by Beth Flynn
I carefully opened the letter and let out a shriek of excitement when I saw that it contained another note inside. I took it out and glanced over at Rachelle as I pried open the envelope. I could feel her anxious eyes on me as I slowly read Christian's words. The back of my eyes started to burn and I willed myself not to cry. A physical punch to my gut would've felt better than the metaphorical one I was experiencing. It was sharp and debilitating.
"Mimi? Mimi, are you okay?" Rachelle asked me as she watched tears slowly spill down my cheeks. "Tell me those are happy tears," she said as she softly stroked my upper arm.
In less than thirty seconds my pure joy and exuberance had been replaced with confusion and sadness, followed by heaping doses of grief and humiliation.
"I'm almost too embarrassed to let you read this," I sniffed, wiping my cheeks with my left hand as I awkwardly tried to fold up the letter with my right.
Rachelle swiped it from me.
"Don't read it out loud. I don't think I can bear to listen to it," I pleaded, my skull pounding from an instant headache.
"Your supposed friend Christian is nothing but a bass hole," Rachelle spat. I usually laughed at her unique ways to avoid cussing. But at that moment, I couldn't imagine ever laughing again.
I wished my parents weren't going to be gone for three days. As much as I needed my cousin and best friend to console me, the thought of hearing her bash Christian all that time was too much. I knew she would be doing it to make me feel better, but it wouldn't work. The only thing I wanted to do was erase Christian Bear from my memory along with my embarrassment and heartbreak.
And that's what I'd intended to do when my parents returned, and Jason and I went home. Instead of throwing the letter away, I'd folded it up and hidden it in my Bible. I remembered asking God to erase my feelings for Christian, and more importantly to put the pieces of my heart back together. I thought He had because as the years passed I found myself thinking about Christian less and less.
"Mimi. Mimi!"
I was startled out of my memory as Christian waved his hand in front of my face.
"The last place to stop before we get home is coming up. Do you need to use the bathroom again or need anything for the house?"
I shook my head and let it rest against the seat as I silently watched him drive. I never opened that Bible again. It stayed on the bookshelf in my bedroom, eventually getting buried behind other books. As the years passed, I tried to convince myself that God had healed my heart.
I could see now that my heart had never healed from the sting of what I perceived to be Christian's rebuttal. If anything, it had been held together for years by my own makeshift bandage. Until now.
It had taken over four years, but I was beginning to believe that my original prayer was finally being answered. But not in the way I'd expected. God didn't erase the feelings that I'd had for Christian. If anything, God now allowed them to reveal themselves. I knew without a doubt that Christian Bear had established permanent residency in the center of my soul long ago. I could feel the bandages I'd wrapped around my heart disintegrating as the real healing began.
Chapter 26
Pumpkin Rest, South Carolina 2007
It was dark and chilly by the time we pulled up to the rental house. Once inside, Christian headed for the thermostat to turn up the heat, and I set out for the bedroom to dig through the clothes basket that held my warmer things. I put on some long johns under my nightshirt and proceeded to the great room where I found Christian standing in front of the fireplace with his back to me. He'd built a fire and the crackling wood and roaring blaze couldn't compete with my nervous anticipation of what that kiss meant and where it might lead.
As if sensing my presence he slowly turned around and looked me up and down. A lazy smile spread across his face and it occurred to me that it probably wouldn't lead anywhere since I was dressed for bed like a ten-year-old.
"I haven't showered since our hike this morning," he informed me. "Give me ten minutes and we can spend the rest of the night however you want." He grabbed me by my upper arms and pulled me toward him and planted a kiss on my forehead. A nice, loud, brotherly kiss.
I watched his backside as he strolled toward the bedroom and I blew out a long breath. Maybe it's for the best, I thought. We've been together a few days. Was I willing to give up what I'd protected from every other man when we would be going back to living our separate lives in different states? I spotted the baby grand piano in the corner. An expensive instrument to have in a rental house, I thought, but then again, it fit beautifully in this home.
