by Kate Hall
“How?” she asks. I don’t answer, just stroke her hair.
When I look out the window, the older angels are returning to their classrooms.
If I’m not there, they’ll come looking for me. They can’t find Desireé here. They’ll destroy her. If I don’t feel like I belong, she sure as hell won’t.
“I have to go,” I say, pulling away from her. It’s like tearing off one of my limbs, and I grimace. She lets out a little cry, but she doesn’t try to keep me in her arms. “I’ll be back. If I don’t go now, though, they’ll find you.”
She closes her eyes and nods. I press my lips to her forehead. “I’ll be back,” I whisper. A promise. She has to be here when I return. I don’t know what I’ll do if she’s not. “Please don’t leave.”
I pick up my sword, but I don’t look back before leaving. If I do, I’ll stay.
I close the door behind me and head back to class.
Chapter Eighteen
Everyone stares at me when I return to the classroom. I’m certain I smell like sulfur, but nobody comments. It’s almost like they’re too intimidated. I recall the disappearance of the original demon that I slayed. If anyone asks, I can just tell them that the same thing happened this time. Nobody has to know.
“Is everyone okay?” I ask, unable to bring forth much energy. I’m exhausted from my racing heart and the revelations of the day.
“Yeah,” Nicolai says, his jaw propped open just a little.
I nod and take my seat just as Azrael flies back in, her face grave. “Everyone should go back to their dormitories,” she says. Then, she turns to me, a question on her face when she sees the sword. Everyone is already leaving, and she asks me, “Are you alright?”
I nod.
“Did you…?” She doesn’t speak the full sentence. I don’t want her to, because I’d have to attempt to lie to her. I am so tired of lying to people.
I shrug, casting my eyes downward. Let her make her assumptions. It’s better than the truth.
She takes a moment before speaking again. “Would you like to discuss it?”
Instead of answering, I shake my head.
“Will I see you at our lessons this weekend?” she asks. Her voice is filled with nothing but concern for me and my well-being. I almost feel bad in deceiving her.
“Yeah,” I say.
No matter how kind she is now, there’s no way she would feel the same if she knew what I was hiding in my room.
Chapter Nineteen
“What was I like?” Desireé asks that night as I watch her. The longer I look at her, the less terrifying she seems. She may be a demon, but she’s also the girl I’ve known for years, and she’s curled up in my giant bed, her head on my pillow. I’m so filled with affection that I could burst.
I scoot my chair forward and take one of her hands in mine. She tried hiding her hands from me when I got back, out of apparent fear that they would make me uncomfortable. Now, though, I stroke the smooth skin and subtle veins below, tracing patterns that only I will remember. I half expect my hands to come away covered in soot, but they’re clean.
“You were the kindest person I ever knew,” I say. She smiles the tiniest bit, and my heart soars with this small victory. I would die a thousand more times for that smile. “You cared about every single person. And for some reason, you decided that I was your favorite out of all those people.”
She sighs, her eyes fluttering shut. I wonder when the last time she laid in a bed was.
“Do you want to sleep?” I ask, lacing my fingers through hers. She’s careful to make sure her talons don’t dig into the back of my hand.
Her eyes snap back open, and she glances up at me. This close, I can still make out the one tiny gold spot in her otherwise blue irises. It’s on her right eye, and her mom used to call it an Angel’s kiss. I lean forward and rest my lips on her forehead, a habit I’d forgotten I had until I finally saw her again.
“Sleep?” she asks. Her eyebrows bunch together, and I pull away and smooth out the space between them with the thumb of my spare hand. “What’s that?”
I have to bite my cheek to keep from overreacting and startling her. Exactly how much of herself did she lose down there?
“It’s when you close your eyes and lose consciousness. Usually in a comfy bed,” I say softly, brushing her loose hair back from her forehead. If she’s gone years without sleep, she must be exhausted.
“We weren’t allowed to have that,” she said. “If we lost consciousness, we were punished.”
