Grace lowered her eyes, and Mitch released her foot. She took a few steps, and slowly sank down in the grass, pulling her knees up to her chest. Grace stared at the ground, tired of putting up walls, yet too scared to let them down. Mitch sat down beside her.
Grace spoke, “Seeing him with the children...he used to be like that all the time at home, everywhere, we were always happy. Well, mostly happy. Mother wasn’t really happy, and he acted like that, to cope with her displeasure. We all knew that, but we didn’t mind because it meant fun time with Father. Now I see in him, what my mother saw; a man, who is unwilling to see the truth. He hides himself behind walls and then blames you for them. They hid their fights from us when we were children, but as we got older we knew. That story today was like a slap in the face. Even if he doesn’t hurt me physically, he is there waiting to do it with his words, and those almost hurt worse. They don’t go away in a week, they stay there and sting. They never go away. It’s my fault about this or it is my fault about that. Every word he says is like a punch, a slap, and I stand there, and let it happen.”
~~~~~
God, what do I say to her? I don’t have anything to say. She needs you. I need you. What do you want me to do?
Pray with her Mitch. Ask me to change her father’s heart.
“Grace, can we pray for your father together? That God would change his heart?”
Grace’s response was sudden and violent. “How can I believe in God when I can’t see Him? I thought you said you were going to help me. I can believe in you. You are right here. But Him! He is just a bunch of broken promises. I wait every day for something to happen, something that will change my life. I am tired of waiting!” She curled herself into a ball so Mitch couldn’t see her face and the silent tears that went rolling down her cheeks.
“Grace, can you feel that breeze?”
“Yes,” was the muffled answer.
“Can you see what it does?”
“Yes.”
“Grace, can you see the wind?”
~~~~~
What kind of question is that? Grace sat up gradually. “No. You can’t.”
“So you can feel it, and you can see what it does, but you can’t actually see it?”
Where are you going with this Mitch? “Yes.”
“Then there can’t be wind.”
“Of course there is.”
“No, Grace there can’t be. I can feel it; I can see it, but I refuse to believe there is such a thing as wind. It can’t exist if I can’t see it. Just like you want to shut out God.”
Grace sat there, her face going blank, as to not betray her thoughts as she filtered through them.
“You can feel God in your heart Grace. You see Him working in the lives around you, but still, you refuse His Almighty help.”
Grace pulled her knees in. She didn’t like where this was going, but she couldn’t run. He would only come after her until she listened, that much was sure. Might as well save the energy for something else.
~~~~~
How in the world can I pose this in a palatable manner, God? She needs to hear it, but if I don’t say it right, all is lost. Please give me the words. “Grace I know this is the last thing you want to hear. It is the last thing I want to tell you. But, he won’t begin to change…until you do.”
“Why not?”
“Sometimes God uses others to sharpen us. As iron sharpeneth iron so doth a man sharpen the countenance of his friend. Grace, if you...” He paused until she looked him in the eye. “Let God work in your life, I can’t promise you that your father will change, but you will. Do you want to stay the way you are now, forever?”
“No!” Grace blurted out. “I hate being like this! I really do. I just want to go back to being me. I don’t want to have to fight! I am tired,” Grace burst into tears.
Mitch moved beside her, and she rested her head against his shoulder.
In a short while, the sobs subsided and Grace began talking. “I don’t mind being strong, but sometimes it feels like I am hurting myself more to be strong. I shut everything out. I don’t like it, Mitch, I feel like I am dying on the inside. I want to die. It is the only way out. I have waited so long. I can’t go on like this anymore Mitch, I just can’t,” she choked and held back her sob.
Gradually his arm was around her, and he pulled her closer.
“I want to die Mitch. I don’t know what else to do!” the words were painfully wrung from her heart.
“It’s all right Grace. There is only One Person who can help you with that, but will you let Him?”
~~~~~
Grace turned and looked at the ground. Her thoughts seemed to get lost in the silence. God, can you really help me?
Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
~~~~~
Dear Lord, I ask that you would strengthen Grace to choose you. Lord give her the courage where she feels weak. Fill her with love, where she is empty a heal her wounds that the world cannot see. Hold her Lord, hide her under your wings; Lord, please help Grace find you again. Lord, guide her, lead her, be her staff to lean upon and a rod to protect her. God, shield her from the enemies’ poisonous arrows... Grace’s voice suddenly broke into his silent prayer.
Words poured from her lips, pleading for help, forgiveness, and asking Him to change, and guide her. When she uttered her amen, Grace sagged against him with a sigh of relief. For several moments they sat there. Then Grace’s voice broke gently into the silence.
“I am happy, Mitch.”
Mitch smiled, She’s got it, God, and pressed an unconscious kiss into her hair.
Grace started up but did not look at him. “Mitch, what do you want from me?”
Inwardly he groaned. Ah, that was so stupid of me. You didn’t mean it, not like that at least…or did you? Remain calm. “What do you mean Grace?”
“You are so kind to me, you are always trying to help me. Why? What is it that makes you push past everything I put up? What do you want from me?” she looked up at him, almost frightened.
