by Lisa Ladew
Leilani stopped breathing for a moment, willing her heart to still beat while she tried to drag in a breath. Perfect? She was anything but perfect. How could he even use that word to describe her?
She shook her head, pulling her hands away, some sort of panic building inside her. “I’m not perfect,” she said. “I’m…”
“Perfect,” he finished, and he leaned into her, kissing her lips once, sweetly. “Perfect for me.”
Perfect for him. That she could almost buy. That, she could understand, because didn’t he seem perfect for her, too? She liked that he was so much older than her and had so many experiences where she lacked so many. She liked that he was stoic and dangerous and so big and strong and that he had the beast inside him. She liked the beast. She liked his wolf half and his cat half and his tendency to think so hard he lost himself. She liked his intelligence and his competence and his absolute surety in himself.
She pulled him in close to her, letting her eyes close, wanting only that kiss again. “You’re perfect for me, too,” she said.
They kissed. It was wonderful, sending chills down her spine, then back up her belly. She pressed her lips against his, loving his warmth, his aliveness, how he could pull her into his arms and she fit there so perfectly. She probed his lips gently with her tongue, acting on instinct, wanting so much to taste him, to know him in every way.
He moved one hand behind the nape of her neck, cupping there, a snarl or a growl or some dangerous sound of deep contentment spreading through him. She would snarl back if she knew how, the moment pulling the desire from her. His tongue touched hers, and it was soft, so soft. She sighed instead. He snarled, she sighed, and she lost herself to him as surely as if they’d traveled to a time where nothing existed but the two of them. His other hand found her hips, and he pulled her body right up next to his.
They kissed for what seemed like hours, their hands exactly where they were, one of his on her neck, his other on her hip, both of hers on his shoulders, sliding up and down his neck, and his chest, and his face. She wanted to never leave, wanted to never stop, wanted to only live that moment for the rest of her life.
For just that time, they were two perfect beings, locked in a perfect embrace, the sins of their pasts and the unknowns of their future unable to touch them or influence them in any way.
Acceptance flowed freely from him to her, and she lapped it up like milk, taking it in, feeling it as surely as if he were repeating the words to her over and over again. You’re perfect, I adore you, you’re beautiful, I want to touch you forever, I’m glad you’re my mate.
Me, too, she thought. I’m glad you’re my mate, too.
29 – She Speaks Ruhi
Jaggar stopped completely. He couldn’t help it. Leilani had just spoken to him in ruhi. She’d said she was glad he was her mate. He hadn’t even realized he’d been telling her the same thing as they kissed, until her words came to him.
He pulled back from her, just a little bit, letting his hand move from the nape of her neck to her cheek. Two truths became apparent to her as he stared into her eyes and thought about what she’d said. The first was that he’d never dared to hope that he would get a mate. The second was that he’d been able to sense her fear of him since their first meeting in the forest but he hadn’t admitted it to himself. But now that her fear of him was gone… somehow, he could allow himself to think about it.
“You’re glad I’m your mate?” he said softly, barely daring to hope she would repeat it out loud. Could this sweet female in front of him really and truly accept who he was at his core? He was the beast. Could she really be good with that?
She flushed beautifully. “You heard me?”
Yeah, he told her in ruhi, smiling. The smile felt out of place on his face. He’d smiled more in the last few hours than he had since he’d joined the military. But Leilani gave him so many reasons to smile.
Oh! She said in his head and she let go of him to cover her mouth with her hands.
He pulled at her hands, his smile growing bigger until it felt goofy, so out of place he didn’t know what to do with it. Are you embarrassed?
“No,” she said out loud, but her face flushed again. “I’m just not used to this. I’m out of my element completely.”
He nodded, remembering who she was and what she’d been through. He had to go slow with her. He tightened down all his mental hatches, including the one on his cock, which had hardened in his pants. Take me to church, he repeated in the back of his mind, harshly, commanding his body to slow down, take a step back, to get itself under control. They would not be doing anything sexual until he was certain she was ready. The last thing he wanted to do was frighten her. It would not bother him if all they ever did was kiss.
