by Lisa Ladew
She clutched at him. “I’m breaking the rules.”
“What rules?” he asked, keeping his voice as soft as hers, like there was some sort of a spell keeping them together, and if they made too much noise, they would break it and lose whatever was building between them.
She touched her head, letting go of him with only one hand. “I… I don’t know. I almost know. I should know.” She loosened her hold on his hand. “Maybe if I…” She let go of him completely and took a step away from him. Jaggar barely stopped himself from grabbing at her. Her face went slack and wondering, the silver in her eyes building to a blinding intensity.
He did grab for her then. She sighed when he touched her, a sigh of deep relaxation, and her expression changed again. “It’s better when you touch me,” she said.
“I’ll touch you forever,” he responded, before he could think about the words. He would. Gladly.
She smiled and stepped back close to him, so close her bare feet were between his bare feet. She looked up at him, her expression unreadable. She wants you to kiss her.
Jaggar denied the voice, not believing it, and the moment broke. Leilani put one hand on his chest and ran it upwards toward his neck. “Can I touch you?” she asked him again.
“Touch me anywhere,” he rasped, giving her permission for… whatever she wanted. But her trembling fingers reached his face, he grabbed her hands and held them close to his chest, his mind racing. Just because she couldn’t see it, didn’t mean he could hide it from her. She had to know. “I have a-a line running down my face and my body. I look different. I’m divided.”
“I’ve seen it,” she said. “From the meadow.” Her voice held no hint of the contempt many had held for him over the years.
“Explain this meadow,” he said. “What happened to your eyes?”
She put a hand to her head again, then pulled her other hand away from him and put it on her head also, breaking that touch between them. “The catamount says you are dangerous.”
Jaggar made a noise deep in his throat, like a growl, and he cut it off quickly, not wanting to scare his mate. But he didn’t like the sound of that.
The room lit with silver light.
“I want to know you,” she said again and the light flared uncontrollably. He was blinded by it. Pain crushed him, but still he grabbed toward Leilani.
She was traveling.
Just in time, he caught her.
She yanked him, and back in time they went.
18 – He’s No Felen
Jaggar opened his eyes to the same house on the same quiet street where Leilani had taken him before, but it was not the same when as before. The air was warmer and the trees a brilliant orange and red. Fall. He looked behind them quickly. No door.
There was a car in the driveway.
His dad’s Ford Pinto was there, his dad, too, looking impossibly young and strong in his patrol uniform, standing in the driveway, talking to Kalista. His dad seemed furious, his stance tense and unforgiving as he paced in front of Kalista and listed off something on his fingers.
Leilani grabbed for Jaggar, holding on to his elbow. He curled his arm and covered her hand with his own, sick dread filling him. He already knew what was happening here, he remembered this day like it was yesterday. He’d been five, and it had been the first time he’d met his dad, the first time he’d been around a wolfen.
“Jaggar,” Leilani whispered. “Where are we, who is that?”
“You time-traveled us again. We’re back at my house.”
“I’m sorry,” Leilani whispered to him frantically. “I’m not trying to. I’m not totally in control of it.”
“It’s ok, of course it’s ok,” Jaggar said, wanting to take her away from this place.
But she was already turning toward the voices like they were fascinating. “Who’s talking?”
Five-year-old Jaggar came out of the house, a scowl on his face, pulling two bags that were bigger than he was behind him. No one helped him.
“My dad,” he said flatly. “And my great-aunt.” He wondered how much Leilani even knew about any of them. “Leilani, you… know what I am, right?”
She smiled at him, her eyes open, the silver not so visible in the sunlight. Out here, he could almost believe it was a trick of the light that made her eyes shine. “You’re a-ah,” her voice faltered and she whispered the rest of what she wanted to say. “You’re a man who can turn into a wolf, a really big one. A wolf shifter.”
Jaggar shook his head, sick dread filling him. “I’m not a wolf,” he said.
She frowned. “I thought… but you are. I touched you. And Eventine said you’re a wolf…” She trailed off, then frowned. “I think she did.”
