It’s true what they say. You get a great workout while working on your inner self. At the end of class, during the relaxation, the instructor goes on to speak. It hits close to home again and is exactly what I need during this time.
Forgiveness is essential in creating happiness in our lives and living more positively. When we let go of what no longer serves us like anger, judgment, shame and resentment, we open ourselves to so many possibilities. Practice forgiveness daily.
The next couple of weeks have flown by. I have had some good days, and some bad ones. I have continued to go to yoga in the evenings and learn more about myself through those classes. I’ve been focusing on work and getting my life on track. You’d think at 25 my life would be on track.
It’s Friday, and Steph insists I go out with her for some drinks before going home. She promises we’ll go somewhere low key and just hang out. I finally agree, and we head out to a bar near the office.
We’re sitting in comfortable silence, having our drinks and people watching. This does beat going home and wallowing in my thoughts.
“Have you thought about talking to Grayson?” Steph asks.
“I don’t want to talk about it, Steph. Please, drop it.” I plead.
“I’m not going to push you, but I do think you should know that he misses you. Kyle and him have been hanging out, and Kyle says he looks like shit.”
“I can’t call him, Steph. I pushed him away; he’s not going to want to hear from me. I’m not even sure I can give him the kind of relationship he wants.”
“Cut the bullshit. You’re more than capable of loving him. Relationships aren’t easy, but when it’s the right person, they’re worth fighting for.”
“Yeah.” I nod, acknowledging what she said. “I’ll be right back. Gotta go to the bathroom.” I need to catch my breath and think about what she’s said. It is the same thing my dad told me. Grayson misses me? I imagine he’s struggling, but I don’t know if he’d actually want to give us a try after pushing him away how I have. How could he trust me again?
I walk back towards our table and suddenly hear, “I thought you disappeared. I’ve been trying to get a hold of you and get you naked again.” Fuck! Chase.
“What do you want, Chase?” I ask annoyed.
“You know what I want. Let’s get out of here, and I’ll show you.” He is so cocky. He looks me up and down.
“Chase, I already told you no. I’m done with this. Let me go.”
“Mia, come on. You know you’ll never be done with me. We both know we deserve each other. We’re great at fucking. That’s what we do. The other night was pretty great.”
“No!” I scowl at him, angry. “Fucking is what you do. Remember? Having no mercy for my emotions or respect for me. You’re right. At one point I would’ve agreed with you. At one point I would’ve done anything and everything for you, until you cheated on me with her, so go fuck yourself, or better yet, call her and fuck her. She was my best friend. We don’t deserve each other. I deserve better, so much better. And by the way, the other night was so not great.”
He snorts, “Like who? That cowboy you’ve been fucking.”
“Fuck you, Chase.” Although Grayson left me, I would never divulge that information to Chase.
“Gladly.”
I roll my eyes. “You will never change. Leave him out of this! This is nothing to do with him; it has to do with you and me and how we. are. over.” I emphasize each word in case it hasn’t been clear in the recent texts. “We’ve been over for a long time. I don’t understand why you have to come to Portland and invade my space, my life.
“I haven’t had feelings for you in a long time. Before meeting Grayson, before you came to Portland. I was holding on to you for convenience because you were what I knew, and it was easy. I don’t want easy. I don’t want your bullshit. You fucked up when you cheated, and honestly, cheater or not, you never would have changed, you never will. You would have fucked up one way or another. You’re selfish. I couldn’t forgive you so I was angry for so many years. I was angry with you and myself for thinking I was not good enough for you. Thinking I was not enough for you. In retrospect, Chase, you are not enough for me. You never fulfilled me the way I wanted. I did not just want sex; I wanted to be more to you. I wanted you to trust me, to love me. Truth be told though, I don’t think I loved you either. I think I was addicted, my drug, my poison, slowly killing me.
“You’re not the one for me, and that’s something I learned after many years of being angry. I realized that when I looked into my future, you were not a part of it. You were here in my past and in my present, but not in my future. When I finally accepted that, I realized I had let go of my hold on you, and in turn let go the hold you had on me. I felt free. I could breathe clearly. I don’t need your drug. Somehow I forgave you, and myself.
