When it was over, a beautiful older woman approached me timidly, but with urgency in her eyes.
“My husband has something for you,” she said. Her voice made a shiver run through me. “I asked him three times, are you sure you want to give this to her?” she said, shaking her head. “He has never even thought of giving it to someone else. He’s carried it with him every day for years…”
Full of curiosity, I let her lead me out of earshot of the others to an older gentleman. He was a little taller than me, with gentleness and great wisdom etched upon his face.
It was his eyes that caught me, however. They were compelling and filled with tears as he grasped my hand and pressed something cool and weighty into my palm. In awe, I glanced down to see a large silver coin with wings on one side and writing on the other. It was a 10th Special Forces Group coin inscribed with his name and his many years in service. It read: De Oppresso Liber—Free the Oppressed.
The man, whose name was Jack Lawson, could hardly speak for the emotion welling up inside him. “As I sat and listened to your speech, I told my wife, I know I have carried it all those years for her.” I gasped at the enormity of what he was saying to me. “I’ve gone behind enemy lines around the world,” he continued. “So many fathers came to me in the fields of Vietnam, eastern bloc countries, and Africa, where they would bring me their daughters and beg me, ‘Take my daughter! Take my daughter!’ as they believed I could somehow give her a better life than what she was destined for in their fields and their cities and their brothels.
“In all the work that I have done,” he said, his voice breaking, “I realized that I carried this coin for twenty-five years to give it this day to you.”
Words cannot describe how I felt as he wrapped my fingers around the coin and hugged me. I remain very humbled to have received that kind of acknowledgment. I’m not different from any other person on earth, and with the greatest of reverence, I honor the journey of each person, and their purpose. Like Jack and so many others, I happened to have experienced enough fire and then had the opportunity to step into a moment of truth. I think we each have many of those moments in life. It’s what we choose to do with them that counts.
In both the pages of my past and those of my people, horrendous atrocities have occurred. It is a reality. Yet most of us dared not stand against it. We became enslaved to our denial, and the sickness of our secrecy became a breeding ground for supreme societal control.
Like the others, I strictly adhered to the belief that one man’s way was the only way: first my father, then the Prophet, and then Warren. One man could—and in our belief system should—have literally dictated every aspect of my life, especially as a woman. We all suffered, men, women, and children, believing this one man was beyond reproach simply because of his title. “The Prophet always does right” was the extreme brainwashing. It robbed us of our ability to determine healthy or unhealthy decisions regarding our very own lives. Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, we were not supposed to see what was behind the curtain, but I finally discovered how critical it was to take away names and titles and look honestly at patterns of behavior. I had to analyze Warren’s behavior with absolute honesty. But I also had to take gut-wrenching, personal inventory to own up to my own accountability. It was only in that moment of brutal honesty that I was able to gather the strength and courage to flee from what I had finally and clearly defined as oppression.
Interestingly enough, later in Texas when I was introduced by Dr. Beall to the personal bill of rights, I was stunned and almost speechless. I felt a surge of deep, honest recognition, as if my soul knew these rights and had wondered up to that moment why God didn’t allow women to have them. In my society, and even during the trials in Texas, I hated it when men and defense lawyers would say, “You had every right to ______”—whatever their argument was. But I was quick to clarify that women did not have every right. With few exceptions, results show that men’s and women’s rights are vastly different in the FLDS, because women are treated as chattel, to be yoked and chained and traded like mere possessions and property. Those who say that women have the same rights within the FLDS culture are either misinformed or not telling the truth.
Perhaps one of my biggest lessons was learning the healthy difference between passive, aggressive, and assertive characteristics of behavior. I think this is one of the great balances necessary for healthy individuals and cultures, and I have considered it carefully. To be passive means you don’t stand up for your own rights. To be aggressive means that you stand up for your rights while not honoring the rights of others. Both of these patterns of unhealthy behavior were dominant in our society, with men and women in substantial measure and in all of their relationships. What was missing was assertiveness, as it was predominantly programmed right out of us. Assertiveness means that you stand up for your rights while honoring the rights of others. It is difficult to be manipulated or to manipulate others when you are genuinely assertive, so that was why it was a danger in a culture built on manipulation.
I have watched some of my siblings on the outside develop this healthy, powerful quality of assertiveness, as well as other members who have left. In regard to my siblings and parents, we are each still on our own unique journey. My mother, two youngest sisters, plus three older sisters are still deeply entrenched within the FLDS, at least for now. My family members who have left or been kicked out often struggle to bond together. We learned how to shield one another in battle but are still learning how to love fully. I readily admit some mistakes I’ve made in alternately opening my heart and shutting it off again when it has felt threatened. But the beauty I see lies in the possibilities. Since I am not the same person I was ten or even five years ago, I choose not to hold another person hostage to anything except their magnificence. I certainly will not label what others are or are not capable of because of my choices, fears, and humanness.
I have seen miracles happen. I have tasted the deliciousness of life in their midst! And I will forever believe in miracles and in people. We are not alone in our struggles and our triumphs in the outside world. This is why I believe transformation is possible. It is the true spirit of Genshai—the delicate balance needed for transformative change to occur: transformation of a person, of a community, of a nation, and of a world.
