“It’s all still new though. Aidan and I have known each other for years, but everything else is new and different,” I told them.
“Different?” Mandy asked, shooting me a questioning look. I could tell she wanted to know exactly what different meant. She was wondering if different was good or bad, and if different was what I wanted.
“I think different is good,” Lexi chimed in. “The guy I’m sleeping with, Mike, we like to mix things up on occasion. Different keeps life interesting.”
Sam scooted her chair closer to Lexi like she was waiting for story time at the library. Knowing Sam that’s exactly what she was doing. She wanted Lexi to tell her more, in detail, about her sex life.
“I met someone last week. We’re not actually together, but he’s good in bed. It’s a casual thing and I don’t really like him that much but my God does he know his way around a woman’s body,” Sam moaned.
I laughed with everyone else and let the conversation turn over to Sam’s new sex life. Lexi caught my eye and I mouthed thank you to her. She saved me. Lexi mouthed you’re welcome then turned her attention back to the group.
“Xander is the same way, I swear. He can look at me and nearly make me scream,” Mandy cackled.
I rolled my eyes. I knew she was exaggerating, but I couldn’t help but wish I knew what she felt like. After only one orgasm I felt like an addict, craving more. Hell, I would have taken matters into my own hands if I had any idea what Aidan had done. Somehow I knew it just wouldn’t be the same without him.
My mind drifted back to the way Aidan made me feel, the incredible power and passion that flowed through my body under the control of his. My eyes threatened to close and my gut clenched, heat pooling between my legs at just the thought of the way Aidan felt against me.
Hell, maybe Mandy was serious. If I felt that good just thinking about what Aidan could do, maybe Mandy could come with just a look from Xander.
“Mike does that, too. It’s like he can tell when I’ve had a bad day and just need that release. He won’t speak, not a single word, but in his eyes is all the heat I need to get going. Just one touch and I’m coming apart in his arms,” Lexi shared.
“I love it when they do that,” Mandy added. “It’s like having a second brain but it’s in his head. I love it when they can just give you what you need without having to ask for it. Of course there are those days when you practically have to beg, too.”
“Yeah, but that can be so much fun,” Addi chimed in. “My ex was like that. He would take me right to the edge and then pull back, not letting me plunge over until I was whimpering and begging for it. I hated it at the time, but it was so much bigger and more powerful when it happened. Having a man that will take his time with you is nice.”
“Oh, yeah,” Mandy said. “Slow, lazy sex can be amazing. That’s how we start our weekends. We know we don’t need to be anywhere so we take our time. Xander will wake me up with kisses all over and usually the first thing I remember is feeling some part of him between my legs. It’s our version of breakfast in bed.”
Everyone laughed with Mandy. As the only one in a relationship that had the potential to last, I knew my friends were all thinking the same thing I was. I want that.
The desire, the need for that washed over me like ice water. A relationship was never something I imagined being a part of. It wasn’t for me. Somehow after just two dates with Aidan I wanted it. And I wanted it with him.
I tried to imagine my life going back. Even though our first date was less than three weeks before, I knew it had changed me. His kiss had changed me, my orgasm had changed me, Aidan had changed me. He made me into a different woman. A woman who no longer felt like she was pretending to be an adult but was on her way to being one. A woman who saw her future with more than just a dog and friends. A woman who was starting to believe in love.
Could it be possible I was already falling in love with Aidan?
As I struggled with the answer to the question in my head, my friends talked around me. I welcomed the distraction. I couldn’t sit there and imagine love. I wasn’t ready for it. I still wasn’t even sure if I believed in it. I wanted to, but could I?
“I think I’m more of a fast and dirty kind of woman,” Lexi admitted. “Then again, I think slow and sweet is something that would suit better for a relationship. Mike and I just get together when one of us wants to get hot and sweaty. When it’s over we get dressed and go our separate ways.”
