Annabelle and I had shown up separately to the emergency room, much to my parents’ confusion, but we had both stayed long into the early hours of the morning. Annabelle had been fantastic and had studiously ignored me the entire time—probably because I acted like a bear with a thorn in its paw. Exactly how I was acting right now.
“Thank you, I’ll answer it. When you guys are set with your to-do lists for the day, you can head home. I’m in a shitty mood, and I don’t want to take it out on you.”
“We’re not in the best moods either,” Seressia said. “Internet outages do that to a person. We’ll be here for the duration.”
I met Seressia’s gaze, and she just lifted her chin. I gave her a tight nod. “Understood.”
She left, and I let out another deep breath as I answered the phone. “Dad? What’s wrong?
“We just got back from your mother’s appointment. We have a better picture of what we’re dealing with. Can you come over later so we can talk about it?”
Ice filled my belly, and I swallowed hard. “Is there something I should know right now?”
“Your mother wants to see you. But we’re okay. As okay as we can be.” She paused. “Your mother’s still here, son. Remember that. She’s still here. And so am I. This isn’t easy, but it is our life, and this is what we do.”
Tears pricked the backs of my eyes, but I ignored them. “Okay. I’ll be there soon.”
“I thought you were working,” my dad said.
“Well, I’m the boss, and I’m coming home.”
Home. To the house that wasn’t mine but was filled with my family. My home.
I thought about the other home I had, the one next to Annabelle. Our situation, or whatever the hell we had, was getting too complicated.
“Okay, she’ll be glad to see you.”
“I love you, Dad,” I said quickly.
“I love you, too. And I’ll see you soon.”
He hung up, and I swallowed hard before looking down at everything at my desk. “Seressia, I’m heading to my parents’.”
“Is everything okay?” she asked, Dustin on her heels.
I met their gazes, not knowing what to feel or say. They didn’t know my family all that well, mostly because they hadn’t lived here long enough to be able to get to know them. And it wasn’t like I paraded my personal life in front of them all that often. Though between my ex-wife and us moving here for my parents, it seemed like I did more often than not these days.
“Everyone’s okay. I just need to get over there to talk about a few things. Thank you for taking up the mantle today. We’ll get back to it tomorrow if that’s okay. I’m going to take a few things home, but I think we all need some space and time away from this place.” They kept staring at me, and I gritted my teeth. “Seriously. I’m okay.”
“You’re not, but you’re going to work through it,” Seressia said.
I snorted, a smile twitching on my face despite myself. “Well, thanks for that. And, seriously, thank you. All of you. I appreciate what you guys do, even if I’m in a shit-poor mood today.”
“Well, you are our boss,” Dustin said, coming up beside Seressia. “You’re allowed to get all growly. We hide our moods better.”
That made me laugh, and I shook my head. “Seriously, I’m heading out. But I’ll have my cell on me.”
“Tell your parents we’re thinking of them.”
I nodded at Seressia’s words and then gathered my things.
I made my way to my parents’ house, trying not to think. Trying to breathe. It was hard not worrying when everything seemed to be moving so quickly. I had moved to Fort Collins to help my dad, and that was what I was doing. Only some part of me hadn’t let myself think of the exact reason I’d moved here.
“I can’t lose her,” I whispered, my voice cracking. My hands squeezed the steering wheel, and I let out a breath, grateful when I pulled into the driveway. I wasn’t sure I should have been driving right then. I put my head back on the headrest and did something I hadn’t done in far too long.
“Jonah, I miss you so damn much. I don’t know what to do right now. You were my baby brother, and I always thought you’d be here, even when we knew life didn’t always work out that way. But I can’t lose Mom, Jonah. I’m not ready to say goodbye. And I know we have time, but every day seems to come faster and faster, and I don’t know what to do.”