In this moment, I want nothing more than to destroy the creatures that did this to her. I have to fight to keep my hands from clenching into fists.
“Nobody is gonna hurt you hear,” I say. “I promise.”
I hope it’s not a lie. I will do my best to keep anybody from harming her. For the rest of eternity, it will be my mission to keep her safe.
Her eyes flutter shut once again, and, within seconds, she’s asleep, her hand going slack in mine.
*
Over the next few days, I sneak her food and news. After a close call with Gabe showing up at my door at the end of the week, I picture an enormous walk-in closet instead of my shallow one. It even has a false wall at the back with a plush twin bed on the floor of a cubby. I try to make an entire extra room, but that doesn’t seem to be within the bedroom’s capabilities. This will have to do.
Saturday, I have my lesson with Azrael in the same field Huỳnh showed me before. I’m getting better at using my wings, although I can still only barely get off the ground.
“You’re improving at an incredible rate,” Azrael comments when I fall to the ground once again.
I don’t feel like it, but I don’t tell her that.
By the end of the day, I’m even more frustrated than I was before.
When I get back to my door to spend time with Desireé, Huỳnh takes my arm in hers. I stifle a groan. I just want to be back with Desireé, but avoiding my friends is a good way to get caught.
“How were flying lessons?” she asks, leaning on me. “I haven’t seen you much this week.”
I shrug. “I’m still terrible at flying. And I’ve been sleeping a lot this week. People keep staring at me.”
The lie comes easily. In fact, ever since Desireé showed up, I haven’t slept a wink. I’m too paranoid that someone will walk in while we’re both asleep and catch her, although I haven’t had so much as a knock at my door since the second demon attack.
“Well, you have to come to book club tonight. We’re already halfway through New Moon.”
I laugh. Of course they took to that series like fish to water. Or, more accurately, birds to the sky. “I’m not too concerned about missing out. I’ve read it before. When I was alive.”
Huỳnh fakes shock, placing her hand on her chest and gasping. “You picked out a book you’ve already read? I can’t believe you’d betray the book club like this!”
“I know,” I say. “I’m a devious one.”
Huỳnh laughs as we walk down to the mess hall. I keep my head steadily forward so I’m not tempted to look back at my door, the one Desireé is trapped behind. I so wish I could take her out with me, show her campus, introduce her to my friends. They’d be sure to like her.
I bite my lip. No, Huỳnh and Gabe would slaughter her in a heartbeat if they knew about her.
“Are you okay?” Huỳnh asks, pulling me to a seat. She seems genuinely concerned for me. “You seem really distracted.” Then, she lowers her voice. “Is it because of the demon?”
My eyes shoot up to hers, but she merely looks worried. “Demon?” I ask. Stay casual. Stay. Casual.
She nods. “I heard you killed another one when the school was attacked again.”
I look away. “Yeah. It’s getting to me a bit.”
She takes my hand in hers. “Most students have only killed one demon. We go out for occasional patrols after getting our wings, but demons are so rare that the only ones we kill are during our ini
tiation.”
This is news to me. I haven’t actually learned anything about how angels usually get their wings. “Initiation?”
She tilts her head. “That’s how we get our wings. The same way you got yours. Just not as dangerous. At the end of first term, we have to kill a demon. It’s usually subdued, though. Nothing like what happened to you.”
Why am I sick all of a sudden? Aside from Desireé, I should hate all demons. They’re the creatures that destroyed her, after all. The creatures that tried to kill me. The long-healed scars on my shoulder itch. Still, I can’t help but wonder just how many other demons were good people who had the humanity tortured out of them. Maybe all of them.
And if I’d ended up in the same place as Desireé, there’s no doubt the angels would’ve destroyed me on sight, too.
Chapter Twenty
“What happens if an angel is destroyed by a demon?” I ask Azrael after flying practice yields few results.
She studies my face. Instead of answering, she asks, “Are you alright? I’ve heard you’ve been sleeping quite a bit since the last attack.”
