Aidan looked at me, then followed my eyes to his fists. His shoulders drooped as his fists unclenched and he reached for me. I took an instinctive step back and he stopped.
“Fuck, baby, I’m sorry. I wasn’t mad at you. I would never hit you. Shit. I was mad at whoever made you think you couldn’t trust men, couldn’t trust me. And now you don’t trust me.”
I watched him carefully, waiting to see if he would reach for me again. Brownie came over and stood between us, whimpering at the tension in the air. He went to Aidan and nudged his hand, trying to get Aidan’s attention. His eyes dropped from mine as he looked down at my dog. My dog who was trying to protect Aidan instead of me.
Didn’t they say dogs had good instincts?
Aidan squatted down and rubbed Brownie, kneeling in the grass when he flopped onto his back and exposed his belly. Aidan stayed like that, petting Brownie and basically ignoring me for a few minutes. Why wasn’t Brownie upset with him, trying to defend me? If dogs sensed when their owners were in trouble why was he acting like Aidan was the one who needed comfort?
The boys finally got up and Aidan threw a stick across the yard for Brownie to chase. He glanced at Aidan before taking off to retrieve the stick. Aidan kept his focus on my dog, and I tried to figure out what the hell was going on.
Brownie dropped the stick for Aidan again and again and I stood watching them play as though I didn’t even exist. Brownie lingered less and less with each toss, feeling okay to play like he knew Aidan was feeling better.
But no one seemed to care that I was confused as shit.
“I’m sorry I scared you,” Aidan finally said. His voice sounded distant as though he was whispering from across a crowded room instead of standing close enough for me to touch. “I don’t know who hurt you, but I know someone did.”
I turned on him, my eyes blazing with anger and distrust all over again. How the hell did he know that? Who told him?
“No one’s told me. I can see it in your eyes, the way you always reacted to me when I would reach for you. When we met you refused to be alone with me, but you haven’t been afraid of me lately. Not for a while. I’ve never asked you about it because I know you’ll tell me when you trust me enough to talk about it. But I can’t live with you being afraid of me. I need to know you will trust me as much as your dog over here.”
I looked at the two of them, both staring up at me with matching brown puppy dog eyes. Feeling afraid of Aidan was more strange to me than trusting him. Yes, I’d trusted before and been burned by it in the worst way. But something about Aidan told me he wasn’t anything like BJ. And he never would be.
“I don’t deal well with violence, even violence that’s deserved. It scares me. I won’t put up with dominance or you thinking I owe you something, ever. Just because you’re here for dinner doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep together. And jealousy is not okay in my world. Trust is everything and I’m making a choice to trust you right now. You won’t get another one.”
Aidan nodded and took a step toward me. “I won’t need another chance. I promise you I will never do something to jeopardize your trust again. Thank you.”
He took another step toward me and I didn’t back away. He reached out to me, not getting close enough to touch me. He was letting me go to him, meeting him part of the way. I reached out and took his hand and watched a smile cross his lips, bright enough to make the sun jealous.
Ten
Back in my apartment I let my guard slip down again. Aidan had brought over enough Chinese food to feed six people, but it was nice to have the variety. He said he knew a few things I liked and wanted to get them all. After that I think our moment in the dog yard was completely forgotten.
We settled onto my beat up old couch. I’d bought it in college and never got around to replacing it. It was worn but really comfortable. Something I’d been grateful for many times when I fell asleep watching TV.
Brownie sat at our feet watching us and anxiously waiting for something to fall to the floor, happily gobbling up whatever he could get his tongue on. “Does he always do that?” Aidan asked, watching Brownie warily.
I glanced at my big dog, nearly eye level with me as I sat on the couch, and smiled. “He thinks he’s entitled to as much as I have. I’ll give him a piece of chicken or some veggies, but he doesn’t get much table food.”
“I’m surprised he’s sitting there so calmly. I almost expected you to have to lock him up while we ate so he didn’t grab all the food off the table.”
