by Lannah Smith
"We're still in high school, John," I whispered, squeezing his shoulders. "We're still too young to think about having a serious relationship. And Haru—"
His hands tightened on my face. "I don't give a shit about Haru," he bit out. "As far as I'm concerned, he can go to hell."
"It's not that easy—"
"I'm not a child anymore, Terry. I can take care of you. I probably have more money than your stupid brother anyway."
"Did you really have to bring money into this?" I hissed.
"In our world, money talks. Your brother was one of the people who taught me that."
I pulled in breath through my nose and said, "I still think—"
Then I couldn't think anymore when he dipped his head down and kissed me.
I didn't fight it.
I yielded and kissed him back.
Instinctively, I knew that kissing him wouldn't alleviate the pain and hurt of the past. Or fix the present. But I wasn't going to refuse him anymore.
Though uncertain, I was going to try because I could never resist him.
And because what I felt for him was something more than he'll ever know.
The kiss started soft, sweet which went hot and wild when I pressed my body to his and curled my arms around his neck.
His arm slid around my waist and he pulled me out of my seat and into his lap. With one arm locked at my waist, he slid the other one up my neck and into my hair. He brought me even closer to his body and that was when I remembered I was wearing a dress. His hardness was pushing against me and I groaned in his mouth.
Then he tore his mouth from mine and buried his face in my neck. Dazedly, I felt him adjust me on his lap until I wasn't sitting on his erection. I softly laughed.
"You taste better every time we kiss," he said into my neck.
A slow blush spread across my cheeks and I was glad he wasn't able to see it.
"I hate it when you keep cutting me off," I grumbled.
His head came out of my neck and he looked at me. His face had gone soft, his eyes warm, and he grinned. "But you don't hate me right?"
I didn't answer and he didn't seem to need one.
Then he was kissing me again.
Chapter 22
"John," Terry gasped, her eyes drifting close. "Let go. I can't... We can't..."
John grinned against her skin and kissed the crook of her neck once more. "We can. We definitely can."
"Let's stop."
"No."
She gasped again when he rained kisses down her neck. "John..."
"Yeah?" he whispered, his hand running up her waist to the curve of her breast.
"John."
"Terry..."
She moaned, soft and sweet.
Hearing that, feeling her, John almost lost control.
Then suddenly, he felt like he just got hit by a truck in his stomach.
Did she just... did his girlfriend just punch him?
John doubled over on the passenger seat of her car and groaned, "What the fuck, Terry?"
Fixing her clothes, Terry pulled the visor down and looked at the mirror to check her face. "You wouldn't let go."
"So you decided to sock me?" he snapped in disbelief.
"You were all over me."
"How the hell can I kiss you if I can't be all over you?"
She shrugged, searched her purse until she found her lip-gloss and slid the tip across her lips.
He pulled in breath through his nose then sat back. Then his eyes moved back to her.
She, he thought, looked indifferent.
He, John knew, was irritated.
There were a number of reasons for his irritation.
First and foremost, he was irritated because his girlfriend, yes, his girlfriend was too nonchalant about this. He practically bared out his heart and soul to her and although he was happy she finally accepted his feelings, she was too casual about the whole thing.
He was also irritated because it was clear she intended to keep herself distant. Maybe it was because she didn't fully trust him yet. But he also intended never to leave and hurt her again and he couldn't understand why she was still so careful. He practically told her he wanted to be with her forever, that he was going to fight for her this time.
Shit, this was going to be hard, breaking her walls and getting her to trust him.
It wasn't going to be easy. It wasn't going to be fun.
But he knew it was definitely going to be worth the hassle because she was worth it.
Still, it didn't mean he liked this crap.
John started grumbling under his breath how much of a pain she was and she pinned him with a glare.
"Shut up and go to your class," she told him irritably. "And make sure no one sees you leave my car."
"I still can't believe I agreed to your stupid rules," he continued to grumble.
"Stupid or not, you will follow them, Steele." She dropped the tube and reached for his lips. John thought she was going to kiss him but she just used her thumb to wipe his mouth gently. "Lip gloss," she explained.
Her action made him freeze for a moment.
Because it felt far more intimate than the kiss they just shared.
