by Hantz, Sara
“What about getting pregnant. Weren’t you worried about that?” Lori’s has this huge anxious look on her face.
“He used a condom. Just because we were only sixteen doesn’t mean we’re stupid.”
“Yes, I know. Sorry.” She looks away for a moment, then suddenly turns back. “You can’t stay in the club now, you know.”
This is going to seem totally weird, but hearing Lori say that makes me feel really sad. I know I’ve mocked the Club and the Handbook but without it Lori and I wouldn’t have become such good friends. And creepy Jamie isn’t really so bad. He has his heart in the right place, even if he is a bit blinkered when it comes to the real world.
“I know. I sort of wish I didn’t. Maybe I can be an Associate Member. You know, like they have in some organizations for people who don’t quite make the qualification criteria.”
“You can run it past Jamie and see what he says.” Lori shrugs. “I’m not sure how he’ll react, though.”
Yeah, I suppose it is a bit of wishful thinking on my part.
“Everyone’s going to hate me now.” I say, my voice becoming more serious. “For lying. Aren’t they?”
“It depends on what they know. If we don’t tell anyone.” I stare at Lori, my mouth open so wide a bus could get through with room to spare.
“You mean you won’t say anything?”
“Suzy, I really like you. You’re my friend. And I don’t want this to come between us.”
“But I ruined the night. You said so.”
“Well, that’s a slight exaggeration. I was really upset with you, at the time. But being with George sort of helped.” She blushes furiously.
“Oh yes. You and George. See, I told you inviting him to the party was the way to go. What happened? Did you, you know? Sorry. Of course you wouldn’t.”
“No, we didn’t do anything. But we did talk a lot. About us and the club and stuff. He’s asked me to go out with him.”
“Did you say yes? Tell me you did. He’s such a cool guy. I really like him.”
“Yes. I said yes.” She smiles. For the first time since we met today she seems relaxed.
“I’m so pleased. And I’m soooo sorry for everything.”
“I understand. I just wished you’d trusted me enough to tell me.”
I’m almost tempted to tell her the rest—about the arrest and stuff. But maybe not. One step at a time.
“I didn’t want to tell anyone. I thought it would be better that way. And we’re still friends?”
“You bet,” she says resting her hand on my arm. “Since you’ve been at school things have much more fun.”
“But I’ve been behaving myself. I thought I was the being the most serious best behaved person out.”
“Really? And the time you told Miss Davis the Principal was looking for her so Jana could finish her homework and hand it in?”
“That’s nothing. You should have seen what I used to do. Actually no you shouldn’t. But the thing is Lori; it’s not just my behavior I changed. It’s my clothes, the music I listen to, in fact it’s everything. Are you sure you want to hang out with a Goth loving, grunge dresser? You saw evidence of the real me in my closet, remember?”
“I think I can hack it.” She laughs. “As long as you don’t try and change my closet.”
“As if I dare try. I didn’t realize how fierce you could be until earlier. Seriously scary.” We both start to giggle.
“What about school? You’re not going to drop the AP classes are you? You need them for your college applications. You are still going to college aren’t you?”
“I don’t know,” I say, and Lori’s face drops. “I think so. I might take a year out first, though. I promise I won’t go back to my old ways. Well, not all of them anyway, and—” I stop as an awful thought crosses my mind. I raise my hand to my mouth.
“What’s wrong?” Lori asks.
“I’ve just had a thought. What about Guy? If he’s told everyone about last night then it will be a total nightmare at school next week.”
“He won’t say anything if it’s going to make him look stupid. Trust me.”
“Are you sure? Why would it make him stupid?”
“Boys like Guy have an image to live up to.” This sounds so much like Maddie it’s not funny. “He won’t want people to think you gave him up for Ryan.”
“But I didn’t.”
“We know that, but Guy doesn’t. And now it’s over, I’ll admit to being pleased.” What?
“Pleased? How come?”
“Look, I like Guy. But he can be totally controlling. I think that’s one of the reasons Carla dumped him.” Now she tells me.
“Why didn’t you say anything before?”