True to his word he was back in ten minutes.
"I was gonna ask you to play for me," I heard him say from behind me. "I made sure to rent a house with a piano." He paused before adding, "For you."
I felt his hands on each of my shoulders, before he kissed the top of my head.
Of course he would remember I took piano lessons when I was a child.
"Any requests?" I asked without turning around.
He named a few songs and I was glad I knew them. I added a few of my own and he busted out laughing when I started banging away to “Linus and Lucy” from the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. I laughed too when I remembered watching the cartoon as a kid and trying to imitate the dances I'd seen the Peanuts characters performing on their school stage.
Christian, who had been poking at the fire while I played, closed the gap between us and once again rested both hands on my shoulders. I immediately transitioned into Jefferson Starship's “Count On Me.” I closed my eyes and shivered in anticipation when he moved my hair off my neck and bent low to kiss it.
My fingers stopped working and I turned slightly on the bench. He took my hand as I stood up and walked me around the bench and right into his arms. The opposite of our kiss in the car, this was gentle at first but grew more heated as our hands explored each other's bodies. Our groping quickly became more fevered than our kisses, and before I knew what was happening, we were undressing each other. I had pulled his T-shirt off and was going for his pajama pants when he stopped me. He removed my nightshirt and undershirt in one long tug over my head. He stared at my breasts and I started to cover them, but he pulled my hands away.
"No, Mimi. Especially not with me," he reassured. He bent low to kiss each one and I ached for more but he didn't give it to me. I was a virgin, but I was still a woman, and I mourned the loss of his hot mouth as he got on his knees and slowly rolled down my long john bottoms and panties. He stopped, and I knew what he was seeing. I froze.
I peered down and saw him staring up at me.
"I thought you saw it when you walked in on me in the bathroom that first day," I quietly said, my voice raspy with unquenched passion.
He shook his head. "What happened?"
Christian listened as I quickly explained the vertical scar that went from my belly button to my pubic bone.
"I was in a car accident right before my high school graduation. A guy crossed the yellow line and almost hit us head on. My cousin, who was driving, swerved and then overcorrected. Long story short, I fractured my pelvis. I have so many pins and screws inside me I'm afraid to go near a metal detector," I teased, trying to make light of my situation so as not to ruin the mood. But he persisted.
"Looks like a serious scar." His eyes were concerned. "Does it still bother you?"
"Nope," I lied. "Six months of rehab is all it took." I looked away and started to wonder where, if anywhere, this was going. I didn't have to wait long to find out. Just like he'd kissed away my tears in the car, I could feel his mouth right below my belly button, gently making its way lower as he planted soft kisses on my scar. When he kissed my most private place, I lost all modesty and any trepidation I felt, moaning loudly as I grabbed hold of his hair and ground myself into his mouth.
I surprised even myself when my release came quickly and I heard him whisper, "I knew you would taste good."
He pulled me down to my knees so we were almost eye l
evel. I was waiting for him to stand and I prepared myself to reciprocate. I'd only performed oral sex on Lucas, and not very often. I knew without a doubt that Christian was experienced, and I couldn't bear to think that I wouldn't measure up to what he was used to.
"I've waited my whole life for this moment. And it might seem rushed, but I'll make it up to you, baby. I promise," he whispered. "I can't wait to be inside of you, Mimi," he said as he laid me back on the fluffy rug.
His hand found its way between my legs and after feeling my wetness, he added, "And you're more than ready for me."
In two swift movements he expertly removed his pajama pants and situated himself between my open legs. He gave me a long, lingering kiss, only stopping to tease each breast with his tongue. He made his way back up to my mouth and after another kiss, he stopped. I opened my eyes and saw him staring at me.
"I can get a rubber." He sounded like he was in pain.
"You brought condoms?" I asked him.
"I didn't bring condoms," he corrected. "I pretty much always have them with me. But I haven't used them since I've been out of prison."
