by Duncan Ball
‘It’s not scary, Mummy,’ Willy said. ‘It’s just funny when he chops heads off and that.’
‘You’re not watching it!’
‘Is this one okay, Mummy?’ Willy asked, handing another DVD to Aunt Jetty.
‘Krazy Kitties Go on Holidays,’ she read. ‘“Another fun-filled frolic, when Karen and Karla Kitty get lost in a fun fair.” Yes, you can watch this one.’
‘Okay, Mummy,’ Willy and Billy said together.
‘The Blood of the Wolfman,’ Aunt Jetty said to her sister. ‘Can you believe the things kids watch today? When we were kids our parents read us stories like Goldilocks and the Three Bears. They were scary enough! I used to be terrified when the three bears blew the house down.’
‘I think that was The Three Little Pigs,’ said Mrs Trifle. ‘What scared me was the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood.’
‘Yes, I remember,’ Aunt Jetty laughed. ‘When Mum said, ‘'What big teeth you have, Grandma", you’d put your hands over your eyes and scream, “It’s a wolf! It’s a wolf!”’
Dr Trifle laughed.
‘When the giant in Jack and the Beanstalk said, “Fee fi fo fum",’ Dr Trifle said, ‘I used to scream, “Look out! Here he comes!”’
Dr and Mrs Trifle and Aunt Jetty all had a big laugh.
‘Uh-oh! I’m going to be late for my Aggressiveness Training class,’ Aunt Jetty said, leaping up and giving a sideways kick. ‘Hiiii-yah!’
Now this is the bit that I saw but I don’t think anyone else did. Just as she got to the door, Aunt Jetty noticed the bottle of Dr Trifle’s hair restorer in the rubbish.
‘What have we here? Beautifying and Anti-Ageing Cream,’ she mumbled as she slipped it into her sports bag.
Anyway, later when Dr Trifle was back in his workroom and Mrs Trifle was in the study, Willy said, ‘Hey, Billy! Let’s watch the Krazy Kitties.’
‘Yeah, right,’ Billy said. ‘He he he.’
I could tell from the giggling that they were up to no good. Sure enough, out of the Krazy Kitties Go on Holidays DVD case came The Blood of the Wolfman. Those sneaky brats had switched the DVDs!
Anyway, they started watching it — and it was awful! It was about this werewolf called Hairy Harry who went around killing people. The only way to kill him was to put a piece of wood through his heart. Anyway, somebody did kill him in the end. Sooooooo gross!
‘If he came in here I could kill him with my cricket bat!’ Billy said.
‘No, you couldn’t,’ Willy said. ‘He’d chop your head off.’
‘He couldn’t because I’d get him first.’
‘No, you wouldn’t, Billy. I’d shoot him in the heart with my bow and arrow and he’d be dead.’
‘Ha ha. He’d chop your head off cos your arrows are only rubber.’
‘Oh yeah? Well then I’d pull the rubber bit off and shoot him through the heart and he’d be really, really dead, stupid.’
That’s when Mrs Trifle came out of the study.
‘How was the movie?’ she asked the boys.
‘It was good,’ they both said.
‘Well, your mother just rang to say she’s going to be late. So you can sleep on the lounge till she gets back.’
Mrs Trifle put a blanket over the boys and turned off the lights. Then she and Dr Trifle went to bed.
So there I was, wide awake and totally spooked by the stupid movie. Every time I heard a noise I thought it was Hairy Harry coming to chop my head off. Of course, Willy and Billy went right to sleep.
Anyway, about an hour later I heard the front door slowly creaking open. At first I thought, ‘It’s the werewolf!’ but then I thought, ‘Get a grip, Selby, it’s only Aunt Jetty.’
I looked out from under the tablecloth and there was this really hairy hand coming around the door.
‘Gulp,’ I thought. ‘It’s him! But it can’t be!’
The hairy hand was followed by another hairy hand, and then a hairy head. There, creeping into the lounge room, was Hairy Harry!
Now, I don’t know what you’d do if a hairy head-chopping monster came into your lounge room. I don’t reckon you’d think it over or anything. I mean, you probably wouldn’t say to yourself, ‘A hairy head-chopping monster just came into my lounge room. What should I do about it? Let me think this over.’ No, I reckon you’d scream. And that’s just what I did. I yelled out in plain English, ‘Help! He’s here! The monster’s here! Run for your lives!’
