by Lindy Zart
She swallows. “I didn’t want you to do that.”
I blink. “What?”
“If you ignore them, they go away. You should have ignored them.”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. The first part of the school year, all I wanted was to be brave. Now I am, and I’m being told it’s better to not be. That it’s better to let bullies get away with their unkindness. I just stood up for her, and she’s upset about it.
“How long have you lived in Enid?” I ask her.
She shifts her feet, keeping her eyes from mine. “I was born here.”
“You’ve gone to the same school, with the same kids, the whole time, right?”
“Yes.”
“Has it ever stopped, or even gotten better?” My voice is sharp.
Anna swallows, but doesn’t answer.
I shake my head and step around her. “You don’t ignore bullies, Anna. That doesn’t do you any good. You get back at them.”
“How?” she demands in a wavering voice.
I meet her brown eyes that are dark and troubled. They lack the warmth that was earlier there. “You make them pay. You do to them what they did to you.”
Her expression falls, like she’s disappointed in me. It makes my jaw stiffen. “How does that make you any better than them?”
It takes me a moment to respond. “I guess it doesn’t.”
And I can’t even pretend that I care.
As if the afternoon needs to get any more exciting, I see the Trio from Hell lingering near Melanie’s sleek blue car. They don’t see me, and I step to the side to ensure it stays that way.
“Of course I said yes.” Melanie fluffs her shiny brown hair and looks at Casey. “It’s Jeff Oliver.”
Jocelyn turns her head and rolls her eyes where Melanie can’t see. Her voice is pleasant enough when she asks, “What movie are you seeing?”
“I don’t know, and I don’t care. I doubt we’ll watch much of the movie anyway.”
Casey laughs along with Melanie, but Jocelyn seethes beneath her smile.
“Maybe we should take a vote,” Jocelyn says, crossing her arms. “We voted down Casey dating the dweeb. I think it’s only fair that we do the same for you.”
Melanie’s face reddens. “We’ve never done it for any of the thousands of boyfriends you’ve—oh wait, you didn’t date most of them, did you?”
Jocelyn’s smile drips venom. “Maybe I’ll add Jeff to the list of boys I didn’t date.”
The color drains from Melanie’s face and her lips press tightly together, making it appear as if she has no mouth.
They’re so preoccupied with themselves that they don’t really know each other. I don’t think they even like one another. I pause near a tree. Casey is afraid to show her true self. Jocelyn is tenacious; nothing is ever enough. Melanie needs attention to feel important. They’re such a joke. And they don’t realize that I’m observing everything, taking notes. Forming ideas. Figuring out their ticks to better exploit them.
Thank you for being so self-centered and clueless, ladies, I inwardly mock as I quicken my pace.
I forget about Anna as I turn for home, left behind without a goodbye. I forget about her asking me to do something tonight. I forget about everything but how I can make Melanie’s date at the movies a complete disaster. Hunger burns through me, and it is righteous.
Eleven
Melanie
MY CHEST IS TIGHT. I’VE never felt like this before. I don’t understand what it means. What is happening to me? My skin is hot, yet clammy. I place a palm to my unbearably fast heartrate and wonder if I’m having a heart attack. Impossible. I’m too young, too everything that should guarantee things like this do not happen.
“Melanie? Are you okay?”
I blink at Jeff, dropping my hand. I smile around the unwanted sensation of my heart being torn from my chest. “Yeah. Of course I’m okay.” I laugh, but it sounds fake. “Why wouldn’t I be okay?”
His midnight blue eyes move across my features. “I asked if you wanted anything from the concession stand. You didn’t say anything.”
It’s our first date, and I’m messing it up. My hair has been perfectly straightened with an iron and sways becomingly when I move. My eyeshadow, eyeliner, and mascara have never looked quite this dazzling. My mouth is covered in cotton candy pink lip gloss that smells and tastes like it—exactly made up for kissing. My dress, an emerald green that is somewhere between casual and daring, complements my frame. Which…is also enviable.
