rewards might give young people more of a sense of achievement than is engendered by jumping up and down on somebody else’s head.
Miss Band pointed out that young Assassins, by the very fact of their job description, did occasionally have to indulge in activities not far removed from that very thing.
Lord Vetinari observed that they will not be allowed to do this while in the scout hut.
Grag Bashfulsson commented it would be very useful if the organization could promote some moral values to its members, or at the very least, explain to them what these were. It would be nice if the young people could be clean in thought, word and deed.
Sergeant Detritus said that this had been an important part of the troll scouts in order to stop them playing with their clubs all day.
Miss Partleigh said the social background of many of the potential members makes it very difficult for some of them to be clean.
Lord Vetinari observed that this was fine, just so long as they weren’t killing people. Personally, he would be happy to accept cleanliness in deed. They could say and think whatever they wanted. He was prepared to put the backing of the city behind this proposal and looked forward to seeing improvement in the behaviour of young males of all species.
Miss Partleigh asked: what about the girls?
Sergeant Detritus said that girls were strictly not allowed, on account of causing a lack of cleanliness in thought, word and deed.
Grag Bashfulsson pointed out that many modern female dwarfs would wish to be recognized as girls.
Captain Carrot said there was no reason, surely, why a similar organization could not be set up for young women. Obviously given the nature of the dwarf approach to apparent sexual orientation, any dwarf could join either the boy scouts or girl scouts but not keep changing from one to the other. He was certain that people from the guilds and other responsible citizens would be happy to donate their time in setting these young people on the proper path. He would be prepared, along with Sergeant Angua, to teach woodcraft and wilderness survival.
Mr Boggis said that surviving in a wilderness was a piece of cake compared to five minutes in an alleyway in Ankh-Morpork, so he for his part would see that young people could also learn how to get down to the shops with all their teeth intact.
At this point there was considerable discussion among the committee about activities that could be arranged, and it was agreed to hold, during the summer, an open-air meeting to launch the Ankh-Morpork Scouting and possibly Urban Survival Federation.
THE ANKH-MORPORK FOOTBALL ASSOCIATION HALL OF FAME PLAYING CARDS
FAMOUS FOOTBALLERS OF ANKH-MORPORK, SEPTEMBER 2009
Another squib! This time it was to celebrate the launch of Unseen Academicals: various teams of Discworld fans and locals battled it out on the playing fields of Wincanton, and, as I recall, some of the ladies were somewhat dishevelled, which amazingly enough didn’t interfere with the game. Of course I had to come up with the funny names.
Unseen Academicals
[ 1 ] Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully DThau, DM, DS, DMn, DG, DD, DCL, DMPhil, DMS, DCM, DW, BElL
Sometimes attempts to shout the ball at the enemy opposition. Mustrum Ridcully’s preferred technique, however, is to kick the ball at full force at the nearest attacker and collect it again on the rebound as his opponent curls up on the ground. This has caused a number of problems for opposing players until they found a use that could be made of a common metal soup plate, two holes and a length of string.
[69] Professor Bengo Macarona DThau (Bug), DMaus (Chubb), Magistaludorum (QIS), Octavium (Hons), PHGK (Blit), DMSK, Mack, DThou (Bra), Visiting Professor in Chickens (Jahn the Conqueror University (Floor 2, Shrimp Packers Building, Genua)), Primo Octo (Deux), Visiting Professor of Blit/Slood Exchanges (Al Khali), KCbfJ, Reciprocating Professor of Blit Theory (Unki), DThau (Unki), Didimus Supremuis (Unki), Emeritus Professor in Blit Substrate Determinations (Chubb), Chair of Blit and Music Studies (Quirm College for Young Ladies)
A highly skilled player from Genua, well known for having many different approaches to the task in hand. Excellent striker, with a regrettable tendency to handle the ball when excited.
[ 7b ] Professor Rincewind Egregious Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography (UU), Chair of Experimental Serendipity (UU), Reader in Slood Dynamics (UU), Chair for the Public Misunderstanding of Magic (UU), Chair of Approximate Accuracy (UU)
Rincewind is possibly the fastest man on any field. Unfortunately, he frequently forgets to take the ball with him. Interestingly, the verve with which he speeds away clouds the perception of his opponents who find it difficult to believe that the ball is actually behind them now and is heading in the opposite direction.