“I’ve risen above the bullshit and bloomed beautifully, finding my peace, just like a lotus rising from murky water and opening its petals. I’ve learned to rise above the mud in my life, growing strong, free of hatred and resentment, full of new love, especially for myself. So you see, I am done. You are not my future, and I don’t know if Grayson is or not, quite honestly that thought scares the hell out of me, but I know that I am free to discover that without holding onto the ‘what if’ about us because I know deep down, there is no us.” I let go a long sigh of relief. Wow, I have been holding that in. I feel like I’m rambling, but it needed to come out. Once I started, I couldn’t stop. Those yoga relaxations are really getting to me.
I realized these feelings a long time ago, but I never spoke them, nor have they ever felt so true. It’s like suddenly it all clicked as I was speaking these words, undoing the ties restraining me and freeing me. Whether Grayson has something to do with these feelings or not, I don’t know, but I am happy I have them.
Chase just stares at me, dumbstruck. Well, I think that left something for him to think about. I turn around and walk away with my head held high.
I finally feel whole. True to myself, like I have discovered whom I really am without barriers to hide myself from others and myself. I am my own person, with my own choices. If I continued down this road, I’d end up worse than my mom, completely alone and never knowing what love is. She at least had a few years with a whole family. I have a chance to follow my heart. To make things right, and break from the path that has been paved for me by my overbearing mind.
The answer to forgiveness was in front of me all along. When your heart opens and you allow it the opportunity to feel love you’ve denied yourself for so long, all the challenges that were within you disappear. You’ve accepted your emotions. That’s what Grayson taught me. I was just too stupid to see it.
I head back to Steph, smiling. “You look happy.” She eyes me suspiciously probably wondering what happened between the bathroom and my walk back here.
“I am. Just ran into Chase and I let him have it. I’m done letting him manipulate me even when he’s not near me. My dad was right the other day, Grayson is worth fighting for. I know, you’ve told me the same thing. I just have to do one more thing. You mind if we go?”
“Sure,” she replies with a skeptical look.
I get home exhausted but feeling triumphant. I grab my phone and dial a number I thought I’d never dial again.
“Hello?” a sleepy voice answers.
“Mom, it’s Mia.” Well no shit it’s Mia, I don’t think I have any other siblings anywhere in the world calling her mom.
“Mia,” she says confused and fully awake now. “What do you want? Are you okay?” She almost seems worried.
“Yes, I am. Sorry to call so late. I assume you’re still in New York and it must be really late, or early. Whatever. I just want to tell you that I spoke to dad last week, and he told me about your parents. I’m sorry. I guess I get it. It makes sense in a way,” I’m babbling. Just get to the point!
“I just want to thank you. I’ve been able to learn from your mistakes and become the person I am. It’s been
a rough road, God knows, but I’ve succeeded in a world full of demons. I’ve learned to love the person I am and open myself up to others. I’ve been so focused on what I don’t want to be that I lost track of who I was becoming, but understanding your past made me realize that you had your reasons, too, I guess. I have spent so much time hating you, that I never questioned why you did the things you did. You couldn’t break the pattern, but I am. So thank you.”
I think I hear sniffling on the other line, I’m not sure, but it’s quiet for a few minutes. “Mia, I am so sorry I never told you. I am sorry for leaving you and being selfish. I don’t expect you to forgive me, ever, but I want you to know that I do love you. A mother always loves her child, no matter what. I am grateful for your call. Your dad’s done a great job raising you. And know that I regret the way I put you second. It was what I knew.”
“I know, mom. Thanks. One day I’ll be able to forgive you completely. Today, I am compassionate.”
We hang up, and I feel like a hell of a load has been lifted off me. I go to sleep, peaceful and happy. I’m ready to take on whatever comes my way.
