by Hal Emerson
“Or somehow she Returns and yet stays,” Raven said. “That’s why I said no one knows – it’s a prophecy, it’s three-parts nonsense to one part logic.”
“So how do we stop it?”
“I kill her,” Raven said, simply. Leah stopped her pacing and looked up, locking eyes with him. She looked surprised, then approving, and, finally, sad. The rest of them were staring at him with redoubled intensity. “It has to be me, that’s part of the prophecy. I can’t understand it all, but that is one thing that Geofred knew for sure. It has to be me … and if I do it, I’m fairly certain I might die too.”
Raven watched as this pronouncement sunk in. Davydd’s eyes went wide and he looked off to his right, thinking about something far distant; Tomaz watched Raven carefully, a look of grave concern pulling his brows in and down; Autmaran was chewing the inside of his cheek, considering him; Tym kept looking between them all, as if unsure whether he was still supposed to be there; Leah had resumed her pacing.
“And if you don’t?” Tomaz asked. “What did Geofred see happening then?”
“We all die,” he said simply. “Everyone. Everyone dies.”
Chapter Ten: Good Use of a Tent
They left that alleyway after the sun had fully set and they could barely even see each other, talking over and over what Leah, Davydd, and Raven had pulled from the collective minds of the most recently deceased Children of the Empress. There were numerous questions, from repeated ‘was he sure?’s to ‘how?’s and ‘why?’s, most of which Raven couldn’t answer. They questioned whether they could just let the Empress leave, but Raven knew the answer from Geofred’s mind was ‘no.’ Raven’s older brother had gone through every permutation of this equation, and he had found no way forward to thwart the Empress other than for Raven, her Seventh Child, to kill her, risking death himself.
And still Leah hadn’t been convinced.
“Words are tricky,” she kept mumbling, over and over as she paced. “Every word in the right context can have a myriad of meanings. Every word …”
She’d continued to mutter such things, even when she’d left for the tent she and Tomaz shared out beyond the Wall in what used to be the Outer City of Banelyn. Her eyes kept flashing back and forth from green to blue, and Raven knew she was trying to touch the Eagle Talisman again.
No – not the Talisman. Since it went from me to her, it’s now the Aspect of Sight.
In either case, it would still let her see the future, though Raven wasn’t sure how much of his she could find since his Talisman often negated the others.
Geofred was able to see me, but likely only because he’d been practicing using the Talisman for four hundred years.
They had agreed to break up for the night and reconvene on the road tomorrow. Davydd and Lorna were headed to check in with their troops, and Tomaz had gone to offer his services on guard patrol. Tym and Autmaran were getting food.
Raven left them, preferring to keep his own council for the rest of the night. He still felt somehow cut off from them, though he couldn’t specify why. But it was better, at least. It was better now.
As he made his way back toward the center of the city, he realized abruptly he’d given up his bed before finding another. He sighed inwardly.
That teaches me to let altruism go unchecked.
Not knowing what else to do, he headed toward the command tent, knowing at least that there was a cot there, and that it would be unoccupied until the morning.
But he never got that far. As he was walking, he became aware of someone shadowing him. He couldn’t see them – whoever they were, they knew how to keep out of direct sight, and he couldn’t simply turn around to look without giving up that he’d been alerted to their presence. Thoughts of the Seekers came back to him, and the fact there could be quite a number of them running through the streets at present. The road he was on was currently deserted; the perfect place to attempt to assassinate the leader of the Kindred Army.
He reached out through the Raven Talisman, and felt the world snap into focus around him. Details started coming to him in a rush, the exact shade of purple the sky had turned, the smell of baking bread still thick in the air, and even more so, the sense of a bright golden knot of light walking just behind him.
Green and silver; honey and lavender; sound of steel cutting silk–
“Leah,” he breathed, just as she walked up beside him.
“Yep,” she said, “still creepy when you do that.”
He eyed her sideways.
“Says the woman stalking me?”
She arched an eyebrow at him.
“I was on my way to find you. We’ve decided not to meet tomorrow morning.”
“That’s – no, we have to meet. We have a lot to plan, and –”
“It’s done, princeling,” she said, with an amused smirk. “We’re moving as fast as we can, and the Scouts won’t have anything new to report until tomorrow night. An extra hour of sleep will do us all better than talk.”
“But we aren’t done formulating plans –”
“For now, the plan is go north until we find someone to fight,” she said.
“You really are Davydd’s sister,” he said, dryly.
“Yeah. Thanks for playing.”
“I don’t play.”
“You should.”
“I don’t think that would be beneficial,” Raven said.
“Sometimes it’s good to have fun, princeling.”
“You … you are acting strangely.”
“Am I?”
“Yes. You are being strange. And, frankly, it’s worrying.”
“Hmm … well, I think you could use a good, frank ‘worrying.’”
He opened his mouth to respond, and then realized what she was really saying, and closed it with a snap. The last few hours of inner torment evaporated as a terribly embarrassing flush spread across his cheeks.
“I don’t know what –”
“You know exactly what I mean,” she said, amused.
