by Kate Hall
He raises an eyebrow, but he doesn’t get up. “I just thought you could use a friend,” he says, folding his arms behind his head like he owns the place.
“I have friends,” I retaliate, but I’m not sure it’s totally true. Although Huỳnh and Gabe still tolerate me, they clearly don’t trust me in the slightest. Maybe I don’t have friends anymore, but it’s not like Nicolai has made anyone attempt to spend time with me lately, either. Nobody here trusts me, and I don’t really blame them.
He sighs. “I’m not here to fight with you, Avery.” He sits back up, his face going from cocky to concerned in an instant. “I’ve been watching you, to be honest.”
This surprises me, and I take a step back. Is it possible that Nicolai is dangerous? Is he going to threaten me? Does he know about my research into Cain?
“I want to ask you about Death,” he asks. The way he says it lets me know that he’s not talking about the concept, but the person. The foreboding figure that people wonder about in the night.
“What about her?” I ask, sitting at my desk since he’s taken up residence in my bed.
He looks at me, then looks at the door, then leans forward. When he speaks again, his voice is hushed, like he’s afraid of being overheard.
“I don’t think I’m supposed to be here,” he says. “I heard what you said with…that girl. And I think, if you think she’s supposed to be here, then it’s possible that…” But he doesn’t finish his sentence. His eyes dart to the door once again.
I laugh. I can’t help it. The sound bursts out of me, and when I start, I can’t stop. Tears spring to my eyes, and my shoulders shake. I can’t breathe, so I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have to.
“What’s so funny?” he asks, shooting to his feet.
I gasp for breath, more out of habit than necessity. “I thought I was the only one,” I gasp out. His jaw drops.
“What are you talking about?” he asks, striding over to me. His shoulders are tense, and he crosses his arms.
I shake my head. The laughter is gone, but the tears are not. I shudder, and he puts a hand on my shoulder awkwardly.
“It’s alright,” he says. “Take your time.”
I suck in a deep breath and try my best to quell the tears.
“This will be easier if I get my notes.”
He nods.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
“I want to speak with Cain,” I say.
Azrael looks up from her desk in surprise, setting down the stack of papers in front of her.
“What?”
I look away from her eyes. I can’t concentrate with her gaze on me. “I want to speak with Cain. Find out if what Des—” I stop myself from saying her name. It won’t help my case. I still haven’t seen her since she was taken from me, and I fear that I never will again. “The demon. I want to find out if what she said was a lie, like you say. And I think that Cain is the only way I can really lift the…” I struggle to say it, but I spit out “curse.”
Azrael considers me for a moment, her eyes tracing over my face and my body. I have to force my hands to stay relaxed.
Finally, she nods.
“Alright,” she concedes. “I will see what I can do.” She considers her words carefully. “If the answer isn’t what you think, though, you must drop these thoughts. They aren’t good for you, and it will end badly if you aren’t able to rid yourself of them.”
At that, I clench my hands into fists, but I nod. “Of course,” I say.
She smiles. “I’m glad you’re beginning to see the light.”
I look away. “Yeah, me too.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
While we wait for Cain’s response, Nicolai tells me about his life.
He grew up in a huge city in Russia. Like me, he was poor. And, like me, he did what he had to in order to survive.
That’s where the similarities end, though.
“I didn’t want to hurt anybody,” he breathes, sitting against the footboard of my bed while I lean against the headboard. There’s a movie playing so that our conversation will be drowned out to any potential listening ears. I may be under suspicion, but that’s no reason to compromise Nicolai’s position in Theaa Academy. His eyes are downcast, and I listen intently. “I had to, though. If I didn’t get money back for the gang, I would be beaten instead. Or starved. Or, worse, kicked out. Left on the street to die like others.”