Chapter 13
My phone shrills on my nightstand. It’s late. Who would be calling so late? I’ve been asleep for a few hours but feels like I’ve only slept five minutes. I look at the number and frown. It is Grayson. Now I’m fully awake and panicking. Why is he calling?
“Grayson, what happened? It’s three in the morning!”
“Mia,” he whispers, his voice cracking. My eyes shoot open.
“Are you okay? What’s wrong?” He starts to sob. I’d feel like an ass if he were crying because of what happened between us.
Before I could apologize and try to explain, he speaks, “It’s Logan. He was in an accident tonight. They just called me. He didn’t-“ his voice cracks again, and my heart breaks. It breaks for this man I care so much about and can’t comfort. “He didn’t make it, Mia.”
“I’m on my way!” I rush out of my house and go straight to Grayson’s. I don’t even bother changing, that’ll just waste time.
I remember when I met Logan. He had come to visit Grayson for a weekend, and we all hung out together. Grayson was so excited to see Logan after so many months and that he finally got to check out Portland. I think he was still hopeful that Logan would like it and decide to move out here. He still lived in South Carolina in their dad’s ranch from what Grayson told me.
Grayson took the day off from work to spend with his brother, and I met them after work for drinks. I had insisted he spend time alone with him, but Grayson was adamant about me meeting Logan. When I walked in it was impossible to miss them. Those two stood out in the Portland scene, tall, tan, and intense aqua tone eyes with cowboy boots and all. Logan was a spitting image of Grayson. He was slimmer than Grayson, lighter hair but same blue-green eyes and structure. It must be a family trait. He was really sweet, more of an optimist than Grayson and more rebellious, too.
He wasted no time with the girls, flirting and dancing with all of them. Grayson seemed so happy to have him here. I got to see a different side of him, maybe his true self. They shared stories about their childhood, caught up on recent news, and teased each other.
I remember him bothering Grayson that he had gone soft since he started dating me and I froze. Grayson corrected him, and Logan just brushed him off with little importance. Maybe he saw the truth behind our feelings. Then he laughed it off saying he didn’t blame him after meeting me. He was definitely trouble, but the good kind. He had a big heart just like Grayson.
The love between them was visible and refreshing to see. It was good to see Grayson have someone so important in his life. I can just imagine how heart broken he must be right now. I have no idea what I’ll find when I get to Grayson’s, but I can just imagine the state he’s in by his phone call.
The door is unlocked when I get to Grayson’s house and walk in. He is crouched in a corner, his hands on his face, body shaking uncontrollably, crying. My heart breaks even more. He is usually so put together, so strong. I sit down next to him and put my arm around his shoulder, leaning him into me. “I’m so sorry,” is all I could get out. I am sorry for so many things, for hurting him, for letting him walk away, for ruining our friendship, and for his brother’s death. I know the latter is not my responsibility, but he has been through enough pain because of me and this isn’t fair. After all he’s been through with his family, it isn’t fair that he has to lose the only one he has.
We sit for a long time, him crying and me soothing him. I hug him to me and just let him release all the emotions he is holding onto. Who knows what thoughts are going through his mind.
He finally stops crying, his head on my lap, and my hand brushing his tousled hair. His eyes are closed, and his breathing begins to calm down.
“I’m leaving tomorrow to prepare a service and burry him.” He says quietly, defeated.
“Okay.”
“Come with me.”
“Grayson…” I say cautiously.
“I know we aren’t together, and we haven’t spoken in weeks. I’m not asking you to date me. I’m asking you to come with me for support, as a friend. We were friends before, and you more than anyone knows what it will be like to go back there and see my family. I need you. He was all I had.”
I hold his hand softly. “You’re not alone, Grayson.”
“It’s not fair.” He sighs, sniffs, and starts crying again.
“I know it’s not. Just tell me what time to be ready, and I’ll be there.”
