by Sam Mariano
"I'm so sorry, Nikki. I never meant for this to happen. I didn't even... Kayla and I... we didn't even..."
"Fuck?" I said, offering the word he didn't seem to be able to get out. "For some reason I don't believe that."
"Not often," he said.
"It only takes once, Derek," I said, feeling so angry that I ached to hit him.
"Well, that's about all it happened. As soon as—"
"I don't want to hear about it," I said irritably. "How far along is she?"
"I don't know," he said. "We didn't... it couldn't have been before that football game we all went to together."
My heart fell again, and I asked myself why he had to give me an exact timeframe to imagine when he was screwing Kayla.
"Wasn't it just after that that you promised me you wouldn't sleep with her?" I asked.
"I didn't! After you told me you would break up with Andy and asked me not to—I swear, Nikki, I didn't."
"That doesn't leave a very big window of opportunity for getting pregnant," I muttered.
"I didn't even care about her," he said, sounding newly annoyed. "I only did it because you slept with Andy."
I thought my heart couldn't sink any lower, but it did. "I didn't sleep with Andy, you fucking idiot!" I yelled. "He's Mr. Christianity, I would've had to marry him first."
"But you said—"
"It wasn't true! I was trying to get back at you," I said, feeling like I was going to be sick. I was starting to feel frantic, so I pulled myself together, refusing to let him see me lose it.
“But you said—”
"It doesn't really matter now, does it?" I said.
"Nikki..." he said, not knowing what to say, but wanting to say something.
I looked down at him as coldly as I could. "If you think I'm going to be as stupid as my mother was, you are seriously mistaken. I'm not about to wait around and let you fuck with my emotions while you're fucking Kayla."
"I'm not—"
"You did," I said, cutting him off. "You will again. I'm not stupid. You are, after all, your father's son," I said scathingly.
"It was a mistake. I never meant for this to happen."
"No, Nobles never do," I remarked.
"If I would've known you didn't even sleep with him, I never would've—"
"Oh no," I said, stopping him before he could finish. "You're not pinning this on me. This is your fault, and I won't take the blame. I won't do what my mother did, wonder what I did wrong, if I should've moved faster. Actually, I guess you were fucking me first, so I don't suppose I could have moved any faster. I guess I just wasn't enough for you, huh?"
"It's not like that," he said.
I shook my head. "It doesn't really matter now, does it?"
He just looked at me, saying nothing.
"God!" I said, trying not to let him see that my hands were starting to shake. "I'm so stupid. I knew this would happen, I knew... that I shouldn't have trusted you. But I was stupid enough to think you were different. I thought you weren't like him. I'm such an idiot. Congratulations, Derek, you fooled me."
"I didn't fool you, Nikki. I didn't get her pregnant on purpose," he said, standing up.
"No, I guess you didn't do that part on purpose, Derek, but what did you say when I asked if you two were back together?"
He stood there silently, not answering. Finally, he said, "I can't just... I have to take responsibility, Nikki..."
I choked on something that might have been a laugh. "Of course. Well, good luck with that. You have fun with Kayla and your responsibility," I said, turning to walk out the door. Then I stopped and turned around, throwing the keys on his bed.
He picked them up and tried to give them back to me. "I want you to keep the car."
"I don't want it," I stated. "Give it to Kayla."
I turned to leave, but I paused just long enough to say, "I hope you know I really do hate you for this."
He looked as if he might actually cry. But he didn't, he just said, "I hate myself for this, too."
I nodded. "Good."
Then I turned and walked out his room, making my way quickly down the hall. I saw Mike's car in the driveway, but just as he opened his car door to get out, I went flying past his car, hoping he didn't see the tears I had just brushed away.
Alex was there when I got home, and he could probably tell just looking at me that not only had I been crying, but I was so cold that I couldn't feel my hands.
"What happened to you?" he asked, jumping up off the couch.
