by Hadley Quinn
Good thing I loved my brother so much.
“So what do you think of the boat party?” Clark asked as we departed the store. “Yes?”
Ugh, a fancy fundraiser for a good cause. I would have been sold in a heartbeat if it hadn’t been “party dress” attire.
“I dunno, Clark. Don’t want to find a date.”
“I’ll find one for you.”
“NO.”
“Then don’t bring one at all.”
His company hosted one of those things twice a year, and the events I had attended were absolutely ones you’d prefer having a date because everyone else had one. Normally, I’d be Clark’s plus-one, but he had his own date already.
Besides, I felt like a loser since he was my cousin.
“There aren’t any guys in your life, Jolie? Come on, there has to be at least one who could talk gamer shit with my peers. ‘Cause you certainly can’t. I only invite you as eye candy.”
I laughed at his banter. “No, I cannot talk gamer shit. And I’m not ashamed of that, either.”
“So? Just one guy on your list?”
“I’m recently divorced. I don’t have a list.”
“It’s been a year. You need to get on that. And I can definitely set you up with someone who is smart and knows how to treat you nice.”
Hmm. Maybe one of Clark’s coworkers would be a possibility. Perhaps I needed to step outside my comfort zone. Okay, who are we kidding. I didn’t have a comfort zone to begin with.
“I’ll think about it. But hey, this is weird… Remember Josh Cameron? From high school?”
He opened the car door for me and frowned. “Of course I remember Josh. Even when he was a sophomore, everyone knew he was going to be starting quarterback.”
Oh yeah, Clark was part of the same football team. Not as a player but…a statistics guru.
“And everyone was shocked when you two went your separate ways,” he added before shutting my door. He walked around the car and climbed in. “And you cried when QB1 left for USC. I was stunned that was the end of you two.”
I scowled at him. “I did not cry.”
And I hadn’t heard “QB1” in ages. All the football players called Josh that more than they ever did his name. Just hearing Clark say it again hit me with a bit of nostalgia.
“Yes, you did cry,” he laughed. “Big time. You said he picked football over you so it wasn’t meant to be.”
I argued with Clark. I didn’t remember any of that. I did remember thinking Josh didn’t care about me that much. And yeah, thinking back, maybe I did take it personally. I wasn’t mature enough to see the big picture back then.
“So why’d you mention QB1?” he asked after we took the exit for El Cerrito.
“Because I ran into him the other day. He’s back in town.”
Clark put on the brakes a little too hard as we approached a stoplight. “Say what?”
I brought my hand up to brace myself if I had to. “Jeez, skipper, handle your vessel.”
“He’s in town, as in back here for good?”
“Have no idea. Didn’t get that much from him.” Got other things from him, my brain mumbled. My body stirred with the memory.
“Well, I’m going to find out, because that’s who you’re bringing to the fundraiser.”
Those warm desires were quickly replaced with panic.
~12~
Clark wouldn’t give up on the idea of bringing Josh as my date. I argued with him for almost an hour when we returned to my apartment, even telling him about the latest with Josh. Well, not all of it. But I was so rattled by his insistence, I couldn’t even finish putting together my brother’s present.
“Who taught you how to wrap gifts?” Clark scoffed, grabbing the current mess-in-progress from my possession. He unwrapped my disaster and restarted with brand new paper. “Gift bags, girl. You need to stick with gift bags. And yes, you’re bringing Josh to the fundraiser. It’s a few months out, you’ve got plenty of time.”
“Have you not heard a word I’ve said? He’s not the same guy anymore, Clark. And I’m sure he’d end up offending your little clan of geeks within five minutes of the party.”
“You know what percentage of the gaming market is directed at athletes?”
My answer didn’t matter because he went into statistical mode anyway, and before I knew it, he had me promising I’d at least consider the idea of bringing Josh as my date.
As soon as Clark left, I stared at the wall and considered it for two seconds and said, “Nope, not gonna happen.”