“My fault,” he said, pulling away from her, trying to stand. “I shouldn’t have kissed you. I’m moving too fast.”
She pulled at him, desperation moving into her expression, and he hated to see it. “You should have kissed me,” she whispered. “I wanted you to kiss me.”
Jaggar stopped moving. He let himself be pulled back down into a kneeling position. He fitted himself right up against his mate’s body again, her words melting him as surely as if they were water and he, salt. He would not deny her anything she wanted.
He leaned in and kissed her mouth again, keeping all of his sudden desire for her out of it, only exploring her mouth, her scent, her taste, the way the skin of her collarbone, her shoulders, and her soft neck felt under his fingers. This was about them getting to know each other. Not about sex. Not about sex at all. Take me to church, he repeated, willing his body to stay under the control of his mind. This was about her.
“You’re beautiful,” he whispered, skimming his hand across her neck, right where it met her hairline. She shivered under his touch, making his heart swell. He’d imagined this moment so many times as a teen, his first real kiss with his mate, but he’d never been able to conjure anything this good. It felt as right as anything he had ever felt in his life. He’d barely dared dream that he would ever find a mate who accepted him fully, the way that Leilani seemed to. If he was a different male, he would thank Rhen for her, but he wasn’t. He was him.
“Are we moving too quickly?” she said, stark fear in her eyes. Fear that he understood perfectly. She wanted this to be real, to be lasting, as much as he did. But neither of them knew how to make that happen.
He shook his head hard. “No way.” He grasped her hips and pulled her closer to him.
She stared at him, considered his words, her expression soft, and yielding, but then she dropped her eyes. “Even though I’m blind? And there’s something else you aren’t considering. How can we have a relationship outside of the meadow, out in the real world? My mind doesn’t work right, remember? I can’t even let you go without traveling through time or forgetting who I am…” She put a hand to her head. “I’ve got this… this thing in my brain, Jaggar, it’s ruining me.”
“We’ll figure it out,” he said, meaning it with every bone in his body. If he could never let her go again, then so be it.
She kissed him then, sealing them together with new passion. He almost lost himself to the urge to take her, to remove her clothes, to run his hands all over her body, to touch her everywhere there was to touch. He moved his hands off her, gripping the arms of the chair in order to keep himself still.
She touched him while they kissed, her hands roaming over his chest and his back and then down to his hips. Her breath came in short pants that made him think of-. The chair creaked as he gripped it harder. She couldn’t possibly be ready for this. He must be pushing her. He stopped kissing her with effort, drew back a bit, stared into her eyes. “I don’t want to move too fast.”
She nodded, but he thought he saw something that made no sense in her eyes: disappointment. He stood, taking her hand and pulling her to her feet, trying to get a handle on his feelings. “We should walk,” he said, his voice coming out rougher than he’d intended, his body
overheating in its desire. He wrestled with it in a very different way than he was used to.
He pulled her to the door. “I’ll show you around,” he said, getting himself under control little by little.
She smiled at him and fell in step next to him as he pointed out offices and rooms and shared history with her.
They passed all of the police department offices, just walking, their hands clasped and swinging between them.
“I’m worried about Burton,” Leilani said.
“Me, too. We could check on him. He lives this way.” He motioned down the long dark tunnel. “I live this way, too.”
“Really? Down this tunnel? Can we walk there?”
“It’s almost three miles.”
“I don’t mind.” He could hear the smile in her voice and he smiled at it. He knew how she felt. Like there was nothing else they should be doing. Just this. Just being together.
They passed a dark off-shoot tunnel. She stared down it as they passed, then shivered.
“That one leads to Rhen’s body,” he said.
“She has a real body?”
