by Mj Fields
I look down at my phone. Seventeen missed calls from Dad, Blue, and Phoenix, and just as many mixed text messages.
I look at Phoenix’s first.
-Where the hell are you? Your dad is flipping out. With Blue?
And the other that followed:
-Not with Blue. I’m worried now. Message me!
I reply with:
-I just needed to clear my head. I’m fine. See you tonight.
I toss the phone on the seat next to me then pull out onto the road and head toward home. I need to change.
When I pull in, I see my dad’s truck is still in the driveway when I know he should be at the bar. Knowing he’s still here because of me makes me want to throw the truck in reverse and head out to find a new place to hide since Blue now knows about my place. There isn’t much chance of hiding there anymore. Instead, I get out and decide to face him.
I get to the door and reach for the handle when it opens.
He looks at me, eyes shifting from one of mine to the next, waiting for me to say something.
I should apologize, tell him I’m sorry, but I hold back the words that come naturally. The ones I would tell him, to take the expected trail laid before me, Mandee, daughter of the dead woman and the man who isn’t even living. Instead, I say nothing.
He reaches out, and I step back.
“Mandee, dammit.” His voice sounds hoarse, making me nervous as he reaches out and grabs me, pulling me into a very unexpected hug. “Don’t do that again. Don’t take off and make me worry again. I cannot lose you. I can’t. I won’t.”
“You are,” I cry, cursing the damn tears, and he hugs me tighter. “You’re pushing me away, Dad. You and I are existing. Have been almost as far back as my memories take me.” I can’t stop. I want to shut the hell up, but I can’t stop. “What happens when, in a few years, I can’t even picture the good times anymore? What happens when my memories are in pictures, and my mind is so cloudy they are barely visible? What happens then? I lose happy. I lose her! And here you and I are, just existing!”
His grip on me tightens as he pulls me in closer, hugging me, just simply hugging me. “Been trying, Mandee. Every time I’ve let go a little, things happen to you. College, those boys—”
“I put myself in that position.” I cry louder as he moves us into the house, closing the door behind him.
“You had no damn choice, no voice, no—”
I push away and turn my back to him, not wanting to see his face when I tell him what happened that no one, except Phoenix, knows of that night.
“I got drunk by choice. I went to a party by choice. I—”
“You were more than likely drugged,” he interrupts.
“We don’t know that!” I snap. “We don’t! I chose to be in that situation. They were drunk, too. Just stop, okay? I am no one’s victim! I chose to live, and love, and not be the daughter of a sick and dying woman anymore!”
“And look where the hell that landed you? All over that stupid internet, being handled like a little...” He stops when I turn around to look him in the eyes.
“Whore?”
“I never said that,” he snaps.
“Everyone else did.”
“No one here. No one in town who knows you and knows what you’ve lived, and—”
“I exist here!” I cry out. “You exist here! We do not live!”
His eyes widen, and he swallows hard before speaking. “First, you never say that you chose that, not ever. Next, I am doing the best I can, Mandee. You didn’t come with a manual, and she”—his voice breaks, and with it, my heart—“my wife, your mother, is gone. She is never coming back, and I may hold onto you tighter because I am terrified I’ll lose you, too. When I let go, you nearly got raped. And I will not dishonor your mother and her love for you, for us, by simply moving on. I am her husband. I am your father, always.”
“She’s gone,” I say, watching him tear himself apart before me. “She’s gone, Dad. We didn’t choose when she left. Neither did she. But she died, and honoring her would be to live.”
He turns his back to me, hiding the feelings he has repressed for years. I don’t want to see him fall apart anymore, but we can’t live like this forever.
I walk up and hug him from behind. I feel his body tremble slightly, and then I feel something wet against my arm. A tear, and this time, it’s not mine.
“I love you, Dad, but we need to live.”
“I tried. I cleaned out her closet, I donated her things, the ones I didn’t think you’d want, I got a damn haircut, and I went on a goddamned date that night, Mandee. That night...” His voice cracks again. “And look what happened to you!”
I am shocked. So shocked. But not by his admission. I’m shocked by the fact he seems to feel like he was punished for his attempt to move on.
I squeeze my daddy a little tighter and whisper through my tears, “It was not your fault, Dad. It wasn’t your fault.”
I feel more tears against my skin as his body shakes.
“She loved us. She would never want us to be just existing.”
We stand there until the tension between us seems to pass, the tears stop falling, and neither is angry anymore.
“I’m proud of you, Mandee, for that fight to stay in school and finish. Your mother would have done the same. I know you’re growing up, and I’m trying the best I can to let it happen.” He turns around and looks down at me. “I’m trying. Swear I am. You got that little cat and Blue...Things are heading in the right direction.”
I force a smile, one for him.
He seems to sense that it isn’t authentic. “You like him?”
“I do like him, yes,” I answer, looking down.
I hear him chuckle before he says, “He’s a good kid.”
I nod.
“Now tell me where you ran off to.”
“Same place I have since I was old enough to drive.”
He cocks his head to the side, looking at me with questioning eyes.
