by M. J. Haag
As soon as Ryan climbed onto one of the fey’s backs, they started to leave in small groups. I looked around for someone to carry me, pretending not to notice my very available shadow. The fey who’d brought me had a box of goods in his arms. Zach, standing by his fey, shook his head and waited to see what I’d do. I knew that no matter what I decided, Zach would have my back.
“Tell Mom I’ll be home a little late. It looks like I’m walking.”
“You cannot walk home,” Thallirin said behind me. “It will be dark soon.”
I turned and crossed my arms to glare up at him.
“The sooner you understand I’m not an ignorant child you can manipulate into getting your way, the better. I am not yours in any regard. I’ve asked you nicely, and then not nicely, to leave me alone. I’m not interested in some fey happily-ever-after. Not now. Not after I turn eighteen. Not ever. I don’t know how much plainer I can say it.”
For a moment, he said nothing. Just stood there looking at me. His cold gaze lingered on my face, and something in his expression shifted.
“Neither do I,” he said finally. “Walk. I will follow and keep you safe.”
I started jogging and waved to Zach as his fey passed. The crunch of my footsteps kept me company, soothing some of my irritation. Although I knew the danger of being out after dark, I didn’t regret my decision. I’d picked life above all else once before, and although I kept telling myself I’d do it again, I wondered if I really could. To save Zach? Yes. My mom? Absolutely. But myself? I wasn’t sure.
My thoughts didn’t distract me from my surroundings. As I moved, I scanned every tree and every elongating shadow. My bow rested on my shoulder, but I could have an arrow nocked in seconds. However, nothing moved through the woods other than me and Thallirin. It took several minutes to clear the trees and follow the trail through the fields.
Neither of us spoke, and the light began to fade before long. As the silence grew, a seed of hope sprouted that maybe Thallirin had finally gotten the message.
The lights from Tolerance already shined into the dark sky by the time we reached the wall. One of the fey patrolling the top lowered a ladder for me. I nodded my thanks and climbed over, relieved I’d arrived safely.
Instead of going straight home, I remembered Mom’s request and veered off toward Cassie's house. When I glanced over my shoulder, wondering if Thallirin was going to try to follow me, I saw I was alone. I hoped that meant I’d finally gotten through to him just as much as I hoped he’d recover from the letdown and find another girl to safety-stalk.
I knocked on Cassie's door and only waited a moment before her partner, Kerr, opened it.
“Hi, Kerr. Could I speak to Cassie, please?”
He stepped aside and motioned me in. The scent of roast made my mouth water. I wished we had real meat to eat, but I knew the cost of eating well. I glanced at Kerr, wondering if Cassie regretted her choice. Probably not. A lot of the women with fey seemed pretty happy.
Kerr led me to the kitchen where Cassie and her children were already eating.
“I'm sorry to interrupt dinner, but my mom wanted me to stop by. She was wondering if you had any birth control.”
Cassie swallowed her mouthful of food and stood up, leading me away from the kids and back to the front door. Kerr followed us, stopping in the doorway to the kitchen so he could watch the children and us.
“I'm so sorry,” she said quietly. “You’re not the first one to come looking for birth control since the news. Let your mom know that the fey are looking for it when they go out for supplies. Nothing came back today, though.”
Kerr shifted his weight ever so slightly when she said that. I glanced at him, his unwavering gaze holding mine. Given their love of children and desire for families, I doubted any birth control would ever come back with the fey.
“That's okay,” I said, looking at Cassie. “I'll let my mom know.”
I let myself out and hurried home. Warm air enveloped me as soon as I stepped inside. Instead of the welcoming scent of roast, I smelled soup and dog food again. I tried not to let it bother me.
“Come in here,” Mom called from the kitchen. “There's hot food waiting for you and a mom who's ready for conversation.”
“It's a good thing I'm hungry and ready to talk,” I called back, removing my layers.
When I walked into the kitchen, I saw Uan sitting at the table with Mom and Zach. Mom was smiling, but I could see the worry in her eyes.
“Everything went really well today,” I said, taking my seat. “I never thought I would see another place like this, but Tenacity is almost a replica. A little bit bigger. And if I'm not mistaken, I saw a school.”
“I heard they took over Leeton,” Mom said. “That’s a long way from here.”
She meant it was a long way for me to hoof on my own, and she was right.
“I’m pretty sure that’s strategic. Human foot traffic is discouraged, which means less risk of attracting unwanted attention for places that should be safe.”
She gave me a long look, reading into what I was saying.
“The place might look like this,” Zach said, “but the people are nowhere near as friendly.”
“So, no different than what they were when they were here,” Mom said.
“Not really,” I agreed before helping myself to my first spoonful of dog food soup.
I'd barely eaten half a bowl, joining in on the easy table banter, when someone knocked on the door.
“Let me get it,” I said, already rising.
Zach looked at me.
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely.”
If Uan caught on to the undercurrent of our conversation, he gave no indication. I left the table and returned Eden’s sheepish smile when I answered the door.
“Am I interrupting dinner?” she asked.
“Yeah. It's not a big deal, though. What's up?”