When I told Anna about the ridiculousness, she was more intrigued than I thought she’d be. “Hmm, a boat full of rich nerds? Can I be your date?” Like Clark, she seemed to be in favor of the plan. “What’s it gonna hurt? You help a worthy cause, and you get to have Josh in a different environment. Maybe you’d discover more about him?”
Putting it that way, she briefly held my attention. But I quickly reminded her Josh hadn’t even texted me since our adventures on the couch. It pissed me off, but I was hurt more than I wanted to admit. I couldn’t believe he’d spend time with me like that and not even attempt a follow-up conversation.
I chose to discard the one-week rule and let time drift into two weeks, still not hearing from him. Valentine’s Day came and went, and his disinterest in me was insulting as well as tactless. My disappointment was evidence that I still wasn’t over him being such a different person, and I could only hope the hurt would fade with time.
My brother had a home game on a Sunday afternoon, the day of his birthday. I sat with my parents and enjoyed watching him pitch the sixth and seventh innings. He started a bit iffy, walking two batters, but ended strong.
My parents left when Drew didn’t step on the mound in the eighth, but I stuck around. I was kind of getting drawn to the strategic elements of the game, especially after listening to two dads discussing it nearby. I wanted to chime in with my opinions but chose not to waste my energy on being social.
When the game was over and Cal took the win, I stuck around to speak with Drew. I at least wanted to give him his present, but maybe he’d let me take him to dinner. I’d only casually mention it though, being that he probably had plans with his friends.
When I spotted him, he was speaking to… Josh. I couldn’t believe it. Did the guy come to every fucking game? I’ll admit, I’d looked for him early on but didn’t see him. I understood why, now that I knew the dugout had blocked sight of him from where I’d been sitting.
I hung back, planning to jet. The jerk didn’t even have the courtesy to text me in the last two weeks; my brother’s game was the last place I felt like dealing with him.
He could kiss my ass!
“Jolie,” Drew called the second I turned to leave. I so badly wanted to pretend I hadn’t heard him, but I’d already paused. Plus, I had the gift in my car I was really excited to give him, and I wasn’t about to let Josh Cameron ruin that for me.
Hoping I wouldn’t regret it, I spun around to face my fate. I chose not to make eye contact with my past and focused on my brother instead. It didn’t help much. I could feel Josh’s eyes drilling through me.
“Josh is taking us to eat for my birthday,” Drew informed me excitedly. “Stick around, okay?”
I watched him trot off to meet with his team, just as his words clicked. Us? As in…me too?
Fuck. No.
“Just let him know I’ll call him later,” I mumbled as I turned on my heel. There was no damn way I was going to last a meal without wanting to strangle Josh. And it was my brother’s birthday. I didn’t want to cause any drama for him.
“He’ll be really disappointed if you don’t come,” Josh’s now-familiar deep voice said behind me. My heart bounced off the pit of my stomach and then started thumping erratically.
I hated that he could cause such a thing to happen.
Realizing my legs couldn’t outwalk his, I slowed. He was walking beside me, matching my speed.
“Join u
s, JoJo. He’s looking forward to it.”
“Well, he wouldn’t be if you hadn’t suggested it,” I snapped, stopping to face him. “Why the hell would you do that? He’s my brother. You don’t get to insert yourself into my time with him!”
He stepped back in surprise, holding up his hands. “Whoa, Jesus. What’s with the wrath?”
He didn’t know? He really didn’t know?
I collected a silent breath of air, refusing to grant him an answer, and left. He followed me all the way to my car where I opened the trunk, removed the beautifully wrapped gift, and shoved it against his chest.
“Here. Just give him this.”
I slammed the trunk shut and turned for my door, but Josh stepped in front of me, setting the present on the roof while blocking me against the car. I was already breathless from trying to contain my rage, but his proximity sucked the last remaining bit of oxygen from my lungs. His eyes were locked on mine, and then he leaned forward and pressed his lips against my cheek.
“Breathe, JoJo,” he whispered.