My brother didn’t answer. He hadn’t before, and I knew he wouldn’t. But just saying his name aloud, saying the words to him, seemed to help. Or maybe I was kidding myself. I needed someone to talk to. Needed to do something. And because Annabelle’s face came to mind, I pushed that thought away.
No, talking to her about this would be too serious. It’d be too much. This wasn’t what we were, wasn’t what we wanted. I couldn’t rely on her. Because if I did, then I’d love her, and I refused to love anyone else. Not after everything with Susan. Not after everything I was already dealing with.
There was a knock on my window, and I jumped before I looked up and saw my dad standing there, worry on his face.
“Hey, Dad,” I said as I got out of the car.
“Hey. Do you want to talk about it?”
I clenched my jaw and shook my head, but I hugged my dad tight, leaning into him just a little bit. When he wrapped his arms around me and leaned against me even harder, I knew he was just as scared as I was. Jesus, I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to be the pillar of this family—the strong one.
And I wasn’t doing that. Things needed to change.
“Okay, I’m here,” I said, my voice firm. “Tell me how you need me.”
My dad met my gaze but didn’t say anything. Instead, we walked into the house, and I did what I was supposed to do, I became the son I should have been before. The one they needed.
The only son they had left.
* * *
By the time I left, I was a wreck, but things were okay. The doctor hadn’t said anything different, other than that things might be more challenging for a little while longer. But my mother had laughed and smiled through it all, and I knew I would remember that laugh every time I got worried.
I pulled into my garage and did my best not to look over at Annabelle’s house. I didn’t want to know if she was there or not. Didn’t want to talk to her.
I was so tired.
I walked into my house, set my things aside on the table, and went for a beer. I had work to do, thousands of emails and phone calls to deal with, but I just needed a moment. After, I would deal with all of it because that’s what I did. I dealt with things. Meaning I needed to push aside things that were in the way and deal with what was necessary.
My doorbell rang, and I frowned, hoping to hell it was someone selling me something, because I didn’t want to face anything or anyone else at the moment. I looked through the peephole, set my beer down, and held back a growl. When I opened the door, my ex-wife stood there, a small smile on her face, and flowers in her hands.
“Hi. One of Bob’s friends said they saw you at the hospital while they were there getting stitches. I was worried about you.”
That seemed like a very far-fetched story, but Susan knew many people and seemed to get information out of anyone. That’s what made her good at her job.
“What is it you want?” I asked, my voice icy.
Her eyes widened. “I wanted to make sure you were okay. And I got these for your mother. I’m just so sorry that everything seems to be going downhill.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Excuse me?” What exactly had she meant by that?
“Well, that’s why you were at the hospital, isn’t it?” Her eyes widened. “Oh, no. Was it you? Are you sick? Here, go inside. Sit down. Let me tend to you.”
I blocked her from pushing inside. “What is this? What the hell are you doing here, Susan?”
“I miss you, Jacob. I’m just so sorry that everything happened the way it did, but I’m here now. I’m here to help. This must be
so much for you, but I’m here.”
I just looked at her, and then I laughed. Nothing was funny about this, but I couldn’t help it, I laughed harder. “No, you don’t get to do this. Just be with Bob, be happy. But this right now?” I said, gesturing between us. “It’s never happening. I’m doing fine,” I lied. “You need to go. You need to lose this address, ignore whatever reporter instincts you think you have. I’m done. Go now, Susan. Be well.” She looked at me, her eyes comically wide, and then I slammed the door in her face.
Jesus Christ, I was done. Done with it all. I didn’t want to deal with my ex-wife now or ever.
I chugged the rest of my beer, recycled the bottle, and thought about getting another one, then remembered the piles of work I had waiting.
When my doorbell rang again, the tension in my shoulders knotted, and I ground my teeth. I didn’t bother looking through the peephole again, just yanked open the door and shouted, “What the fuck do you want?”
Annabelle’s eyes widened, and she took a staggering step back, nearly dropping the brownies in her hands.