I guess this was his way of telling me he hadn't had sex with anyone since he'd been released. I wasn't sure how to respond so I went with the truth: "I don't have an STD, and I won't get pregnant."
I couldn't be certain but he almost looked disappointed when he said, "Good. You're on the pill."
I didn't answer him. I just stared into his eyes trying to gauge what I'd seen in his expression. The moment passed and he once again lowered his mouth to mine. I had my arms wrapped around his neck and was running my fingers through his silky hair. He ended our kiss and gave me a smile that had probably broken a hundred hearts. Slowly, he started to enter me.
And I panicked.
I suddenly remembered how he’d told me on the drive to the restaurant that he’d never had a girlfriend. He's probably broken a hundred hearts, played like a mantra in my head as I found myself leaning up on my elbows and trying to scooch away from him. What are you doing, Mimi? A few kisses, one orgasm and you're ready to give your virginity to a man who is going to get in his truck in a few days and drive away from your life?
"Mimi?"
I couldn't tell if I was seeing anger or hurt in his eyes as I scrambled out from beneath him and reached for my nightshirt.
"What's wrong?" he asked. He'd leaned up on his side and was watching me.
Yanking my shirt down over my head I reached for my panties and tried to untangle them from my thermal underwear.
"Nothing's wrong," I lied. I couldn't meet his eyes when I blurted, "This is just too quick for me. I'm sorry. I'm not a tease. I'm just not sure about sleeping with you this soon."
"This soon?" he asked. He sounded hoarse. "In my mind, this should’ve happened years ago."
I wouldn't look at him, but sensed when he got to his feet and pulled on his pajama pants. I didn't answer as I tried to think of where I could escape to.
"It's Lucas, isn't it?" he growled.
Lucas who?
"I'm sorry, Christian. I didn't mean for this to happen." Of course you did, my subconscious screamed.
Our gazes locked and I sensed a dangerous shift in his attitude. Something raw and feral appeared behind his eyes, and for a moment, I wondered if he was going to force himself on me. Never. Christian would never hurt you, I told myself. But I knew what I was seeing. I was witnessing a man who was trying to restrain himself. The animal instinct was there and he was doing his best not to pounce.
"I'll sleep in one of the spare rooms tonight." His voice was unrecognizable. "I can't sleep in the same bed with you again, Mimi."
I nodded, and without looking back, made a beeline for the master bedroom. Once inside I sat on the edge of the bed and stared at a painting over the dresser. What was I doing?
I leaned forward, stuck my elbows on my knees and plopped my head in my hands. I'd only been sitting that way less than sixty seconds when something caused me to look over at my pillow. And there it was. Its vivid color in stark contrast to the white case it rested on. Bright and blue and as gaudy as I'd remembered.
My eyes got wide as I gazed at the ring, the big, blue artificial stone overshadowing the tiny plastic gold band it was attached to.
"It's so beautiful, Christian," I cooed. "Did you get it because it matches the color of your eyes?" I asked adoringly.
"No," he answered matter-of-factly. "I got it ’cause it was the only one in the claw machine."
We'd played wedding almost twenty years ago and he still had the last ring he'd tried to give me. And he must've laid it on my pillow after he came out of the shower and before he found me sitting at the piano. I picked it up and tried to put it on, but my fingers were too big. I finally managed to squeeze it halfway up my left pinky finger.
I immediately sensed his presence in the bedroom doorway. "I need to brush my teeth," he informed me. "I won't bother you."
"You kept it," was all I said.
"Yeah, I kept it."
"Christian, are you a lost soul?" I knew my voice held an edge of sadness.
"You think I'm a lost soul?" he asked as he walked toward me. He didn't look angry or hurt. He looked...he looked...I had trouble coming up with a word. And then it dawned on me. He looked amused.
I was once again at a loss for words so I just watched him approach me. He was now standing directly in front of me and I had to raise my head to face him.
"The term lost soul is overrated," he told me. I tried to raise an eyebrow. I always envied people that could ask a question by raising one eyebrow. Unfortunately for me, it didn't work, and I'm certain I just came off looking surprised. Or stupid.
