With less than an ounce of dignity, I stood at the altar while they all kept a watchful eye on me, looking as if they were expecting to see the devil actually leave my soul. I waited to be told to dress, frozen in shame and disgraced beyond belief.
I was then permitted to dress, and I did so numbly, not even realizing I was now alone in the church. The reverend, Eugenia, and Curtis P. Boyd were outside the church doors, whispering.
I stayed motionless until they called for me. It wasn’t until I was outside that I tumbled to the wet ground and began to vomit.
“See? It worked. The devil is leaving you!” Eugenia cried with delight. “And from this day forward, you shall keep pure. It is my promise to God to keep you free from sin!”
Along the buggy ride home I slowly came out of my stupor, and I listened tentatively as Eugenia revealed how it was my own father who instigated the unholy cleansing ritual.
“Thomas came to me with worry, time and time again. You have become a woman well before your time, and in fact, the reason he was so worried is that your mother was the same way. She had wiles that drove men crazy, from an early age, and he sees those ways in you.
“Now,” Eugenia continued in an unfamiliar, subtle tone, “your mother has passed and it certainly isn’t kind to speak of the dead, but the fact of the matter is your father has told me she was a wild thing that seduced him, made him smitten with her, had him chasing after her, and finally trapped him, the same as you have attempted to trap Perry. You’re the child that was created out of wedlock, and that’s how you became to have the devil in you. You were born of the devil himself, and you should thank God again for having me come into your life to save you from the same bad fortune as befell your own mummy.
“She died giving birth to you, and that was God’s way of punishing her for taking to bed an already married man. Do you want to die the same horrible death? Do you want to be punished as well?” she demanded.
Eugenia’s words hurt like a punch straight to my already weakened stomach. I knew Mummy had died while bringing me into the world, but I didn’t know she had seduced my father while he was married to another woman.
“My daddy loved my mummy,” I moaned.
Eugenia snickered and wasted no more time filling me in on all the dirty details.
“Your father was happily married to Madeline. A dark-haired, fair- skinned woman from a good, upper-class family in London. Madeline was your father’s own age. They grew up together and were married soon after your father joined the Royal Navy.”
“I don’t want to hear anymore,” I begged.
Eugenia readily ignored my request and continued.
“Nine months to the day from their wedding night they had a son. They lived happily for many years until Thomas was seduced by a lowly chambermaid. Thomas admitted to me that he was infatuated with Charlotte. He bedded her, all because she openly teased him when Madeline was sick and in the hospital, recovering after nearly dying from whooping cough. She wouldn’t let Thomas alone, undressed before him…”
“Stop!” I cried and threw myself out of the buggy, which had stopped before the mansion.
“Amelia, you need to hear this!” she yelled after me.
I didn’t listen . . . couldn’t listen to it anymore. I ran to my room, slammed the door, and flung myself onto my bed.
Daddy had another wife; he hadn’t truly loved my mummy. And the only reason I was born was because he was seduced, teased, tricked into lying with her. He didn’t really love her! He loved Madeline!
Of course Eugenia and Daddy thought I would turn into her. Why wouldn’t I? Daddy always told me I looked so much like her, and now he must see how I am growing to be just like her - a seductive woman whom men can’t resist.
That night I lay awake, wondering if Mummy was indeed in heaven after all. All those years I had pictured her as an angel, up in the clouds, lovingly looking down upon me, watching over me and Daddy. Now, I saw her burning in hell, sitting beside the devil, laughing at me, hoping I would be just like her and steal a married man away from the wife he adored, just for the thrill of lying with me for one night.
I vowed to myself that night that I would never to be anything like my mother, and that I would become everything Eugenia wanted me to be.
~ ~ ~
~ Ten ~
The remainder of the summer slipped by without my leaving the safe haven of my bedroom, except to attend church services with Eugenia.