I cursed and reached for her and the brownies at the same time to keep her from falling. “Shit, Jesus Christ. I’m sorry, Annabelle. I thought you were someone else.”
“Clearly. At least I hope so. I’m sorry. I was stress baking over work and everything, and I made a double batch of brownies. These are for you.” She handed over the square tray and grimaced. “I’m not the best baker, but they’re pretty chocolatey, and there’s a ribbon of caramel in them, too. They’re for you. I was trying a new recipe and thought you could use something.”
She nearly turned, and I cursed again. “No, come in. Yeah, I think we need to talk.”
Her shoulders stiffened, and she blinked at me before she gave me a small nod and walked inside. That probably wasn’t the best way to start whatever it was I needed to say but yelling at her on my porch was likely worse.
“I would ask if you’re having a good day, but I guess you already answered that for me,” Annabelle said, rolling her shoulders back.
“Yeah, it’s been a shitty day. My ex-wife just showed up right before you got here, and I thought you were her again. She won’t leave me the fuck alone, and I have no idea what she wants. But I’m done with today.”
“I can see that.”
“I’m done with a lot of things, Annabelle.”
She didn’t do anything, didn’t react at all, just stared at me.
I was already mucking this up. I might as well continue. “What we’ve had recently has been great, but it’s been a little too much for me. We didn’t want anything serious, yet every time I turn around, things are getting a little too tangled. I have too much on my plate to worry about anything else, so this needs to be it. We’re moving too fast, and I’m done.”
“You’re done,” Annabelle said, her voice steady, her face not showing any emotion. I had no idea what she was thinking, and I knew I wasn’t doing this right. I didn’t need to be a jerk, but apparently, I couldn’t help it.
“I’m sorry, I know I should have done it softer or whatever, but we’re friends, right? We can tell each other the truth.”
“The truth,” she repeated, her voice still devoid of emotion.
I looked at her and nodded, worry creeping up on me. Why wasn’t she saying anything? “Yes, the truth. I have enough in my life to deal with right now. I don’t need to complicate things further. I don’t need anything getting in the way of my family and work. So, while what you and I had is nice, it can’t happen again. I’m sure I’ll see you around the neighborhood, and with my parents. But other than that, I think we need time apart.”
I was saying all the right things. This was exactly what we both needed. I didn’t want to end up hurting Annabelle in the end anyway. Because what if she fell for me? I couldn’t be with Jonah’s wife. That would be wrong. I was already doing a hundred things wrong. I didn’t need to add to the pile. This was good. This was the best thing for both of us.
Annabelle just looked at me before she gave a small nod. The only indication she felt anything was a slight quiver of her lips before she thinned them.
I was an idiot.
“Okay. You said your piece, and I guess it makes sense. I suppose I’ll see you around.” Again, nothing in her voice. Not a single hint of emotion. “I wish you well, Jacob Queen. At least you don’t hate me anymore.” And then she moved past me, not bothering to touch me as she did. All I could do was stand there like a moron, like someone who had just made the biggest mistake of his life.
I wouldn’t take it back. I couldn’t. Because I was barely handling everything as it was. I couldn’t handle any more.
Chapter 19
Annabelle
* * *
“Do you know where we put the file?” I asked as Paige walked in, a frown on her face.
“It’s on your desk. And it’s also electronic, so it’s in your inbox, all labeled correctly and tagged. You’re just as anal-retentive as I am when it comes to files. What’s wrong?” my sister asked as she sat across from me.
“I guess I haven’t had enough coffee,” I lied. I’d had four cups already and was a little jittery. But I wasn’t sure what else to say. Nobody needed to know that I had fallen in love with the one person I shouldn’t—the man who had once again broken me beyond measure.
I’d thought that it’d hurt when he hated me and when he had tried to push me out of his family’s lives. But no, I had been wrong. This hurt far more than anything he could have said when he despised me. He’d pushed me away because it was too much. I was that breaking point. I wasn’t enough for him.