“Because you seemed so into him. And he might have been different with you.”
“I don’t think he was, when I think back to some of the things he said to me. Though at the time I didn’t notice.” Well, that sure eases the guilt some.
“So, come on. Introduce me to Ryan. Your friend,” Lori says, and I give her a pretend slap.
“I’d love to, except he’s not allowed to mix with customers when he’s working. You can wave to him if you like.”
“Okay I will. But you’ll have to introduce him to me sooner or later. I have a feeling there’s more to you and him than you’re admitting.”
If I didn’t know better I’d say Lori is Maddie incarnate. The similarities are ridiculous.
“Look, after what I did to him I’m lucky he’s talking to me at all.”
“What do you mean?”
“I made a choice. Be a virgin, or admit to having a relationship. And by taking the virgin route I hurt Ryan badly. What sort of person does that make me?”
“You did what you thought best. Don’t beat yourself up about it. You’ve sorted it now and that what counts.”
“I know. And it’s not even that I regret what happened between us. If I went back in time I’d do it all again. I’ll never forget it.”
“And you say you only think of him as a friend? Um—I don’t think so. Oh, there he is.” She points toward the bathroom and gives a huge wave.
She’s so cool.
Chapter Twenty-Four
“No dinner for me, thanks.” I say to Mom when I get home. “I’m going to the movies.”
“You could have given me more notice, I’ve already taken the steaks from the freezer.” She huffs and puffs, and moves things around noisily—a sure indication she’s not happy.
“Sorry. I didn’t know until a little while ago. I told you as soon as I could. I’ll have it tomorrow.”
“It doesn’t matter,” she says stiffly. “Your dad can have two. They’re not that big. What are you going to see?”
“Not sure yet. I’ll see what Ryan fancies.”
“Ryan? You’re going with Ryan?” She spins around from the sink, knife in one hand carrot in the other. Carrots, yuck. My most unfavorite vegetable. Yet another reason not to stay in.
“Yeah. Why?”
“Last night you went out with Guy. Tonight you’re going out with Ryan. And you don’t see anything wrong? How many times do I have to tell you about playing boys off against one another?” I take a step backward as in her excitement she’s waving the knife and getting perilously close.
“I’m not playing them off. For a start Ryan and I are just friends.” Even if something inside my head is trying to make me want more than that. “And also I finished with Guy last night.” I prepare myself for the barrage. Finishing with Mr. Perfect (her view, not mine) won’t go down well.
“You gave Guy his marching orders?” she says incredulously. “Why?”
“Mom, I’m sorry. I know how much you liked him. How he was everything you and Dad want in a boy friend for me. But I couldn’t do it. I tried, honest I did. And—”
“Wait,” she says cutting across me. “What do you mean he’s everything we want for you? Are you saying you only went out with him because you thought we
approved?”
“No. It wasn’t that. I did like Guy. Do like him. But we’re so different. And he doesn’t even know the real me—” I pause mid-flow to process what she just said. “Hey. Isn’t Guy everything you want for me? He’s rich, good looking, has good prospects. As close to one of Rosie’s boyfriends you’re going to get, and you loved all of them. So you must think Guy’s perfect.”
Mom places the carrot and knife down on the counter. She then pulls one of the wooden kitchen chairs out from under the table and sits down, signaling for me to do so as well.
“Sweetheart. I like Guy. He’s a nice boy. But if you ask me who’s more suitable for you, Ryan or Guy, I’d say Ryan every time.” I shake my head. This is so surreal. “Our feelings for Rosie’s and your boyfriends are not based on their prospects. Yes, we did like Rosie’s Steve. They were a perfect match. But remember that awful Harry?” I nod my head. “For all his money and potential, your Dad and I were more than pleased when she finished with him.” And I thought it was just me who thought him such a slime-ball.
“Oh.”
“Think about it. How shallow would it make us if we base our feelings about people on their material possessions?” She’s so right. That thought didn’t even cross my mind. Sometimes I’m such a freakin’ idiot.