“We can’t do that now,” he insisted, turning away from her. They were in the middle of the camp, with soldiers passing them, saluting and mumbling ‘my prince’ as they went. He lowered his voice until he was barely even whispering. “That’s – no, that’s completely out of the question. We can’t do that.”
“All right, if we can’t, then I’ll find you someone else.”
His head, carefully cocked to the side to display indifference, snapped around immediately. Eyebrows raised and lips pursed, she looked the perfect embodiment of female indignation.
“I – you – what?”
“Well, I’m obviously not attractive enough to warrant attention in that way, so let’s find someone more your speed.”
“No – no that’s not what I meant.”
“What did you mean?”
“I meant I don’t want everyone to think we’re just – not that there’s something wrong with people knowing – I’m not saying I’m worried people will know – and, it’s not that I want people to know either, I mean, it’s not like the thought never crossed my mind, it’s just –”
“So you have thought about it?” she asked, taking a step closer.
“I – well – I –“
“It’s a simple question.”
“Well, I –”
“Just answer.”
“Wait, that’s not –”
“Stop stalling.”
“Fine! Of course I’ve thought about it!”
“Whoa,” she said, looking around, lowering her voice in mocking imitation of him. “No need to shout it so everyone can hear, I thought this was just between the two of us?”
Suddenly Raven realized she was much too close, so close now, in fact, he couldn’t even look at her properly without his eyes going crossways.
“All right,” he said, stepping away. “I know what you’re trying to do.”
“Do you now? Go ahead: elucidate.”
“You’re trying to get me to forget w
hat happened. You’re trying to make me forget about what we’re about to do. But I can’t. I can’t just let it go, I need to be on constant guard, we all do.”
She threw up her hands in exasperation and walked away. Before Raven even knew what he was doing, he was following her, speaking quickly as they headed back toward the main road.
“All right, Leah, stop – no, I mean it, stop!”
He grabbed her by the shoulder and tried to stop her, but she spun around and threw him off.
“What?” she asked. “I was leaving you alone like you wanted!”
“That’s not it – look, now just is not the time,” he said, though the sentence came out much more sullen and sulky than he would have wished. “I can’t. I can’t just pretend none of it happened, I can’t just – I can’t.”
“You should,” she said, all teasing gone out of her now.
“Why?”
“Because in the end life goes back to being normal.”
“No. It won’t. This is the end we’re moving toward … there is no after.”
“There’s always an after.”
She stepped up and raised a hand to his face. He tensed, just a flash of movement, but he realized there was no need. They had stopped in the deep shadows cast between buildings, and there was no one nearby or even walking down the row of houses behind them. Her hand cupped his cheek, and she watched him silently, her face a quiet, stony mask, all except for her eyes. Those beautiful, green eyes that cut through him and made him want to reach out and –
No. No, I won’t.
“I’m here,” she said simply. “Be here with me. You’re right, we can’t forget what’s going on – I know we can’t. But we also can’t control what is going to happen tomorrow, or when we reach Lucien. All we can control is what we do before that happens.”
Her lips were inches away from his now, and he could feel her breath mingling with his.
“You’re the one thing I want before I die,” she finished.
She pulled him the rest of the way, and kissed him. His head swam and blood rushed to parts of him that were suddenly very eager to meet her embrace. But he broke away before his mind submerged completely.
“I can’t,” he said, surprising even himself. The words had come out in a strange half-croak that sounded like a frog’s mating call. He cleared his throat violently, his cheeks once more growing hot. “I need … I need time. This is too fast.”
She let go of him slowly, and backed away. She pursed her lips, took a deep breath, nodded once, and walked away. Before he knew it, he was after her once more – he couldn’t leave it like that. He just couldn’t.
“Leah, stop. That’s not fair.”
“What isn’t? You said you needed time. I mean, we’ve known each other for a year, fought side by side in countless battles, even saved each other’s lives. But I guess you need more time. But fine, it’s your call – who am I to judge?”
They passed through the gate to the Inner City; guards saluted them as they went, and he stopped talking until they were through. He didn’t know where they were going, but he’d be damned if he stopped before he told her what was on his mind. As soon as they were relatively alone again, he spoke once more:
“Leah, there are proper ways to do this. We can’t just –”
“Can’t just be with each other?”
“No, that’s not what I was saying.”
“You don’t seem to be saying much of anything.”
“That’s not fair, I’m trying.”
“What’s not fair?”
“You – twisting my – and then – and now we’re – wait, where are we?”
Leah threw back the flap to the command tent, and went inside without looking back at him. He followed her inside, where she was lighting a lamp. When the wick took and the oil began to burn, she turned to watch him, leaning casually against the central tent poll sunk into a soft patch of dirt where a paving stone had been unearthed, crossing her arms beneath her chest.
“I’m here to study the maps,” she said, “what are you here to do?”
“I – well, I was planning to sleep here,” he finally got out.
“Sure,” she said, flicking her chin toward the cot in the back, placed there in case any of them needed to rest while studying maps late into the night. “Go for it.”