I’m sick to my stomach, but I hang on his every word. What he’s telling me is important, and I know something about doing what needs to be done. I may not have broken anybody’s kneecaps out, but I did steal from my friends’ parents when there were slumber parties, small things like diamond earrings and silverware and crystal ashtrays. It took some practice, but I got good at determining what was valuable. I had to.
It eventually turned to worse things. Credit card fraud. Blackmail. I got really good at ruining marriages with false allegations if I wasn’t given what I wanted. I may have never physically hurt anyone, but people were still hurt. Badly. The whole time, Dad didn’t notice what was going on. He was too busy being passed-out drunk.
“If I’d known what came after,” he said, his eyes sad, “I would have starved.”
I nod. If I’d known that I would go to Hell, I would’ve just taken what life had given me. Maybe it could’ve gotten better for me if I hadn’t done so much harm, but I was in too deep to stop. Now, though, it’s so much worse than I could have imagined. Because I’m not the one who ended up in Hell, although I am the one who deserved it.
He scoots over and takes my hand in his, desperate for any form of comfort. I rub my thumb over the back of his hand, and it reminds me of the same motion I’d done to Desireé. Tears prick at my eyes. Her condition is my fault in every way. If I’d been better, tried harder, she would be here. Maybe we both would.
“In the end, I was killed by one of the targets,” he says, his voice thick with emotion. “And after they threw me in the frozen river, they got Nadia.” His fingers tighten on mine, and I ignore the tears streaming down his face.
“Nadia?” I ask gently.
He nods. “My twin sister.”
I frown. I’d known the world could be a terrible place, but I never considered that the things Nicolai is telling me could happen in real life. It’s like something out of a movie.
“She’s the one who spoke to Cain on your behalf,” I say, my words gentle.
He nods. “She must be. But I don’t understand why I remember her. You said you didn’t remember Desireé until you saw her again.”
I shake my head. “I don’t know. I really don’t.”
A knock at the door interrupts us, and we split apart. “Come in,” I call.
Gabriel opens the door, and he looks uncomfortable being here. He hasn’t quite warmed to me since the incident with Desireé.
“Cain is here,” he says.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Cain is not at all what I’ve been expecting.
I’ve been picturing a towering, shrouded figure in dark robes and carrying a scythe. Or a tall, muscular warrior queen with flowing golden hair.
Instead, I come face to face with a short, portly woman with skin as dark as the night sky and Earth-brown eyes that are wide as a baby deer. She has a mass of kinky hair that falls all the way to her waist, and her clothing is a simple pair of dark high-waisted jeans and a white t-shirt with a pale blue denim jacket.
When she smiles at me, I shiver. Getting a smile from Death is unsettling, to say the least.
“Avery,” she says warmly. “It’s nice to see you again.”
I wrap my arms around myself, suddenly cold. Why the hell did I think I should be allowed to speak with Cain? As soon as I’m here with her, I know deep in my soul that she is more powerful than anyone I’ve ever met. Where the Archangels may be ancient, powerful beings, they can’t control Death. They have no say over what happens when someone dies.
And Cain controls it completely.
/> She’s more powerful than any of them. And I’m trapped in a room with her.
“No need to be afraid, Avery,” she says, taking a seat in a big leather chair in the old-fashioned parlor where we’ve met. I didn’t even know this room existed, although it’s not too surprising. Theaa is huge, and I’ve only begun to scratch the surface of its secrets. “I know why you’re here.”
“You do?” I ask carefully. And what if I’m wrong about Desireé? What if it’s all been one big trick? I’m not sure I could bare the heartbreak.
She nods, then takes a sip of a drink that suddenly appears in her hand.
“Iced Mocha,” she explains without prompting. “They’re my absolute favorite. I was so excited when humans invented them.”
I nod. I don’t want to be the first to bring up my precarious situation at Theaa. I’d rather she say something. Mostly because, despite her diminutive frame, she is terrifying. Her whole body emanates power, and my wings shrink back, tightening close to my body.
“So, you want to talk about your girlfriend.” She takes another sip of her drink.