Seeing him so broken is breaking my heart. The pain I felt when he walked out of my house is dwarfed in comparison to seeing this man whom I care about more than anyone shattered to pieces. He had told me once a long time ago that he was broken, too, but I know this will take it to a whole new level. His brother was his life. He had raised him when their mother decided she didn’t want to do the parenting thing anymore and was busy dating and marrying every man who crossed her path. He was right when he said we were two peas in a pod, and now what he had left is gone.
He finally cries himself to sleep, and I cradle him in my lap, watching this beautiful man find some kind of solace in his sleep. His tense jaw relaxes, his shoulders slump, and his hands hold on to my arms.
“Grayson, I hope you know I care about you, a lot. I’m just too scared to be with you. You deserve better. You deserve someone who won’t run in the opposite direction when things get hard. I told you I was broken. Please know that I am trying.” I speak to him in his sleep. I want him to know I do care. I want what is best for him, and I don’t want to be the reason that he is hurting, again. I know he can’t hear me, and I am being a coward by telling him in his sleep, but I am mustering up the courage to tell him face to face. I want to be with him, completely. I want to make him happy and fix him the way he fixed me.
We stay like that all night, him sleeping, and me watching him sleep. Right before dawn, my eyes finally give in, and I drift off to sleep dreaming of a different world where I am whole and Grayson and I are happy together.
I wake up a few hours later with sad green eyes staring at me. It still amazes me how his eyes change, making it easy to read into his emotions. I know him enough to know that green eyes mean sadness.
“Hey. How do you feel?” I ask knowing the answer to that.
“I’ve been better,” he replies, clipped.
“It’ll be okay, Grayson. I’m here for you. Everything’s going to be okay. I know what your brother means to you, but I want you to know you aren’t alone.”
“Thanks, Mia. I’m going to go shower.” And just like that he stands up without another word, shutting me out, and into the shower. I guess I’m not the only one who runs when things get rough.
I sit, unsure of what to do or not do, while Grayson showers. I consider leaving because it feels like he doesn’t want me here, but I want to be here to support him, to help him pick up the pieces like he did to me.
He comes out of the showe
r wearing nothing but sweat pants, and I can’t help but eye him up and down momentarily. It’s been a while since I’ve seen him, and I can’t just turn off my hormones switch.
“Will you be able to get days off from work? I don’t want to interrupt your routine. You don’t have to come with me if you can’t… or don’t want to. I’m not sure why I even asked you.” He confesses. His eyes are rimmed with red and swollen. I’m sure he’s been crying even more in the shower.
I stand up and give him a small smile, which is supposed to comfort him but truth is it doesn’t. “Too late. You’re stuck with me,” and I mean that in more ways than one. I just need to build the courage to tell him and now isn’t the time. “I was about to call Toni and tell her I needed a few days off.”
“Mia…” He pushes his hands through his hair, looking anywhere but at me. He hesitates.
Before he can continue to shut me out, I say, “I already told you. I’m here for you. You aren’t alone. Ever. You promised me you wouldn’t let me break, and you kept that promise. You put me back together. Yeah, I’ve still got some dents and cracks, but you helped me put the pieces back where they belong. I’m here to do the same for you, Grayson. Like it or not.” I say, surprising myself at my honesty and courage.
He walks up to me quietly, puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me in for a hug. “Thanks, Sweet Pea.” My heart clenches around his nickname. I’ve never been so happy to hear him say it because it gives me hope. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you.” I wrap my arms around his waist and lean into him, giving him the most comforting hug I can, and his other arm envelops me in a tighter hug. I hear him sniffle a little and wrap my arms tighter around him.
He pulls away, wiping his face with the backs of his hands, and says, “I’ll pack, and we’ll stop at your place so you can pack a bag. Are you sure, though?” I nod confidently. I’ve never been so sure of anything else in my life.
As he packs, I pick up my phone and call Toni. I explain the situation without giving too much information about Grayson and my relationship and tell her I’ll be working on my laptop and sending her samples as I go writing them. She seems surprisingly understanding and tells me to take my time. She’ll be waiting for my articles and sending more as need be. I can’t explain how grateful I am.
Perfectly Imperfect (Perfectly #1) Page 13