“No,” he said abruptly, suddenly feeling stronger, “not yet.”
“Why not?” she asked wearily.
“I don’t know when it started,” he said, ignoring her and saying what he’d been trying to get out all along, “but you’re it for me. I’ve never met anyone like you, and I don’t think I ever will. I’ve looked through the memories of a thousand men, and none of the women they knew ever held a candle to you.”
Something flashed in her eyes and her demeanor changed; her poise melted for the briefest of instants, and he saw something else there behind it, something he didn’t understand.
“But I … I don’t know how to do this,” he said. “I don’t know how to be with someone. I don’t even know if I’m able to be with someone. I need to devote everything I have to the Kindred – I need to see them through this, see them to the end. They’re counting on me in a way no one has ever counted on me before. I’ve come so close and there’s only a few steps left to go, and then, then I can – “
He broke off as his voice cracked, and he lowered his eyes, trying to keep the rest of it from her. He shook his head and cleared his throat, but said nothing more.
She stepped forward, watching him from under veiled lids, and he realized she was choosing her words carefully.
“You did something wrong,” she said slowly. “We both know it. You’re trying to punish yourself for it – no, don’t try to say you aren’t – no, shut up, that’s what you’re doing, there’s no way around it; you’re punishing yourself for it, even though we both know you weren’t in control.”
She stepped forward again, coming closer, holding his gaze.
“You need to learn the difference between what you can and cannot expect from yourself. You are not super-human. You are not uncommon. You have a gift, you have a destiny – but you’re just a man. Like I’m just a woman. And there’s strength in that – there’s strength in being nothing more than who you are. You cannot hold yourself responsible for something that you could not stop.”
He just stood there, jaw set, staring at her.
“I don’t want a gentleman,” she said.
Raven felt his brow furrow in an automatic reaction of confusion.
“I don’t want someone to ask for my hand and woo me,” she continued, watching him closely. “I don’t want someone to show off at parties, and I don’t want to tell the story of how we met. I don’t want someone who will fix all my problems or devote his life to me. I don’t want someone who’ll only touch me when it’s the right time to do so. I want a partner. I don’t want someone who will stand behind me; I want someone who will stand beside me. And I want that person to be you. I want you. Not because I love your eyes, but because I love the way you see. Not because I love your voice, but because I love the words you say. Not because you were born a prince, but because you deserve to be one. I want you, exactly as you are.”
As she broke off, still watching him, he had no response. He was completely captivated; his mind was blank, and all he could do was focus on her voice.
“But I will not wait for you,” she said, setting her jaw. Her brow furrowed, and Raven felt a sense of panic start in the tips of his fingers. “There is no time to sort through whatever it is you want to deal with. I don’t want someone who says they want me back and then won’t be with me. I don’t play games, and I won’t stand by while someone else plays them on me. So if you still want to go, then go. But if you walk out of this tent, then whatever we are, whatever we could have been, is over. I’m not waiting around for you. You’re either with me, or you’re not.”
Slowly, his brain began to work again, and he found himself
speaking.
“Yes,” he said, feeling his hands start to sweat for no particular reason. “Yes, you’re right. So I … I should go.”
But he didn’t move. He felt as though his feet had been nailed to the floor. Seconds passed, and then a full minute, as the light from the oil lamp flickered and played with the shadows across her face; shadows that never dimmed the brilliance of her eyes.
A different kind of feeling came over him, a warmth that slipped in beneath the panic, which seemed to exist in the tips of his fingers and the soles of his feet, and was telling him to run to the side of the tent and rip his way through and go sprinting off into the night. The warmth … the pleasure … was urging something else entirely.
He found himself focusing on the cut along her jaw, the one that had yet to fully heal. He’d always assumed that scars detracted from beauty, that they took something away from the natural perfection that all of the other Children embodied and desired. But with Leah it was different. Each scar she had she’d earned fighting against the Empire; each was a mark of honor, tallied up against the world’s harsh design. Her whole body was covered with scars … her whole body.
As if drawn by his thought, Leah took an involuntary step forward, and as she did he reached up and brushed against her arm with his fingers. When they touched, energy flowed between them that made his mouth go dry. He heard her breath catch in her chest.
“Are you all right?” he asked, the words brushing against the side of her cheek. She didn’t answer, and he didn’t blame her.
Heat seemed to radiate from them both, and they were so close now that they were almost embracing. His mind was consumed with a need for her, an endless yearning he’d never felt for anyone else. He began to ache, his hands and body almost shaking. She swallowed and he realized there were bright spots of color in her cheeks. He opened his mouth to say something, and realized he didn’t want to. He had a thousand and one excuses, and no longer cared about any of them.
He could feel her breath rushing from her mouth, hot against his throat, the inside of which felt like it was coated with sandpaper. He was suddenly aware, with a strange unwavering certainty, that his hands and feet were completely, absurdly out of proportion to the rest of his body. How he had never noticed that before, he didn’t know, but in this instant it was abundantly clear he had the body of a crazy sideshow clown.