“I’m sorry Mom.” All I seem to be doing at the moment is say sorry to everyone. Mind you, after all the things I’ve done I guess there will be a few more ‘sorrys’ before I’m done. “I don’t think you and dad are shallow. You’re not. I just got carried away with trying to do the right thing. Except I’ve had enough. I can’t carry on. The real Suzy wants to come back.”
“Yes, well it’s not a moment too soon for me. And your father. Watching you these past few months hasn’t been easy, let me tell you.” She shakes her head.
I can’t believe I’ve been causing them all this hassle, without even realizing it.
“Why didn’t you say something?”
“You wouldn’t have listened. You had to work it out for yourself.”
“All I wanted to do was make up for Rosie. To be a daughter you’d be proud of.”
“Suzy. We love you for being you. We don’t want an unhappy Suzy trying to be Rosie. We want Suzy, who has us worrying all night when she comes in late. Well, maybe not that.” She gives a small laugh. “But the Suzy whose ridiculous pranks at school make us laugh even though we have to tell her off. Suzy who smiles and is happy.”
“Apart from when she totally loses the plot and gets arrested.”
“You couldn’t help that. We all reacted differently to Rosie’s death and this was your way. I’m not saying we weren’t disturbed by it. Of course we were. But we understood.”
“Yes but Mom, when we came home from the police station I heard you say to Dad that you wished I could be more like Rosie.”
“And that’s why you’ve done all this?” An expression of horror crosses her face. “Oh, no. Suzy I’m sorry. So, so sorry. I didn’t mean it. I was confused. Didn’t know what to do to help you. If I’d known you heard me—. Oh God. This is awful.” Her voice cracks.
“Hey, Mom. It’s okay.” I can’t bear to see her upset. She’s the rock in this family. I quickly get up from my chair and rush around the table to where she’s sitting. I put my arms around her and give the hugest hug ever. “It’s okay. Things will be good from now on. We’re a family. And that’s what counts.”
She pulls away and looks at me. Not in a normal way. It’s almost like she admires me.
“You’re right. And so grown up.”
***
“Hi, Dad. Bye, Dad,” I say, squeezing past him through the front door. I stop momentarily to kiss him on the cheek, then take off again.
“Bye, Suzy love,” I hear him say. I pause, turn and blow him a kiss. He grins, looking a tad bemused.
“Bye Dad, love you.” I turn back and don’t stop running until I reach the bottom of the drive and Ryan’s car.
“Hi,” I say breathlessly as I open the door and get in. I really need to think about exercising. Well, thinking about it is a step in the right direction, isn’t it?
“Come on, spill.” Ryan says.
“Spill what?” I say feigning innocence.
“Look at you. Relaxed and smiling. This isn’t the Suzy of the last few days. Or weeks for that matter. Come on, tell your Uncle Ryan. What’s happened?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” I say teasing.
“Suzy,” he says in mock reproach.
“Okay, okay. Things are so cool you won’t believe it. Mom and I had this totally amazing chat about everything—me wanting to be like Rosie. And Guy. And school. We even talked about you. She really likes you. As in really likes you. Not that I said we were going out or anything, obviously as I don’t do lies any more. She understands what I’ve been trying to do and said that no way does she want me to spend my life trying to be like Rosie—”
“Told you,” Ryan says, a tad on the smug side.
“How did I know you were going to say that?” I punch him playfully on the arm and the weirdest of sensations shoots through me.
Am I stupid or what, trying to deny my true feelings for him? The feelings that Lori and Maddie so keenly pointed out. And while we’re on the subject of Maddie, I can’t believe she’ll be here in person in a couple of weeks. It will be so awesome to see her. I can introduce her to Lori and re-introduce her to Ryan. We’ll have such a cool time.
“Ouch. That’s no way to treat someone who made you see sense and sorted you out.” Ryan says cutting into my thoughts. He looks deep into my eyes and my insides go totally squiggy.
“You’re so right, I will treat you much better from now on. Promise.” I grin. “And while we’re in being-nice mode. I just want to say thank you. For everything. For understanding. For being here. For putting up with what I did. And I’m so sorry for—” Ryan raises his finger and places it gently over my lips.