I know it is possible, one person at a time.
One of the earliest photos I have of myself.
Practicing the violin.
On my grandfather’s ranch with one of my brothers.
Always an eager student, here I am on my way to kindergarten.
All of my unmarried sisters and me in the front yard of our father’s home; I’m fourth from the right.
Having just finished sewing my wedding dress in Canada, and getting ready to leave the next morning for my Utah wedding, I engaged in a little target practice.
On my wedding night with Rulon, my smile masking the fear and confusion I felt.
During a rare unsupervised visit to St. George with my mother and sisters, it got so hot that we went swimming—fully dressed, of course.
With my sisters in St. George.
On the day of the fifth anniversary of my wedding to Rulon.
One rare reprieve from my married life was weekend street hockey games with friends and family members; here I am advancing the puck.
Ben and me with Kyle on the Oregon shore. The ocean was such a healing presence for us as we built our new lives outside the FLDS.
With my Opry Band in Coos Bay after a Christmas performance.
Our wedding day at the Cedar Grill. Michelle was so kind and supportive to us both during this time.
My mother and me with Kyle in Cottonwood Park in Colorado City, the last time I saw her.
Courtesy of the Eldorado Success
An aerial shot of the YFZ ranch during the raid.
Courtesy of the Eldorado Success
The temple annex where I spent a great deal of time working with Texas Rangers.
&
nbsp; Courtesy of the Eldorado Success
For the first time ever, television news crews were allowed onto the ranch.
With Sister Mary Grace during the raid.
After testifying at the Tom Green County Courthouse during Warren’s trial, I was photographed with Texas attorney general Greg Abbott.
Courtesy of the Eldorado Success
Being escorted from the courthouse by two of the attorney general’s investigators after testifying against Warren.
Courtesy of the Eldorado Success
Moments after being sentenced to life plus twenty years, Warren was led out of the courthouse for the last time.
Courtesy of Samuel Martin Photography
My beautiful children, Kyle and Natalia, who inspire and astound me every day.
Acknowledgments
From Rebecca Musser:
I have been touched and blessed by literally hundreds who directly and indirectly supported us in the writing and creation of this book. What I wouldn’t give to mention you all! Please know that the spirit of your contribution resides within these pages.
For my new life outside the FLDS, I express my love and gratitude for so many people who have become family, believing in me when others believed I was evil incarnate. I will be forever grateful for those who helped me sort myself out in Coos Bay: Michelle Inskeep; Martha, Leah, and Mary Houghton; Dr. Bob and Kim Richards; Vinnie and Alison Cavarra; Martin and Sequoia Abts; Jona Artz, Carol Jackson, and my Opry family at the Little Theater on the Bay. In Idaho and Utah, my special love and thanks to my children’s adopted “grandparents” and very special friends, Wayne and Pat Stutzman. I am forever grateful for your example of charity and love for me and my extended family. I would like to acknowledge my brother Todd, and his daughter Lexi, who have come through insurmountable odds to create a new life, and whose acceptance and love have continued to inspire me; and to Megan Galligar, whose love has helped to deeply heal in unexplainable ways. I express appreciation and great love as well to Kara Currey, Kim Bruce, Robin Hollis, Craig and Kristin Van Engelen, Tiffany Mills, Zanny Young, Sarah Dutson, Dianne Hawkins, Leslie Ward, John and Jane Close, Ben Musser, Jill Reiher, Brian and Sandy Kendall, Jim and Tijon Moore, the Gardner family, the Dan Fischer family, and Bonnie Jackson. Special thanks to those who were so patient in the writing of this story and who came to be a part of it: BreeAnna, McKenzie, and Brent Cook; along with Doug Burch and his daughter Baily; and Eric and Val Gibbons.
It is impossible for me to name every Texan who deserves acknowledgment for his or her incredible service in the quest for truth and the protection of FLDS children. I especially wish to acknowledge the families of every person who put forth the grueling efforts behind the FLDS investigation. Your sacrifice has not gone unnoticed. With special thanks to Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott; all attorney general officers and staff not limited to but including the incredible Angela Goodwin, Eric Nichols, and Wes Hensley; all legal assistants in and out of the courts; all investigators on behalf of the state of Texas; all attorneys and guardians ad litem who volunteered their time on behalf of the FLDS children; the Texas Fugitive Units, who provided security for every trial; the Texas Department of Public Safety’s officers and staff; every Texas Ranger, most particularly Brooks Long and Nick Hanna; and Fifty-First District Court judge Barbara Walther.
In addition, I must acknowledge all those in their untiring efforts to bring compassion and continued justice: the county clerks and office staff of Schleicher and Tom Green counties; court reporter Debbie Harris; the Schleicher County sheriff’s office and staff, with special thanks to David and Lenette Doran and George Arispe; the Christoval Carmelite Monastery; the presiding judges of Tom Green and surrounding counties; all the jury members for your untiring efforts to hand out fair and even justice; and finally, the Texas CPS investigators and the numerous staff who spent countless hours in their attempts to protect women and children. May you all be blessed a thousandfold for your momentous efforts in a case that was supposed to be minuscule and turned out to be larger than Enron in terms of manpower, dollars, and evidence. I also must thank the families of each of these people. I know firsthand the many sacrifices you made while your loved ones served on this enormous case. Special thanks to Bitsy Stone, Sam Brower, and Kathy and Randy Mankin as well as others who followed the story through the years, seeing beyond the propaganda to the human drama unfolding before their eyes—and helped wherever you could to bring truth and compassion.