Jaggar frowned. “Could you get us back to… to where we just were? There’s so much we need to talk about.”
Leilani’s face contracted and she looked down at the ground. The silver light in her eyes flared for just a moment. She clutched at him and he tried to prepare himself… but nothing happened.
“I can’t,” she said, her voice soft and tinged with shame, her cheeks reddening. “Maybe it’s too soon.” But the way she turned toward the voices of his father and great-aunt told him that maybe she didn’t want to.
“Can we get closer?” she asked. “Do they see us?”
She wanted to know him. She wanted to know him and she was going to do whatever she had to in order to find out who he was, and he had only two choices. He could deny her what she wanted, or he could facilitate it. Deep in Jaggar’s heart, he wanted only to give her anything and everything she wanted. He made his decision.
“They can’t see us,” he said. “And I can tell you what’s going on. I’m going to live with my dad, I’m meeting him for the first time. I ah, I was five.” He took a deep breath and kept talking. “My animal is not a wolf, Leilani. My mom was a felen, which is a big-cat shifter, like a mountain lion, and my dad was a wolf. Wolven and felen aren’t supposed to mate, aren’t supposed to be able to have young, but they did, somehow. I’m nothing but a beast. An abomination.”
“Oh,” Leilani said, and her hold loosened on him. One hand fell away and she took a tiny step away from him. Jaggar held his breath for the rejection that was coming. He’d received it thousands of times in his life, from felen and wolfen alike, but all of those put together would not equal the pain of this one. It welled up inside him like a balloon, making him break out his mantra and steel himself. He would drop that mask of indifference over himself, take himself to church, maybe lose himself in the past as surely as they were lost in the past at that very moment.
First, he would get Leilani back to where she belonged. Then he would disappear forever. Maybe he would find a way into the Pravus. Introduce Khain to the beast.
But Leilani’s free hand reached up to his face, fluttering lightly, touching his skin, her eyes gazing on him, even if she couldn’t see him. “I thought it was only a nickname,” she said. “Because you are so scary and dangerous.”
Jaggar didn’t know what to think of that statement. He held his breath, the moment stretching on, waiting for her to pull away.
“I think your… beast is beautiful,” she said instead, her hand still fluttering over his face. “He was very sweet to me. He took care of me.”
Jaggar’s body loosened, releasing the tension he hadn’t known he was holding. He loves you, was on the tip of his tongue, but he held it back.
In front of them, five-year-old Jaggar put his bags in the back seat of his dad’s car. He slammed the car door, calling Leilani’s attention.
“What’s happening?” she whispered.
“That’s ah, that was me. I put my bags in the car. My dad and I are going to walk down this sidewalk in a second.”
Kalista shook her head one last time, said something Jaggar didn’t catch, her tone harsh. She kissed Jaggar on the cheek and whispered something in his ear.
Jaggar couldn’t hear it, but he remembered it. “Your dad didn’t know about
you. Don’t fault him for that and try not to fault your mom, either. She didn’t want to ruin his life.”
Jaggar felt the sting of those words again. His existence had ruined a lot of lives.
His dad stared down at him, storms in his eyes. “Let’s walk,” he finally said. Five-year-old Jaggar, bruises on his face from neighborhood fights, did not walk. He only stared. His dad finally grabbed him by the shoulder and forced him to move.
The pair passed close to Leilani and Jaggar. Jaggar and Leilani followed, holding hands tightly.
They walked on the cracked sidewalk for many moments before Lockport spoke. “I can see why they called me,” he said. “Of course they can’t handle you. You’re a proper wolf, aren’t you, boy?”
Jaggar eyed the line down his own young face. Sometimes the line was barely there and the change from light to dark skin was gradual. Other times, it was so starkly delineated it looked painful, like at that moment.
“No, sir,” young Jaggar said, rubbing his head, his expression angry. “I’m not wolfen or felen. I’m nobody.”
Lockport’s expression hardened. “Is that what they’ve been telling you? Fucking cats.” He sighed. “We heard the rumors, but we never dreamed they were true. I should have come to see. I should have found Journey, I should have seen with my own eyes whether she had young or not.”