Daddy no longer accompanied us, for he was too engrossed in the business of the plantation. I knew from hearing the servants talk that Daddy was routinely up all hours of the night in his office. Eugenia explained to me, though I had little interest, that troubling times were ahead, now that the country was in turmoil over the possible abolition of slavery.
“Those Yankees have no business telling us how we should run our plantations. There is a war ensuing, Amelia, and we Southerners will not lose. Slavery will thrive in the South, that I guarantee,” she stated, while our buggy headed toward the church.
All I could think of was studying the Bible, staying out of harm’s way and certainly far from Perry Montgomery. It was only a month before that I had been caught in his bedroom in his lustful embrace when his wife was in labor. Sadly, that very evening, Myrna Montgomery died minutes after giving birth, along with her stillborn son. He was said to be suffering inconsolable grief. I had seen it for myself during the funeral. That was the last time I had seen him or his daughters. After that sorrowful day, they hadn’t been to church. And it was for the best, I believed. I didn’t need any other distractions. I prayed God would forgive me for all my sinful thoughts and dreams, forgive me for having a figure men desired; and I prayed not to be punished as my own mother. I was a good servant to him, I believed, and for once, I felt at peace.
Daddy stayed far from me, buried in his political and financial worries. Eugenia left me be, content that I was now the servant of the Lord, keeping myself locked away, far from the any man who would want me, unremittingly studying the Bible, saying my prayers, and attending church.
Beatrice and Violet returned from England, briefly giving me more time away from Eugenia. She was engrossed with her daughters, shopping and gallivanting all over Savannah, preparing them for the upcoming school year. To my surprise and joy, I learned that they would be returning to England in only a week to attend a private all-girls’ school, tuition paid in full by their rich Auntie Camille.
The night before their quick return to England, we all gathered downstairs for a formal farewell supper. It had been quite some time since I’d had supper anywhere other than my bedroom, let alone in the main dining room with the rest of the family.
Beatrice and Violet were dressed in their newest dresses, looking happy and radiant. Eugenia, sitting beside Daddy, gazed adoringly upon them. Daddy looked pale and stressed. His brow had by now turned into a natural frown. He had noticeably lost weight.
That evening he did his best to smile and even acknowledged me for the first time in weeks.
“Amelia, Eugenia tells me you have been keeping up with your biblical studies. I am pleased to hear that,” he said. “Keep up the good work and perhaps we can begin your piano lessons again.”
“Really?” I asked.
“You must continue to be on your best behavior,” Eugenia added.
Violet and Beatrice snickered and whispered to one another, but I didn’t care. I was going to play the piano again and sing.
“And you will be instructed to learn only hymns,” Eugenia said.
Daddy stared at me, waiting for a typical rebuttal, though I honestly had none. I was delighted.
Supper went on without Daddy acknowledging me again, although he mentioned Perry Montgomery a few times, commenting that he was in a bad way. His wife’s mother and father had sold their mansion in Baton Rouge and traveled to Savannah to live with Perry Montgomery and assist in raising the girls. There apparently wasn’t much else that Daddy felt the desire to say.
“I don’t understand why the servants don’t tend to the girls,” Beatrice said.
“Money is growing tight; he has let the governess go. Every extra dollar needs to be saved. Troubling times are ahead,” Eugenia said, and glanced over to Daddy with a dire look.
Daddy again became distant, even from his wife, and excused himself early. “I have matters to attend to that simply can’t wait,” he said.
Before sitting down and opening my Bible, I watched from my window as he set off into the evening. I hoped he was going to visit Mammy before going to see Perry Montgomery, though his trail led down the road and straight toward the Montgomery plantation.
Before I became engrossed in my studies, I thought of Mammy. I had been cooped up for much of the summer and hadn’t seen her or Hattie. I knew Hattie was out in the cotton fields, and it pained me, when I gave my attention to anything other than the words of the Lord, to think of how they were suffering. I tried not to remember how things used to be. I knew that no matter how much I tried, it would never been the same.