He pulled back and waited; he truly meant breathe. I exhaled the breath I’d been holding as I dropped my forehead against his chest. Why give him that much of me? I couldn’t help it. It was automatic. I felt defeated. And when he wrapped his arms around me, I hugged him back.
And subtly sniffed him. Damn it, he smelled good.
Hating him was exhausting. And frankly, I was tired of wasting my time fretting over what he may or may not intend. If I was going to keep bumping into him, one of us had to be the mature one.
I pushed him away from me, and he took a step back.
“I can’t do this anymore, Josh. You can’t just…do stuff to me and then not talk to me for two weeks. That’s pretty shitty, and I’m not used to that from you at all. So knock it off. Okay? If you don’t have any intention of getting to know me again, then stay away and keep your hands off me. You don’t deserve to touch me like that when all you’ve been is a prick.”
His eyes had narrowed while he listened to me rant, and then a brow shot up. “Touch you like what?”
That stupid smirk formed at the corner of his lips, and it was the icing on my shit cake. I grabbed the present from the roof, threw it into the back seat, and climbed in. I was hoping the tears could at least hold off until I’d driven away, but no, they had to join the party when I slammed the door shut, cranked the ignition a little too hard, and burned rubber on the street.
I bawled the entire way home.
Of course, missing time with my brother made me cry even harder. I was so furious about that. But I wasn’t a pathetic little floozy who Josh could play games with. I spent nearly a decade accommodating Chris’s existence, making sure everything was his way and to his liking, and trying not to disappoint him. I lost myself, what I wanted, and where I wanted to be in my life.
No. More.
My phone had been buzzing with calls until I stepped through my door. I checked it on my way to start the bathwater. I’d missed six calls from Josh and my brother.
Didn’t care. I turned off my ringer and switched it to music instead. I lit candles, turned the lights down, and added a lovely smelling scoop of vanilla bath salts to the water.
It. Was. Heavenly.
There are perks to living alone. You don’t have anyone to answer to. You can do anything you want, as long as you want, in any order you want.
Anything.
When I stepped out of the bath and wrapped a towel around me, my eye caught the drawer my little pink friend had been stowed away in. The only time I’d thought about the device was when my mind drifted to Josh and his expert handling of it.
I slowly pulled the drawer open…further…further…until I could see the pink satin bag it was swathed in. Pausing, I glanced into the hall and then to my bedroom, like I needed a game plan or something. With a scoff, I yanked the toy from the drawer and headed for my room.
I locked my bedroom door. I don’t know why—don’t judge. What I was about to do was to be witnessed by just the four walls of my room. Pink penis had had its way with me on the couch, but I planned on making new memories.
Without a man.
When I was comfortable on the bed, I pulled the vibrator from its bag. I’d only turned it on before, so I at least knew how to do that. After it came to life, I stared at it in my hand before slipping it under the towel. I hesitated only briefly before applying a tad bit of pressure to my clit, moving it around until a jolting sensation traveled through my nerves.
I paused for a few seconds, and then repeated what I’d done before, adding more pressure, less pressure, varied techniques—just to see what I liked. I stuck with an up-and-down motion for a bit, creating a nice, consistent rhythm. Especially after I was clearly turned on and used the wetness to complement the experience.
See? Didn’t need a man.
Except after ten minutes, I wasn’t getting much satisfaction from that sporadic little zap of sensation every couple of seconds. I’d maneuver the vibration until it built to a certain point…and it just kinda lingered there.
Frustrated, I decided I needed to go for the plunge. I’d seriously never stuck anything other than one man’s penis inside my vagina, except an occasional finger for health reasons or basic exploration. Even then, I’d never actually masturbated to the point of orgasm.
I was probably the only twenty-eight-year-old woman who didn’t know the benefits of such a thing.
I gently inserted the tip. Josh had managed effortlessly, but then again, he was probably an expert in those sorts of things. And he definitely distracted me with his mouth.
