Surrender

by Van Dyken, Rachel

  She mimicked my motion and frowned. “When you sang that song, not the first one, but the second, you sounded so sad, so wounded, so exhausted… I wanted to just yell at everyone and chase them away, and then I imagined them all getting pissed that Amelia’s mom lost her sh—cool in front of everyone.”

  I grinned. “Were you going to say shit?”

  She scrunched up her face in a grimace. “Maybe?”

  “Say it.”

  “I’m a—”

  “Say mom, and I’m going to just agree with you. Yes, you’re a mom, but you’re also a damn beautiful woman. You’re a human. You have feelings, and sometimes shit is the only way to express them, so, what’s it going to be?”

  She looked away and then back at me with a small smile. “Shit.”

  “Shit.” I echoed. “I think you just gave me a semi with that aggression.”

  She chucked a marshmallow at my face.

  I caught it. “Fast reflexes, but that too was just as sexy. Do you even know how to go back into mom-mode now that you’ve gone to the dark side?”

  “Dark side, huh?” She threw another marshmallow and then another until I was getting pelted by them. “I’ll show you dark; you spoiled rockstar.”

  “Ouch!” I yelped when one hit me in the cheek, and then I dove behind a chair. “You’re a monster! Stop wasting food!”

  She burst out laughing. “Then stop teasing!”

  My heart swelled at the sound of her laugh. “Never, little girl, never.”

  There was a ceasefire of marshmallows. Was I safe?

  I peeked around the chair only to see two gorgeous tan legs staring right back at me. “Shit.” I meant it this time. “On a scale of one to ten, how offended would you be if I asked you to just wrap those legs around my face?”

  “And strangle you?”

  “Sweet death, take me,” I growled and then reached for her.

  She jumped back.

  And I chased.

  I realized I would always chase her.

  “Think you’re fast enough to catch me?” she teased as she slowed down, clearly wanting me to do exactly that.

  I didn’t hesitate as I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her flush against my side and then down to the blankets we’d set up near the fire.

  I nuzzled her neck for a few seconds and just existed in that moment, loving that she didn’t tense or ask for an explanation for why I needed her.

  She was just there.

  She didn’t have to say any words.

  I just needed her to exist in that moment.

  I just needed her to breathe me in, while I rested in her.

  “Tell me…” She tried again. “…about the song.”

  I sobered and pulled away, craving a cigarette, a drink, anything to put in my hands or my mouth so I wouldn’t fixate on this sick feeling in my chest; it burned from the inside out only to repeat itself every single time the lyrics poured out. “You know experts say that music and smell hold the most memories?”

  “I can see that.”

  “Well,” I continued, “that song holds all the bad ones, all the shitty ones actually. I can’t sing it without all those things flashing through my head, and it tends to mess me up a lot, but it’s so popular that it’s always the go-to for people when we’re around.”

  “That has to suck,” she whispered.

  “You should probably make it better…” I smiled, but I wasn’t feeling it. I was all done with the fake smiles, and I found I couldn’t do it with her, not now, maybe not ever.

  “Do you have it on your phone?”

  “Have what?”

  “The song,” she asked. “Do you have the track on your phone?”

  “Yeah…” I frowned. “Where are you going with this?” And why the hell were my palms suddenly sweaty as if I was about to ask my crush to skate during junior high skate night?

  She held out her hand.

  I hesitated, then unlocked my iPhone and handed it to her. Hell, I rarely even let my best friends touch my phone; it was intimate in a way she couldn’t possibly understand. Like standing on stage naked or bending over for the good doc.

  She opened up my music app. “Easiest way to replace the bad, Drew? You fill it with the good.”

  Was it my imagination, or were her hands shaking?

  “And how the hell am I going to accomplish that?” I muttered under my breath, irritated with my own crap attitude.

  She didn’t hesitate, just pressed play. The first few notes had my body straining to run as far away as possible. Every muscle flexed, my jaw clicked shut as if I was afraid if I opened it, an ear-piercing scream would erupt and scare the entire town of Seaside.