Mitch smiled at her, “I am sorry, Grace, I didn’t mean to kiss you, just then...” Mitch sighed and caught her chin in his hand so he knew she would be listening. “I don’t want anything from you, Grace. I want you to think of me as a brother, a friend. I don’t want to win your heart, but I would love to win your friendship. Will you let me?”
“A brother?” Grace asked quizzically, she looked piercingly at him.
“Yes, a brother. Only a brother.” Yet his heart was breaking under the words. It has to be this way. It has to be you, foolish heart. She’s not ready, and neither are you.
“Yes,” with a sigh she leaned against him once again.
Chapter 24
It feels good to be safe, but it feels better to let God have control.
The sun was slowly starting to sink in the sky, jogging her memory. Grace sat up, “I should go home. Mother will be worried about me, and I still need to go to Cunningham’s.”
“What do you need at Cunningham’s?” Mitch asked.
Grace pulled the list from her pocket.
“Can I take care of this for you? I will have them deliver it.”
“I-I don’t know.”
“Milly knows what you like right?”
“She does but…”
“It’s simple, I’ll take care of it discreetly. Please, Grace.”
I really do have to get back to mother and Mitch... Grace bit her lip tentatively and looked into his honest face. “If you are sure you don’t mind.”
“I don’t.”
She put the list in his hand.
“I’ll see you later then?”
Grace nodded, and they went their separate ways.
Though Grace took the short cuts, she took her time getting home. There was too much think about, so much tha
t she had felt, and was now free from. She thought of her mother; heartbroken, ill, sick with worrying, fears, and blighted affection. All of those years her mother had faithfully been by her father’s side were forgotten, when she was ill. He took very little care whether her mother lived or died; in all reality, he was so taken up with his own heart. Ryan had been her father’s son, Hannah her mother’s daughter, and Grace had been the tag along. She was always following in their footsteps. She realized that she had always been eclipsed in their shadows. It was always Hannah or Ryan that she should live up to. Now that both were absent, one forever, no one seemed to know what to do with her.
Suddenly, she longed for Ryan. He was the quick, sunny-haired, solemn expression, responsible older brother that always had made life a little more fun. But her time away at boarding school, and he in the cavalry had pulled them apart. She had tried to tell him how hard everything was for her at school. He could not hear her, and just told her to smile and make friends. Grace had received a dozen letters from him while she was at school. He had asked her to write a letter and tell him how mother and father were doing; he hadn’t heard from them in nearly a year. She hadn’t felt up to it. Maybe mother and I should write him a letter together. Just maybe that would make her happy.
Quietly, Grace entered the house and into her mother’s room. The curtains were pulled, shutting out the light. Gloom haunted every corner. It had been over a week since her mother had last left her room. Even a meal downstairs, exhausted her, emotionally. Father had been particularly difficult that day. He was crippling her feelings by squeezing her into meeting his own selfish needs, and she had born it alone for the last four years. That dark room was her only safety.
“Mother, are you asleep?”
“No, Grace, I am not. Did you want something?”
“I was wondering if you wanted to write a letter to Ryan? It has been awhile since he has heard from any of us and I just thought that...” she let her words drift off not sure what to say next.
“I would like that Grace. You can pull back the curtain if you like, my writing desk is over in the corner. Would you mind if I just told you what to say, and you can write it down for me?”
“I wouldn’t mind at all.” At least it means that you would be talking to me.
In half an hour Grace had written a two-page letter from her mother filled with tiny tidbits and care. As she wrote the letter, resentment built up in her heart that she tried to conquer it. Such expressions of love had been withheld from her; were freely given to him in abundance. With a feeble hand, it was signed, and Grace sealed the letter. She prepared to leave when her eyes fell on her mother’s Bible
“Mother would you like me to read to you for a little while?”
“That would be lovely my dear. Just pull the curtains so I can rest.”
Grace pulled the curtains almost completely shut, leaving just enough light for her to read. She hadn’t read it in years, except on Sundays, and in church. Where should I read God?
Just open the book.
Opening it, her eyes fell on the twenty-third Psalm, and she began to read. “The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want…” Grace read until she was sure her mother was asleep. But she continued to read aloud, there were things in this book she had never heard. Life-giving words, that meant something to her; feeding her scarred, starving heart.
There was a knock on the door below. Quietly she put the book down and prepared to slip out of the room on cat-like; feet when soft words were muttered from the bed.
“Thank you, Grace.”
“You are welcome, Mother, do you want me to read more to you later?”
“Maybe. Now go see who is at the door.”
“Yes, mother.”
With near elation, Grace slipped downstairs, and to the back door. Milly stood waiting on the steps with the delivery wagon in the yard.
“Hello, Milly.”
“Hello, Grace. I persuaded Pappa that I needed some fresh air. So he let me out with the delivery wagon and I have a few things for you.”
Oh, no, she is fishing! She knows something is up. “It’s so good to see you, Milly, you look rosy and fresh from your ride. Too bad there aren’t any of your young men around.”