They walked in silence around the block. Once, twice, three times. Leilani held Jaggar’s hand and didn’t say a word while they followed.
Lockport spoke again. “Your mom is different than the rest of them, but she was so young. We both were. Her family is powerful in the community, and not to be opposed. We met when she came to Serenity to stay with Kalista, and then I was told she moved back. I never saw her again. The rumors I mentioned, they were only of a young born to a felen and a wolfen, I never imagined the wolfen was me.”
He dropped to his knees on the sidewalk, taking Jaggar by the shoulders. “You have to understand how young we were,” he said. “People make mistakes, we never thought we could actually create a child. It’s supposed to be impossible.”
Young Jaggar shook his head, his eyes on the ground. He rubbed the top of his head ruthlessly.
“What’s wrong with you?” Lockport asked.
“My head,” Jaggar mumbled. “It hurts. It always hurts.”
“Kalista says your shift is bound. That could be causing it, or it could be this-” He motioned to Jaggar’s face. “This division inside you.” Lockport shook his head, his eyes narrowed. “Rhen could have stopped this,” he said. “Rhen did this to you, and I don’t know why.”
Young Jaggar pressed both hands to his temples, a groan escaping from him. His father traced the line down the center of his face.
“What does it feel like?” his dad asked.
Jaggar’s voice was strained, too strained for someone so young. “Like I’m being ripped in half.”
Lockport stared at him for a long time, before standing and steering Jaggar back to the car. “You need discipline and control, son. You have to be stronger than the pain. I will teach you. We will get you help.”
“Yes, sir.”
They got in the car and drove away. Jaggar looked down at Leilani. One tear tracked down her face. He wanted to wipe it away, but she had both of his hands locked in a death grip. He wanted to kiss it away, but he didn’t dare.
Silver light flashed, his pain flared.
They traveled.
19 – Take Me to Church
In that moving box again, Jaggar held tight to reality, and to Leilani. The travel ripped at his eyes and the line down the center of him, trying to rip him in half. He held himself together mentally with a grip born of practice, squeezing his eyes shut against the pain.
When they stopped, he knew without looking where they were. Sand. Dust. Grit blowing against his face. Heat. Sand. The Sinai Desert in the summer. Which might as well have been Hell.
Reveille played, the first bugle notes startling him, which meant it was 6:00 in the morning, and they were at the base where Jaggar had first lost himself, and first found himself.
Jaggar opened his eyes, stark fear falling in on him. He’d been in the Army, he’d been in the Marines, too. He’d been a cryptographer, and a sniper and a counter-sniper, too. He’d been green to gold, which meant he’d started out enlisted, lying about his age, doing the only thing he could think of to get away from Serenity after Eventine and Harlan had gotten together, then he’d taken the classes and jumped through the hoops to become an officer, doing two more tours that way. He’d been in enlisted boot camp when the females had died. Harlan and Burton and Wade and others had begged him to come home, but he’d been caught in the contract he’d signed. And he’d been destroyed.
“No, Lele,” he moaned, desperation falling in on him. “Not here. Take us away from here. Take us anywhere but here.”
Leilani turned sightless eyes to him, her face stricken. “Where is here?”
In front of them was a temporary Army base. Drab tents were lined in perfect rows, and in front of them, the base church, marked by a small white cross on a black background.
Military-age Jaggar stumbled in front of them, no older than nineteen or twenty, heading for that tent, looking like he was falling-down drunk. Jaggar could smell the liquor coming off of himself in waves. There was blood on his uniform.
“Chaplain!” he yelled toward a tent marked with a cross. “I’ve got a confession!”
A chaplain dressed in a military uniform came out of the tent, a captain with the same cross on a band on his uniform. He crossed his big arms and watched Jaggar stumble around a few times, then he grabbed Jaggar by the back of his neck and forced him inside the tent.
