by M. J. Haag
“Fear is as debilitating as many physical ailments,” I said. “Can’t. Won’t. If you put either of those types of people outside the wall, the result will be the same. People will die. It makes sense that you don’t want to risk those who are actually willing by forcing those who aren’t.”
Mya nodded.
“It doesn’t change Matt’s problem, though. Or my answer. If we keep enabling them—”
“I know,” Matt said. “It will only get worse. Yet, I can’t stand by and just watch people starve because they’re too afraid to do their part.”
I understood why Mya was refusing to allow the fey to help. They’d give up anything to possibly impress a female survivor. Even their lives. I saw their longing on a daily basis. They lingered for even a scrap of feminine attention. It wasn’t fair that so many of the humans at Tenacity were willing to use that to get the fey’s help. Especially when the majority of the Whiteman survivors had made their negative feelings regarding the fey very plain.
However, the humans living here were a different story. We liked the fey. We were able-bodied. And we didn’t need Mya to protect us from being used by the other camp.
“There are a lot of good people here, in Tolerance, who’d be willing to take a few shifts if you let them know what’s going on,” I said, thinking of my family and Mya’s brother.
“Fine,” Mya said. “We’ll put the word out that you’re looking for human volunteers to guard Tenacity while your people go on supply runs, Matt.” She looked at Drav. “Everyone who’s willing should meet at the north wall at first light.”
“Thank you. And about the planes?”
She looked at Drav.
“We will help,” he said. “But when the planes are above, they must look for signs of Molev, too.”
Molev, the leader of the fey, had been missing for several weeks. Everyone in Tolerance was concerned about his fate. He’d been amazing when Mom, Zach, and I had first arrived, spending time with Mom and assuring us we were welcome and safe. If he were here, he would have been the first one I would have invited for dinner with Mom.
“Agreed,” Matt said easily. “Perhaps this is a perfect opportunity to continue building better relations between some of the survivors and fey.”
“How do you mean?” Mya asked.
“The fey have far better eyesight than we do. We should pair a pilot with a fey each trip.”
Mya nodded slowly, looking at Drav.
“Many will want to see the world from above,” he said. “You will have no shortage of volunteers.”
“Good. It’s settled.” Matt stood and offered his hand to Drav. “We’ll welcome the help from any human who volunteers and will start looking for Molev and survivors tomorrow.”
After he left, Mya turned to me.
“Sorry for making you wait,” she said.
“I don’t mind.” I glanced around the room at Drav, Ghua, and Eden.
“Did you want to talk alone?” Mya asked.
“No. It’s okay. Nothing I have to say is a secret. Mom’s lonely and interested in some company, so she asked me to invite someone over for conversation and dinner. When I started asking, the fey got weird. I just found out that they all think Thallirin is interested in me and that I was asking them to dinner for myself, which freaked them out because they all thought they were stealing Thallirin’s woman. When I tried to explain that Thallirin has no claim on me, they agreed…but only because I’m not eighteen yet.”
Mya frowned slightly.
“I’m sorry. I’m going to blame the pregnancy on this one, but I’m not following. What’s the problem?”
I focused on three slow breaths before answering.
“No fey should be allowed to call dibs on any female. Ever. Unless we truly don’t have a choice.”
“Ah. I see. I don’t think Thallirin has called dibs.” She looked at Drav.
“Dibs means to choose,” he said. “Are you saying no fey should be able to choose? Only the females can choose?”
“No, I mean it needs to be mutual,” I said. “Just because Thallirin likes me, doesn’t mean I need to like him back. And it doesn’t mean that everyone else needs to stay away from me.”
“They must until you’re eighteen.”
I looked at Mya.
“That’s why I’m here.”
“I understand.” She looked at the others. “Would you mind giving us a few minutes to talk alone?”
Drav grunted and Ghua stood.
“I’d like to stay if it’s okay with you,” Eden said.
I shrugged. She’d been my second pick for help, so why not?
Once the men cleared out, Mya sat up a little straighter.
“They mean well,” she said. “Their way of thinking is often so different from ours it drives me insane.”
I breathed a sigh of relief that she really did understand. She plucked at her blanket a moment, and I could tell she was struggling with something. I hated when people didn’t just say what they wanted to say.
“When my mom first found out she’d be in a wheelchair for the rest of her life, it was hard,” I said. “On all of us. It almost tore our family apart because each of us was so worried about sparing everyone else the anguish we were feeling that we kept it all inside. We have a rule now. If you’re feeling something…thinking something…whatever, you just say it. Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t pull punches. Just say it. Because most of the problems in our lives stem from misunderstanding and miscommunication.”
Mya smiled slightly.
“I appreciate that more than you know,” she said.
“Good. I’m here asking you to make it clear to the fey that I’m not interested in anyone. And my lack of interest has nothing to do with my age. Pairing up with someone, if it ever happens, will be on my terms, not someone else’s.”
“I agree,” Eden said. “Not everyone wants to be matched up, Mya.”