The surprising thing was that the monster screamed too.
‘A monster! A monster!’ it screamed.
That’s when I realised that the hairy head-chopping werewolf was really Aunt Jetty! And all the hair was from Dr Trifle’s hair restorer, because she’d thought it was Beautifying and Anti-Ageing Cream and put it all over herself!
Anyway, Aunt Jetty ran down the hallway to get away from the monster and she suddenly saw herself in the hall mirror. Of course, she didn’t know she was covered in hair, and in the darkness she didn’t know that the hairy monster running towards her was herself.
Suddenly she leapt into the air with a ‘Hiiii-yah!', kicking the mirror and smashing it to bits.
‘Where’d you go, you devil?’ she screamed, and she raced back, kicking in every direction. ‘Hiiii-yah! Hiiii-yah! Hiiii-yah!’
Now at this point the boys woke up and started screaming at the top of their lungs, ‘Help! It’s him! It’s him! Help!’ while running around trying to keep out of the way of their kicking mother.
Hearing all the noise, Mrs Trifle tore out of the bedroom and when she saw the hairy, kicking monster she suddenly must have gone back to being a little girl again, because she put her hands over her eyes and screamed, ‘It’s a wolf! It’s a wolf!’
The thing about Dr Trifle is that he’s a very sound sleeper. Almost nothing wakes him up. But he’s not a sound enough sleeper to sleep through four people screaming at the top of their lungs, and one of them kicking the furniture to bits. So, still dazed from his deep sleep, Dr Trifle stepped into the hallway, rubbing his face with his hands.
It was then that he must have felt the patch of new hair growing on the top of his head where he used to be bald. And it was then that he saw the dark hairy figure kicking and roaring like a gorilla fighting off a herd of attacking hyenas.
It was suddenly all too much for him and he, too, sank back into his Jack and the Beanstalk days.
‘Look out!’ he screamed. ‘Here he comes! Look out! Look out!’
Billy was running around bashing his mother with his plastic cricket bat until she kicked him across the room.
Willy, meanwhile, ripped the rubber tips off his wooden arrows, took aim at his mother and drew the bow back so far I thought it would break.
‘Shoot him in the heart, Willy!’ Billy screamed. ‘Shoot the werewolf! Ready! Aim! …’
When I saw Willy about to shoot his mother through the heart, I knew I had to do something.
I leapt out from under the table and was about to yell out in plain English, ‘Stop this! Stop it right now! It’s not a hairy head-chopping monster, it’s only Aunt Jetty!’ when suddenly Billy yelled, ‘Fire!’ and Willy let the arrow go.
The arrow flew through the air as fast as a bullet, heading straight for Aunt Jetty. For a minute I thought of jumping into the air and letting it hit me instead, but then I thought better of it.
Suddenly there was water everywhere. Billy yelling ‘Fire!’ had set off Dr Trifle’s fire putter-outer invention.
Aunt Jetty had gone into a fighting crouch, kicking this way and that with her bottom pointing in my direction. I knew there was only one thing to do to save her. I sprang towards her, flying through the air like an eagle after a rat.
And that’s when I bit Aunt Jetty on the bum — again. Only this time it was on purpose.
‘Yooooouuuuuuch!’ Aunt Jetty screamed, straightening up — as you would do if you were bent over and someone bit you on the bum — and the arrow whizzed past, just missing her.
Suddenly th
e wet tuft of hair on Dr Trifle’s head slid off and hit the floor. And then all the hair from the hairy monster fell off too.
‘Jetty!’ Mrs Trifle cried. ‘It’s you!’
Anyway, so that’s what happened. Later the Trifles and Aunt Jetty laughed when they talked about ‘The Big Shemozzle’. Aunt Jetty blamed it all on the boys watching a DVD they shouldn’t have. Mrs Trifle blamed Dr Trifle for inventing his hair restorer. Dr Trifle blamed Mrs Trifle for screaming so much and waking him up. Willy blamed Billy for hitting his mother with his cricket bat. And everyone blamed Willy for almost killing Aunt Jetty.
I was the only one who didn’t get any blame, and really, when you think about it, it was my fault. It never would have happened if I hadn’t screamed when Aunt Jetty came in the door.
The surprising thing was that Aunt Jetty was actually happy that I bit her on the bum.