His mouth. Unfortunately, the man was an amazing kisser. Had I only granted him that, I would have been a happy woman. But he’d also made me come with the stroke of his fingers and performed wonders with a vibrator.
There was no telling what he could do with the rest of his body.
And that’s when I realized how badly I wanted him on top of me, inside of me, and all over me. As mad as I was with him, I wanted his tongue in my mouth and his fingers in my hair, and I wanted his cock deep inside me. I could only imagine how that would feel—having him naked against me, inside me—enjoying every ounce of passion that pulsated through us. He probably was a monster in bed, like Anna had suggested.
That made me sigh with pleasure, imagining all the sex with him—bed, couch, and against the wall. I had no doubt he was full of dirty words and thoughts. I bet he possessed a switch that could ignite that naughty tongue into a weapon to weaken my resistance.
And all he’d whispered that first time was the things I want to do to you. I’d never forgotten those words. And I believed he could deliver, just from the way my body reacted. Like now. I could feel the tension build, imagining if Josh were to pound the hell out of me. A monster in bed. Could I handle it?
I wanted to.
And that scared the hell out of me.
~13~
“You had angry sex with yourself?” Anna exclaimed, eyes wide with bemusement.
I spit out my coffee in shock, glad we were at least walking outside. But there were people around, and an elderly woman with a little white dog cast me a disgusted scowl as she passed.
“Do you have to shout out my life to anyone in the vicinity?” I hissed.
“Well, I’m sorry,” she whispered. “It just caught me by surprise.”
“Yeah, well, I’m thinking I just tell you too much. Maybe you should start dishing more of your own dirt.”
“What do you wanna know? I’m kind of an open book already.”
It was my turn to shrug because she was right. I’d just never shared so much with a person before. Anna was my first actual gal pal.
I told her that, and she replied, “Aww, I get to be your first? I’m honored. But you don’t have to be embarrassed with me, Jo. I grew up in San Francisco, and my two best friends were gay lovers. Between those kinky guys and my crazy ass hippie mom, I don’t think there’s anything that will shock me
.”
Emma skipped over from the slide to get a drink. Anna retrieved a bottle of water from her purse, and after a few gulps were taken, that cute little girl skipped daintily to the swings next.
“She’s so adorable,” I said as we continued to slowly walk the perimeter of the playground. “She’s like a miniature version of her mom.”
“Let’s hope you just mean the dark hair,” she laughed. “I really don’t want her to know things that I knew at her age. Nope, way too much.”
“And what does Danny think? About your upbringing and what you want for Emma?”
“I don’t really know, to be honest. Once we agreed to raise Emma together, he’s always been there for her. For us. He had no father around, just uncles. He thinks that sort of disarray is okay, as long as you have someone you can call family.”
I bobbed my head back and forth. “Well, I guess that’s not so bad.”
“Yeah, it’s not the worst thing.”
“You don’t think he’ll ever want marriage? Or more kids?”
She pursed her lips, slowly shaking her head. “Nah, can’t see it.”
“And what about you? Is the current arrangement okay with you? You once said you could go either way, but what if that changes? What if you meet a guy who wants all that with you?”
We sat on a bench, and Anna gave me an ambiguous smile. “We’ve been off and on for eight years. I’ll keep dropping hints, but if he’s not okay with it, not gonna force him. Right now, we work. No need to change anything.”
Too much of that made me uncomfortable. Chris was fine with getting married—in fact, it was his idea—but along with his other “plans,” I just tended to go along with them, thinking I’d adapt. But there are certain issues in a relationship where you need to be in at least the same chapter for things to work.
Having kids was a huge one. To the day, I wondered if Chris would have ever given me that.
As I walked with Anna and Emma to their car, I smiled at the simple delights of a six-year-old. She got just as excited for string cheese while being buckled into her booster seat as she did listening to the fire engines nearby. Hearing her say, “Thank you, Momma, I love you!” when Anna opened her snack truly tugged at my heartstrings.