"I'm not a lost soul, Mimi. I never have been. A bad one? Maybe. But not lost. I knew when we were children that our souls were tethered. I know you felt it too, but you lost it or forgot it somewhere along the way."
I think I must've swallowed my voice because it was suddenly gone.
"I know despite our rocky start a few days ago, you feel it too. I've seen it in your eyes several times over the past couple of days. You really are Dreamy Mimi, aren't you?" he teased.
Before I could stop it, a childhood memory slammed into me with such ferocity I felt it pressing on my chest. I instantly remembered the significance of the tattoo over his heart. And just like that, my fears and doubts about him—about us—fell like dominos and formed a perfect circle around my instantaneously healed heart.
I jumped up so quickly I almost knocked my head into his chin. I grabbed him by the hair and tugged until his mouth met mine. He welcomed my advance and pulled me hard against his chest.
He broke our kiss and said, "I'll still sleep in the other room if you want me to." He didn't look sincere, but I knew he was making an effort so I decided to give him a full explanation.
"What happened earlier has nothing to do with this," I told him as I stepped back and waved my hand back and forth between us. "It's me."
There was the eyebrow raise I envied.
"I've not...I've never..." I stammered. "I'm still a virgin," I finally blurted out.
He couldn't have looked more shocked if I'd told him I was really a man.
"But, Lucas...all the guys you’ve dated." It was his turn to stammer.
"I never slept with the guys from college, or any guy for that matter. And that was why my relationships were so short-lived. They weren't getting it so they went somewhere else. Lucas is the only one who has stuck around." I looked away, embarrassed, surprised that his detective hadn't uncovered that tidbit.
He didn't say anything so I looked back at him. He had an odd look on his face.
"What?" I asked.
"Do you really want to know?" he prodded.
"Whatever it is, yeah, I want to know."
"Lucas stuck around because he's getting laid elsewhere.” He crossed his arms in front of him and continued, “He’s been cheating on you."
I stepped back again, and this time the ba
ck of my knees hit the bed, almost causing me to topple backwards. He grabbed my elbow and steadied me. It was my turn to be stunned. "Why didn't you tell me this before?" I asked him.
"Because I want you to want me. On your own. Not because your boyfriend is cheating on you."
It was back. The sense of relief that came with knowing where I belonged.
"Why are you still a virgin?"
His question caught me by surprise, but I had a ready answer.
"It was a decision I made after Nick almost raped me. After that, I was very cautious about dating and getting physical with a guy. I guess I was always waiting for the next Nick to rear his ugly head." I gripped the back of my neck and rubbed it. "After a while, I realized that I was starting to grow spiritually, and my faith was making it easier to abstain.” I looked at the ground and confessed, “I kind of tried to make a bargain with God. I believed that if I waited, He would let me know when I met Mr. Right. Who would, you know…"
"Love you enough to marry you?"
"Yeah, I guess so." I looked up, wrapped my arms around his neck and tilted my head to one side. "But I don't want to wait anymore. What was it you said about our souls being tethered?"
He abruptly reached behind his neck and disengaged my hands. I was stunned as he walked around the bedroom, muttering, "What did you do with it? Where is it?"
"Where's what?" I asked, still in shock over his behavior.
He stopped and looked at me. "When I first brought you here I went through your stuff. There was a Bible in your bag."
I rolled my eyes. Of course he went through my things. "It's in the nightstand on my side of the bed. Why?"
He opened the drawer and pulled out my Bible. It was the new one I'd gotten four years ago after hiding away the one that contained his letter. Clutching it in his right hand he grabbed me with his left, and started pulling me out of the room.
"W-wha..where are we going? What are you doing?" I exclaimed as he trudged toward the French doors that opened onto the deck, dragging me behind him.
He let go of my hand long enough to open one, and a cold blast of air almost knocked me over, but I was too immersed in Christian's odd behavior to notice the cold.