“Why, thank you, yes that is a pity. You know Mitch came by the store with your list and asked me to fill it out for you. Ruby waited almost a half hour for you. So what were you up to for the three or so hours between Ruby and Mitch? And how did he come by your list?”
Ah, you are so subtle. “Didn’t you hear?”
“Hear what?”
“That Miss Jane is leaving town.”
“Yes, I know that much. Thank heavens she was a dreadful nuisance she was—is? Whatever, I am just glad she is leaving!”
“Well, I went to the school and stayed with the children. My father and Mitch came and made sure everything was all right. Since it was, the children and I finished out the lessons. When the children were dismissed, Mitch came by to make sure everything was well; I am certain my father sent him.” Her conscience smote her. Yes, that was an outright lie, but I don’t want her to know. Because if she did, I would never hear the end of it! “I was in a hurry to get home to mother, so he took my list, end of story. Now isn’t that exciting?” she asked with sarcasm.
“He is very good you know.”
“Yes, I know he is a good deputy. My father talks about him frequently,” said Grace putting away the purchases and trying to appear uninterested in the subject.
“Grace, I mean he is really good at reading your list.”
“And what is that supposed to mean?”
“Oh, I don’t know; just Mitch reading off your list to me, was I don’t know. It had this feeling about it.”
“Well, I don’t feel it Mildred, and I doubt he does.”
“You know if you were to marry….”
“The question, Mildred, is if! I am barely sixteen.”
“You are almost seventeen Grace. Your birthday is next month.”
Grace stopped, “Can it really be possible? A whole year has gone by?”
“I am afraid it has. Do you want some of my wrinkle cream?”
“Mildred!”
“It is a valid question. Girls our age can’t be too careful you know. Do you really think your father sent him to check on you?”
Grace knew she might as well confess. “I don’t know Mildred, I was guessing. It is entirely possible that he was bored, and decided to make sure I hadn’t accidentally set the school on fire.”
“So it is entirely possible that he came of his own accord?”
“Yes, he knew school was out, Jake Smith went to get his two-headed snake from Mitch.”
“Two-headed snake!”
“No, it had only one. But it might as well have had two heads for the fuss he caused.”
“I hate snakes.”
“It was only a harmless green snake.”
“You saw it!”
“Someone had to catch the little creature.”
Milly sat down on a chair, a look of disbelief covering her face. “You caught the snake?”
“Yes, I did.”
She pulled up her feet. “HOW!?”
“Just like my brother taught me.”
Mildred shivered. “Are you calm about all snakes?”
“No, I am scared of rattlers.” Her mind flashed back to the day when she had been riding with Jip and his horse spooked. She smiled at the remembrance of Francine’s faint into Mitch’s arms.
“What are you smiling at?” asked Mildred.
I nearly forgot you were here. “Nothing, I guess. Do you think you could mail a letter for me? Mother wrote this one to Ryan, or rather I wrote it out for her.”
“Won’t you come and post it yourself tomorrow?”
“I have to write one myself tonight. So if you’d take this one, I will bring mine up tomorrow.”
“Fine, I should get back to the store. Thomas probably has more deliveries to make by
now,” sighed Milly.
“I am glad you stopped by, and I will see you soon.”
“Yes, tomorrow Grace!”
“Bye!”
When Milly was gone, Grace looked over the purchases seriously. Everything was there in perfect order. Yes, Mitch could read a list, but Milly knew how to fill it.
Chapter 25
It was much later than usual when Grace finally heard her father’s horse riding up. Anxiously, she waited for him. What kind of mood will he be in tonight?
He walked into the kitchen a smile on his face. “Hello, Grace. Have a good day?”
Depends on who you ask. “Pretty good and you, Father?”
“I am excellent. I am a little late because there was an emergency council meeting called. Since Miss Vanholt is leaving, they were trying to decide what to do.”
“Oh, and what did they decide? Will they send for another teacher?”
“How do you like having your own school, Grace?”
“What?” Grace looked at him, mystified.
“You wanted to stay at school and be a teacher right? Well, now you have your wish. You’ve been hired.”
“I am what?”
“You’re the new teacher of Esperanza Springs.”
“Who…who will take care of mother?”
“Can’t you be excited for once? You are a teacher now. What did you make for dinner?” he asked opening the warmer without waiting for an answer.
Grace sat down dumbfounded. I wanted to be a teacher’s assistant, not a teacher! How can I-I run an entire school room? I know I did it today, but that was easy. I didn’t have to grade any of the children’s papers I just helped them. Oh God, what am I going to do?
“This looks good, Grace,” he said. Taking his plate from the warmer and going to the table he began to eat. “You will want to go to bed so you can get a fresh start in the morning.”
“What about mother, though?”
“I asked Mrs. Fang to come in and check on her.”
“Mrs. Fang?” she asked in disbelief.
“What is wrong with that, Grace?”
“Father, she is a gossip.”
“And what exactly is wrong with that?”
Sufficient Grace Page 14