“You don’t spend the night or even a few minutes of post-glow time together?” Addi asked. “I don’t think I could handle that. Sex is such a personal thing for me. I don’t know if I could distance my emotions.”
“I care about Mike, don’t get me wrong. But we know where we both stand. It’s just a partnership with someone I trust, not someone I love,” Lexi told her.
“Even though I don’t really like Eddie, I can’t imagine not being somewhat attached. I think he’s a nice guy and I like sex with him, but we didn’t get to that point without being able to talk and enjoy each other’s company. I guess it’s sort of a combination between what Mandy has and what you have, Lexi. But it’s closer to what you have,” Sam told Lexi.
I couldn’t stop myself from lining up all these relationships and wondering where mine and Aidan’s fit in. We certainly weren’t like Mandy and Xander but I didn’t think we were quite as distant as Lexi and Mike. I did worry that we were similar to Sam and Eddie though.
Sam and Eddie were together for something physical but there wasn’t much beyond that. I wanted to believe Aidan and I had more than that. That we had a better relationship. That we-
Wait. What the hell was I thinking? I just told myself I wasn’t ready for a relationship and I’m deciding if we’re close enough to Mandy and Xander to be considered one. I was losing it.
“What if one of you wants more than just sex?” I heard myself ask Lexi.
She looked at me, her eyes wide. The question fell from my open mouth and I couldn’t take it back. I knew Lexi thought I was showing my cards when I’d made it clear I didn’t want anyone to know what was going on with Aidan, but I think the rest of them would see it as part of the conversation.
At least I hoped so.
“I don’t think that’s going to happen with me and Mike. We’ve known each other for a long time and we both know where things stand. I like him a lot, I respect him, and he’s great in bed, but I don’t see a future with us,” Lexi told me.
“Why not?” I blurted out, unable to stop myself. Lexi was gorgeous, funny, smart, successful, and basically just amazing. If she couldn’t find a guy to share her future with I seriously wondered if I could.
Lexi shrugged. “I don’t know. We really like each other but I guess I figure if it was going to go beyond where it is now one of us would have said something, you know? We’ve been sleeping together for months. I don’t want to mess up what we have, and I don’t think it would work. We’re too similar, both very driven, career minded people.”
Addi wrinkled her nose. “I think I want someone who’s career minded, someone with drive. I’d like to believe I have that, and I’d definitely want it in a boyfriend or husband. I mean, what’s the other option, a guy who sits around on the couch watching SportsCenter? I want a guy who’s going to go out there and work hard.”
“That’s not really what I meant. Yeah, I want someone who’s employed. What I’m talking about is a guy whose job is his whole life. Mike and I are both borderline workaholics. We’re always in touch with the plant and we work insane hours during the week. I always figured if I was ever going to meet someone it would have to be at work, but now I wonder if it’ll ever happen. I can’t handle a guy who works like I do and see myself cutting back if I meet someone I want to spend my time with. Men don’t usually do that though.”
“Would you consider it? If he said he was interested in more? Would you take that leap and give it a chance?”
Lexi was frozen. She looked like I was askin
g her the most difficult question of her life. Maybe I was. I realized in that moment that I really didn’t know Lexi that well. We’d talked, we’d shared, we’d laughed. But most of it had been about my life, not hers.
I risked a glance at Charlie and saw the same confused look on her face that I knew was on mine. I had exposed something I wasn’t supposed to, asked a question Lexi didn’t want to answer.
We all sat there as time stood still. No one knew what to say. I felt bad for grilling Lexi about something she didn’t want to talk about. I knew I was doing it because I was putting myself in her position. I was trying to feel better about whatever mess I’d made of my friendship with Aidan.
And trying to figure out where things could be going with us.
Finally Addi jumped in to save Lexi. “I say who cares if you’re friends with benefits or something more than that. As long as the sex is good and he can play you like a violin the rest doesn’t need to matter.”
Everyone laughed nervously. Lexi took a bite of the cupcake Charlie set in front of her and Sam picked up the conversation. She and Mandy started exchanging sex tips and slowly everyone else joined in.