I shook my head. “Nope. He won’t take food unless it’s on the floor or offered to him. I can walk away for a few minutes and he’ll just sit there. He’s pretty well behaved.”
Aidan raised his eyebrows and nodded at us, clearly approving of my talented dog. Of course I didn’t tell him about how many dinners I’d lost before I finally taught Brownie not to eat my food. What mattered was he learned.
We turned on the latest movie in the Avengers series, ready to lose ourselves in the action of defending the world from the latest threat. I quickly got drawn into the plot, always a sucker for hot men playing hero. When I finished my dinner I pushed the plate away and leaned back against the couch. Right into Aidan’s arms.
“Oh, sorry,” I mumbled, not wanting him to think I did it on purpose.
“It’s okay,” he said, almost sounding disappointed. He dropped his arm from the back of the couch and let his hand rest on the cushions between us. I looked at his hand then back up to him, wondering what in the hell I was thinking.
I wanted to hold his hand.
What was I? Twelve?
We were adults and we were dating. It felt silly to want to do something as meaningless as hold his hand, but for some crazy reason I wanted to. Like leaning against him on the couch was too much but I wanted to touch him.
I settled into the couch again and let my hand rest near his, not touching, but close. I could feel the heat of him on my skin, making me want to do more than just hold his hand. Then I felt his hand close over mine, his palm resting over the back of my hand and our fingers twining together.
I glanced over but Aidan was focused on the movie as though nothing had happened. As though he hadn’t just reached for my hand. I smiled to myself and turned my attention back to the movie.
Or tried.
It felt like we were drifting closer with each passing second until I could feel the warmth of his shoulder against mine, our arms touching all the way down to our joined hands. My body lit up like fireworks, something I wouldn’t believe if it hadn’t happened to me. He hadn’t touched me, kissed me, or anything, but my stomach was clenched, my panties were wet, and I was breathing heavy. Something was seriously wrong with me.
Aidan shifted a little closer, bringing our clasped hands onto his lap and pressing our legs together, side by side. The temperature in my body skyrocketed and I really started to worry I was getting sick. I felt like I was going to throw up but wasn’t sure if it was all the butterflies trying to escape my stomach or something else.
I turned toward Aidan, unsure what I was going to say, and found him watching me. “God you’re beautiful. Your skin is flushed, your eyes are wide, and you’re nearly trembling. Can I kiss you?”
I bit my lip, not trusting my voice, and nodded. Aidan’s eyes held mine captive as the sounds of an explosion occurred on the TV. He leaned toward me slowly, his other hand coming up to cup my cheek.
When our lips touched it was a soft, sweet kiss. A gentle brush of our lips, barely perceptible except for the way my body rushed with coolness and desire all at once. I ached in a way I’d never experienced, from my lips to my core where all the heat in my body pooled. For a brief moment I wondered if I’d stared my period. After all, I was wet and hot between my legs.
I knew it was something different, something new and exciting, when Aidan’s mouth opened over mine and his tongue darted out to my lips. He tasted me from one corner of my mouth to the other, leaving me to feel a little foolish si
tting there not doing anything.
“You taste so good,” he murmured against my lips. His tongue probed between my lips, splitting them apart and I realized I was about to become an active participant in our kiss.
My hand drifted over to him, resting on his chest, while his tongue swept quickly through my mouth. The feel of his heart pounding under my fingers and his tongue probing my mouth only sent my temperature even higher. My panties dampened more and the burning feeling intensified. It was the one thing I’d heard about and never experienced. The one thing I thought would never happen.
It was desire. Pure, true, animalistic desire. I wanted Aidan like I’d never wanted another man. I knew the throbbing between my legs meant he could touch me and I’d have one of those screaming orgasms I’d heard my friends talk about. I knew I would come undone for him.
What I didn’t know is what I would have to do for him if it happened.
We continued kissing for longer than seemed right, sitting side by side on the couch. Aidan didn’t make a move to take things any further, just content to kiss. I felt my heart crack open just a little more at that realization. He wasn’t pushing. He asked before he kissed me. He was respecting me.