The Jaggar still outside the tent felt sick to his stomach. He didn’t remember ever going inside the church on base. He didn’t remember this incident at all, and still he knew what night it was. The last time he’d ever drunk. The next day he’d thrown all his liquor away and sworn off the stuff.
“Is that you yelling?” Leilani asked him in a trembling voice. She wasn’t pressed into his side, was barely holding onto him, was maybe pulling away from him a little bit.
Desperate times call for drastic measures. The truth was his only option. He would lay himself bare at his mate’s feet. “That’s me,” he said, his voice not strong. “This is a bad place. I wish you didn’t want to see this.”
She frowned, looking like she might bolt. “Did you… did you do something you weren’t supposed to?”
“No,” Jaggar said, raising his free hand, to his temple, looking out at the blue sky and the baked earth. “Yes,” he said. “No,” he said. Shit.
He tried again. “I did what I was told. This is an Army base. We were rocketed constantly. We had snipers trying to take us out even when we were sleeping and eating. This is a place of death and it could sneak up on us here and now. It comes from anywhere and everywhere, the death and the fear and the pain and I don’t want you to see any of it.”
From inside the tent, drunk Jaggar was yelling. Leilani drifted that way, obviously trying to make out the words.
“I killed a man,” drunk Jaggar yelled. He didn’t speak for a second. “On orders,” he almost hissed.
Leilani trembled and almost pulled away from him. Jaggar held fast to her hand. He tried to explain. “I killed a lot of men, Lele. That’s what we did. I was part of a sniper unit. This was the first time I killed someone. I-I remember drinking, but I don’t remember this.” His face burned. “I never drank again, but that first kill, it was hard on me. It changed me.”
Leilani faced him. Her fingers clutched at his again. She moved in a little closer. “I want to go inside,” she said. “I want to see.”
What could Jaggar do but what she asked? Nothing. He gave in and began to take her that way, but just-that-quick they were inside, at the very end of a multi-denominational chapel with metal folding chairs for seats, a stage and podium and row of lit candles at the other end of th
e tent. She’d moved them with her mind. Jaggar was almost used to it.
Then-Jaggar was in the back row, sitting on a chair, his head lolling back, his arms hanging to the ground. He was breathing hard, his stomach lurching occasionally. Jaggar was so glad Leilani couldn’t see him, and this time he didn’t even feel bad. This view of himself from the past disgusted him, and he would wither in shame if she saw it. It was bad enough that she could hear it. He pulled her to a chair near his past self and sat her down, then sat next to her.
The chaplain hurried back with a bucket, setting it next to Jaggar. “You throw up in here, you hear me? I’m not cleaning up your puke, soldier.”
Jaggar rolled his eyes open, then grabbed onto his head with both hands. “I killed a man this evening, and I don’t know why,” he slurred. “Only that I was told to.”
The chaplain sat down next to him. “You’re a soldier. That’s what you do.”
Jaggar’s eyes dropped shut again. He squeezed his head hard, then he hit himself in the forehead.
“What’s that line down your face?” the chaplain asked.
Jaggar snorted, then chuffed, his face going instantly obstinate. “Medical condition,” he said, his hands still up. He squeezed his head. “Fuck, fuck, FUCK!” he said, shouting the last word.
“You drank too much, Lockport. It’s just going to get worse.”
“You don’t understand,” Jaggar said. “It’s inside me. It hurts.”
“What’s inside you, Lockport?”
“It’s a… a tumor. I can’t get rid of it. It’s always been there, it will always be there.”
“A tumor?” the chaplain’s face showed disbelief.
“No, not a tumor,” Jaggar said, squeezing his head. Then he dropped his hands and stared around the small, empty chapel, then back at the chaplain. “Do you know what it’s like to be divided? To be in pain every day, all day long?”
The chaplain didn’t speak for a few moments. His voice softened. “You mean like God and the devil, son?”
Jaggar snorted derisively. “God,” was all he said, his voice dripping with hostility. “Not… Him.” Jaggar stared at him for a long time, then he pushed to his feet, his head hanging, as he tried to make his way out the door. “I don’t belong here,” he mumbled. “I don’t belong anywhere.”