“That’s the story. Some dangerous felen guard it, so don’t ever come down in the tunnels without m…” He trailed off when she stiffened, her hand tightening in his. Whoops. Of course she wouldn’t be coming down here without him.
After a few moments, she said, “Don’t you think it’s strange that there is a door that leads to the tunnels where Rhen’s body is, located inside Rhen’s meadow?”
He contemplated that for a few moments. “Yes,” he finally said. “It is strange. I want to see that door from the other side.”
You’re thinking like a KSRT officer again, his mind told him. Knock it off.
Knock it off. Right. None of that was his business anymore.
Fuck.
***
Leilani lost herself in the moment of simply walking, seeing, thinking, and feeling as they made their way down the relatively dark tunnel. The place felt more like home than she wanted to admit.
“Tell me about that place,” Jaggar said. “You lived there from when you were twelve until you were twenty-five?”
Her happiness dimmed, just a little. “Yes.”
“Was it awful?” he asked quickly.
“No, it wasn’t awful,” she said. “Most of the time. It was just boring, just bleak. You don’t have a future in a place like that and most of the time I couldn’t remember my name, much less think about getting out of there. It was just one endless day after another, all of them running together, mostly. I was able to read when I could dodge my medication or throw it up. I got to watch TV. They encouraged TV, even the news, so I was able to follow what was happening with the world a bit.”
He nodded. “Did you have… friends?”
“I did.” She smiled. “I had a few different roommates. My favorite was Dot. She was an older woman who truly believed every sitting president was turned into an alien when he put his hand on the bible to be sworn in. She kept mashing up seeds from her garden so they would look like chemical weapons and sending them to the White House. Her son committed her. She was super cool, though, and had the best stories about everything. She used to braid my hair for me.” Leilani touched her head, remembering how she’d felt mothered and loved when Dot would insist on brushing her hair one hundred strokes and then braid it according to her whims. It only happened when Dot was having a very good day, and so it hadn’t happened often.
She’d had other friends, too, even a few nurses. She told some of her stories, some funny ones, some sad ones, some boring ones that only served to show how quiet the place normally was. She specifically did not mention Joel, still shocked at Jaggar’s admission that he’d killed the man. Dangerous, but not to me, echoed through her mind.
Jaggar indicated a door up ahead. “Do you want to go to my place, or to Burton’s place?”
“Your place,” she said, feeling like she couldn’t get enough air all of a sudden. Jaggar’s home. Her mate’s home.
Would it be her home, too?
30 – Eventine Returns to the Meadow
Eventine nodded at her mate. He nodded back, blew her a kiss, winked at her, blew her another kiss, then forced himself out the door to his rounds. No one could agree what the scent in the forest was, and they were all on alert.
Crew and Dahlia were sitting across from her. Harlan had brought chairs in because the couch was taken and the cabin had received a steady stream of visitors since Jaggar had left. No one could find him, no one had any idea how he might be trying to get to the meadow, but he had the right idea.
Leilani was lying on the couch, her eyes closed, a smile playing over her lips occasionally, like she was dreaming a pleasant dream.
Eventine got right back to business. “Crew, you’re not allowed back in the meadow, so that’s why I need Dahlia. I’m sure she can get us both there.” Crew did not look happy about it. His back was ramrod straight, like he was ready to spring out of the chair at any moment and usher Dahlia out of the house. He was taking his role as her protector too far, not letting her even consider what Eventine had asked them for.
“What if she can’t get back here?” Crew said.
“Why would you think that would happen?” Eventine asked, genuinely curious.
He glowered at the floor. “I just don’t want her getting involved in all of this.”
Dahlia put a hand on his arm. “You know I’m involved already, there’s nothing we can do about that. I want to help if I can.”
Eventine nodded, trying to catch Crew’s eye. “She’s involved. She’s not here just to look pretty, Crew, and she’s not here just to be your mate or have your young. She’s as involved in the fight as any of us, she’s been born into it just as surely as you have.”