And for the first time I wanted more.
I angled my body toward him, running my hand over his shoulder to fist in his hair. I pulled him closer, reaching out to stroke his tongue with mine, increasing our pace and intensity. A rumble fell from his chest, making all my parts quiver. I needed something. I just hoped he could give it to me.
Aidan took control as it slipped through my grasp. He rolled us on the couch, pinning me beneath his strong body. Panic rose in me briefly but I fought it back. Aidan nudged my legs apart, whispering, “Let me in, baby. Spread your legs for me.”
My knees dropped to the side, one held in place by the couch and the other threatening to fall off the couch. Aidan positioned himself between my legs and I felt his erection hard against me, our soft cotton shorts doing nothing to disguise it. I wasn’t a virgin, hadn’t been one in over ten years, but I was still fairly inexperienced with men. Feeling him against my body sent a fresh wave of tingles across my skin.
Aidan held himself up above me, looking down into my face. “I never thought I’d be here, cradled between your legs. God, you feel so fucking good.”
I could see the pain in his eyes, the desire he could barely contain. I knew he wanted more than this, but I wasn’t ready. Something told me everything would be different with Aidan and I wasn’t prepared for that yet. I couldn’t imagine sleeping with him and watching him walk away.
“I’m going to move, sweetheart. You just need to tell me if it doesn’t feel good.”
I nodded, unsure why it mattered if he moved. Until he shifted his hips and a moan slipped from my lips.
Holy fuck, how did he do that? I had no idea what he was touching or doing but it was like he had a remote control for my body hidden in his shorts. And he was definitely pushing the right buttons.
My eyes drifted closed and Aidan kept moving, taking encouragement from my moans and whimpers. He leaned down to kiss my lips and I attacked him, clawing at his back and plunging my tongue so far into his mouth I almost wondered if I was going to choke him. He returned my kiss with equal enthusiasm and kept thrusting his hips into me, his pace increasing with the urgency of our kiss.
He broke free of our kiss and ran his lips, tongue, and teeth over my jawline to my ear. His tongue dipped into the hollow spot behind my ear and my body arched into his, throbbing and feeling like a rubber band pulled too tight.
“Oh fuck, Aidan,” I moaned, feeling pleasure I’d never known with a tension and ache that were making me crazy.
His breath was hot on my ear when he whispered, “Come for me baby. I need to hear you scream my name. Let go of it. Now sweetheart. Come right now.”
My body responded to him on a level I couldn’t begin to understand. I wasn’t even sure what he was telling me to do, but instinct and nature took over.
I clung tightly to him as I bellowed his name, loudly. My hips rose to meet his, pumping fervently against his body. He continued to thrust hard against me, his erection digging into my soft flesh and sending me spiraling out of control.
The world went black around me as the first wave washed over me. I felt like a surfer in Hawaii pulled under by one of those big waves. I was drowning in a sea of desire and pleasure that I’d never known. I didn’t know which way was up or how I was going to find my way to shore again.
Before I could find the answers to my questions, another wave crashed over me, sending me even further into the darkness. I was vaguely aware of Aidan still over me, his fingers biting into my love handles, as I hung off him. His cock was cradled between my legs, which I’d wrapped around his hips at some point.
The darkness began to fade and I heard Aidan’s voice whispering to me. My arms felt sore and achy and my body felt deliciously weak, like I’d just run a marathon. A hum radiated from my core through the rest of me, subtle but clearly there. I’d never felt like that in my life but I already wanted the feeling back.
I finally heard Aidan’s words when he whispered, close enough to my ear that I could feel the vibration from his body, “That was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, sweetheart. You’re amazing. I could watch you do that every day for the rest of my life. Thank you, Claire. Thank you for sharing that with me.”
The kindness and love I felt in his words shocked me. I’d expected him to jump up and claim it was his turn, but instead he was still cradling me, holding his weight off me, but keeping his body close enough that we were touching all the way down. His erection throbbed against me, but his body was still.