“When I was overwhelmed and needed to cry, to scream, to leave it all behind, I went to the woods, to the lake, and did all those things.”
“When?” He seems shocked.
“Probably when you were too busy to notice.”
“I’m sorry, Mandee. I am so—”
“No. Don’t be sorry for anything in the past, Dad. But please decide to look forward to what could be in the future.”
“Your mom’s words in that book of yours?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
“Smartest woman I have ever known.”
The next hour, it was as if Dad rewound the clock. I used the bathroom, and he made coffee. When I came out, he handed me a cup. We drank our coffee while sitting at the table. He told me Pearl and a woman who used to work for him and my mom were taking care of the bar. He thought that a couple people needed to be added to the very small staff for the Falcon wedding, and that maybe he could keep them on so he and I could try this living thing out a little more. I couldn’t have agreed more, so I didn’t.
§
When I get to work, Gray’s sexy ride is still parked out back. I’m excited that he will be here tonight to get it.
Looking through the wedding binder, I am happy that the first wedding is going to be perfect.
“You like all this stuff?” Dad asks, looking over my shoulder at the book.
“I do.” I laugh a little at my choice of words.
“You’re a lot like your mom, Mandee,” he says with an almost sad smile. “She loved all that stuff, too.”
I smile as he gives my hand a squeeze, showing affection, right before he quickly heads to his office. I know it’s hard for him, but maybe, just maybe, Mom made this happen, too.
“Love you, Mom,” I whisper out loud.
I am wiping down the bar as Pearl comes out from the back.
She gives me a quick hug and nods toward Dad’s office. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
As
I clean up and get the coolers stocked, I think of Grayson and all that I know will be amazing with him.
When I walk back into the office to grab some bottles, Dad is sitting in his desk chair, looking down and reading the paper.
I like this time of day when it’s slow and he seems a little relaxed. Today he seems even more so. I’m not happy about our fight, but if him shedding a few tears brings on a change, I will know it was worth it.
He holds up the paper. “Been thinking about going away for a few days after this wedding. Joe and Lance have been asking me to for a couple years. They come fish at my lake, so I think I should go fish theirs.” He stands up and sets the paper down. Then he grabs a couple bottles off the shelf and hands them to me before grabbing more. “You think you, Pearl, and Stella could handle—”
“Yes,” I interrupt and smile. “Yes. Go have fun, Dad.”
“Live?” he asks as we walk out to put the bottles where they belong.
“Yes, please, Dad, live.”
A little while later, I am sitting at the empty bar, with Dad beside me, reading another paper, while I look over the timeline for the reception.
First dance, dinner, garter toss, bouquet toss, cake, and then we dance.
The bar door opens up.
“Where the hell were you?” Phoenix asks as soon as she walks in the door.
Dad chuckles, and she stops dead in her tracks, looking at him pretty much the way I expect—shocked.
I look back at Dad, who notices her look and rolls his eyes.
“I’ll be in my office,” he says as he stands and walks away.
Then I see Gage following behind her, and my heart quickens when I see Grayson behind him.
I can’t stop the smile from creeping up.
Phoenix leans over the bar toward me. “So, it was Blue?”
I look up quickly to see his reaction. His eyebrow creeps up with a slight warning.
“Told you; I just needed to clear my head,” I answer.
She eyes me like she’s a trained interrogator, and then nods, still eyeing me. I hold her eyes, not letting her get the idea that I’m not being honest.
Feeling guilty, I then put my hands behind me and cross my fingers. I feel childish doing so, but hey, maybe they’re right about my shitty informative years. If so, I don’t care. Why don’t I care? Because something magnificent happened today. Today, I was given hope by my father that someday he will start living again, and that means that I, too, can truly start living. The other was Grayson Falcon agreeing to be with me in a way I want to be...with him.
I look out of the corner of my eyes at him. Gage’s back is to me, and Grayson is looking at him with that invisible mask, the mask that covers his face whenever Blue is around. Now I see it with his own brother, as well. Kind of makes me excited, like he may let it down just for me.
I smile at him, and he squints. However, that mask, it doesn’t even fade.
The hope I had in living again; the hope of a man who I am wildly attracted to, who is without lies and deceitful intention; the hope of the man I know I can trust, who is who he says he is, and will be the one who allows me to explore the side of me I so badly want to explore, without being crushed while doing so, is no longer appearing to be that.
No, his mask doesn’t fade, but my hope, it does.
Chapter Nine
See You Around...Again
Grayson
This morning, I was ready to not only make my bed and lay in it—a term Mags would always use as a warning—I was ready to wreck my bed and lay in it until it was time to move on from here once again.
It would have already happened, too, had that Blue fucker not walked into my woods and fucked with sacred ground and secret plans, pissing all over them.
Smug little fucker, too. Told me this big-ass story about Mandee and her college years. About a bunch of guys fucking with her. Then he told me to stay the hell away from her. I put him in his place, telling him it was none of his fucking business what I do, and he told me, if I didn’t have good intentions—friendly intentions—he would make damn sure Phoenix knew what was up, because she would for sure protect Mandee from a man like me. I grabbed his fucking throat and told him to pull over. Warned him to shut the fuck up.