I didn't respond, I just made my way into my room and climbed into my bed, still in my coat and my shoes, and pulled the comforter up over me, closing my eyes and going to sleep.
When I first woke up the next morning, I didn't remember what had happened. For a split second I held onto my sleepy oblivion, and for those few seconds my world was as it had been before I talked to Derek.
Then, suddenly, it all came back.
I groaned, rolling over.
How could this be happening?
My unforgiving mind reminded me of the day at the park, the day I found out the rest of my mother's story, when Derek had wrapped his arms around me and told me he promised he wouldn't hurt me.
Oh right, that's how it happened.
I was stupid enough to believe him.
But I still couldn't quite understand. It was as if my heart absolutely refused to admit defeat. I ignored my sensible side to let Derek have a chance, so maybe I could have a chance at happiness, and of course, as I had always predicted, it ended in pain. If nothing else, that feeling of needing to double over in pain when he first said the words was enough to validate my brain's resistance.
But I was sincerely baffled. Even if Kayla was pregnant, I wouldn't have expected Derek to just roll over and do what his father had done. I realized on reflection that the reason I had finally let myself take a chance on Derek was because I thought he was on my side. I thought that he agreed that his father had made a bad choice by staying with Sarah. I never dreamed that he would do the same exact thing. He made it seem like I meant more to him than that.
But then, hadn't Mike done the same thing to my mother?
It took most of that day to stop crying, but by the time night came again, I had finally managed to contain my tears.
He wasn't worth my tears, after all. Nobody who made you want to cry was worth your tears.
And it was my own fault. When he told me that love wasn't what hurt my mother, his father was, I took that to mean that Derek thought his father made the wrong decision.
I told myself I must have been seeing only what I wanted to see.
Since I was no longer allowing myself to cry over him, but all I felt like doing was crying, I decided just to sleep.
However, when I would close my eyes and drift off to sleep, my dreams were filled with Derek and Kayla, happy, kissing. In one dream she had a rounded belly and she was shopping for baby clothes. Derek came up beside her, rubbing her belly and they looked so happy that even when I made myself wake up, I felt like I was going to vomit.
Damn him! Why did he have to win me over? When I initially had the dream that he got Kayla pregnant, I hadn't been nearly as bothered. Hell, I had even contemplated not trying to stop it.
But something had changed. What had changed? When had it changed? More importantly, why did I let it change?
On the third day that I kept myself locked in my room, not answering my phone, not writing in my journal, just reading books and working on my extra credit paper to distract myself, I heard a knock on my door.
"I'm not hungry," I called, assuming it was Alex offering me food again. Apparently, getting insanely obese would solve my problems—at least that seemed to be Alex's train of thought as he tried to shove food at me every half hour.
"Not even for chocolate ice cream?" Stephanie asked, opening the door.
As soon as I saw her, I felt the tears burning behind my eyes again, but I tried to suck it up.
; "Aw, Nicole," she said sadly, coming to my side and hugging me. "I heard what happened."
I took deep breaths, angry at myself for the tears welling up in my eyes. I tilted my head back, hoping the tears would go away.
"I brought ice cream and A Walk to Remember," she stated, sitting the tub of ice cream down on my bed and pulling the movie out of her purse. "We’re going to watch this movie and bawl our eyes out as we eat every last bite of this ice cream."
I managed to smile at her. "You didn't have to do that, Steph."
"Of course I did," she said, patting my hand. "Now you stay here, I'm going to go get us some spoons."
Stephanie stayed the night with me, and she left the next morning because she had to work. She had only been gone for two hours when my cell phone started ringing, and I looked down to see "Andy" on the caller ID.
I groaned, refusing to answer it. My head was hurting and I didn't know if he would offer me comfort or say "I told you so." I honestly wasn't sure what I would rather.
