by Jessie Keane
When their shift started, Suki circulated with her tray and was kept busy for the first half an hour; then she took a moment at the bar and had a look over at the Greeks on their table right beside the stage. One was big and hook-nosed. Spiro. The other one was small, slight, and smiled a lot as Vicky and one of the other girls brought drinks to the table. That was Nikos.
There was another man at the table with them who didn’t look Greek though. He was big, even sitting down. He had close-cropped mid-brown hair feathering into grey, and a strong-boned face that was arrestingly handsome. There was a tough, very masculine look about him, and a cut over his brow, like he’d been in a fight. When the man turned his head she could see that his eyes were pale, maybe grey. She could see suffering, and sweetness, when she looked into those eyes. He was staring at her, frowning.
When she smiled at him, he just looked back at her, his expression blank. It made her feel nervous. So she moved away, went back to her tables.
87
Josh felt like he’d taken a punch straight to the gut.
Claire?
She was there, standing over by the bar, wearing a shell-pink costume. Her hair was as it had always been, blonde, lustrous; her eyes were blue and her impish smile was just the same.
It was her. It was his Claire, the same Claire he had walked through the meadows with . . .
It gave him such a jolt it made his head spin. He reached for his glass of Bushmills single malt and emptied it quickly, then took another look. No. It wasn’t Claire. Claire would be in her forties. This girl was in her twenties. But she looked so like his lost love.
‘Excuse me,’ he said to his hosts, and stood up and walked over to the bar, his eyes searching. She was gone.
Fucking hell, he thought. Now what was happening? He was getting punch-drunk, that’s what it was. Seeing old flames when they weren’t there at all. Imagining things. This was what every boxer feared; that he would get punchy in the head and start seeing gremlins crawling out of the wallpaper. A lot of people said the greatest, Ali, had got Parkinson’s from brain damage sustained in the ring.
It’s happening to me, he thought. I’ve got to give this fucking game up.
He would go home. Retire. Live a life of ease and luxury. Which ought to make him feel happy and relieved and hopeful. Only it didn’t. It just made him feel depressed. Yes, there was Connor. But also he had a wife he hated, and Aysha – and his doubts over her parentage had never left him, much as he had tried over the years to set them to rest, to be kind to her as a true father should be.
‘Can I help you, sir?’ asked a female voice beside him.
He turned. It was her. She was looking up at his face and he thought again, Oh Claire, it’s you, it’s you at last.
He had missed her, longed for her so much. Settled for a poor second-best with Shauna, who was a treacherous bitch.
But it wasn’t Claire and he wasn’t punch-drunk. This girl was American, with a southern twang to her accent. Now he could see the differences. This one’s face was broader; she was more inclined to smile, she didn’t have Claire’s quiet, calm demeanour. She had a mole on her left cheek and Claire didn’t. He stared down into those blue eyes and said the only thing he could think of.
‘You’re extremely pretty.’
She looked uncertain for a moment and almost seemed to sway back, away from him as if he might be a lunatic or something; he knew his sheer size was intimidating. But then her mouth turned upward in a smile. She had pretty teeth, small, well-formed. She looked into his eyes and then raised a hand to the cut over his left eye, brushed against it very gently.
‘What happened to you?’ she asked.
‘I was in a fight,’ he said.
‘You shouldn’t get into fights. It’s not a good idea.’
‘It’s what I do.’
‘What does that mean?’ She tilted her head, curious.
‘I’m a boxer.’
‘Get out of here!’ Her smile widened.
‘It’s true.’
‘Did you have a fight tonight?’
‘I did. What’s your name?’
‘It’s . . .’
Claire. She’s going to say Claire, and then I’ll know I’m lying spark-out on the canvas and I’m dreaming this . . .
‘Suki Vance,’ she said.
‘You remind me of someone I knew a long time ago.’
‘Do I?’ Suki looked at him curiously. ‘What’s her name?’
‘Claire. Claire Milo.’
Suki stared at him.
‘I lost her years ago, back in England. We were engaged.’
