by Sue Welfare
‘Would you like some tea?’ Joe asked, getting up.
Kate finally slid down into the chair Chrissie had so recently vacated. ‘Yes,’ she said exhausted, head in hand. It was as if all those emotions had burnt off a huge amount of energy. But she wasn’t too tired to fight. ‘How could you do this to me?’
‘Kate, I didn’t mean to hurt you.’
‘You should have thought about that before you screwed Chrissie. I don’t know where this leaves us, Joe. Where do we go from here?’
She looked up at him. His expression held but she could see the panic and pain flash behind his eyes.
Kate spoke very slowly. ‘I’ve always been on your side, Joe, I thought we were a team. I know things haven’t always gone the way you wanted but I’ve never given you a hard time about it. I’ve always believed in what you do, your talent, I never ever said give up the music, get real, get a proper job,’ Kate paused. Maybe that was the problem, maybe he needed something to kick against, maybe she had killed him with kindness. ‘Are you planning to leave? Do you want to be with her? Have you just been waiting for the right time to tell me?’
He looked completely horrified. ‘God – no, of course not. I don’t want Chrissie, Kate, I never wanted Chrissie. I want you.’
‘It doesn’t look much like that from where I’m sitting, Joe. And actually don’t bother about the tea, either, it would most probably choke me.’
Feeling incredibly tired and world-weary Kate picked up her bags and headed upstairs.
Despite an odd sense of unreality, and a voice in her head that said that this couldn’t be happening, standing in the doorway to their bedroom Kate felt another great wave of nausea rising up in her stomach. There was no way she would ever be able to bring herself to wash the sheets. Ripping them off the bed Kate bundled everything, sheets, duvet cover, pillowcases into a big untidy roll and stuffed the whole lot into a black plastic rubbish bag.
When she was done, Kate pushed her hair back out of her eyes and – as she brushed her finger across her face – was amazed to find that she had been crying. While she worked Kate had no idea where Joe was or what he was doing. It was as if her consciousness edited him out. Who could she tell, who she could talk to about this, who was there who would put their arms around her and hold her tight until the tears boiled dry?
As she got clean sheets out of the airing cupboard Danny and Jake came jogging up the stairs.
‘We saw your car,’ said Danny, slumping down onto the bare mattress.
Jake grinned a hello. ‘We weren’t expecting you back until Monday.’
Kate didn’t trust herself to speak.
‘How’s Gran? Is there any chance of a lift to –’ but before Danny had chance to say anything more, the phone rang in the hall. ‘Bugger,’ he said.
It rang once, twice, ‘I’ll get it,’ Kate said and hurried downstairs to pick it up.
‘Hi,’ said Maggie. ‘I rang to see if you’d got back okay. It was lovely to see you. It was such a shame you couldn’t have stayed longer.’
If only Maggie knew how big a shame.
‘It would be great if you could come down next week, if you can spare the time obviously. You don’t have to stay all week –’
It was the first time she remembered Maggie asking her for anything. Kate paused for a moment; on the drive home she had come up with all kinds of valid excuses for not going back, although that seemed like a long time ago now. On the edge of her hearing she heard the back door close. It had to be Joe going out. Kate swallowed hard. She longed to be away from this mess more than almost anything else, and so Kate said, as brightly as she could manage, ‘Don’t worry. I’ll be down first thing Monday morning if that’s okay. It’ll give me chance to sort some work out –’
‘Oh, that’s wonderful,’ Maggie sounded surprised and relieved.
‘I’ve got to go now though, Mum, I’ve – I’ve –’ Kate paused again, unable to think of any plausible reason to hang up. The possibilities were too painful to contemplate. ‘I’ll ring you later.’
Kate was barely half way up the stairs before the phone rang again.
‘I’m pleased that you’ve been to see Mum,’ said Liz, before Kate could get more than a few words of greeting in.
‘Obviously she’s got my mobile number if she needs me,’ Liz continued. Her tone was emphatic, dry, businesslike and above all, defensive. ‘She’s never appreciated a lot of fuss.’ The inference was of course that haring up to Norfolk in the middle of the night most definitely constituted fuss.