As I reflected back, a hot, misty breeze blew through the room, and the sweet smell of magnolia filled my nostrils. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, then sighed heavily, when I heard a soft knock on my door. Hattie didn’t wait for an answer. She quickly slid in and closed the door softly behind her.
“Hattie!” I cried.
Hattie came over and hugged me tight. I was delighted that she had come to see me and thought she must have read my mind. She knew I missed her and that’s why she came.
“Come play outside with us,” she begged. “It has been too long. The others are gathered in the woods for hide and seek. Even Eliza Sue is there. Come,” she insisted and took hold of my hand.
“I can’t. I need to study.”
Hattie took the Bible from my hands and gently placed it down on the bed.
“You’ve been studying all summer while I’ve been in the fields. Come away and play.”
The last time I played hide and seek, I’d found myself in peril, standing before the eyes of the Lord, begging for the devil to be removed from my soul. I nervously shook my head and turned away so Hattie wouldn’t see the fear in my eyes from the memory of that horrible day.
“I don’t want to. I have things I need to do. You go on with the others. Say hello for me,” I said, and quickly wiped the tear that escaped and trickled down my heated face.
Hattie wasn’t going to take no for an answer. She abruptly spun me around and made me look at her. “We’re sisters, aren’t we? Or since I’ve been become an ordinary slave maybe you think otherwise?”
“Hattie, no! Don’t you dare say such a thing. I love you like a sister and always will. You just don’t understand,” I cried.
“What don’t I understand? Tell me. I insist!”
“I can’t . . . I just can’t,” I sobbed and fell onto the bed.
Hattie sat beside me and caressed my hair, hushing me just the way Mammy used to.
“Come now, we always promised never to keep secrets from one another. Remember?”
I nodded with my face still pressed into my duvet.
“Then what is it?”
I sat up, taking a deep breath.
She waiting patiently for me to reveal how my mother seduced my father while he was married to Madeline and that I had an older half brother I never knew of. I told Hattie how I allowed Perry Montgomery to kiss me and how I now feared to be anything like my mother.
“Eugenia was right about me all along. Now I need to pray every night for forgiveness, for myself and for my own mummy. I pray not to be taken to the depths of hell the way she was. I pray the kiss he and I shared will not have me damned straight to the devil himself!” I cried.
Hattie hushed me and repeated over and over that I was a good girl, that the kiss wasn’t my fault, and that I would never be sent to burn in hell.
“How do you know, Hattie?” I sobbed.
“We all make mistakes, we all sin, but we are forgiven. Your mummy isn’t in hell. You were made out of love, between your mummy and your daddy. Just like the way Jacob Thomas was made. Do you think Jacob Thomas will burn in hell or my momma or your daddy?”
“Don’t you dare say such things!” I snapped and I briskly wiped the last remaining tear from my cheek.
“Then you don’t say such things. Eugenia knows nothing about you. Only Momma, your Daddy, and I do. Are you listening to me?”
I had sat up and gazed out the window, trying to see where exactly the laughter was coming from. I knew they were out there - Jackson, Winifred, Simon, Eliza Sue, and the other slave children. And for a fleeting moment, I wanted to take Hattie’s hand and run outside with her into the warm, dewy summer night and run like mad into the dark woods, only to see the sparkle of fireflies dance before my eyes. I wanted to feel the leaves beneath my running feet and hear the crickets all around, while I laughed and played games with the children I had grown up with.
But I swore to be good and stay true to my word. I would sit and study the Bible and pray for hours on end, that night and every night after, praying not to be taken before my time or made to suffer the way my mummy had. I prayed to be nothing like her, that my worst fears would never come true. I begged God to keep me from Perry Montgomery and any other man whom I could possibly, sinfully fall in love with.
* * *
Summer came and went without incident and flowed into a mild autumn. However, as calm as my heart and soul were feeling, the world on the outside of the sanctuary of my own bedroom was not long to remain without turmoil.
For months, Daddy was engrossed in the talk of abolition, and it was merely talk until John Brown’s raid on Harpers Ferry.