“I was hoping I could talk to you for a minute.”
The way she stayed outside, even though I had the door open, let me know she wanted a private conversation. So, I grabbed my jacket and stepped outside with her.
“Thallirin came over,” she said without preamble. “He wanted to talk to Ghua about how to deal with a stubborn child.”
I groaned. I’d been so sure I’d gotten through to him.
“He thinks I’m just being stubborn?”
“What's funnier is that Thallirin thinks that Ghua is an expert on you.” We walked around the house to the backyard. “I know it's none of my business, but I really want to help you. I know what you've been through. I also know that, although the fey are basically harmless, they’re also very persistent. The combination can be extremely frustrating.”
“You've got that right.”
“Thallirin said you called him a pedophile. He's freaking out, thinking there's something wrong with him. I'm not saying that so you feel bad. I'm just letting you know so that you understand where he's coming from. Maybe it will help get through to him.” She shrugged slightly and sighed. “I think you’re going to need to be upfront with him about what happened at the bunker.”
My chest tightened by slow degrees.
“What happened there has nothing to do with my refusal.”
“It did for me,” she said. “I left that place, swearing I wanted to spend the rest of my life by myself. That I didn't need anyone. When Ghua showed up, I was terrified. Not just because he was freakishly different or because he was ripping heads off of infected, but because he was extremely interested in me. And he made that interest very clear. You should have seen his face when I lied and said I was twelve. Complete devastation. They respect the no females under eighteen rule. Thallirin will leave you alone because of that. But, it won’t stop him from caring about you or wanting you. You need to help him understand why you will never want him in return.”
I looked up at the stars.
“What happened is in the past. I’m over it. And it has nothing to do wi
th what’s happening now.”
“Sugar, that’s not something you just get over.”
“In this world, you do. There’s no time for self-pity or doubt. That’s the quickest way to die, and I’m not done living yet.”
Eden remained quiet next to me for several long moments.
“I’m sorry we didn’t get there sooner.”
I turned to look at her.
“Don’t carry the guilt for someone else’s actions. Any decision that was made that might have delayed your arrival doesn’t change who’s responsible for what happened to me. It was the people at the bunker. It was Van.”
I hated that I’d said his name. He didn’t deserve any acknowledgment from me. Yet, I refused to let Eden carry the burden for what happened.
“And don’t worry about Thallirin’s fascination with me. Like you said, the fey are basically harmless to us. Just annoying. I’ll manage.”
She nodded and left.
When I went back to the house, I found Uan saying his goodbyes.
“I must guard the wall tonight. I will return in the morning, though.”
He bent down and kissed Mom thoroughly before leaving. She stared after him, her eyes glazed, as I took my seat. Zach grinned as he watched her. It didn’t take her too long to snap out of it.
“Spill it,” she said, no-nonsense Mom taking over. “What really happened today?”
“I don't want to talk about it,” I said.
“But I do.”
Slouching in my chair a little, I gave in.
“The fey are insistent that Thallirin and I are going to get married and have babies and live happily ever after. They're not getting it through their thick heads that I have no interest in him.”
“I don't understand what that has to do with you being late. Did he force you to stay with him?”
“No, Mom. Nothing like that. All the other fey refused to carry me, trying to play matchmaker and forcing me to deal with Thallirin. I chose my own two feet instead of his loving arms.”
Her expression shifted ever so slightly. Our family didn’t do pity. At least, it was our rule not to. But I could see it in Mom’s eyes. She wanted to pity me for whatever happened in the bunker. I never really talked about it, and it was the one subject she hadn’t forced. She probably hadn’t needed to. Zach had been there, too.
“I understand you need to take a stance,” she said, “but don't do it at the expense of your safety.”
“I didn’t. There hasn't been anything moving outside the wall in days. And we would have known if there had been any hounds nearby.”
“Okay. I've said my piece. You know my feelings on the subject. If Thallirin does anything you don’t want him to do—”
“I know. You and Zach both have my back.”
She nodded.
“Now, did you stop at Cassie’s?”
“Yeah, she says there's been a mad rush on birth control since the news. She doesn’t have any. Supposedly the fey are out looking for more, but with their baby obsession, I wouldn’t count on it. But, there’s a supply run tomorrow that I’m willing to join.”
“I’ll go, too,” Zach said. “Just don’t look me in the eye when I hand you your birth control.”
He started to get up, but Mom grabbed his arm and drummed the fingers of her other hand on the table as she gave Zach “the look.” Zach made a pained face in return and sat again. She released him.
“As much as I want to run away from whatever conversation is about to go down, I'm staying,” he said sullenly.
“I like Uan,” she said. “And he seems to like me just fine in return.”
“We couldn’t tell,” Zach said dryly.
“When I tell him I’m ready, he’s going to want to live here with us.”
Despite her stern tone, there was doubt and worry in her eyes. Not about her decision but about us. I reached out and took her hand.
“We’re okay with that, Mom. We’re old enough to understand what’s happening. We know you’re not replacing Dad. And it’s okay if you have feelings for Uan. It won’t ever change how much we love you.”
She closed her eyes for a moment and squeezed my hand in return.