‘I’ve told her that we’ll pop down next weekend. Toby and Gillian are having a barbecue this weekend. It’s a fundraiser for some orphanage in Rumania. We’d already RSVP’d and I don’t like to let people down.’
‘Obviously,’ Kate said, in a voice so heavy with sarcasm that she assumed even Liz wouldn’t be able to overlook it. ‘I’m going to stay with Mum next week,’ Kate continued, not adding that she was also running away from the discovery that the man Liz had always thought was an arrogant, smug, second-rate musician, was also a lying, adulterous bastard.
‘Oh right,’ Liz couldn’t quite keep the surprise out of her voice. ‘Mum said that Guy will be there over the weekend, so we needn’t worry too much I suppose, although it’s not like family.’
We; we: Liz and Mr Peter Patently-Successful. Fleetingly Kate wondered if she had always been this cynical and nasty or whether she had turned that way and not noticed. Maybe that’s why Joe had gone off with Chrissie. The words stung. Had he gone off with Chrissie? Is that where he was now? She started to tremble.
Odd how it was possible to behave and talk normally while all around you Rome burns. What had they been talking about? Guy. Oh yes. ‘What do you think of Guy?’
Liz had to have an opinion on the whole Guy-mother thing. But instead of saying anything Liz made a noncommittal noise, so Kate pressed, ‘Have you met him?’
‘Well yes, very briefly, at Christmas,’ said Liz vaguely. ‘He seemed very pleasant.’
‘Pleasant?’
‘Well, you know, he’s fine as lodgers go; we didn’t have much chance to talk. He was off to see his ex-wife I think it was, or maybe it was his mother. I can’t really remember now.’
So Liz didn’t know about Guy and Maggie.
‘You sound very tense. Are you all right? How’s Joe?’ asked Liz.
‘What do you mean?’ Kate snapped, aware of an excess of emotion in her voice.
‘Nothing. I just wondered how things were. Not that I’m prying or anything but it must be a strain being freelance, never knowing how much you’re going to earn each month or whether you’ll have any work at all.’ She made a noise that under other circumstances might have passed for a laugh. ‘I’ve always said to Peter that you’re both very brave, I don’t know how you manage.’
For brave substitute stupid, thought Kate. This conversation was never far from Liz’s lips as if Joe’s and Kate’s continued survival was an affront to Liz’s neatly structured life. Sometimes she could head Liz off before it was too late but today she hadn’t the energy or the inclination.
‘We do worry about you, and I know Mum does too, you looked so tired last time we came up to see you, and Peter thought Joe was very off with everybody.’
Kate kept schtum, not wanting to point out that Liz and Peter’s visit was the reason for everyone being so tense and grumpy. There was a silence as deep as the ocean.
Kate knew that anything she said would be taken down and used in evidence against her later. A previous conversation about Kate’s marriage had hinged on the premise that most of the family thought Joe was an arrogant, overbearing waster who should grow up and get a proper job; although when pressed, Liz had been reluctant to name names.
‘There’s no need to get upset,’ said Liz.
‘Upset, what do you mean, upset? I’m not at all upset,’ Kate growled. Damn, damn, damn, now Liz would think she really was upset.
‘You know, if there’s an
y way that Peter and I can ever help,’ she said, in a viperous undertone, ‘you know you only have to ask.’
Kate took a deep breath to let Liz have a piece of her mind, although which piece she wasn’t altogether certain.
‘Mum, can I have a fiver?’
That wasn’t what Kate planned to say at all, with a mouth full of unspoken words as sharp as broken glass, she swung round. Danny was standing on the bottom of the stairs, grinning. By some terrible trick of genetics, time and protein, he stood more than head and shoulders above her and looked just like a younger version of Joe.
He shifted from foot to foot, moving in a way that implied he was extremely busy, and had very little time to wait for Kate to give him the money. Good God, he’d got all kinds of things to do. Important things. He was nearly fifteen, didn’t she realise? Over the last few months it increasingly seemed as if Danny only spoke to Kate when she was on the phone or quite obviously busy doing something else. It was a tactic. He was hoping Kate would be so absorbed in whatever she was doing that she won’t notice what he was asking for.