“I’ve never done that before,” I said. I didn’t want to say the words, but my mouth had different ideas. I wanted to crawl under the couch and die, but it was too late.
“Come with your clothes on? I didn’t want to rush you, but I couldn’t stop myself. I’m sorry if I hurt you. Did I hurt you, honey?” The concern in his voice had tears filling my eyes.
I shook my head and said, “No, you didn’t hurt me, but that’s not what I meant. I meant I’ve never done that before. At all.”
Aidan pulled back to look at me, his eyes blazing with something I couldn’t read. “You mean you’ve never had an orgasm before?”
I nodded and bit my lip.
He jumped up so fast my head spun. He walked across the room and I watched as his erection slowly shrunk to hide under his shorts again. “Jesus, I’m such an asshole. I’m so sorry, Claire. If I’d known I never would have done that. Are you… are you a virgin?”
I shook my head but let my eyes fall to the floor. This was exactly why I didn’t want to tell him. Why the hell couldn’t my damn mouth keep itself shut?
“So you’ve never had a lover who took care of you? Who made sure you felt good before worrying about himself?”
I shrugged. I wasn’t ready to admit I’d only slept with my high school boyfriend twice before I decided I didn’t like sex. I was seventeen at the time, just barely, and wasn’t really sure I was ready for sex. BJ didn’t think it was a big deal and talked me into it. When I told him I didn’t like it and wanted to wait before we did it again, he acted like it was okay.
A few weeks later he changed his mind. We were on spring break with his parents. They were out to dinner for the night, leaving us alone in the hotel. We watched a movie and ate pizza then he decided he wanted sex again. I told him no, but he wasn’t willing to listen that time. He was bigger and stronger than my skinny cheerleader frame and he held me down without any trouble.
I screamed and fought the entire time, but he didn’t care. When he was done he tried to act like it was no big deal. I took a shower to wash away the feeling of him all over me, but nothing erased it. When we got home from our trip I told Mandy what happened. She insisted we call the police, but by then there was no evidence they said. He was never charged or arrested or even reprimanded.
It was years before I could even think about having sex after that. I’d dated a couple of guys in college, but I never let things go very far. Once I got the feeling a guy was ready for sex I’d break it off with him. Eventually I just quit dating to avoid the whole topic.
Suffice it to say I wasn’t really interested in sex much.
“I don’t have much experience. And no, I never had anyone who cared about how I felt.”
Aidan walked back over to where I was still sitting on the couch. He dropped down next to me and took my hands in his. “In my world, you will always come first. Literally and figuratively. Your happiness means more to me than anything else. I know there’s more you’re not telling me, but it doesn’t matter right now. What matters is that you feel good. I’m so sorry if I hurt you. If I’d had any idea I… fuck, I can’t believe I did that.”
“I liked it,” I blurted out. “A lot. I’ve never felt that way before and it was amazing. I wanted it to happen and you didn’t force yourself on me.”
Aidan’s shoulders dropped with the tension he released. He squeezed my hands and brought them to his lips, pressing kisses to each of my knuckles. “I don’t ever want you to feel like you can’t tell me something. Anything. I will always stop if you’re not okay with something and I promise to be more gentle with you in the future. Can you forgive me for acting like such a horny bastard?”
I waited until he looked up at me to answer him. His eyes were so sad and shameful that I wanted to cry for him. “There’s nothing to be sorry for. I would have told you no, but I’m pretty sure I was saying yes, over and over again.” He laughed with me. “Just because it was new doesn’t mean it wasn’t good. I have no idea what you did, but I definitely want to do it again sometime.”
Aidan pulled me into his arms, his big, strong ones coming around me to hold me against his chest. I listened to his heart beating again, strong and sure under my cheek. I felt safe in Aidan’s arms. He wouldn’t ever hurt me. I knew that without a doubt.
Lush & Lovely (Big & Beautiful Book 2) Page 8
