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The boys were learning. As she talked they didnt watch her figure. They watched her fingers.
And thus, she said, let us consider the position before the founding of the Guild. In this city, and indeed in many places elsewhere, civilisation is nurtured and progresses by the dynamic interplay of interests among many large and powerful advantage cartels.
In the days before the founding of the Guild the seeking of advancement among these consortia invariably resulted in regrettable disagreements which were terminated with extreme prejudice. These were extremely deleterious to the common interest of the city. Please understand that where disharmony rules, commerce flags.
And yet, and yet. She clasped her hands to her bosom. There was a creak like a galleon beating against a gale.
Clearly there was a need for an extreme yet responsible means of settling irreconcilable differences, she went on, and thus was laid the groundwork for the Guild. What bliss - the sudden peak in her voice guiltily jerked several dozen young men out of their private reveries - it must have been to have been present in those early days, when men of stout moral purpose set out to forge the ultimate political tool short of warfare. How fortunate you are now, in training for a guild which demands so much in terms of manners, deportment, bearing and esoteric skills, and yet offers a power once the preserve only of the gods. Truly, the world is the mollusc of your choice . . .
Chidder translated much of this behind the stables during the dinner break.
I know what Terminate with Extreme Prejudice means, said Cheesewright loftily. It means to inhume with an axe.
It bloody well doesnt, said Chidder.
How do you know, then?
My family have been in commerce for years, said Chidder.
Huh, said Cheesewright. Commerce.
Chidder never went into details about what kind of commerce it was. It had something to do with moving items around and supplying needs, but exactly what items and which needs was never made clear.
After hitting Cheesewright he explained carefully that Terminate with Extreme Prejudice did not simply require that the victim was inhumed, preferably in an extremely thorough way, but that his associates and employees were also intimately involved, along with the business premises, the building, and a large part of the surrounding neighbourhood, so that everyone involved would know that the man had been unwise enough to make the kind of enemies who could get very angry and indiscriminate.
Gosh, said Arthur.
Oh, thats nothing, said Chidder, one Hogswatchnight my grandad and his accounts department went and had a high-level business conference with the Hubside people and fifteen bodies were never found. Very bad, that sort of thing. Upsets the business community.
All the business community, or just that part of it floating face down in the river? said Teppic.
Thats the point. Better it should be like this, said Chidder, shaking his head. You know. Clean. Thats why my father said I should join the Guild. I mean, youve got to get on with the business these days, you cant spend your whole time on public relations.
The end of the crossbow trembled.
He liked everything else about the school, the climbing, the music studies, the broad education. It was the fact that you ended up killing people that had been preying on his mind. Hed never killed anyone.
Thats the whole point, he told himself. This is where everyone finds out if you can, including you.
If I get it wrong now, Im dead.
In his corner, Mericet began to hum a discouraging little tune.
There was a price the Guild paid for its licence. It saw to it that there were no careless, half-hearted or, in a manner of speaking, murderously inefficient assassins. You never met anyone whod failed the test.
People did fail. You just never met them. Maybe there was one under there, maybe it was Chidder, even, or Snoxall or any one of the lads. They were all doing the run this evening. Maybe if he failed hed be bundled under there.
Teppic tried to sight on the recumbent figure.
Ahem, coughed the examiner.
His throat was dry. Panic rose like a drunkards supper.
His teeth wanted to chatter. His spine was freezing, his clothes a collection of damp rags. The world slowed down. No. He wasnt going to. The sudden decision hit him like a brick in a dark alley, and was nearly as surprising. It wasnt that he hated the Guild, or even particularly disliked Mericet, but this wasnt the way to test anyone. It was just wrong.
He decided to fail. Exactly what could the old man do about it, here?
And hed fail with flair.
He turned to face Mericet, looked peacefully into the examiners eyes, extended his crossbow hand in some vague direction to his right, and pulled the trigger.
There was a metallic twang.
There was a click as the bolt ricocheted off a nail in the window sill. Mericet ducked as it whirred over his head. It hit a torch bracket on the wall, and went past Teppics white face purring like a maddened cat.
There was a thud as it hit the blanket, and then silence.
Thank you, Mr Teppic. If you could bear with me just one moment.
The old assassin pored over his clipboard, his lips moving. He took the pencil, which dangled from it by a bit of frayed string, and made a few marks on a piece of pink paper.
I will not ask you to take it from my hands, he said, what with one thing and another. I shall leave it on the table by the door.
It wasnt a particularly pleasant smile: it was thin and dried-up, a smile with all the warmth long ago boiled out of it; people normally smiled like that when they had been dead for about two years under the broiling desert sun. But at least you felt he was making the effort.
Teppic hadnt moved. Ive passed? he said.
That would appear to be the case.
But-
I am sure you know that we are not allowed to discuss the test with pupils. However, I can tell you that I personally do not approve of these modern flashy techniques. Good morning to you. And Mericet stalked out.