He must've called the house phone when he couldn't get through to my cell, because Alex knocked on my door and told me Andy was on the phone. I called back that I didn't feel like talking, and Alex went away. A minute later my cell phone was ringing again. I ignored it, but that time he left a voice mail.
"Hey Nicole," he said, his tone friendly, maybe even sympathetic. "It's Andy. I just wanted to call and see how you were doing. Stephanie told me what happened. I just thought I'd call and make sure you were okay. Give me a call if you want to talk, okay? Love you."
"Ugh," I groaned, flipping my cell phone shut. My head was pounding, my heart was aching, my mind was all out of whack, and he had to call and be wonderful. What was wrong with him? Seriously.
I never returned Andy's phone call, and what had started out as my best winter break ever ended up being the worst. My pride and dignity tried to tell me that I needed to pull myself together, return my phone calls, remember how to smile again, keep up appearances.
I just didn't have the energy.
When had I fallen in love with him? How did I miss that? Because I had to have fallen in love with him, otherwise I would have been okay. I wouldn't feel so devastated. I wouldn't spend my Christmas vacation –and Christmas day itself—holed up in my room, reading books so everyone would go away for a few chapters.
If I didn't love him, I wouldn't be so damn miserable.
But when did it happen? Why did I let it happen?
The night before it was time to return to school, I had a dream with my mother in it. In the beginning, she was in a white van, driving down a dark road. I spotted her, so I ran after her, calling for her to stop, to wait for me. She finally stopped, and I got into the van with her, but I felt as if I saw her all the time, I just happened to miss her for the few hours we had been separated.
"Hi, Nikki," she said, smiling softly at me.
I felt so happy in the dream, and I grinned at her. "Hi, Mom. I've missed you."
"I've missed you, too," she told me.
"Why did you leave me back there?" I asked, and in the dream, I must have known where she left me.
"I had to," she said. "Why are you sad?" she asked me.
I didn't feel sad, but I knew if my mother was asking why, I must be sad. "I don't know," I told her. Then, as if I had collided with the dream version of me, I suddenly knew why I was sad. "Derek... I love Derek."
She smiled softly, making my heart feel happier, somehow full of hope. "Ah, Mike's boy. He's beautiful, just like his father."
This upset me. "How can you still say that?"
She sighed at me, placing her hand on mine. "You'll be all right, honey. I know you feel terrible right now, but you're going to be okay."
"But I'm so sad," I told her.
My mother just smiled at me and got out of the van. "I'm sorry, I have to go now. Just trust me, sweetheart, you’re going to be all right. You’re stronger than I was. I love you."
I jumped out of the van to chase after her, but she was gone, as if she had never even been there.
I jerked myself awake, feeling strangely disturbed, but also a little more at peace.
After that dream I decided not to go back to sleep, instead taking a shower and picking out my orange sweater and a pair of jeans to wear for my first day back to school.
I couldn't stop thinking about the dream as I got ready for school, but oddly, I felt like everything was going to be all right. I no longer felt the urge to cry, and I really didn't even spend much time thinking of Derek or Kayla at all.
Since I had about an hour to kill, I even went out and started cleaning the kitchen to keep busy.
When Alex rolled out of bed and saw the change he sighed, looking relieved. "Oh, good, you're back. Do you know how many pink socks and T-shirts I have now?"
I chuckled. "You can't mix reds and whites."
He took a step toward me and surprised me by giving me a hug. "Are you all right now?" he asked.
I nodded, smiling a little. "Yeah, I'm going to be fine."
"That's my girl," he said, patting me on the back lightly before going to take a shower.
It was funny, I had been absolutely dreading going back to school, and that morning I was looking forward to it. I couldn't wait to get back in class, to learn and study and busy myself with doing something productive. As I got ready, I never once thought of Derek.
When I got to school, I put on a smile, and when Andy spotted me, I offered a smile and waved.
He came over to me, smiling tentatively. "Hey. How are you?"
"I'm great," I chirped. "How are you?"