Jeff’s personality is interesting enough, and when he focuses his deep blue eyes on me, it sends a charge through my body. His body is honed with defined muscles, and the thought of his hands on me, and his body over mine, makes my breath catch. I’m definitely attracted to him, and the way he always sneaks looks at me, and finds reasons to touch me, tells me he wants me too. Everything should be going smoothly. He likes me; I like him.
But there is a single, large, dark blemish on the evening.
Fire sparks across my flesh, and my gaze moves to Lexie Hennessy sitting three rows back. Why won’t she just go away? She’s been everywhere the past two weeks. Even here, at the movie theater, on a Friday night, I can’t forget about her. I don’t know her. I don’t know where she came from, and I don’t know why she hates me so much. She just appeared one day and decided to torment me. That is seriously screwed up. Who does that?
At least she’s alone, which tells everyone how many friends she has. Loser.
She looks up, meeting my eyes. Heat, dark and fearsome, floods my body and face. Lexie shifts her attention to Jeff, and I stiffen. With a calculating expression on her face, she gets to her feet and heads in our direction. Don’t even, I think. But she is. She is even-ing. With a small tub of popcorn in one hand, and a soda cup in the other, Lexie plops down in the seat beside me.
“Hey, Melanie. Hey, Jeff,” she says airily and tosses a handful of popcorn in her mouth. She chomps away at it, the sound unusually loud in my ear closest to her.
My jaw sets.
Jeff looks around me to get a view of Lexie. “Hey.” Confusion lowers his eyebrows as he brings his gaze back to me. He mouths, “Who is that?”
“Oh, Melanie didn’t tell you?” Lexie leans toward me, and I lean back. She smells like butter and popcorn. “I’m Lexie Hennessy. We’re best friends. Like this.” She holds up a hand and crosses two fingers.
“No—” I begin, horrified at the thought of Jeff thinking we’re associated in any manner. It would cripple my popularity, with little hope of a rebound. Lexie doesn’t dress right, and she has an unlikeable personality. I mean, obviously. I wouldn’t be caught dead hanging out with her.
Lexie shoves my shoulder. “Yes. We are. Don’t try to deny it. We totally hung out last week.” Cupping her mouth, in a loud whisper, she says to Jeff, “She just doesn’t want people to know we’re so close, since I’m way smarter than her.”
I choke on air.
Jeff laughs faintly. “What?”
I twist in my chair, bringing our faces close. Her skin is pasty, and her eyes look too big in her small-framed face. Big and shadowed, hiding things. I would never be her friend. I hope Jeff realizes that. “How did you know I was going to be here?”
Lexie grins. “What, you think I’m stalking you or something? I was just sitting over there by myself and saw my good friend Melanie Mathews, and thought I should come over and say hi. Any decent person would.”
“You said hi,” I say around gritted teeth. “Now go.”
“But the movie’s going to start.”
“Exactly.” I arch my eyebrows. “Leave.”
“I’m going to get popcorn. Do you want anything?” Jeff asks, sounding annoyed.
Without looking at him, I answer, “Yeah. Sure.”
“What do you want?”
“Whatever.”
Jeff mutters, “Typical.”
The chair creaks as it flips up, and the lights dim in preparation of ads and mo
vie previews.
Lexie smiles and sips her drink through the straw. I narrow my eyes, noticing the slight tremble of her hand, and how tightly she clutches the cup. I want to dump the cup of soda over her head and have it rain down popcorn on her tiny-brained skull.
“He’s cute.” She pauses. “I see him with Jocelyn a lot.”
Those were the wrong words to say. “He likes me, not her.”
“Sure.” Lexie winks, her smile tightening as her eyes meet mine. “Whatever you have to tell yourself.”
My tone is louder than I like when I state, “He’s here with me, not her.”
“This time.”
“You don’t know anything.” I sound weak, like even I don’t believe my words.
“I know I saw him and Jocelyn eyeing each other up this morning.”
I take a breath around the sharp jolt that hits my chest. Friend or not, I will mess Jocelyn up if she steals Jeff away from me. And Lexie—my eyes fixate on her. She acts tough, but something’s not right. Not that it matters, because if she keeps this up, it won’t be good for her. I am not being dethroned because of some weirdo who has nothing better to do than screw around with people’s lives.