Now Suki was eyeing him with suspicion. ‘Your name’s not Cleaver, is it?’
Josh stiffened in surprise. ‘What the . . . no, it’s not. How do you know that name?’
Suki was backing away from him. ‘Nah, forget I said anything. It’s been nice meeting you, but I have to get on.’
‘I’m Josh Flynn,’ said Josh, holding out a hand, willing her not to go. He was watching her face with acute curiosity.
Suki eyed his hand for a moment. It was big and scarred, the knuckles scraped. Then she shook it. ‘Hello, Mr Flynn,’ she said, and hurried away.
As soon as she could get free, Suki went up to Claire’s office.
‘Claire? Claire!’ she called, rushing in. ‘Mom’ was beyond her, for the moment. It was all too new, too strange.
‘Hey, where’s the fire?’ Claire laughed, looking up from what she was writing.
Suki threw herself into a chair and stared at her mother. ‘There’s a man down in the bar says he knew you years ago.’
‘Right. Who is he then, this mystery man?’ Claire was still jotting things down, barely paying attention.
‘His name’s Josh Flynn. And he’s a boxer. He says you were engaged.’
Claire dropped the pen. She looked at Suki and all the colour left her face, just drained out of her, leaving her deathly white. She started to shake.
‘Jesus! You all right?’ Suki hurried around the desk and clutched at Claire anxiously. The physical contact felt strange – but also kind of nice. ‘Do you know him then? Is it true?’
Claire shrugged Suki off and stood up, her knees trembling. ‘Show me,’ she said.
‘There. There he is, with the Constantinou brothers. You see?’
Claire came down the stairs after Suki and stopped dead. The noise of the club in full flow was cut off from her all of a sudden. Time stood still as her eyes found him. It was Josh. Older, yes. But the same. Her Josh. She put a hand to her mouth in shock. Suddenly there were tears pouring down her face.
‘You want to come over with me? Say hello?’ said Suki, watching her mother with concern. She was frightened Claire might pass out; she looked dazed, shaken.
Claire could only nod. She followed Suki across the room, weaving among the packed tables, dodging hostesses hurrying around with trays of drinks and empty glasses. Spiro looked up. Then Nikos. Finally, Josh. He saw Suki standing there. Suki stepped aside and they were face to face, Josh and Claire.
Josh slowly stood up. Claire was standing right there in front of him.
‘Hey, what’s this?’ joked Spiro. Then he saw the tears staining Claire’s face, her stricken expression, and his smile dropped away. ‘What’s going on? You two know each other?’
‘Yeah,’ said Josh, his eyes never once leaving Claire’s face. ‘Yeah, we do.’
‘Josh,’ said Claire, and then her tears became laughter. ‘Oh Jesus! Josh!’
They moved together then. Claire threw herself into Josh’s arms and he lifted her clean off her feet, spun around with her, kissing her beloved face, crushing her against him.
‘I can’t believe it, I can’t believe it,’ he was saying over and over in a choked voice. ‘Claire. My darling, my Claire.’
Spiro looked at Suki, who was standing there grinning and blinking back tears at the same time. All around them, people were staring, forgetting their conversations, smiling, watchin
g Claire and Josh together. Something big was happening here, something momentous.
Then Josh set Claire back on her feet. He swiped at his eyes. Couldn’t believe it. He was crying.
‘Where the fuck have you been?’ he asked her, cupping her face in his hands. She was shivering with emotion. ‘What did you do, where did you go? No! Don’t worry, it doesn’t matter. You’re here now. You’re here.’
And he kissed her, Claire who had danced through the meadows with him when they were young, Claire who he had lost but finally, miraculously, found again.
88
Claire took some days off and she and Josh spent time together, just walking, eating together. He showed her around the grand Waldorf Astoria and took her up to his hotel room. Kissed her. Claire quickly pulled away.
‘Josh . . .’
‘Yeah, honey?’
‘There are things about me you don’t know,’ she said, looking troubled. She nodded her head toward the bedroom. ‘I mean, I’m not sure I can . . .’
Josh’s eyes were intent on her face. ‘You’ve been married, I suppose?’