Teppic tottered over to the dusty table by the door and looked down, horrified, at the paper. Sheer habit made him extract a pair of tweezers from his pouch in order to pick it up.
It was genuine enough. There was the seal of the Guild on it, and the crabbed squiggle that was undoubtedly Mericets signature; hed seen it often enough, generally at the bottom of test papers alongside comments like 3/10. See me.
He padded over to the figure on the bed and pulled back the blanket.
It was nearly one in the morning. Ankh-Morpork was just beginning to make a night of it.
It had been dark up above the rooftops, in the aerial world of thieves and assassins. But down below the life of the city flowed through the streets like a tide.
Teppic walked through the throng in a daze. Anyone else who tried that in the city was asking for a guided tour of the bottom of the river, but he was wearing assassins black and the crowd just automatically opened in front of him and closed behind. Even the pickpockets kept away. You never knew what you might find. He wandered aimlessly through the gates of the Guild House and sat down on a black marble seat, with his chin on his knuckles.
The fact was that his life had come to an end. He hadnt thought about what was going to happen next. He hadnt dared to think that there was going to be a next.
Someone tapped him on the shoulder. As he turned, Chidder sat down beside him and wordlessly produced a slip of pink paper.
Snap, he said.
You passed too? said Teppic.
Chidder grinned. No problem, he said. It was Nivor. No problem. He gave me a bit of trouble on the Emergency Drop, though. How about you?
Hmm? Oh. No. Teppic tried to get a grip on himself. No trouble, he said.
Heard from any of the others?
No.
Chidder leaned back. Cheesewright will make it, he said loftily, and young Arthur. I dont think som
e of the others will. We could give them twenty minutes, what do you say?
Teppic turned an agonised face towards him.
Chiddy, I-
What?
When it came to it, I-
"What about it?
Teppic looked at the cobbles. Nothing, he said.
Youre lucky - you just had a good airy run over the rooftops. I had the sewers and then up the garderobe in the Haberdashers Tower. I had to go in and change when I got here.
You had a dummy, did you? said Teppic.
Good grief, didnt you?
But they let us think it was going to be real! Teppic wailed.
It felt real, didnt it?
Yes!
Well, then. And you passed. So no problem.
But didnt you wonder who might be under the blanket, who it was, and why-
I was worried that I might not do it properly, Chidder admitted. But then I thought, well, its not up to me.
But I- Teppic stopped. What could he do? Go and explain? Somehow that didnt seem a terribly good idea.
His friend slapped him on the back.
Dont worry about it! he said. Weve done it!
And Chidder held up his thumb pressed against the first two fingers of his right hand, in the ancient salute of the assassins.
A thumb pressed against two fingers, and the lean figure of Dr Cruces, head tutor, looming over the startled boys. We do not murder, he said. It was a soft voice; the doctor never raised his voice, but he had a way of giving it the pitch and spin that could make it be heard through a hurricane. We do not execute. We do not massacre. We never, you may be very certain, we never torture. We have no truck with crimes of passion or hatred or pointless gain. We do not do it for a delight in inhumation, or to feed some secret inner need, or for petty advantage or for some cause or belief; I tell you, gentlemen, that all these reasons are in the highest degree suspect. Look into the face of a man who will kill you for a belief and your nostrils will snuff up the scent of abomination. Hear a speech declaring a holy war and, I assure you, your ears should catch the click of evils scales and the dragging of its monstrous tail over the purity of the language.
No, we do it for the money.
And, because we above all must know the value of a human life, we do it for the a great deal of money.
There can be few cleaner motives, so shorn of all pretence.
Nil mortifi, sine lucre. Remember. No killing without payment.
He paused for a moment.
And always give a reciept, he added.
So its all okay, said Chidder. Teppic nodded gloomily. That was what was so likeable about Chidder. He had this enviable ability to avoid thinking seriously about anything he did.
A figure approached cautiously through the open gates. [7]
The light from the torch in the porters lodge glinted off blond curly hair.
You two made it, then, said Arthur, nonchalantly flourishing the slip.
Arthur had changed quite a lot in seven years. The continuing failure of the Great Orm to wreak organic revenge for lack of piety had cured him of his tendency to run everywhere with his coat over his head. His small size gave him a natural advantage in those areas of the craft involving narrow spaces. His innate aptitude for channelled violence had been revealed on the day when Fliemoe and some cronies had decided it would be fun to toss the new boys in a blanket, and picked Arthur first; ten seconds later it had taken the combined efforts of every boy in the dormitory to hold Arthur back and prise the remains of the chair from his fingers. It had transpired that he was the son of the late Johan Ludorum, one of the greatest assasins in the history of the Guild. Sons of dead assasins always got a free scholarship. Yes, it could be a caring profession at times.
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