‘You saved my life, you smelly old thing,’ she said. ‘If you hadn’t nipped me, I’d have been killed.’
And that’s when the most horrible thing of all happened — Aunt Jetty kissed me.
Yucko!
Paw note: See ‘Selby Bites Back’ in the book Selby Supersnoop.
S
Seeing-Eye Selby
‘You’ll like my old friend, Bertha,’ Cousin Wilhemina said to Mrs Trifle. ‘She’s just visiting for the weekend. You wouldn’t mind putting her up, would you?’
‘No, I’d be happy to,’ said Mrs Trifle.
‘She’s a big woman,’ Cousin Wilhemina said. ‘Likes her food. But she’s not fussy. She’ll eat anything. And so will Fred.’
‘Fred? Who’s Fred, her husband?’
Wilhemina laughed.
‘Oh no, she isn’t married. Fred isn’t a who, he’s a what. He’s not a person, he’s a thing.’
‘You want me to put up a strange woman and … and a thing?’
‘He’s a dog, ‘Wilhemina said. ‘Fred is Bertha’s dog.’
‘Now hang on,’ Selby thought. ‘I’m a dog and I’m not just a thing. What is she on about?’
‘You didn’t mention that your friend is bringing her dog,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘What if he doesn’t get along with Selby? Oh, well, I guess we could leave him outdoors.’
‘No, you can’t do that. Fred is Bertha’s seeing-eye dog.’
‘Her what?’
‘Her seeing-eye dog. Her guide dog. He leads her everywhere and sleeps by her bed. You can’t separate them.’
‘Oh, I get it,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘your friend is blind. Why didn’t you say so? I’m sure she and her dog won’t be any trouble at all. Now I remember Bertha. You two used to go hiking together, didn’t you?’
‘Many years ago,’ Cousin Wilhemina said. ‘She became a very serious mountaineer. She lost her sight when she came down with mountain madness on the tallest mountain in the world and then fell off a cliff.’
‘Mount Everest, was it?’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘No, that’s not the tallest anymore. Not since they discovered Mount Selby in Antarctica.’
‘Mount Selby,’ Selby thought. ‘My mountain. I love that mountain — even if it did almost kill me.’
‘So when will your friend be coming over?’ Mrs Trifle asked.
‘She’s here. She’s in the car right now. I’ll bring her in.’
Selby watched as the big woman and her enormous dog came through the door. Fred stared at Selby and silently curled his lip, showing a full set of pointy teeth.
‘Good grief,’ Selby thought as he backed away. ‘This is no dog — it’s a shark! Settle down, big fella. I won’t hurt you.’
That afternoon, Mrs Trifle and Bertha had lunch while Fred ate all of Selby’s Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits.
‘Blindness isn’t much fun,’ Bertha told Mrs Trifle, ‘but my life is pretty normal, thanks to Fred. He gets me around fairly well. I do sometimes miss getting out into nature — hiking, mountain climbing, kayaking — the sort of things I used to do before my accident. But never mind about me, you’ve got work to do.’
‘I am a little busy,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I have a bit of work to do for my council meeting.’
‘Well, I might just go for a walk,’ Bertha said. ‘Oh, I forgot — sore leg.’
‘I’m terribly sorry,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I hope you feel better soon.’
‘It’s not me,’ the woman said, ‘it’s Fred. I must have walked him too hard yesterday.’
‘I’ll take you for a walk,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘My work can wait.’
‘I couldn’t ask you to do that. You’re a busy woman. I have some books on CD that I can listen to. But wait a minute — what about that dog of yours?’
‘What about him?’
‘Maybe he could walk me around the block.’
‘I suppose so, but he’s not a guide dog. Guide dogs have to be very well trained, don’t they?’
‘What’s so hard about being a guide dog?’ Selby thought. ‘I could take her for a walk.’
‘Yes, they have to be well trained,’ Bertha said. ‘They can’t just go chasing cars or cats or sticks — ’
‘I don’t chase cars or cats or sticks,’ Selby thought. ‘The only thing I ever chased was a peanut prawn that was falling off a plate — and I caught it before it hit the ground.’
‘ — and they have to be responsible — ’
‘I’m responsible.’
‘ — and, most of all, they have to be intelligent.’