“Mind your own business.”
Her smile widens to a grin. “It is my business if it concerns you. You’re my friend, remember?”
“I don’t even know you,” I retort.
Something crawls across her face. A black shadow. “We should change that, don’t you think? We can start here, now, on your date with Jeff. It’ll be fun.”
“If you ruin my date, I will ruin you,” I vow to Lexie through lips that don’t move.
Even with the faded lighting, I see the blaze of anger in her eyes. “Didn’t you already do that?”
Not understanding what she means, and not caring, I lean toward her until our noses bump. “I haven’t even started on you yet.”
The first preview begins, blocking our voices from the people in the movie theater.
Lexie thumps her forehead to mine, and I cry out in pain and shock. I rear back, wincing as the armrest sharply digs into my back. She puts a hand on the armrest behind me and rises over me, until all I see is black rage and scorn. I choke on air as I try to inhale. I can’t breathe. She’s insane, and I can’t breathe.
“No, Melanie,” Lexie purrs in an alarmingly pleasant voice. “I haven’t even started on you yet.”
She goes back to her seat after that, leaving me shaken. My chest does that painful squeezing thing again, and I stare at the screen, not really seeing anything. Jeff comes back with popcorn and drinks, but I can’t drink or eat anything. He grumbles about buying things just to be wasted, but I barely hear him. In fact, the whole movie is a blur. Jeff. Everything is, except for Lexie, sitting behind us. Her eyes sear me where they bore into my back. My date is ruined, and my nerves are scattered.
She in unhinged, and I am past being annoyed and angry.
I am afraid.
Twelve
Nick
I SHOW UP AT ALEXIS’ house Saturday morning at a little after nine, half-mad and full-on tense. I wanted to surprise her, but more than that, I just wanted to see her. Desperately. It took hours for me to talk myself into leaving the center, even though I already discussed my plan with Dr. Larson earlier in the week. I didn’t want to leave Live, but more than that, I didn’t want to go another day without seeing Alexis. So, here I am, freezing in the cold rain and wind, waiting to see if I have enough guts to ring the damn doorbell.
I don’t know that she’ll be here. And if she is, that doesn’t mean she’ll want to see me. But for me, I wake each morning longing to see Alexis, and I have to think, that I can’t be the only one unable to look away when our eyes meet.
Fidgeting, I lift my hand to ring the doorbell, and then I can’t move. I’m frozen. I step back and drop my hand. Swallow. I stare at the doorbell before forcing myself back to it. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath, and slowly release it. Before I can change my mind, I point a shaking finger at the button, and jab it.
I shake my head and water drops from my hair to my face. I tell myself I should stay away, and yet, I’m the one who pursues Alexis. Stupid. I’m stupid. I halfway turn to go, but my feet won’t move.
The sound of the lock flipping has me turning to the door. It opens. There she is—with her light brown hair choppy around her head, she is clad in a thin blue shirt and white lounge pants. Warmth rushes through me at the sight of her. Blue eyes swollen with sleep, Alexis blinks at me like I’m a mirage. A shivering, wet, cold mirage whose courage is quickly disappearing the longer she stares at me without saying anything.
This was a bad idea.
Deciding to end the torture I brought upon myself, I start to face the street. “I should go.”
“No! No.” A hand clutches my sleeve, and then she tugs me into the house. It’s cool in the kitchen, and smells like coffee. The door shuts, and Alexis goes back to examining me. “I just…I thought I was still dreaming.”
A smile tugs at my mouth. “You dream about me?”
“I…um…” Alexis opens her mouth, and then shrugs. “Yes. I do. So far, none where you die.” She watches me closely as she says this.
The water thickens on me, leeches through my skin. It takes form, entering my throat to choke me. Numb. I’m numb. I look at Alexis, and all the color fades from the room.
“I’m sorry.” Her eyes dim. “I don’t know why I said that.”
I take a breath, and it rasps in the uneasy quiet. “It’s—it’s okay.”