“I have the best kids in the world,” she said softly.
“Given the current population, that’s probably true,” Zach said.
Mom laughed and smacked his arm.
Zach and I walked toward the wall. Just like the day before, a group of fey waited along with a small group of humans. Ryan waved when he saw us.
“Wasn't sure you'd be back after yesterday,” he said.
“What do you mean?” Zach asked.
Ryan's gaze shifted to my right, and I followed it to where he was looking. Thallirin watched us from his solitary position near the wall.
“There's a lot in life that will try to stand in my way and stop me from accomplishing what I want,” I said. “That doesn’t mean I should just give up before I even try.”
Ryan smiled slightly. I noticed how cute he was, and it sent a jolt of panic through me.
Before a tell-tale flush could give me away, I glanced at the fey gathered.
“Am I going to have to take the slow way again today?” I asked.
“I will carry you,” a fey said, stepping forward, “but not because I am interested in you.”
“Thanks for clarifying,” I said dryly.
With little drama, we made it to Tenacity before the sun was fully up. Like the day before, Matt waited in the street along with a large crowd. Everyone looked a lot less happy than the day before.
“I’m sorry you came all the way out here,” he said. “There are only a handful of people interested in going to Harrisonville, which means I have more help on the wall than I need.”
“It's okay. I actually want to go on the supply run,” I said.
“Are you sure they're going to let you?” Matt asked with a glance at the fey behind us.
“I'm sure they're unprepared for the fallout from a temper tantrum thrown by someone my age,” I said, embracing the stubborn child role in which Thallirin had cast me.
“Give ‘em hell and keep ‘em in line,” Matt said softly.
“All right,” Ryan said. “I guess we’ll be going. Thirty percent to use your trucks seem fair to you?”
“More than fair.”
“We’ll fill the tanks up while we’re out there, too.”
When we went to the ladders, Thallirin was there, his arms crossed.
“You know it’s not safe,” he said in his typical low, stoic voice.
“Yep, and you already know I’m going to go anyway because nothing is safe about this world. Besides, I’m tired of eating dog food.”
“Tell me what you want, and I’ll get it for you.”
“No. I’ll get it myself because I’m strong, smart, and just as able to gather supplies as Ryan or Zach. My vagina isn’t a disability. It’s a body part.”
His face darkened.
“What? That word bothers you?”
“Children shouldn’t—”
“Just stop already. I’ll be eighteen in a few weeks, if that. What excuse are you going to use to keep me a prisoner then?”
“Your safety isn’t an excuse.”
“It is. Infected got inside the wall. I could have been dead just as easily inside Tolerance as I could outside of its wall. You let nothing near me before. Why doubt your abilities now?”
I knew I had him, and by the way he blinked at me, he knew it, too.
“You will stay where I can see you.”
“Since you stalk me everywhere I go, even to the bathroom, I doubt there’s anywhere you wouldn’t see me.”
He grunted and motioned to the ladder.
Triumphant, I grinned at him and grasped the first rung toward freedom and understanding. His hands closed over the rungs above mine, and he leaned in close.
“This is not a victory.”
Chapter Five
Safely tucked into a truck
with Garrett at the wheel, I watched the road ahead as we approached Harrisonville’s city limits. The drive had taken well over an hour. The first half had gone smoothly enough because the fey had cleared that part of the road the day before. The second half had slowed us down a bit while they removed a few cars here and there. The number of abandoned vehicles that clogged the way had increased the closer we drew to the city. All of what they’d cleared was nothing compared to the concentration of vehicles ahead, though.
Garrett pulled the truck to the side of the road and cut the engine.
“This is as far as the trucks go,” he said. “We’ll go on foot to clear out a few neighborhoods and get a feel for the infected population.”
I looked at the buildings in the distance. As my first time outside of Tolerance in weeks, scavenging those homes for supplies felt intimidating. Yet, I knew what to expect. A random infected lingering where they once lived. A few groups wandering the streets. A trap or two to avoid. All of that would have been daunting when it had been just my family. However, in a group this size, with this many fey, we’d be fine.
“Ready?” Garrett asked.
“Yep.”
The door creaked as I pushed it open and jumped lightly to the ground. The fey were milling about, waiting for the humans to congregate.
“Okay,” Ryan said, addressing the group. “Most of us know this drill. Humans stay with the fey at all times. Same room. Close proximity. Stay quiet. Stay alert. The first pass is to clear infected. The second is for supplies. Don’t assume a house is clear. Ever. Any questions?”
Zach and I shook our heads.
“Let’s go.”
I started to follow, and a hand closed over my shoulder. Rolling my eyes, I looked back at Thallirin.
“Are we going to do this every step of the way? There’s a roast in a working freezer out there somewhere with my name on it.”
A momentary frown flickered over his expression.
“A group always guards the trucks.”
“That’s bullshit. I came for supplies, not guard duty.”
“We split everything,” Ryan said, and I saw he wasn’t the only one watching the Thallirin-Brenna spectacle. “And he is right. We usually leave three or four behind to guard the trucks so we don’t come back to a dead engine or a truck full of infected.”