  She set the phone down, then trailed a delicate hand up and down my arm.

  I focused on her pretty fingertips, and how they were painted a pale pink, I hadn’t noticed before.

  Her hands looked safe.

  They felt even better.

  I squeezed my eyes shut briefly, and then my body was straining in an entirely different way as she moved toward me and straddled my legs.

  Her movements weren’t fluid; they were frigid as if she was questioning what she was doing even as she was doing it.

  “Damn,” I hissed, reaching for her, greedy to touch her smooth skin. “I’m rarely surprised.”

  “Is that what you are now?” She smiled shyly.

  I gripped her ass. “Among other things…”

  I held my breath, and she leaned down. Her hair smelled like coconut as it grazed my face. And then her mouth was on mine. It was a soft kiss, something that made me forget about the shitty song and encouraged me to hold on to her just a little bit longer.

  I was officially lost.

  Not to the bad memories.

  Not to the music.

  But to Bronte.

  I fell in that moment, stumbled into this dark hole of need. I dug my fingers into her ass, holding her close, and I drank my fill of her mouth. I let out a groan when her tongue invaded my mouth, lying to myself, that this week, these fleeting moments, these kisses, would be enough to satisfy the hunger in my dark, broken soul.

  But even my demons didn’t believe it as my heart whispered its need to finally be free.

  CHAPTER 8

  Bronte

  I was surprised how good he tasted, how clean, how rich and heady it felt to have our mouths fused together.

  His hands were almost painful in the way they held my body prisoner as if he was afraid any minute I was going to run away.

  Drew let out a groan, and I flicked his lower lip with my tongue. Before I had time to panic, he had me flipped onto my back and was deepening the kiss with a hunger I’d never experienced before in my life.

  Ever.

  It was almost hard to breathe. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him down until his body was lying flat across mine. He kept a hand pressed against the ground to keep from crushing me, but it did nothing to hide his arousal or the fact that I could feel him rock-hard between my legs.

  His eyes were hooded as he abruptly pulled back.

  I gulped. “What’s wrong?”

  He just shook his head, a lazy smile spreading across his perfect face. “The song’s over. I ended the kiss before you did, so I wouldn’t have to be the guy who begs for more when he didn’t even deserve what he got in the first place.”

  My mouth was still buzzing with Drew Amhurst aftershocks, and all I kept thinking was, if my mouth feels this way, imagine what the rest of me would feel like if I let him get close. “You shouldn’t say sweet things.”

  “I mean them, though,” he said simply. “If I think something, if it’s true…” His eyes flashed with pain — at least, that was what it seemed like before he smiled. “Lies only hurt the person telling them, because, in the end, the truth always wins out, right?” He swallowed. “I’m a firm believer that words have power, and when you use those words for evil… well, you aren’t just hurting those you’re tossing t
hose words at. You’re poisoning yourself in the process.”

  I didn’t know what to say to that; I opened my mouth and then shut it.

  “What?” His grin was adorable and sexy, all wrapped up in one. Of course, it was.

  I shook my head. “I just—” I was suddenly nervous. “That was really wise what you just said.”

  “I want to take that as a compliment, except does that mean up until this moment, you thought I was a dumb-ass?” He leaned in until his mouth was about an inch from mine, until I yearned with such force to touch him again that my body started to shake. “Hmmm?”

  “Huh?” I rasped. “What?”

  “Just tell me I’m smart, and all is forgiven.”

  “You’re brilliant,” I whispered, “and a dumbass, all wrapped up in one—”

  He started tickling my sides, making my knees jerk under him.

  He moved just in time, then glared. “First, I’m a dumb ass. Now, you’re trying to kill the only thing I have going for me?”

  Heat licked at my neck and face. “Really? That’s all you have going for you?”

  His grin was menacing. “Say it.”

  “Say what?”

  “What’s the only thing I have going for me?”