It was something a guy's girl will do for him and he liked it.
Then he scowled.
It would have been better if she'd kiss him. He'd like it even better. And he definitely would have liked it a lot if she didn't restrict their relationship with so many rules.
After they reconciled that night in the greenery and after he kissed her senseless, they talked about a lot of things.
About how things would change from then on.
About what they both should do.
Everything was still so complicated. Terry was still worried about her family, especially her bastard of a brother, and John too admitted he still couldn't leave Leon alone. Terry was also worried about her reputation at school and having a connection to the most infamous students in campus was not good for a model student like her.
So she started telling him the rules.
And the first rule was not to tell anybody about them.
Not even his friends.
They were going to keep their relationship a secret until she had a talk with Haru. That or John fixes his reputation.
John thought it wasn't possible to fix his reputation just yet. He couldn't leave Leon's side until he was sure his best friend wasn't suicidal anymore. So he figured he'd wait until Terry had her talk with Haru. He offered to talk to her brother himself but Terry wouldn't let him. It sucked but he decided to let Terry have her way.
In fact, he was definitely letting Terry have her way when she told him the second rule.
No greetings, no nods in the hallways, no public conversations.
Basically, refusing to acknowledge each other if they see each other in school.
If they wanted their relationship to be kept secret, they needed to act as they were before and pretend to ignore each other's existence.
And third rule, no PDA.
She continued to tell him more rules but John didn't listen anymore. His mind was still on rule number 3. It was insane. He liked touching her. Liked kissing her. He also wanted to tell the world she was finally his but she was adamant to keep their relationship a secret.
But when he saw how worried she was, how unsure she was about getting into a relationship with him, he just sighed and let her have her rules. Terry had him so wrapped around her finger that he was inclined to give her everything she wanted.
Terry actually started to make a rule about not having sex until graduation but John had to put his fucking foot down.
There was no way in hell he wasn't going to touch her until after graduation.
"I haven't followed rules since I hit puberty, Evans," John told her grumpily when she finished prepping.
She gave him a sweet smile. "Then start again." The smile dropped as quickly as it came when she deadpanned, "Now get out of my car."
; He stared at her, completely pissed off by her attitude.
Then a smirk made its way to his lips and before she could realize what he was about to do, his arm stole around her waist and he kissed her.
Caught off guard, Terry could do nothing but part her lips and he took it as invitation to touch her tongue with his. The moment it did, her body liquefied, her guard went down and she kissed him back. He deepened the kiss, hauling her even closer to him. And when he felt his body begin to heat in response, his head came up.
Her flustered expression pleased him, dissipating his irritation, and before she could land another one on him, he swiftly pulled the door open and got out of her car.
"See you later," he yelled over his shoulder.
He wasn't even surprised when she yelled back, "Go to hell, Steele."
I sat at the table in the library, reading my notes. My books were neatly piled in front of me, my laptop beside them displaying the slides I knew was going to be in the exams. Hannah was sitting in front of me, chewing at the end of her pen as she did her own reading.
Loud giggling broke through my concentration. Frowning, I looked up and saw a couple two tables away with their faces so close to each other, embracing and chatting together happily.
My stomach clenched when a thought flitted across my mind.
That could have been John and me.
Well, there was no way I'd apply that much display of affections in such a public place but still, that could have been us, sitting side by side as we studied, talking. He'd probably try to make me stop studying and focus my attention on him. And I'd probably punch him to make him stop.
My imagination made me sigh and I leaned back, dropping the pen I was holding unto the table.
That could have been us if I hadn't set up the rules and boundaries of our relationship.
John disliked the rules I set up and I didn't blame him.
I still didn't trust him.
I still wasn't sure about this relationship.
And I still couldn't believe he loved me.
Although I decided I'd try, I was still afraid and it was hard to rationalize things when I felt so much fear. This immense fear of rejection, of getting hurt by the ones you love had made me put up a shield that even I had a hard time breaking. It was my instinct of self-preservation, triggered by my unpleasant experiences.
This was complicated.
This sucked.
But I was willing to have this relationship with John than not have him by my side at all. So I was going to try my hardest to be brave for him.
And I still had to deal with Haru.