‘No chance,’ she snapped in a tone that let Danny know that the situation was not up for discussion. Unfortunately, she didn’t cover the receiver.
‘Well pardon me for asking,’ said Liz, slightly cowed. ‘I was only trying to help.’
‘I’m not talking to you,’ Kate replied almost as sharply. Which didn’t help at all.
‘Why?’ Now Liz sounded upset. ‘What on earth have I done?’
Kate slumped forward against the hallstand. ‘Nothing, nothing at all, Liz. I was talking to Danny. He was asking me for money.’ Which didn’t sound good either.
Jake, who was almost eleven, squeezed past Kate on his way to the kitchen. He’d left his bedroom door open so the hall filled up with the sounds of laser blasts and engine roar from his TV.
‘I’m really worried about you, Kate,’ Liz said, and then as if sensing that it was perhaps not a good place to go, said, ‘Why did you want to know about Guy?’
‘Curiosity,’ Kate growled.
‘He’s been giving Mum a hand with the garden at weekends apparently. Which is nice –’
That isn’t the only thing he’s been giving her a hand with, Kate thought.
‘And he’s given the conservatory a lick of paint,’ Liz continued oblivious. While Kate’s little sister might be as devious as bucket of adders she had never been very quick on the uptake.
‘And what else do you know about Guy?’
Liz was away now. ‘He’s in computers, divorced, staying with Mum until he gets himself on his feet. I’d imagine it’s quite nice for them both. Why?’ There was a pause and then Liz laughed. ‘Oh my God, you’re not interested in Guy, are you? Things with Joe can’t be that bad, surely?’ She was laughing. ‘Peter reckons Guy’s used to having someone to wait on him and you know what Mum’s like, she’s always loved to have someone to cook for and make a fuss of.’
Kate wondered who on earth it was Liz saw when she looked at Maggie. She was just toying with the idea of explaining to Liz that their mum wasn’t just making the boy cocoa, when Liz said, ‘Oh and how’s Chrissie? I keep meaning to ring her. Last time we met at yours she was telling me she’d found this gorgeous new man, he was married, I think, which made it all a bit messy –’ and then Liz said, ‘Mind you, I don’t suppose it can be easy starting again at her age. She is quite nice-looking though, isn’t she? In a common sort of way. I suppose there’s a lot of men who find that sort of thing attractive.’
And at that moment Kate decided not to tell Liz anything at all. Ever again. It would be infinitely more satisfying when Liz found out about Guy for herself.
When she finally hung up Kate went into the kitchen made a mug of tea and dumped the bed linen alongside the swing bin. From the window she could see Joe in the garden, sitting on the wall. She watched him for a few minutes and then went outside.
‘Joe?’ She noticed that he flinched at the sound of her voice. Kate felt tears welling up inside, her anger momentarily displaced by a great wave of grief and sharp, pointed loss. Maybe it would be easier never to speak to Joe again, except of course that there were all those things she wanted to say, all those things that she needed to know, and things that had to be said if they stood any chance at all of putting things right.
Kate swallowed hard; did she really want to put it right? Wasn’t this the chance she’d been waiting for for years, a get out of jail free card with all the fine views that came from having the moral high ground? She had as much leverage and power now as she could ever want. The idea made her shiver; surely she was more honourable than this?
Joe turned and looked up at her.
On Thursday, the night before the supper party, when Kate had gone to bed a couple of hours after Joe? When she crept in beside him, that moment when he had turned towards her half-awake and half-asleep? When he had snuggled up against her, encircling her body with his to share his warmth, who had he been thinking of then?
Kate had been so pleased, so bloody grateful that whatever had been firing his discontent had gone – even if only temporarily. Joe had held her in his arms and slowly, oh-so-slowly, begun nuzzling into her neck with a flurry of soft kisses, rekindling the fire, that long slow familiar dance that they had shared so many times. As it was, Joe had been deeper asleep than Kate had first thought and after a few moments he had slowed and stopped and slipped back to unconsciousness but now that image, that seduction, was frozen on an inner canvas.