It wasn’t fair. And yet it was the only thing that could be fair, right?
“It’s not coffee. What’s wrong?” Paige paused. “Is it Jacob?” she asked, her voice soft. My gaze shot to hers, and she frowned. “I didn’t want to be right. Oh, no. I’m so sorry. What happened?” She paused again. “Wait, am I going to get angry? Should I go get the ball-cutting shears?”
“There are ball-cutting shears?” Eliza asked from the doorway, her eyes wide.
I groaned. “Why do we talk about castration so often in this office?” I asked, and then promptly burst into tears.
Eliza closed the door behind her, mumbled something to one of my brothers or Clay as they tried to get in, and locked the door. I found myself leaning on Paige as she came around my desk and held me close. And then Eliza was there, holding me on the other side.
“We’re not going to castrate him,” Paige said. “We may hurt him. But tell us what happened. I thought you guys were happy? That everything was working out?”
Eliza ran her hand over my hair and dropped to her knees in front of me so she could face me better. “What did he do?” Eliza asked.
“I feel so stupid for crying. I shouldn’t cry.” I sniffed, and then Paige handed me a box of tissues. I wiped my face and blew my nose, annoyed with myself. Eliza gave me my reusable bottle of water, and I nodded my thanks before gulping some down.
“That should help water down some of the coffee I know you have burning through your system,” my best friend said.
I looked up at Eliza. “How did you know I’m jittery from coffee?”
“Because you’re in pain and you want to do all the work you possibly can so you don’t have to think about that pain. And when that happens, you use caffeine so you have all the energy to do what you’re doing. And because I know you’re not sleeping.”
“And that’s why you lied to me about needing coffee,” Paige scowled. “I knew you were lying.”
“Well, I’m not very good at it. Not even to myself.” I sniffed again and wiped my eyes. “Or maybe I’m wrong. Jacob didn’t seem to realize that I’m so in love with him, I feel like I’m dying inside. No, he pushed me away because I’m the straw that broke the camel’s back. Or whatever other metaphor out there means being too much and yet not enough.” I burst into tears again, annoyed with myself, but pushed away Paige and Eli
za so I could wipe my face. “Sorry. I’ll get it out of my system.”
“You don’t have to,” Eliza whispered. “You can cry, you can scream, you can do anything you need to. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I wish there were something I could do.” She glanced over at Paige. “That does not include castration.”
My sister winced. “I would never actually do it. It started as a joke, and now it’s snowballed into this horrible thing. I wish there were a way we could help. Do we need to go over there and kick him in the shins?”
“I don’t think that will help,” I said and hiccuped before I blew my nose again.
“Did you leave anything at his house that we need to go get?” Eliza asked, her voice steady. That was Eliza, always so steady, even in the face of fear and anger and everything that went on with being a military wife. She was my constant friend. “We’ll get it for you so you don’t have to see him.”
“I didn’t. We’re literally neighbors. We never had to worry about leaving a toothbrush at each other’s house. We just did the walk of shame through our front yards.”
“There was never anything shameful about what you did,” Eliza said. “If he’s making you think it was shameful, then that’s on him.” She paused again. “You love him?”
“I do,” I said, annoyed with myself. “I didn’t mean to. That’s not what I wanted. We both told each other and ourselves that we only wanted to have fun, become friends, have sex, and not let it go any deeper. That we wanted nothing but great sex and conversation. And that’s what we had. And then I was stupid and fell in love with him.”
“There’s nothing stupid about that,” Eliza said.
“Seriously. You’re allowed to love somebody. It’s what we all want.”
I met my baby sister’s gaze and then shook my head. “It’s not what I wanted. I didn’t want that, and yet look at me. I’m sitting here, a weeping mess at work, and the brothers are probably ready to break down the door to get inside.”
Inked Persuasion: A Montgomery Ink: Fort Collins Novel Page 17