I nod again. I have no idea what to say to her about this situation that she doesn’t already know.
She shrugs. “I’m sorry, but she asked to switch places with you. There’s nothing else I can do.”
I suck in a breath, and tears prick at the corners of my eyes. “So it’s true? I’m not supposed to be here?”
“Oh no, you’re supposed to be here,” Cain says. “Every person in Heaven or Hell is where they’re supposed to be, because the decisions are mine to make and nobody else’s.” I’m about to protest, to ask why Desireé and I were switched if we had no say, but she stops me. “Sometimes, I listen to special cases.” She narrows her eyes. “Sometimes.”
I wait for her to continue, but she doesn’t. It takes me three tries before I can convince my mouth to open and words to come out. “Nicolai, too?”
She nods. “Yes. His sister insisted that he was good at heart. I disagreed, but she insisted. So I did it.”
I shake my head. This is all so much to process. The Angels were wrong. Desireé did nothing to me. “But why?”
She shrugs. “I was human once, too. And I did a terrible thing.”
My eyes widen. “Your brother.”
“Yes,” she sighs. “Abel. He was a good person, too. For the most part. But one day, he lost his temper, and I defended myself.” Her voice has gone distant. Although the memory is from thousands of years ago, she’s acting like it was just yesterday. “I only meant to stop him. I didn’t mean…” She snaps back to attention, then clears her throat. “Anyway. He’s doing great now. Heaven and all that. The Creator decided that I was to choose our fates. I thought I was being clever by saying that I would get to control Death.” She hesitates.
I wait for her to continue. Whatever she has to say is worth more than any words that could come out of my mouth.
“This job…it takes a lot. And it’s not easy. But I do what I can.” She shrugs. “I’m only human, after all.”
I sigh. Despite all her power, her age, her experience, I can sense that this last sentence is the truest of all. Beneath everything else, Cain is still human. She can see the nuances of good and evil, and she’s the one who has to decide where each person falls.
“So what do I do?” I ask, my voice small. I may have wings and a magic sword, but I’m still just a seventeen-year-old screw-up.
She shrugs. “I only came here to tell you the truth. And have a conversation. It gets old talking to newly dead people all day every day.”
My jaw drops. “So you’re not gonna help me? You’re not gonna set things right so that Desireé is where she belongs?”
Her expression darkens. “Desireé is exactly where she belongs. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. When I make my choice, that is what’s supposed to happen. That’s how it works. You may not have been a good person on Earth, what with all your swindling and life-ruining, but I put you here. Just like I put Nicolai here even though he’s a murderer.” She sets her jaw. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a job to do.”
She sets her coffee on the side table, and, when I blink, she’s gone.
Chapter Thirty
The meeting had mostly been a waste of time, it seems. The only thing I know now that I didn’t before is that I’m certain that Desireé didn’t use any sort of magic on me. Back in my room, I confirm Nicolai’s suspicions about his sister, and his face crumples into a thousand pieces.
We continue going through the days. If I’m where I’m supposed to be, then I can’t convince the angels to release Desireé. She may be good, and she may deserve Heaven, but, according to Death herself, it’s not where she belongs. The difference is maddening. And, without Cain on my side, I have no case for the Archangels.
My flying is slowly getting to the point where it’s acceptable, and I stop trying to sit with Huỳnh and Gabe. They don’t want to be around me, so I don’t want to inflict myself on them any longer. One evening, I catch Huỳnh staring at me, her eyes sad. I consider reaching out, but I just can’t.
Nobody could possibly understand, except, of course, Nicolai.
We tell each other about our lives.
About the people who sacrificed themselves for us.
In the mess hall one evening, we’re eating our food and ignoring the chatter around us. “When I’d have sleepovers at her house, she’d make us pancakes with chocolate chips in the mornings,” I tell him. The memory sits fondly in my head. It was like Desireé glowed in the morning light streaming in through the kitchen window, and her kisses had tasted like chocolate.