When he pulled over, I got out. He spewed some shit about my family needing support around these parts and not more scandal. He said he knew what his community would and would not tolerate, that if I loved them, I would walk the straight and narrow with a girl like Mandee.
When I got back to the Landing, I helped Garrett finish the porch he has been building on his place that he and the girl he has loved forever, the mother of his child who was happy as hell to learn Garrett, not Gage, was Brand’s father. That boy still looks at both men the way I wish I could have my father.
The fucker, Blue’s, words dug in a little. Still, it didn’t sway me.
When I helped Garrett look over plans for Mandee’s family bar and I saw the pride in him, that he was making amends with everything that he had been lied to about for years, and being the bigger and better man, those words dug even a little farther in.
When I googled her name and saw the video Blue was talking about, I saw Mandee at a frat party with a bunch of fuck boys, three of them. They were grabbing her, ripping her clothes off, kissing her, touching her. She was so fucking wasted her attempts at stopping them were not obvious enough for those bastards to get what they had coming to them. Those words didn’t seem as much a threat, or warning, as they were a wakeup call.
I saw my soon-to-be sister-in-law in the video, as well. Little badass Phoenix was fucking raging. I like her more now than ever. Her and Gage, they actually do make one hell of a couple.
This morning, I watched as Mandee cried, screamed, swam, and hid from the pains of her past. I just didn’t know how damn deep that pain ran until he filled in the untold part of her story.
“Gage, come here for a minute?” Phoenix says from behind the bar.
He smiles, stands up, and walks with her to the entry to the new addition.
Once they are out of earshot and view, Mandee walks over to me.
“Everything okay?” she whispers.
I nod.
“You sure?” she asks, putting a glass in front of me and grabbing a bottle from under the bar.
When she’s about to pour me a glass of Jameson, I stop her. “Coffee.”
She nods and pulls the glass back as she sets the bottle down. “Okay.”
She walks out back, and I take in a breath of this bar, of her, and of knowledge that this shit can’t happen.
Regret. Fucking regret sucks.
When she brings out the cup of coffee and sets it down, she whispers, “You sure everything’s okay?”
I shake my head. “Can’t happen.”
“What?” Those big brown eyes widen, hurt and confusion clashing in them, and that regret for my momentary loss of control, it thickens.
“You deserve better than what I have to offer,” I tell her, raising my cup to my mouth.
“What did he say to you?”
“Your boyfriend?”
“My occasional date and never fuck.” She scowls at me.
“He ain’t for you, but he’s better than me. Trust me, Mandee; I’m doing you a fucking solid here.”
“So, I should fuck Blue?” she whispers again, but this time there’s sass behind the words. She’s pissed.
“No. You’ll find a good man.”
“I did find—”
“Shh, Jesus Christ, and this is why,” I interrupt. “You and I, we’re not gonna be, so you should just move on from the idea—”
“I’m over it,” she interrupts, all sass now, and it’s incredibly sexy on her.
Fuck!
The door opens, and Phoenix and Gage walk back in.
“Before it gets busy in here, let’s go over those plans.” Phoenix smiles at her and picks up the damn book on the back of the bar. A book that all her illusions of
love and fairy tale shit is written throughout the pages, with little pictures and shit glued inside it. That should have been the only fucking warning I needed.
§
I spend the next week working like a dog with my brother Garrett so I am tired enough to crash at night and am able to restrain myself from going to the bar. I hang out with my nephew Brand, and I listen to her voice, that girl, Mandee, on FaceTime with Juliana and Phoenix, going over the plans for the nuptials happening on Saturday.
Her voice is sweet as honey, making me want to give less shits about what my head’s telling my dick to avoid.
Three fucking days from now, and my father, the man who I despise, is going to be here with his wife, my mother, the woman Gage despises, to watch Garrett and Juliana get hitched. What a fucking joke.
Tonight, I suffered through another dinner with my brothers and the whole crew while watching them all smile and seem actually happy for the first time in years. Hell, I don’t think I remember a time when all was good in the world.
Brandon, my nephew, he’s a gift to this family. Watching him gets you caught up in innocence. Innocence lost to us all. Innocence that was just like that girl, Mandee, and her fairy tale in that book.
Everyone’s gone to their respective side of the hill, and I am looking at the lake. I reach down and grab my guitar, needing it to drown out the noise inside.
“You okay, my boy?”
I look back and see Mags walking toward me.
I nod as she sits next to me and pats my back, then rubs in slow circles like she used to when I couldn’t sleep.
“You wanna talk about it?”
I shake my head and see her smile out of the corner of my eye.
“Can’t keep everything bottled up, my boy. I know that look. Something’s building up inside, and you’re ready to hit the road again. Can’t do that; we have a wedding.” She pats my back gently.
“I know, Mags,” I tell her.
“But...?”
I shrug. “I come back. Always do. Haven’t missed a holiday in years. Just need to breathe, you know?”
“Easy breathing up here in the fresh country air now that things have come out. Looking at you, I’m thinking something’s eating you.”