Claire shook her head.
‘But the girl. The one who looks so like you, I thought that was your daughter.’
‘Suki? She is.’
‘Yet you’re still nervous about sex?’ he asked gently.
He looked at her, trying to read her mind. So she’d had an illegitimate child. He wasn’t worried about that, why should he be? But she looked closed off from him all of a sudden, and that disturbed him.
‘I got married,’ said Josh. ‘Can’t say it’s been a happy marriage, but I’ve got two kids. Connor. And Aysha.’
‘I’m sorry if you’re unhappy,’ said Claire.
‘I married Shauna Everett.’
Claire’s face was blank with shock.
‘She came away with me the night you disappeared. Pushed herself in, really. And I was so fucking upset at losing you that I let her. Then she got pregnant with Connor, and it was a done deal, I had to marry her.’
‘Good God.’ Claire stared at him in horror. ‘So she got what she wanted after all. She wanted you – and she got you.’
‘I wanted you. I never wanted her.’
‘I need to explain things to you,’ said Claire. ‘Can I do that? Tomorrow, over lunch? Suki will join us and then you might understand.’
‘Sure.’ He was hurt. She was saying no to making love with him and he didn’t understand why. But he could wait. God, he’d waited long enough, a little more time wouldn’t hurt him. ‘Claire?’
‘Hm?’ She was cuddled in against him and he was holding her tight.
He lifted her chin. ‘Whenever you’re ready, OK? And even if you never are, that won’t change how I feel about you. That’s the truth.’
Claire’s brow cleared and she smiled sadly up at him. ‘You’re such a sweet man, Josh Flynn,’ she said. ‘You always were.’
‘So kiss me,’ he said, and she did.
Josh booked them a table next day for lunch at his hotel and Claire joined him there at one o’clock. She came into the restaurant alone. He looked around. ‘Where’s Suki?’
‘She’s coming for the pudding course, she thought we’d need a little time to chat first.’
They settled at the table and Josh ordered wine. Then the waiter left them the menus and departed. They stared at each other across the table. Josh held out his hand and smiling, Claire took it.
‘This has been a strange time for me,’ said Claire. ‘I’ve only recently found Suki, and now you show up here too.’
Josh frowned. ‘What does that mean, you “found” Suki?’
Claire took a breath and then she told him that she had given Suki away shortly after her birth, but that Suki had tracked her down.
‘What, you didn’t want her? Why was that? Were you having trouble making ends meet?’
The wine waiter came back, poured a little into Josh’s glass. Josh nodded, and he poured more and left the bottle.
‘I’m going to need this,’ said Claire, taking a gulp of the wine. ‘No, I wasn’t having money troubles. I had a good job at the club, and marvellous friends around me. But Suki . . .’ Claire shook her head. ‘Oh, Josh, I hate to even talk about it.’
The waiter came back and took their order. Then Josh looked at Claire. ‘Go on,’ he said.
Claire started to speak. She told him about all that had happened on the night she vanished from his life. About Ciaran and Jeb Cleaver and Shauna coming up to her in the lane. Them killing Blue and burying his remains in the church in the dell. The rape inside the little church that she had always loved so much. The threat from Shauna that she would join Blue and all her family in death if she didn’t clear out and never come back. The fact that the brutal rape she suffered led to her giving birth to Suki. Running away, first to Ireland and then to America, terrified for her life.
Josh listened throughout. Their meal arrived and neither of them ate a thing. Claire kept talking. Finally, she fell silent.
‘Say something,’ she said when he sat there, stunned, appalled by all that he had heard.
‘She did that to you. Shauna. Set those Cleaver bastards on you?’ he said. He wanted to hit something. He was incandescent with fury. From what Rowan Cleaver had told him, he thought they’d just thrown a scare into Claire; not that they’d raped her.
Claire nodded.
‘Holy shit,’ said Josh, and drained his wine. Ciaran was dead and out of reach. But Jeb wasn’t. ‘I’m going to kill that low-life son of a bitch,’ he said.