I shrug. “I’m fine. Just curious. I mean, we’re already dead, so what could possibly happen afterwards?”
Azrael’s eyes bore into mine, studying me for a moment. I refuse to be the first to look away. Eventually, she sighs. “It’s been millennia since I’ve seen an angel die. But it does happen. Has happened.”
I bite my lip and look out across the flying field and into where the mountainous waterfalls cascade into the soft clouds. “I’m sorry,” I say. “I didn’t mean to bring up bad memories.”
Azrael shakes her head. “You will find that most of the professors here are highly experienced in battle. We were the first. Before the world was created, there were angels, and there was the Creator.”
I nod. I know all this from my History of Heaven and Earth class. We’d covered the pre-history the first two days.
“There was an uprising,” she explains. “When the Creator made Earth. An angel and a human.”
I don’t dare to look at her, but her voice is distant, like she’s seeing it all again. This part had been skimmed over, but I know the gist of it.
“Lucifer and Lilith,” I say. The angel who fell, and the human woman who refused to serve. I know more about this story from Earth than anything else. When Lucifer fell from the Creator’s graces, Lilith had gone with him so she wouldn’t have to serve beneath Adam.
I don’t tell Azrael how reasonable that seems to me. I’m already desperate to stay as far from the center of attention as I can get. After the recent events that have people staring at me, I just want to hide in my room until they forget.
Azrael sighs. “Yes. With their fall came the creation of Hell. Lilith became the mother of demons, and Adam’s child, Cain, became the first murderer, also known by another name.”
“What name?” I look back at Azrael, but she’s staring off into the clouds like I had been. She doesn’t turn to me.
“Death,” she says, and my heart thuds solidly in my chest. The word is so much a part of who I am that my reaction shocks me. I thought I’d gotten used to the concept of death by this point, but apparently not. “The name many humans ascribe to me, but I’m much less powerful than Death.”
“But wouldn’t that make him evil?” I ask. “I mean, he killed his brother. How do we end up here if Cain is…” I struggle with the final word. Death is a concept, right? Not a person. That’s just something from movies. If Death is a real person, does that mean the other horses of the apocalypse are real?
Azrael’s eyes turn to me. “She was able to atone for her sins. She was granted forgiveness by the Creator, although her eternal penance was to guide the dead to their places in the afterlife.”
This information consumes me, but Azrael isn’t done talking.
“However, when angels and demons are killed, they are led by Cain to purgatory.”
“And what is that?” I ask. I’ve heard the term, but I know by now that nothing I learned on Earth can be certain.
Azrael cups her palm around my cheek. “That’s not something you should have to worry about. No angels have been killed since the original war.” The answer frustrates me, but I don’t push. Her voice is strained as it is, and I can’t bring suspicion upon myself.
“Thanks,” I say, smiling just a little to show that I’m satisfied.
She releases me and sucks in a deep breath, then a peaceful smile spreads across her face. “Go to dinner. Spend time with your friends. I’ll see you in class.”
I nod and turn to leave.
“And Avery?” she calls just as I’m about to enter the shining castle that I call home.
I stop and glance back.
“Have a good weekend.”
I nod and go back to my room.
Chapter Twenty-One
Why was I not informed that Theaa Academy had a gigantic library?
I’ve been standing here gawking at it for so long that Huỳnh grabs my arm. “You alright?” she asks.
I ignore her. There are books. Thousands of books. Probably millions. They’re stacked with precision on shelves that tower up to the ceiling, which is stories above us. Each shelf is made of a white stone with glistening gold filigree, and golden letters and numbers are etched into each side.
“Where are the ladders? The stairs?” I breathe.
Huỳnh laughs. “Why would there be any if we have wings?”
She runs and leaps into the air, catching herself with her wings. I join her, albeit far more clumsily, and my muscles strain at the effort. Now that I’m higher than eye level, though, I realize that the filigree elements double at footholds and handles. There are a couple other students here, some at the ground-level tables, and others using the handles and footholds to scroll through the shelves.