  “No!”

  “Do it…” he taunted, his eyes glittering in the dim firelight. “Do it, do it. Say a dirty word.”

  “I take back the wise comment!” I protested as he pinned my hands above my head and then lowered his rock-hard body over mine. His arrogant grin really wasn’t helping the situation. “Drew!” I bucked under him.

  “Ah, so you can touch it, but you can’t say it?”

  I squeezed my eyes shut.

  “Say it, do it. Do it now.”

  “Are you five?” I squirmed beneath him.

  “Bronteeeeee.” He moaned my name and then literally collapsed his full godlike weight on top of me, only to come back up and wink. “Come on; you gotta give me something. Plus, this is one of those moments!”

  “What are you talking about?” I screeched.

  “A moment where you get your groove back!” He laughed. “And this is me helping.” He very slowly grabbed my right hand while keeping my left pinned, brought it to his chest, and then dropped it lower until I was clutching the front of his shirt for dear life.

  I gulped and, on my own, moved my hand lower to the front of his jeans.

  He exhaled a curse as more than curiosity pounded through me. It was something headier, tempting; my entire body buzzed with awareness as I finally ran a single finger down his length through his jeans.

  Drew let out a low growl and then grabbed my wrist. “I said, say not touch.”

  I tried pulling away, but he kept my hand between us. His eyes locked onto mine. “You know, originally, I was going to spout some shit to embarrass you, say I was talking about my heart when I was really leading with my cock the entire time, and you just had to touch and make me forget all about teasing, make me remember that the only thing I want to taste right now is you. And sadly, the only person I can’t have right now is you.”

  I choked on my next breath. “It’s not a good idea.”

  “It’s the best idea I’ve ever had, and one day I had an idea to help two turtles cross the road.” He laughed. “They lived, by the way.”

  “Yeah, that’s what I was wondering while my hand was inches from your dick, whether the turtles lived.”

  His eyes widened, and then he threw his head back and laughed so hard that he moved away from me and let go of both of my hands.

  I sat up on my elbows and couldn’t help but smile. “I like your laugh.”

  “And my dick,” he said, still laughing.

  “And turtles,” I added with a giggle.

  “Those little bastards were so slow, I aged ten years watching them try to migrate one foot, so really it was a selfish saving.”

  “Still counts,” I teased.

  “Hell yes, it counts.” He grabbed my hand again. “I like this side of you better than the protective little shell you like to keep stapled around your body.”

  “Wow, sounds sexy.” I looked away.

  “It is — you are,” he corrected. “I just like it when you’re freer.”

  “Not all of us get that opportunity.” Did I have to sound so broken? So bitter? I hated myself in that moment. I hated that I’d let myself become that way, a shell of my former person.

  A shell of the girl who used to skip school just so she could go surfing.

  A girl who loved football games because she was able to scream as loud as she wanted.

  A girl who played pranks on people and got detention for forking the principal’s lawn and filming it and then showing it during a pep rally.

  “All of us get the opportunity. Not all of us take it,” Drew said. “You are always given the option, Bronte, to be yourself. Always.”

  For some reason, his confession made me want to cry.

  He was right.

  I’d had opportunities over the years to live.

  And I’d chosen to hide.

  The divorce was my first excuse.

  The kids my second.

  “No, they were my responsibility, and I wanted to make sure that I took that seriously, that they wanted for nothing, that they were confident, that they had love and acceptance no matter what.”

  “That’s all good, Bronte. You’re a good mom.” Apparently, I’d spoken all my thoughts out loud again. “But what happens when all that energy is tapped out? What happens when those kids have their own kids, their own lives? That leaves you with what exactly? I love that you’re a selfless person, but right now, I really, really think you should do something selfish.”

  I pressed my lips together. “Something selfish, huh?”

  “Yeah, something that even I would judge you for, like, ‘Whoa, slow your roll, Bronte. Don’t be such a selfish bitch…’”

  I laughed. “I’m thinking. Plus, it’s not like we have a lot of options, camping out in my front yard.”