He smiles faintly. “Nadia always made sure I had enough blankets. The heat went out in our apartment, and we probably would have frozen to death without her.” He frowns. “She didn’t know where my money came from, only that it was enough to pay the landlord and keep us from starving. It would have killed her to know what I did.” He pauses, and his eyes go sad. They do that a lot these days. “I guess it did that anyway.”
I smile just a little back at him. It charms me that he’d kept his indiscretions from his older sister. “It’s not your fault,” I say. That’s something we tell each other a lot, too. The one lie we tell each other. It’s not your fault she died. Even though, for both of us, it was. We’d both been the causes of death.
Yet we’d been put in Heaven.
It’s not fair.
Someone comes up to my right, and I glance up, surprised to find Huỳnh standing there.
“Hi, Avery,” she says, the smallest of smiles on her face. She looks at Nicolai. “I’m Huỳnh,” she says, sticking her hand out. “Third term.”
He takes her hand in his. “Nicolai. First term.” He gestures toward his back, empty of wings. “Obviously.”
My shoulders are tense, but I don’t ask about Huỳnh’s motivations. She seems uncomfortable enough as it is. She glances around and takes a seat.
She and Nicolai talk about boring stuff, classes and assignments and such, and I chime in with the occasional comment, but. I can’t bring myself to be invested in what they’re talking about.
“So,” Huỳnh says slowly, “are you ready for the initiation test next week?” She glances at me, but then her eye contact goes back to Nicolai.
He shrugs. “I guess so. I mean, I kind of have to be, don’t I?” He doesn’t look ready, though. He hasn’t said as much, but I know that the prospect that he might be killing an innocent person is getting to him. It makes sense. I’m terrified at the same idea.
Huỳnh nods slowly, then glances around, like she’s checking to see if anyone is listening. They’re not, of course. I stopped being interesting about a week after the incident with Desireé that half the school witnessed. They’ve moved well past that. Even Azrael is no longer wary of me since my meeting with Cain. Then, Huỳnh leans forward. Out of habit, Nicolai and I do the same, although his face holds the same confused expression as the one I can feel forming on m
y own.
“Third terms are the ones who had to capture the demons for the initiation,” she hisses, her eyes wide. Her fingers grip the table, the knuckles white as bone. She looks right at me when she continues. “Your demon is one of the ones there.” She shakes her head, then takes a deep breath. “I looked over your notes for your essay. And I saw the note about Death being able to make switches.”
I wait for her to ask the last question, the one that will reveal the truth, but she just watches me, waiting to see which of us will break first. My heart races at the thought that Desireé is locked in a cage somewhere, awaiting her death. And there’s nothing I can do about it.
“It happened to me, too,” Nicolai mumbles, and her head snaps toward him. Her eyes go even wider, which I hadn’t realized was even possible. They’re practically popping out of her skull. “My sister. She was going to be here, not me, but Death switched us.”
Huỳnh takes a moment to process this, then sighs. Her eyes go back to a reasonable size as she leans back. “Wow,” she whispers. She wraps her arms around herself as if she’s cold or something. “Wow,” she says again.
After a few moments of silence while she processes this, I say, “It’s true. Cain told me that she switched Desireé and I when we died.” I’m almost to the point where I can say that without my voice shaking, although I stumble over her name. She’s going to die. For real this time. She’ll be well and truly gone. Because of me. Again.
Huỳnh grits her teeth. “If that’s true,” she says slowly, “then maybe there’s something we can do.” Her voice wavers, and she looks around like someone might be listening in.
My eyes widen. “What are you talking about?”
She shakes her head. “Not here. I’ll meet at your room after dinner.”
I nod. This conversation has already gotten into dangerous territory. If someone were to hear us, we could all be in big trouble. What type of trouble do Angels get in, though? I can’t imagine that it’s anything simple.