"Are you sick, Terry?" Hannah asked me.
I turned to Hannah. "I'm not sick," I replied.
Hannah tilted her head to the side. "You look like you were about to vomit. Are you sure you don't feel sick?"
I stewed in silence for a second before saying, "Yes, I'm sure."
"You look a bit dazed this morning, you know," she went on, bemusement furrowing her brows. "And you almost ran into the door when we were entering the lib."
Dang it.
It was because of John and his remarkably affecting kisses.
I'd only kissed two guys in my life but only with John did I experience anything like its fiery intensity. And whenever his mouth disengaged the only thing I could think was that I wanted more.
A lot more.
"I just have a lot of things on my mind right now," I fibbed as I closed my notebook. "You know the student council wants me to run."
"And I told you. Don't run. It's boring and more work and less time for play," Hannah whined.
"It'll look good on my record."
"Your record is already amazing. Your kindergarten achievements alone will get you into any college you like."
"Ha ha," I replied wryly. "Since you're cracking jokes I assume you're done studying?"
She looked down at her paper and frowned. "Not really. I'm just staring at it. Hey is it true that if I sleep with my head on top of my books I'll remember everything?"
"No."
"How about if I listen to recordings of our test materials as I sleep, will I learn everything when I wake up?"
"Sleep learning is bullshit, Hannah."
"Well, do you know studies show that people do better on tests if they don't study?"
I shook my head, laughing softly. "You're hopeless."
"Don't be mean," Hannah muttered dejectedly. "Help me."
"Wait here. I'll go get some reference books for you."
"Get the For Dummies kind, will you?"
"I was already planning to."
She stuck her tongue out and I shook my head again. Leaving our table, I went to the find the books she'd need. As I wondered down the rows of shelves, I passed another couple and I wrinkled my nose. I seemed to be seeing couples everywhere since John and I became one. And they all just had to be locked in either an embrace or a deep kiss.
Wondering how I'd reach the books I'd need from the top shelves, I approached the book shelf near the back of the library.
Then I immediately backtracked and hid behind a shelf when I saw that Sophia and Leon were there.
They were sitting at a table in the furthest corner of the library. Leon's hand was around Sophia's neck. Her body was pressed to his. His lips were on hers, hers was on his.
My chest tightened as bitterness swept over me and neither felt good.
I clenched my hands tightly in fists.
How fucking sweet.
It's because of Leon, John had told me.
Everything that had happened between John and me, everything he did to me was for Leon. Because John couldn't leave him alone after what happened to him. Because Leon meant so much more to John than I did.
And even after learning what happened to Leon, I didn't feel an ounce of sympathy for him.
Leon lost his mother.
While I still had mine.
He had John by his side all these years.
I didn't.
It wasn't right, thinking this way when Leon had lost a lot and suffered so much. But whenever I saw the fading scars on my palms, I was reminded of the pain I suffered alone and the resentment creeps in along with the dread that John would once again let go and leave me for him.
With difficulty, I uncurled my fingers and glanced down at my hands.
Then I returned to my table with Hannah.
"Where are the books?" she asked me as I took my seat.
"They weren't there," I muttered. "Here. I'll lend you my notes."
"Wow, like this would make studying easier," Hannah mumbled sarcastically under her breath. "You know I don't like reading cursive."
"Then I'm taking it back—"
She pushed off my hand and clutched the notebook to her chest. "No, it's fine. Better to suffer than to fail right?"
The couple two tables away burst into soft laughter again and I pulled in breath.
Shirking off the pain I was feeling in my chest, I pulled the laptop to me. Before I could begin studying again, my cellphone vibrated once on the table. I was set on ignoring it when it vibrated again.
And again.
And again.
I took a deep, calming breath.
Then I picked up the phone.
John turned from the window when he heard the door open. He saw Terry enter the chemistry lab and close the door behind her.
He leaned against the edge of a table, gave her a grin and waved.
She didn't wave back nor grinned. In fact, she looked murderous.
Huh.
Maybe he shouldn't have spammed her phone with a lot of messages.
"Do you even study, Steele?" Terry spat as soon as she was in front of him.
He smirked and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her close. "I missed you."