I sat quietly and felt bad for exploiting Lexi’s relationship. She’d saved me and I threw her under the bus. What was wrong with me?
After a few minutes I managed to catch her eye. She still had a confused and sad look but she smiled at me when I mouthed sorry. Even if it wasn’t all better, at least she knew it was unintentional.
Now I just needed to figure out what the hell was going on with Aidan.
Thirteen
I spent the next few days looking into options for the program I was thinking of starting. I discovered a lot of resources for afterward, but very few rape prevention organizations. Sure, there was information online, but it was a little bit here and a little bit there instead of focused.
I felt the best thing would be to stop the act before it happened. Everyone knew the No Means No campaign that was out a while ago, but it had been a while since rape was a focus. At least for anyone but me.
I was determined to change that.
With Lexi’s promise of help, I set to work on a business plan, working out exactly what I thought I would want the program to look like. If I was going to focus on rape prevention, I needed it from both the guy’s side and the girl’s. It was important a guy understood that ‘no’ was an acceptable answer, and to respect it.
A name for my program eluded me, but I knew I had time to figure that out. It would take a while to get it together. If I was lucky I would have something ready to roll out in a year, hopefully bringing the program to high schools first, then maybe college.
I was daydreaming about helping others not live the life I’d lived when my phone beeped with a text message.
‘Up for dinner? I’m off tonight. I miss you.’
Aidan, of course.
How could I refuse?
I was still confused about everything, unsure where I expected, or hoped, our relationship would go. I left our girls’ night the other day feeling bad about putting Lexi on the spot but I hadn’t seen her since. Strangely enough, I’d shared more with her than I had anyone else but I didn’t have her phone number.
Even though things with Lexi hadn’t ended too well, I still found myself wanting to talk to her. I was dying to know what she thought about my situation, and really I was curious about hers too. I had to guess that she didn’t want to answer my question because she wanted more than casual sex with Mike, but maybe it was the opposite. Maybe the idea of it scared her more than she wanted to admit.
Maybe I was just projecting my own fears onto her.
I pushed aside all thoughts of Lexi, and my program, and faced down my closet. I shoved away my fears and decided I was going to enjoy my date and not worry about what was going on with Aidan and me. Of course that surfaced new fears about what I was going to wear.
God I hated being that woman. I thought I left her behind in high school.
I finally settled on a pair of jean shorts that covered my flabby inner thighs and a baby pink top that hung to my hips and hid my stomach. Aidan already knew what I looked like, but I didn’t really want to remind him of my flaws. I’d already started to like him enough to know if he rejected me because of how I looked I would have had a meltdown.
Aidan was renting a room from someone so he lived in a nice neighborhood but had privacy in the apartment over the garage. I parked on the street, unsure if Aidan used the driveway or if it was only for the family. Music was playing from inside when I got to his door but he turned it off when I knocked.
“Hi,” Aidan said with a smile. He stepped back so I could walk inside and I got my first glimpse of his place.
It was basically a studio apartment, but bigger than I expected. A small kitchen was on one end with the living room in the middle and the bedroom on the opposite side. My pulse kicked up when I saw the edge of his king sized bed, partially hidden by a large TV, made up in charcoal sheets and matching comforter.
Oh God, I was in trouble.
“Your place is nice,” I told him, focusing on anything except his bed.
“Thanks. It’s small, but it’s cheap. I’ve almost got enough money to buy a house. Or the downpayment at least. I’m hoping to be out of here in a few months.”
Aidan turned and walked back to the kitchen so I followed him. Something smelled amazing, sweet with a hint of spicy. “I made dinner. It’s just a chicken stir fry, but I also got cupcakes from Bite Me! I hope it’s okay.”
I smiled at his shyness, wondering why he was acting strange. He seemed as confused by our new relationship as I was. After being friends for so many years it felt even more awkward to change that. I still thought of him as my friend, Aidan, but it was mixed in with a desire for him that I’d been suppressing for years. All of a sudden it was okay for me to want him, which was nice, but how badly I wanted him scared the shit out of me.