That mid-October evening, Daddy and the other plantation owners met in Savannah to discuss the events that were quickly unfolding. I heard Eugenia and Daddy arguing downstairs and made my way from my room to the foyer so I could listen. Daddy had just returned; it was about three in the morning.
“We need to crack down. These slaves of yours are going to revolt!” Eugenia flared.
I crept into the shadows of Daddy’s office, staying hidden behind a tall chair in the furthest corner. It seemed they had been arguing for some time.
“They will not revolt. They won’t run. They have nowhere to go. They have it good here,” Daddy protested.
“Thomas, you’re in denial! Don’t be a fool. Didn’t you listen to anything those men had to say? Perry has lost five slaves already. They escaped in the dead of night. Gone, looking for their freedom. Escaped without prosecution! So far, the only reason we haven’t lost any is thanks to Mr. Boyd. But how long do you think he can continue to manage them alone? How long before he has to deal with defiance that a whipping can’t fix?”
Daddy’s eyes opened shockingly wide.
“Whipped! I never gave orders to have any slave whipped,” he shot back. “Ever!”
Eugenia let out a subtle snicker, stepped closer, and said in a low, icy tone, “You think that tramp of yours doesn’t deserve to be whipped. She sleeps with the plantation owner! She sleeps with a white man and she gives birth to his devil child. That heathen has been whipped more than once!”
I cringed and held my breath, sickened and frightened with the images that were thrust into my mind. Daddy looked as though she had sent a dagger through his heart, and for a moment, as he stood there in shock, I thought he would tumble over. Daddy must have had the same image in his mind’s eye, of Mammy mercilessly whipped, bleeding. No doubt he was feeling her pain.
Without warning, the back of Daddy’s hand came barreling against Eugenia’s stone-cold face, the smack so intense it sent her reeling to the floor.
Eugenia lay frozen, clutching her face, while Daddy towered over her. He extended his long arm down to her, pointed his finger, and bellowed, “Don’t you ever have a finger laid on Abigail again, for if you do Eugenia, I will . . .” Daddy stopped mid-sentence.
“What will you do?” Euge
nia spat while slowly lifting herself up. “Will you divorce me? Will you make that slave girl your wife? Perhaps you will run off in the darkness of the night with her and your half-breed son and go live up north with the rest of the good-for-nothing Yankees. And of course, don’t forget to take your tramp of a daughter and that slave she pretends is her sister!” she screamed at the top of her lungs.
“You shut your mouth, Eugenia! Shut it this instant!” Daddy ordered. His face was fiery red, his eyes bulging with rage. His tight, white-knuckled fists were clenched next to his side, pounding against his legs, as he tried not to strike her again.
I stayed frozen, fearing I would be detected and punished forever. And just when I believed he would strike her again, Daddy crumbled and began to sob and shake uncontrollably. He fell to his knees, covering his face with his hands to hide his tears.
Eugenia lowered herself next to Daddy, took him in her arms, and cried along with him.
“I’m sorry. I truly am. I wish you loved me the way you love her,” she said between kisses to his wet cheeks.
“I do love you; I wish you would believe me,” he whispered back. “Please don’t hurt her anymore. It wasn’t her fault. It was I who seduced her. I took her to bed when she begged me not to!”
Eugenia’s eyes widened. “You mean you lusted after her, just like you did with Charlotte? It wasn’t for love after all? Besides Madeline, am I your only other true love?” She seemed so desperate, but most of all, so pathetic.
To appease Eugenia and prevent her from ordering Mammy whipped again, I was certain, Daddy agreed with everything she said.
“It was pure lust. I never loved Abigail, and she doesn’t love me. I haven’t bedded her in as long as I can remember. I want you and you alone.”
Without wanting to see their intimate reunion, I stole out as quietly as I’d crept in and hurried back to my room without being noticed.
Box Set: The ArringtonTrilogy Page 10