‘Hey, hang on, I’m intelligent. I’d be a terrific guide dog. I can even read signs. What guide dog can do that? And I could ask for directions (but I wouldn’t, of course).’
‘I’ll tell you what,’ Bertha said, ‘put a leash on your dog. I’ll take my white stick, and I’m sure between the two of us I’ll be able to go for a short walk.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes, of course I’m sure and I insist.’
‘I’ll show her,’ Selby thought.
It was a careful, responsible and intelligent dog that led the blind woman up the driveway to the street and then along the footpath.
‘Come on, dog, let’s get a wriggle on,’ the woman said. ‘How am I going to get any exercise at this speed?’
Selby led the woman twice around the block and then once around again.
‘You’re going fine, dog,’ the woman said. ‘Another hour should do it.’
‘Another hour? No wonder Fred is lame. And I’m beginning to feel like a merry-go-round horse going round and round and round,’ Selby thought. ‘I think I’ll take her somewhere a bit more interesting. How about a walk along the creek?’
Selby stopped and looked both ways before crossing the street.
‘Hey, we’ve crossed a street,’ the woman said. ‘Good one, dog. Take me somewhere interesting.’
Selby led the woman down the street and then across a field and up a hill.
‘Bravo!’ she said. ‘Come on, dog, my leg muscles are just starting to work! Keep it up.’
‘She’s loving it,’ Selby thought. ‘I’ll bet Fred never gives her a workout like this. He’s too careful. She needs an uncareful, responsible, intelligent dog like me.’
As the hill got steeper and steeper, Selby dug his paws into the dirt and scrambled up and up. Around boulders and bushes they went. Selby kept his face towards the ground making sure there was nothing to trip on. Suddenly …
Clonk!
‘Ooooooh,’ Bertha groaned.
Selby turned quickly to see the big woman sitting on the ground.
‘Oh, no!’ he thought. ‘A low branch! She clonked her head because I was looking at the ground. This guide dog stuff is trickier than I thought.’
‘A branch,’ Bertha said, reaching out and patting Selby and then getting slowly to her feet. ‘I haven’t clonked my head like that since I went walking in a jungle in Africa. What a trip that was. Brings back old memories. Come on, dog, what are we waiting for?’
Selby kept going up the hill, but this time he watched for low branches while Ber
tha lifted her stick in the air to do the same.
‘This is fun,’ Selby thought. ‘I’ll bet she hasn’t had a walk like this since her mountaineering days.’
On and on, up and up Selby raced with the woman until …
‘Ooooo, uuuuh, woooooo!’
Selby turned around to find the woman on the ground again.
‘Uh-oh,’ he thought. ‘Where did that rabbit hole come from? Just when I start to look up for branches there are things to look down for, like rabbit holes.’
Bertha struggled to her feet.
‘A hole,’ she said. ‘That reminds me of the time I fell down a crack in a glacier in South America. Well, leg’s not broken. Everything’s still working. Come on, dog, let’s get a move on while there’s still time in the day. Oh, how I love being out in nature again! This is wonderful!’
Selby trudged on, and then started down the other side of the hill.
Suddenly he saw something.
‘The sun,’ he thought. ‘It’s not there anymore. It must have set. If we don’t get back soon, we’re going to be stuck out here after dark.’
Selby looked around at the trees and fields below.
‘We should go back the way we came, but it’s too late,’ he thought. ‘We’ll have to take a short-cut.’
Down and down they went till they got to the banks of Bogusville Creek.
‘Oh, no,’ Selby thought, ‘we’re on the wrong side of the creek and the bridge is washed out! The only way across is over the fallen log. I can’t possibly get her over that. But we have to. It’s getting cold and we’ll freeze if we don’t get home.’
‘What’s that? Water?’ Bertha said. ‘Do I hear rushing water? What a wonderful sound. That reminds me of the time I’d been walking for a week along the Oronoco River and I knew I had to get across it or starve to death. And the only way across was over a slippery log.’
‘Well, that’s exactly what we have here,’ Selby thought (he didn’t say it, though, he only thought it).
Selby walked towards the log and then started across it.
‘I can’t believe I’m doing this!’ he screamed in his brain. ‘And I’m not only doing it but I’m pulling a blind woman with me!’
Selby and Bertha were about halfway across when the rushing water suddenly moved the log, sending Selby plunging one way into the creek and Bertha the other.