He shook his head. “Not like this. She’s not supposed to fight. She’s not supposed to get wrapped up with Rhen.”
Dahlia and Eventine exchanged a look.
“What makes you say that?” Eventine asked carefully. This was exactly what she’d been talking about. Exactly what Trevor was upset with her for. Someone was finally going to say it.
“She’s female,” Crew said, his face set like he knew the shit he was going to get for it, and he didn’t care. He had his arguments ready.
“I’m female,” Eventine said softly. “Should I fight?”
Crew gave her a dirty look. “You’re a wolfen. It’s different.”
“Is it? If Dahlia were a wolfen, would we be having this conversation? Or is this more about you not wanting to lose her? Maybe more about the way you grew up, and about how scared all of you are that you’ve only gotten a short time to be with your mates?”
The door behind them opened. Rogue and Mac tromped in. “Don’t tell me someone died,” Rogue said when she saw everyone’s faces.
Eventine wasn’t sure whether to be glad Rogue was there or not. The female got to the point, always, but she didn’t seem to know or care when she was out of line. Sometimes it was a good thing. Sometimes, it wasn’t.
“No one has died,” Eventine said, deciding it was a good thing. “But Crew doesn’t want Dahlia to help me get to the meadow because she’s female.”
Rogue rolled her eyes. “Crew, what’s your deal? You turning sexist on us?”
Crew stood up and faced Rogue, then gave up before he got started and faced Mac. “Mac, get your female under control, or can’t you even handle that?”
“Oh boy,” Rogue said. “Somebody get this guy a dictionary and a button that says: Sexism equals bad.” She rolled her eyes again, facing off with Crew. “That was stupid as shit.”
Crew growled, Mac growled back, and Dahlia shot to her feet, pushing her mate backwards toward the hallway, trying to get him away from Rogue and Mac.
“Grr, grr, grr,” Rogue said. “You’re all so scary. Not. Still fucking sexist, though.”
Crew shook his head. “That came out wrong, but seriously, someone talk some sense into someone. Dahlia�
��s not getting involved and that’s my final word.”
Dahlia pushed at her mate, trying to get him to back up, throwing a look at Eventine. “Just give me two minutes,” she said. Crew looked like he wasn’t going to back up until Dahlia twisted one of his nipples, making him yelp and turn a hurt look on her. They disappeared into a back bedroom.
Rogue flopped into the chair Dahlia had vacated. “We can’t find Jaggar anywhere.”
Eventine nodded tightly. “I figured. That’s why I need Dahlia’s help.”
Rogue made a sour face. “If it works, if you make it to this meadow, how long will you be gone?”
Eventine shook her head. “I don’t know.”
Mac sat in the chair next to Rogue, his legs wide, his muscles rippling, his nostrils flaring as he scented the breeze coming in from the open window. “I’m surprised you even want to go back,” he said. “Aren’t you freaked you’ll get stuck there?”
“I’m trying not to think about that,” Eventine said, although she didn’t think it was possible, or probable. “It can’t be helped. If Rhen is equal to Khain, she has to actively help us. She can’t talk in riddles anymore.”
In truth, Eventine had only one goal once she got to the meadow, if she got to the meadow. Everything she was saying was true, but the most important thing to Eventine was Leilani. Leilani and Jaggar deserved their shot at this happiness thing, at the chance to live full lives of purpose, more than any of the rest of them did. Somehow, Eventine felt that Leilani was the key to everything that came next. Not Leilani’s power, but Leilani’s redemption. If they couldn’t make things right for Leilani and Jaggar, they wouldn’t be able to make things right for anyone, so Eventine was pulling out all her tricks, calling in all her favors, using every bit of influence she had, or should have, in order to secure Leilani’s future. If Rhen really was her mother, she had no greater trump card than that.
Crew and Dahlia returned. Crew’s expression was irritated. He moved behind the couch where Leilani seemed to be sleeping, a soft blanket pulled up to her neck, her eyes closed, her face relaxed.