"I'm pretty good," he said, still watching me. I guess when I didn't burst into tears, he felt more convinced that I wouldn't break, because he said, "I heard you had a crazy winter break."
"Not really," I said, walking into the school, letting him follow beside me. "I mostly did a lot of reading, just the normal stuff."
Seeing that I wasn't going to acknowledge it, he decided to follow suit, and he started telling me about his break, about his Christmas at his Grandpa's house, about his aunt and his cousin singing Christmas carols. "It was so fun," he enthused. "I wish you would have been there."
I smiled politely and nodded.
Steph spotted me next, and she called out, "Nicole!" leaving her group of friends and coming over to greet me.
I noticed that Derek and Kayla were standing in her group, but I ignored them and the sinking feeling in my stomach, and smiled at Stephanie. "Hey you! How was your break? I haven't talked to you in a while," I said, acting as if nothing had ever happened.
As far as Derek was to know, nothing had happened. I would not let him see that he had gotten that close to me.
Stephanie appeared to be a little startled by my cheerful attitude, but she adjusted quickly. "Oh, it was pretty good. I got a new laptop," she told me.
"Ooh, you wanted one of those."
"I know, I was so excited," she said. "What did you get?" she asked.
I saw Derek out of the corner of my eye, and I thought about the car he had given me. I merely smiled, rolling my eyes a little. "Well, Alex isn't good at buying me presents, but I did get two cute tops, a gift card for the bookstore, and some money."
"Not bad," she said, offering a smile.
"That's what I thought," I said with a nod.
"Oh, hey Nicole," Kayla called out as if she had just seen me, smiling falsely and waving at me.
That was a true test of my dignity. There were so many things I would have loved to call back to her, so many things I would have liked to say to that conniving little bitch. But I controlled myself, merely blinking at her, and turned my attention back to Steph.
"Anyway, I should probably get to class."
Stephanie smiled sheepishly. "You okay?"
"Oh, I'm great," I said. "Never been better." Then I smiled brightly and headed off into the school building, breezing past Derek and Kayla as if I didn't even see them.
I thought
I was safe until Derek jogged up beside me. "Hey," he said.
I looked down at my books as if I hadn't heard him and just kept walking, moving a little faster.
"I've tried to call you," he said.
"I was busy," I responded.
"I left 15 voice mails."
"I didn't have time to check them," I replied, although that wasn't true. I had listened to each one at least four times, hoping he would take advantage of my vulnerability and leave one saying, "I'm a moron, I'm not with Kayla, I love you, please call me back and tell me what an idiot I am."
None of them said that, so I didn't return them.
"I've tried to apologize," he said. "I'm so sorry that I hurt you."
"You didn't hurt me," I snapped. "You pissed me off, but I wouldn't be foolish enough to let you hurt me. I would have to care about you for you to be able to hurt me," I said scathingly.
"You didn't care about me?" he asked, clearly unconvinced.
"Nope," I said, finally looking at him. "I thought I cared about the guy who promised me he would never hurt me, but you?" I shook my head. "I don't give a damn about you."
“I didn't want this to happen, Nikki," he said, shaking his head.
"I don't want to talk to you, Derek. Can't you just leave me alone?"
"I just wanted to make sure you were okay," he said. "Nobody heard from you over the break, I tried to come to your house, but your dad wouldn't even let me in the door. I haven't seen you for so long, I just..."
"Well, you've seen me, I'm fine, you can rest easy now."
"I wish you would just talk to me," he said quietly.
"And I wish you made better choices. You grant my wish and I'll see what I can do about granting yours," I said, walking in front of him and going into the girls' bathroom, knowing he couldn't follow me in there.
When lunch rolled around, I wasn't excited about going into the cafeteria. I saw Andy already had a seat, and he had his packed lunch. He stood up and waved for me to come over and sit with him, but I held up a finger, telling him to wait a minute, and I stepped into the lunch line.