Especially thinking about more cupcakes. The last time we shared cupcakes I nearly attacked him in the middle of the store. Alone, I didn’t know what I’d do.
“Stir fry sounds great. It smells delicious. I don’t really like cooking for myself so I rarely get a decent home cooked meal. Xander’s a really good cook so I get good food when I go over there for dinner.”
Jealousy, or what looked like it, flashed across Aidan’s eyes. He looked down at the food he was stirring and it was gone when his eyes met mine. “I like to cook, but it’s always better to have someone special to share it with.”
If that was a line, I was sunk. I bought it without question. He thought I was special. I don’t think any man had ever said I was special. Well, except my dad, but he didn’t really count.
Whatever jealousy I saw in his eyes a few minutes earlier was replaced by warmth. I stepped up to him as his arms opened and wrapped my arms around his waist, holding him tight. He pressed a kiss to my head and I felt him inhale my hair. “You smell so good. I’ve missed being close to you. That sounds so stupid, but it’s true.”
“It sounds wonderful. I feel the same way.”
He leaned back just far enough to look at me before leaning down to seal our lips together. It was a soft kiss, sweet and sexy in every way. His lips ignited my body and I pulled him just a little tighter to me. He angled his head and his tongue drifted out to run along my bottom lip.
I paused and enjoyed the feel of his tongue. I breathed out a sigh and drew in his tongue, gently tangling together with mine. He tasted cool and sweet, like a glass of loganberry. His fingers fisted in my hair and his tongue dipped into my cheek. One of my hands ran up his body to his chest. I loved the feel of his muscles under my fingers. They jumped at my touch and I trembled at the power I had over him.
Aidan pulled back, our lips still touching, and whispered, “We need to eat. I know you’ve got to be hungry.”
Instead of denying it my stomach growled loudly. “I guess you’re right,” I said against his lips. “It’s just
hard to walk away from you.”
“I’m not going anywhere, honey. I’ll be right here whenever you need me.”
I hugged him again, knowing it was the truth. Whatever was going on with Aidan and me, it wasn’t little and it wasn’t temporary. After all my worrying, I knew without a doubt that what Aidan and I had was what I’d always hoped I’d find. What we had was meant to be.
Aidan finally stepped away and got out two plates. He handed me one and I started to fill it as he searched for drinks. “I know you don’t drink much but I have pop, water, loganberry-“
“You have loganberry?” I interrupted.
“Yeah, I love it. Do you want some?”
I nodded happily and filled my plate. The spiciness filled my nose and left my mouth watering. I couldn’t wait to dig in.
Aidan sat down next to me on the couch and flipped the TV on. “I thought we could watch The Office reruns. You’ve said it’s one of your favorite shows but I’ve never seen it.”
“You’re kidding right? You’ve never seen The Office? Yes, we have to watch it. You’ll be laughing so hard.”
Aidan clicked on The Office and I sat back, my dinner forgotten, to watch the opening scenes of the show I’d loved for years. How Aidan had missed it I had no idea, but I’d seen first hand over the last few weeks how much he worked. And how much he’d paid attention to me.
I finished my dinner as the first episode ended. We cleaned up the small kitchen then settled in for more of The Office. After about three episodes Aidan said, “I feel for Jim. Liking a woman he works with but not being able to do anything about it… it’s borderline torture.”
“Yeah, well, things work out for Jim and Pam in the end. And who are you interested in at work?”
He looked at me, his eyebrows knitted together and dragged me across to couch to his arms. “You, of course. I’m just glad I can do this now.”
His lips brushed mine, barely a kiss. He pulled back enough to look into my droopy lust filled eyes and went in for another kiss. He didn’t wait this time. There was no build-up or tentativeness. He just went for it.
Lush & Lovely (Big & Beautiful Book 2) Page 10