Did Joe do the same dance with Chrissie, go through those same compelling steps? Join the same dots? Did he make those soft puppy noises of pleasure; did those little high spots of colour appear on his cheeks when he came? Did he nuzzle her neck, cup her breasts, purr into her hair in just the same way as he did with Kate? The thoughts piled in one on top of the other. Kate blinked hard, her whole body rigid. It was agony to swallow down the tears, each one as hot as molten lava.
‘Hi,’ Joe said.
He looked as if he’d been crying. He looked very pale. She knew that men, or at least Joe, didn’t go hunting for the truth in the same way that women do. Men don’t want to know, women do, and once they do know the truth they torture themselves with the things they find out.
But that wasn’t what Kate said aloud, instead she said, ‘Mum rang me. I’ve told her I’ll go up and give her a hand next week.’
‘So what’s changed?’ Joe said. Kate was certain that couldn’t be what he had meant to say. She looked at him. What little colour Joe had left suddenly drained away and as if the words hadn’t been spoken, he continued hastily, ‘What – all week?’
‘Probably.’ Kate paused, wondering how best to describe Guy and then decided not to bother, she didn’t want to share her thoughts or her secrets with Joe any more. ‘There’s no way Mum can manage on her own.’
‘What, so you want me to have the boys all next week?’
Was it that hard to understand, or was it that he was protesting?
‘Yes.’
Joe sucked his bottom lip thoughtfully. ‘I’m really busy at the moment, Kate.’
He paused and looked up at her; Kate knew that the disappointment and pain had already registered on her face, and it struck her as typical that even now, when she needed him most, Joe couldn’t help her. Even now when, if not logic then most certainly guilt, should have him making all kind of rash promises, he just couldn’t do it.
‘I’ll try and reschedule some of the stuff but it’s not going to be easy. I’ve got things booked. Rehearsals, studio time for the radio jingle –’ He didn’t add that he had already missed this morning’s meeting, even Joe wouldn’t sink that low. ‘I’m pretty booked up one way and another.’
‘I’m not a client, Joe. This is my mum and our kids I’m talking about; besides they’re at school all day –’
‘I know, I know – I’m just saying.’ For an instant Joe sounded almost triumphant. He might be in the wrong, but at the moment Kate needed h
im to do what Joe – at some level – perceived as a favour and somehow that helped to redress the balance of power. And then, all of sudden, Joe leaned forward and smiled. A great big genuine smile. Kate could hardly believe it.
‘Don’t worry, we can sort this out, Kate,’ he said, as if he was talking about the cupboard under the stairs, and then he held out his arm. ‘Come on, it’ll be okay. I’m really sorry, babe. Believe me this whole Chrissie thing was nothing. Just a storm in a teacup. Honest.’
He stood up, nodding his head and stepping closer as if to cuddle her.
Kate felt the hackles on the back of her neck rise. ‘It’s that simple is it, Joe? A few cliches and a promise to look into childcare arrangements and that’s it, is it. Job done? Game over?’
He looked bemused. ‘I don’t know what the hell you’re on about, Kate.’
Had the man got no shame? She backed away, not quite able to believe it.
‘What? What is the matter with you?’ he said, looking genuinely surprised, shocked even, as she took another step away from him. ‘I’ve said I’ll try and sort work and the kids out next week for you. Come on,’ he waved her closer. ‘We’re bigger than this, Kate.’
‘Bigger than this? Bigger than what? Infidelity, lying, cheating?’ For an instant Kate saw Joe in a completely different light. How was it that they had ever stayed together for so long? Were all those years and the man she thought she was married to some clever trick of the light? ‘You’re always telling people you’ll do anything, absolutely anything, for me and the kids. Anything at all as long as it didn’t upset your plans, obviously.’
‘Oh for Christ’s sake, be reasonable.’
‘Reasonable? Reasonable – how dare you?’ Kate took a deep breath, struggling not to choke as a great roaring gust of betrayal blew like a hurricane wind through her memory. She stared at him, trying to fathom out which things between them were still true, which were false, which words of love, which promises, were real now?