Claire looked alarmed at that. She caught his hand. ‘No! If you do anything to him, then Shauna could find out. She’d know that you know. And how could you have heard that, except from me? Promise me you won’t start anything? You have to promise me!’
Josh shook his head.
‘Please!’ said Claire. She was thinking of Eva, Pally and Trace.
He looked at her. ‘You’re still frightened of her? Even now?’
‘She threatened my parents, and Trace. She meant it. Please promise.’
‘All right. I do.’
The waiter came over, looked at their untouched plates with concern. ‘Is everything all right with your meal?’ he asked.
‘Yeah, it’s fine, just take the plates away, will you?’ said Josh.
‘I’m sorry,’ said Claire. ‘This must be such a shock to you.’
‘Christ,’ he muttered, his brain spinning.
Josh was thinking that Shauna’s evil truly knew no bounds. She’d shoved Claire aside and railroaded him into marriage. She’d got her way. But then – Shauna always did, didn’t she? He thought of Claire standing in his suite upstairs, looking nervously through the open door at the bed there. Then he thought of all she’d been through.
‘God, I’m sorry,’ he said, choked with emotion. ‘I should have been there to protect you. I was an arsehole. I was stupid.’
‘You were young,’ said Claire. ‘Look – here’s Suki.’
Josh stood up and somehow smiled, greeted Suki. But his head was still full of what Claire had told him, and his heart was consumed with loathing for his wife – and the Cleavers.
89
The three of them meeting up for lunch became a regular thing. Every week, Josh Claire and Suki met and talked and laughed, and Josh began to think that Suki was like another daughter; she was the image of her mother and she was a charming girl, ebullient, very American and forthright. And Suki liked him.
Claire and Josh had regained all their old closeness, but still sex was off the agenda, which was fair enough, he thought; she had good reason to be wary of the whole idea.
One spring day after meeting Claire and Suki for lunch in a recently opened diner that was getting rave reviews, Josh walked a couple of blocks and then hailed a cab back to his hotel. When he got to his room, a telephone call came through. It was Shauna.
‘Hi,’ he said, wondering how he could sound so normal when in fact his whole world had been
turned arse-backwards. This bitch and her low-life mates had hurt Claire. He’d disliked Shauna for a lot of years, detested her domineering ways and her scheming and her poncey aspirations, but now all that had turned into stark, black hatred.
‘Josh, can you come home?’ she said.
‘Why? What’s up?’
He didn’t want to go home. He wanted the next day to pass quickly so that he could see Claire again.
‘There’s been trouble. I’ve been putting off telling you this. Didn’t want to bother you.’
‘What?’
‘It’s Aysha.’
Josh’s attention sharpened. ‘Aysha? She all right?’
‘Josh, I hope you’re sitting down. She’s pregnant, and it’s Joey Minghella’s.’
Josh flopped back on to the bed. ‘Fuck’s sake,’ he said angrily. ‘You kidding me?’
‘You need to come home, Josh. We have to talk about this.’
The thought filled him with dread. He didn’t want to leave Claire. He was worried that if she was out of his sight he could lose her again. ‘Yeah. Sure.’
Christ! Of all the times for Aysha to get herself in trouble. There was a bout planned for next Saturday, but he was going to have to cancel. Then he thought again of Claire with her gentle blue eyes, the love of his life. If he got involved with her now, this was how his life would be: he would be torn in two, ripped in half between his family in England and his lover in the States. Wanting to be with her, needing to be there for his kids. But he was involved with her. He couldn’t help that.
When Shauna got off the phone, he called the club, wanting to speak to Claire, to explain. But she was out, so he left a message with Nick the barman and arranged for a flight out next day, back to the UK.
90
Connor collected his dad from the airport, hugged him warmly, took his bag.
‘Your mother told me the news about Aysha,’ said Josh as Connor drove them home in the Porsche.
‘I’m fucking furious about it,’ said Connor. ‘That bastard Joey Minghella, what a prize he is.’
‘Whole Minghella family’s a washout.’
‘She’s besotted with that cunt. What can you do?’