“I get that. It’s just hard after seeing where the fey are from and knowing they had nothing before this. A stone slab for a bed, a gourd to carry water, and endless darkness. Seeing their delight in learning there’s more to life than they ever knew…it’s hard to take that hope away. And, that’s what I’d be doing when I talk to Thallirin and tell him you have no interest in him.” She exhaled slowly and fidgeted with her blanket again. “Are you opposed to Thallirin because of his looks?”
I thought of the big fey, the scars marring his face and arms, and mentally cringed away from the image. It wasn’t how he looked; it was how he looked at me that was the problem. How could someone look so stoic, yet angry and interested, all at the same time?
“I’ve honestly never looked at any of the fey too closely,” I said. “I knew they’d take it the wrong way if I did, and I didn’t want to cruelly give any of them hope that I would ever be interested.”
“I didn’t think I would ever be interested, either,” Mya said. “Eden, too, I’m betting. But the fey tend to grow on you.”
I stood and zipped my jacket.
“I’ve made my wishes clear. What you do now is up to you. However, if I’m faced with the choice of staying here and being paired up or going to Tenacity, I’ll leave. I won’t be forced to sleep with anyone again.”
“Brenna, that will never happen here,” Eden said quickly. “I won’t let it.”
“And that’s not what I was suggesting,” Mya said, looking pale and shocked. “I only meant that you might change your mind someday.”
Instead of answering, I left. I’d said my piece and made my feelings on the matter quite plain. And, I was more than a little infuriated that Mya was obviously siding with the fey in this.
When I reached the house, I called out that I’d found someone to come to dinner before I retreated to the backyard. Looking at the various targets, I nocked an arrow then let go of my annoyance by releasing shot after shot. I already had excellent aim. What I needed now was speed, too. A lot of it.
My fingers grew sore, as did my arm. Trivia
l things in the big picture of life faded to a single priority: become better at killing infected. How many more infected could I have taken down if I’d been faster? I shook my head, ridding myself of the useless, self-deprecating thought. The past couldn’t be changed, and I was doing what I needed to do to fix the issue I’d identified.
Not that I’d find myself in a position of needing to rapid-fire at infected ever again. Well, not if we stayed here.
Retrieving the arrows, I looked up at the fey lining the wall. Now that Tenacity’s wall was complete, Tolerance was swarming with fey. I thought again of Matt’s request for volunteers as I turned to retrace my steps.
I paused at the sight of Thallirin standing in the shadows of a tree. My chest and throat grew tight with fear, and I forced myself to breathe calmly. This wasn’t the first time I’d noticed him watching. Before today, I figured it was because I was just an oddity. I mean, all the fey looked at the humans. We were still new to them. Me, more so because of my love of my bow, a weapon they knew how to use, too. Now that I knew the real reason for Thallirin’s attention, that familiar panic tried to pull me under as I met his unblinking gaze.
Mya’s question about disliking him because of his appearance echoed in my head. His scars didn’t make him ugly. They made him as intimidating as hell. There was never even a hint of waver in his hard gaze. Half the time, he looked pissed. The other half, cold and ready to kill. And that was who liked me? No thanks.
Putting the arrows in my quiver, I forced myself to head straight toward him. My approach didn’t change his expression.
“I heard you have me in your sights as a future love interest once I turn eighteen,” I said bluntly. “I’m not interested. It has nothing to do with my age or you, personally. I have no interest in being matched up with anyone. And I’d appreciate it very much if you started stalking someone else.”
My hands were starting to sweat, and my voice had started to quaver. Damn it.
“You wish to be alone.” The harsh rasp of his deep voice made me want to wince as it did every time he spoke.
“Yes. Please.”
He stepped out of the shadows, into the weak, cloud-filtered sunlight.
“You wish for something you do not understand.”
“Um, pretty sure I do. Just go away, Thallirin.” I turned to do the same, but he caught my arm. The massive expanse of his hand fully wrapped around my bicep. Yet, for all his largeness and strength, he held me in place gently.
I’d been held in place gently before and had sworn I would never allow it again.
Turning, I looked into his cold eyes.
“Let go, or I’m going to start screaming.”
His expression flickered, and he released me.
“Do you still look for companionship for dinner?” he asked.
“No. Uan is coming over. And it’s for my mom, not me, just so we’re clear. I meant what I said. I’m not interested in any man.”
“You are still young.”
My hand tightened on my bow as he turned and walked away.
Chapter Three
Mom was nervous, and it had nothing to do with the dog food stew we’d be serving for dinner.
“You look pretty,” I said, standing back to look at her.
She tugged at the skirt of her dress. She didn’t often expose her legs, hating how they looked with so little muscle to them.
“You want to wear pants?”
She shook her head.
“It’s better if he sees what he’s getting into.”
“I don’t think he’ll know there’s a difference,” I said. “Yours will probably be the first set of non-fey legs he’s seen. He’ll think we all walk around on twigs.”
She snorted.
“You’re right. Put on that other dress.”
I groaned, and she laughed. Knowing she was serious, I grabbed the other dress selection she’d somehow acquired and stripped out of my comfortable sweatshirt and jeans.
“You’re getting too thin,” she said, watching me. That was another rule in our house. There was no shame in nudity. There couldn’t be.