  His eyes flashed. “So, we go inside. We walk down the road. Show me selfish, and I’ll show you life. Show me a weakness, and I’ll worship you until it’s your strength. The point, Bronte, is you do something.”

  “Who are you?” I whispered reverently.

  “A fuck up.” He shrugged. “Which is why I know all the things.” He winked. “Who’s the dumbass now…”

  Easy laughter bubbled up. “Clearly, not you.”

  “Exactly.” He stood and held out his hand. “What will it be?”

  I opened my mouth just as the sound of Amelia and her friends running through the house interrupted our little interlude.

  My face fell.

  Time to be a mom again.

  Make sure they have snacks.

  Aren’t staying up too late and…

  “Go take a bath.” Drew put his hands on my shoulders and turned me toward the glass door. “I’ll make sure they have food, know the rules, and don’t burn the house down.”

  “Oh, I really shouldn’t—”

  “Are you sure? Because if you don’t, I’m going to march into that living room and announce to Amelia in front of all her friends that I’ve seen her mom naked, and she touched my dick.”

  “You wouldn’t!” I gasped.

  He grinned. “Try me.”

  “Bastard,” I grumbled under my breath. “That’s low.”

  “Bath.” He stepped out of my way and slapped me on the butt as I passed him. “Go.”

  “Ow!” I shrieked and then stomped away from him.

  Amelia was on the couch with her friends — no Ryans, thank God, since I highly doubted that guy was working with a lot upstairs.

  “Hey, Mom!” Amelia bounced on her feet. “We’re just going to watch a movie before bed. That okay?”

  “What movie?” Drew asked, leaning against the doorframe.

  It was hard not to notice the way Amelia’s friends seemed to just swoon right onto the couch as th
ey giggled as if he’d asked a funny question.

  High school.

  “Ohhhh… I don’t know.” Amelia grabbed the remote. “Something new, you know? Not made back when Nicolas Cage was still a big deal. So pretty much nothing old… like you.” She shot Drew a teasing grin.

  “Me?” He pointed at himself. “Old? I’ll have you know I can still run seven miles a day, and I’m only thirty-six, but nice try, small fry. Also, I’m younger than Chris Pratt, so just digest that for a minute.”

  “Ahh, he’s so hot,” one of her friends said.

  “And I’m not?” Drew looked genuinely offended, which earned giggles from the girls again.

  “Amelia,” I interrupted, “I’m just going to go get ready for bed real quick, all right? Don’t stay up too late.”

  “Yeah, don’t stay up too late,” Drew repeated with a smirk.

  The girls giggled again, and Amelia gave Drew a salute. Amelia looked so happy, so healthy. I hoped to God she stayed that way. Her results would be back tomorrow, and while the doctor had been optimistic, the chance still remained.

  It had aged both of us, leaving me wondering stupidly where I fit when she finally went off to school, lived her life like she deserved, lived her life without me constantly by her side.

  I turned around, deflated as I walked across the house and into the master bedroom and turned on the jetted tub.

  While it filled, I stripped out of my clothes and put on my black silk bathrobe then pulled my hair into a messy knot.

  I caught my reflection in the massive mirror. My cheeks were flushed, my lips swollen.

  I licked them, wishing I could still taste him there.

  What is happening to me?

  I pressed a hand against my stomach and then leaned against the counter, staring down at my different overnight products.

  All of them promised to make me age backward.

  And I wondered in that moment, how I’d gotten there.

  Almost forty, divorced.

  And I hadn’t had sex in fourteen years.

  Almost forty with my whole life, it seemed, ahead of me — and I was afraid to say dick? I mean, really? It wasn’t that, though. It was that I felt torn between two worlds— the mom world… and who I really was.

  “You don’t need that shit.” Drew’s voice suddenly interrupted, causing me to knock over two of the expensive serums that promised youthful skin overnight.