I would not be the advocate I am today without the professional support and coaching of powerful, inspiring mentors who helped me to heal myself before reaching out to serve others: my special Idaho counselors—you know who you are; Dr. Larry Beall; Dave Blanchard, Og Mandino Group; Mike Johnstone; Michael Ken; Tiffany Berg; Carrie Purser; Kevin and Sherry Hall; Pat and Jack Lawson; Greg and Melodie Neel; Matt Spencer Photography and Sam Marvin Photography; and Sam Silverstein and Mike Domitz. Also, I would like to acknowledge several powerful organizations: SHEROESUnited.org; Positively Positive; Nuskin; my friends in both the Idaho real estate community and in the Genshai community.
Bridget and I are so honored to work with an amazing team in bringing this book together. First, special thanks to Margret McBride and Faye Atchison from the McBride Agency, for seeing the possibilities of this story and supporting us through the process of finding a fantastic publisher! And so to that wonderful publisher, beginning with the visionary mind of Jamie Raab, who saw that this was more than a story and could be an entire movement, and to the extraordinarily talented Emily Griffin from Hachette, who has patiently assisted us in whittling away at the voluminous manuscript to make it intrinsically valuable to the readers while preserving the essence of Rebecca flowing within its pages. Thanks also to Mark Steven Long for copyediting. And thanks to Eric Rayman for his advice and assistance. And to publicist Linda Duggins, working so graciously and effectively with media.
You wouldn’t be holding this particular book in your hands if it weren’t for my coauthor, Bridget Cook, who shared her gifts on this project. Testifying more than twenty times on meticulous details about my life, never had anyone asked me, “How did you feel when…?” I had no idea I had so much intense, unexpressed emotion inside. Bridget had the courage to walk beside me as I shared the darkest points of my life and even my unresolved pain. Yet she did it without planting seeds of hatred or vindication. Instead, she supported me in bringing light and healing to the most painful memories and joyously welcoming the future. She has cried with me, celebrated with me, laughed with me, and most of all, she has loved me and my children. In Natalia’s words, “My friend Bridget is one of my favorites!” I wholeheartedly agree, and I am forever grateful our paths have crossed. From the depth of my soul, I thank you, Bridget.
Last, but not least, I am honored to give special acknowledgment to a coach and mentor who made me seek bigger and fly higher than I ever thought possible: Kim Flynn at KimFlynn.com.
And finally, I joyfully honor all of the angels along the way who have been beacons of light, have touched our lives, and breathed hope into the writing of this book. You know who you are, and so do we. Namaste.
From Bridget Cook:
Before any other acknowledgments, I first salute the courage and strength it took for Rebecca Musser to share intricate and often painful memories in the desire to serve her people and others. With her nearly eidetic memory, it’s obvious why her ability has continually impressed members of law enforcement and baffled defense attorneys. From her interviews alone, I gathered enough material for well more than three volumes of her remarkable journey. She brought that willingness to be truthful and authentic in the courtroom directly into this book. Thank you, Rebecca, for your profound legacy.
I am exceptionally grateful for the literally hundreds of hours of interviews among those Rebecca listed in Utah, Idaho, and Oregon, and especially the men and women of Texas, who considerately took the time to make sure the events and facts of a very complex situation
were accurate, namely, Eric Nichols, Brooks Long, Wes Hensley, Nick Hanna, and David Doran. Special thanks to Carmen Dusek, Randol Stout, and others who strove diligently to represent the children and bring fairness and compassion. And to Bitsy and Sara, for your gracious hospitality.
I would like to thank Ezra Draper, Zanny Young, Brent Jeffs, and many others for providing additional insight into having been raised within the FLDS. May you continue to discover your rich, innate value as you discover a new world. To those still in polygamy because they believe in it, thank you for honestly sharing your views.
Rebecca and I both express deep gratitude to the following: Holly Hansen, Cindy Iman, Steve and Maureen Burch, Emily Cox, Jessica Parry, Emily Christopolus, Pat Werling, and Jeanne Doyle. Your multiple perspectives from within the mainstream LDS culture and from outside of it, your honesty in editing and your willingness to assist helped to create a more balanced and informed view and, frankly, a much better book. History leaves tremendous clues in the study of a particular people. Special thanks to two of the foremost scholars on the subject of polygamy, Newell Bringhurst and Craig Foster, who have provided an overview of polygamy from the early beginnings with Joseph Smith down to the present day of the FLDS with refreshing objectivity. Their essay can be found on a website existing at the time of publication: www.TheWitnessWoreRed.com/appendix.
The Witness Wore Red: The 19th Wife Who Brought Polygamous Cult Leaders to Justice Page 38