“It’s not okay.” Alexis moves closer, the proximity of her body warming the air between us. “It isn’t like you want to have dreams like that.” I hear the question in her tone. Do you? she asks. Do you want to have dreams like that?
I lurch to the side, banging my shoulder against the closed door. If it was open, I would already be through it. Back into the rain, being soaked by it instead of cold by her statement. I want to escape the doubt I feel pulsating off her. She wonders about me. She wonders if I am as harmless as she initially thought. I haven’t given her many details of my life, but shouldn’t she just know the kind of person I am, instinctively? No, I answer myself. No, she shouldn’t.
“No,” I choke. “Of course I don’t.”
Alexis looks like she wants to say something, but she instead presses her lips in a thin line, keeping the words inside. Her gaze trips over my straggly hair that is partially covering my eyes, moves over my black long-sleeved shirt clinging to me, and ends on my jeans heavy from rain. Pulled by some undetectable force, her eyes rise to mine, and there they stay. Light comes back to the room, fiery and brilliant. I can’t breathe when she looks at me like that.
“How did you get here?”
“I walked.”
Alexis’ eyebrows lower. “It’s raining.”
“No way,” I softly mock.
A water droplet slides down the side of my face, and Alexis wipes it away, her fingers lingering on my skin that is blazing where it was chilled a moment ago. My hands move before I can stop them, and I slowly pull her to me. Our eyes never leave each other’s. She’s warm, and soft, smelling of mint and something fruity, and for a moment, she is mine. I drop my forehead to hers, need pulsing through me. My fingers tighten on her hips. I close my eyes.
“Do you have plans today?” I ask hoarsely.
“Did you walk two miles, in the rain, to ask me if I have plans?” Alexis whispers, her hands moving to my biceps and stopping there. “Wouldn’t it have been more practical to call?”
“More practical, yes, but it would have had a substantially less dramatic effect than showing up on your doorstep, looking partially drowned.” I keep my eyes closed.
Laughing quietly, Alexis locks her fingers behind my neck and presses her body to mine, shivering at either the wet or cold, or maybe the shock that goes through me, and I have to believe, her as well. My whole body is sparks and nerves and electricity. It thrums in place of my veins
. I wonder, if we kiss, will it produce lightning.
She tilts her face to mine, her breath tickling my jaw as she talks. “You left the center. For me. That’s a big deal, Nick.”
I swallow around a tight throat, opening my eyes to find hers riveted to me. They zap me with heat, and my arms harden, wanting all of her touching me. Without barriers, without secrets. Without clothes. This is dangerous to think, and I can’t stop. My heart pounds an impossible beat, and hers is the match to it.
“My only plans are whatever you want them to be,” Alexis tells me, smiling.
“Is your dad here?”
She shakes her head, and her smile falls.
“Good.”
I kiss her.
Not softly, not sweetly, but with unbridled intensity. It doesn’t create lightning, but fire. It engulfs us. I’m burning, and I want her to feel the burn with me. She tastes good, like mint-covered redemption. I slant my mouth, deepening the kiss. It’s a hard kiss, demanding. It takes, but only because I want Alexis to give. Show me you feel what I feel. And she does. She gasps into my mouth, her fingers digging into my shoulders, her body taut. She moves against me, and firecrackers flare to life behind my eyelids.
My hands move from her hips to her back, wrapping completely around her, bringing her fully to me. With fingers that shake, I slide them up the sides of her torso, and a sound of pleasure leaves her when I palm her sides through her shirt. Alexis’ skin is hot, and soft, and touching her bare skin makes me feel drunk. It makes me tremble. It makes me unsteady—with my actions, with my thoughts.
It makes me want to reveal all my secrets. It tricks me into thinking she’d take them and still want me.
I’ve kissed plenty of girls, but none have made me feverish, not like this. I even had sex a couple times with my most serious girlfriend, before we broke up. But that’s all it was: sex. I don’t just want Alexis; I need her. The way she makes me feel, the thoughts I have of her, because of her. How I never feel completely whole until I see her. There is lust, and desire, and then, there is this. Something inexplicable, something that takes a sliver of your soul, promising to never give it back. I don’t want it back. It’s hers.