[1.618 ] Dr Ponder Stibbons HEM (UU), DThau (UU), Reader in Non-Volatile Intelligence (UU), Cantoride Speaker in Slood Refurgance (UU)
Player / Coach. Used to lose his glasses early in the match and now has them taped to his head. Tactical thinker, some of the time. One of his boots flies off for no known reason.
[ 9 ] Gryffid Tabernacle Evans (Evans the Striped)
The only player in the UU squad who is officially dead. He is, in fact, all that remains of the last UU sports master whose ghost hangs on in the enormous brass whistle that was all he left behind. Regrettably, people sometimes forget that blowing the whistle will cause them to be temporarily overwhelmed by the spirit of the late Evans who will then send everyone on a long cross-country run in their underwear for forgetting their sports kit.
[ 8 ] Dr J. Hicks or Hix Professor in Unspeakable Dark Arts Post Mortem Communications (UU), DThau, Impissimus Holder of the Silver Skull (3rd Class)
Under university statute is allowed, expected and required to foul. After all, there is no point in being the official bad person if you play by the rules. The only player who is prepared to wear the number eight. Will occasionally leave free tickets to his notorious amateur dramatic presentations in order to demoralize the opposition.
[ 1 ] The Librarian DThau, Professor of L-space Studies
A second number one (because he sulked). Born to defend the goal, since he can swing from the posts and very nearly reach the total width of the goal while standing in the middle.
[ 10 ] Alf Nobbs (No Relation) One Year Long Service Bledlow Medal (UU), Five Year Long Service Bledlow Medal (UU), Ten Year Long Service Bledlow Medal (UU)
A good all-round player, whose talents have been honed by chasing generations of students after the pubs have shut. Feels he has a mission in life to restore the good name of the Nobbs clan. Wears enormously large and heavy boots. People have learned to flee at the sound.
[ 206 ] Charlie (No other name known)
Hasn’t yet taken the field for UU since the Football Association of Ankh-Morpork is divided on the eligibility of a walking skeleton. Nevertheless he turns up to training and as Dr Hicks points out, is very good for anatomic
al practice and carries the magic sponge.
[ 4 ] Trevor Likely (Education unknown)
Not formally a team member, although has played once for UU. The most highly skilled man alive with the traditional tin can, which he can practically cause to defy gravity, but is known to have difficulty with the standard spherical ball.
[ 9 ] Mr Nutt (Education: More than you could possibly imagine)
Player / Coach. Perhaps the most skilled tactician ever to lace up a boot. Is possibly the only player ever to use the word zeitgeist in everyday conversation. Particularly skilled in the philosophy of the game, he can get an axiom containing a paradox past an opposing player before the man even notices that his shorts have fallen down.
[ 1001 ] The Luggage
Surprisingly, not allowed on the team because of its total incapability of understanding what a game is. Also has too many feet.
Players from other teams
[ 7 ] Jimmy Wilkins (Pigsty Hill Pork Packers)
Jimmy Wilkins soon excelled himself as captain of the Porkies with his ability to turn cartwheels on the pitch and shoot upside down. Often this has bewildered unsuspecting goalkeepers sufficiently for the ball to have hit the back of the net before they have even realized that it was on its way.
[ 4 ] J. W. Rickett (Pigsty Hill Pork Packers)
A master of fine ball control, Kick it Rickett has been known to run half the length of the pitch with the ball apparently balanced on the tip of his boot. He has only failed to become a true football great because of his absolute reluctance to ever pass the ball to anybody else and once famously stormed off the pitch when one of his team tried it. As they said, he was a great player, if only you jumped out and tripped him up at the right moment.
[ 1 ] Charlie Barton (Treacle Mine Tuesday – Goalkeeper)
Very seldom does any ball get past Charlie (Big Boy) Barton who, it is rumoured, has to be crowbarred from the goal at the end of the match. This is a result of his phenomenal pie consumption and has led to the Ankh-Morpork Football Association declaring that the Miners’ goalmouth must be at least twice as wide as that of their opponents so that there may be room for the ball to be put in.
A Blink of the Screen: Collected Short Fiction Page 24