As my wings weaken from exertion, I tilt myself just in time to grab one of the golden handles. I scramble to get my foot on the tiny ledge, my heart racing as I look down.
“I think stairs would help,” I say breathlessly to Huỳnh when she joins me. “Or even ladders.”
She rolls her eyes and leans back, her weight on the foothold and hand gripped around a single handle. I suppose that she can always catch herself if she falls, but the position makes my heart race.
“What books are you looking for?” she asks, tilting her head back and closing her eyes. I wish I were that confident in my abilities. I’m fairly certain I’m going to have to climb down the shelves to get back to the floor when we’re done, and we’re not even that far off the ground.
“I’m not really sure. I want to do my History essay on Death and her relationship with Heaven. Where would I even find something like that?” I make the mistake of looking to the ground, and I cling even tighter. Please don’t fall. Please don’t fall.
The midterm essay had been the perfect excuse to learn more about purgatory. If I can find out more about Death, maybe I can figure out why I ended up in Heaven while sweet Desireé landed in Hell. It just doesn’t make sense, but maybe I can make sense of it. Is there a way to make an appeal to Death? Or even the Creator? Desireé deserves to be here even more than I do, yet she’s trapped in my room, lest she be sent to purgatory or back to Hell. I can’t do that to her.
Huỳnh glances around the shelf we’re on. “We’re in the section about Human History, so…” she squints and stares further up and across. Then, she points. “There. Right at the top. History of Death.”
I groan. We’re only twenty feet off the ground, but it feels like a million miles. How am I supposed to make it all the way up there?
Huỳnh evaluates me. “I think you should do it. But I’ll show you a trick I learned when I first got my wings.”
With that, she turns and hops away, pumping her wings a single time, the powerful muscles propelling her a single level up but on the shelves directly across from us.
“Your turn,” she says. Why the hell is she grinning? This is easy for
her by now.
I grit my teeth and try the same, but I fumble it so badly that I’m still on the same level, just across from where we were standing.
“Again,” Huỳnh says down to me. She demonstrates, and I hop after her. At least this time I end up a little higher. Only one level, but still.
We repeat this process until we make it all the way to the top.
“Don’t look down,” Huỳnh says as I cling to the side of the shelf, eyes firmly shut.
“Don’t worry about it,” I gasp. “I’m never opening my eyes again. I live here now. This is my home. Tell Gabe that we’re eating dinner here every day, because I’m not moving.”
She laughs, but I don’t open my eyes.
“I’m serious,” I insist. “If demons want to fight me, they’ll have to come up here to do it.” My heart is beating out of my chest. I can’t believe that I’m hundreds of feet in the air, precariously perched on a library shelf. Can I die from a high fall in Heaven? That shouldn’t be possible, right?
“Avery, come on,” Huỳnh says. I can practically hear the eye roll in her tone. Of course this is funny to her. When I was alive, though, I couldn’t even bring myself to dive off the mid-height diving board at the community pool in the summer.
I open my eyes slowly, keeping my chin tilted up. Is the shelf leaning back? I take in a deep breath. No, it’s steady. They probably couldn’t fall if we tried.
I stare at the books in front of me, and it takes me a few seconds before I can absorb any of the titles.
“You’ll be fine,” Huỳnh says. “I promise. If you fall, I’ll catch you.”
I sigh. “Okay.” I don’t totally believe her.
Chapter Twenty-Two
“Can angels get headaches?” I ask, resting my forehead on the chilly desk in my room.
Desireé doesn’t reply. I tilt my head to look at her, and she’s got a mouthful of ice cream.
“I’m glad you got the room figured out,” I say. For the first while, Desireé hadn’t been able to convince my room to give her things like food and movies. Now, though, she has a habit of summoning far too many things at once. At least she seems to be getting some of her spark back.