“If you’re telling me I’m thin just to stuff me with dog food, I’ll pass.” I started tugging on the dress. “But if you’re going to offer pizza or ice cream, game on. I’m a skinny bitch who needs some carbs.”
She was rolling her eyes at me the moment my head popped through the neckline. The dress fell into place, and she studied me critically.
“I think he’ll be able to tell now,” she said. “Thanks, Bren.”
“Any time, Mom.”
“Now, let’s go see what the master chef has prepared for us this evening.”
She led the way to the kitchen, where Zach had the table set with a large pot in the middle.
“Made a double-batch,” he said.
“Um.” My tone conveyed anything but excitement.
Mom swatted me just as someone knocked at the door.
“I’ll get it,” I said, already moving.
Uan smiled at me when I opened the door. He wore a button-up shirt that hugged his arms and chest so snugly, I knew he’d bust a seam before the night was over.
“Hey, Uan. Come in.” I stepped aside and closed the door behind him.
His eyes swept the space until they landed on Mom. They stared at each other for a long moment.
“Mom, this is Uan. Uan, this is my mom, Nancy.”
“I know,” Uan said. He moved to Mom, towering over her. “You are a very beautiful woman, Nancy. I will like talking to you.”
She smiled.
“Dinner’s ready. Let’s eat.”
Any earlier annoyance I felt toward Uan faded during our drawn-out dinner. Mom enjoyed talking to him, and Uan couldn’t take his eyes off of her.
“Would you like to go for a walk, Nancy?” Uan said when I took his bowl.
“I would love to, but my chair doesn’t like snow.”
“I know. I want to carry you.”
I glanced over my shoulder and met Mom’s questioning gaze with a shrug. She’d known what she was getting into. The fey were handsy if given a chance. Did she honestly think her legs would stop that?
“I would love to go for a walk. Let me just change.”
“There is no need. I will wrap you in a blanket.” He was already standing and grabbing a blanket from the back of the couch. I wondered just how long he’d been thinking about asking her.
In two blinks, Mom was swaddled and in his arms. She tried moving her arms and gave me an annoyed look.
“You okay, Mom?” I asked, giving her a chance to speak up.
“Er…”
“She will be fine,” Uan said.
“Okay. Don’t keep her out too long,” I said, opening the door for Uan.
“Brenna, we’re going to talk when I get home,” she said as they passed.
I laughed.
“Have fun, you two.”
When I closed the door, Zach was there, shaking his head at me.
“That wasn’t nice.”
“I gave her the opportunity to speak up, and she didn’t. And, she doesn’t like when we baby her. I was trying to set a good example for Uan.”
“Do you think she’ll buy that?”
I grinned.
“I’m going to go change then go out back and practice.”
He was waiting for me by the door with his own quiver when I reemerged.
“Has Mom said anything more about you finding your own guy?” he asked, following me outside.
“Nope. She doesn’t need to. It seems like the fey are playing their own dating game.”
My brother, who took after my father with his light brown hair and grey eyes, gave me a sharp, protective look.
“What do you mean?”
“When I went out to find a fey to come over for dinner, the ones I talked to ran off because they didn’t want to upset Thallirin.”
“I don’t blame them. That guy’s scary.”
I nudged him
with my shoulder as we set up.
“It’s because Thallirin likes me and they don’t want to step on his toes, not because they’re afraid of him.”
“Ah.”
“Yeah. Ah.” I let loose my first arrow.
“You tell him to piss off?”
“I tried. But you know what it’s like talking to the fey. They don’t actually hear what you’re saying and only understand what they want.”
Zach nocked two arrows, a technique he’d been trying to improve with little accuracy. I stepped back, giving him room.
“I saw Matt Davis today,” I said. “He’s looking for volunteers to guard Tenacity’s walls tomorrow so he can send more people out for supplies. Only human volunteers, though. Want in?”
“You know it.”
“Good. We leave at dawn.”
Mom yawned widely, and I grinned.
“Late night?” I asked, knowing it had been. Uan had returned her hours after they’d left. Mom’s face had been flushed with cold, and her eyes a bit glazed.
“Mind your own business.”
I only grinned wider and leaned my elbows on the table.
“You are my business. Did you spend the whole time making out, or were words actually exchanged between kisses?”
She scowled at me.
“We talked the whole time. Uan took me to the wall where I could shoot and be useful. He’s a great listener and makes me feel—”
Her tired surliness faded into true sorrow.
“Talk, Mom,” I said gently. “Don’t shut us out.”
“He makes me feel like a whole person. Like your dad did.”
“Then, I approve,” Zach said. “Of Uan and of your choice, Mom. Dad wouldn’t want you to face any of this on your own. You know that.”
She nodded, giving Zach a sad smile before turning to me.
“You have my support as well,” I said. “You were happy last night. That’s worth fighting for.”
“Good. I’m glad you feel that way. I want you to stop by Cassie’s on the way back and ask about birth control.”
“And, I’m out,” Zach said, quickly moving toward the door. “I’ll see you at the wall.”
“Chicken!” I called after him.
Mom set her hand over mine.
