by Paris Rose
“Don’t kid yourself, Arianna. He’ll never want you the way he wants me. Remember that. You’re lucky I just got a call from my agent, so I can’t stay with Christoff as long as I had planned. Some of us have real modeling careers to maintain. When was the last time you made the cover of a magazine?” Bianca spat her words before turning and walking away without giving Arianna a chance to respond. She bumped into me as she turned to leave, but she didn’t make eye contact or acknowledge me. I was slightly perturbed that she acted like I didn’t exist, but the sensible part of me was grateful that I didn’t have to interact with her.
Arianna’s face was red and her eyes looked glassy. “Hey, are you okay?” I spoke softly.
“Yeah.” Arianna shook her head, even though she’d responded yes. She closed her eyes before exhaling. “There is just something about that woman that always gets under my skin, but I’m not going to let her ruin my day. She has it in her head that I stole Christoff from her, even though that’s not what happened.”
“Oh.” I just looked at her with my mouth agape. I forgot there was so much drama surrounding Christoff. When we were together, I felt like we were best friends, and I didn’t see him as this sought-after rock star that had ladies fighting over him. He was gorgeous and intriguing and amazing, but, when we were together, I felt like he was mine and only mine. I just realized that perhaps I was being naïve.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to dump all that on you,” Arianna murmured uncomfortably. “So… I was asking before we were so rudely interrupted, what’s going on with you and Christoff?”
My heart fluttered as I realized that I didn’t know how to answer. I didn’t want to overstate or understate what was going on, and I certainly didn’t want to make an enemy out of Arianna because she seemed nice.
“I care about him a lot, but, to be honest, I don’t know what’s going on between us. I guess you could say we’re kind of seeing each other.”
“Oh. Are you guys exclusive?”
“No, I wouldn’t say that,” I responded hesitantly. “Why do you ask?”
“No reason in particular. I was just curious.” There was an awkward silence between us. “Hey, forget what I said earlier.”
“About what?”
“About Christoff not being the marrying kind. That was selfish of me to say. I think I’m just still hurt that things didn’t work out between us. I know that he’s not the one for me, and I’m not the one for him, but I guess there is a small part of me that wishes things had turned out differently between us. I really hope he finds someone that makes him happy. Maybe things will work out differently with you than they did with me?”
“Yeah, I hope so,” I responded. I wanted to kick myself as soon as the words left my lips. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it that way. I don’t really know you aside from reading your interviews in the magazines, but I am really sorry that he broke your heart. You’ve always seemed like a really nice girl from everything I read about you, and even what Christoff has said about you. I hope you find what you’re looking for,” I said sincerely. Arianna’s eyes welled with tears.
“Thanks Gia, no one has ever wished me well like that before. It’s just ironic that the kindness is coming from my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend.” Arianna laughed as she dabbed her eyes with the back of her hand. I smiled. I really liked the sound of being referred to as Christoff’s girlfriend. “Will you do me a favor?”
“What is it, Arianna?”
“I know we don’t know each other, so you don’t really owe me anything. But will you promise me that you’ll take care of Christoff and be good to him for me? If I can’t be with him, I want him to end up with someone amazing—not a selfish brat like Bianca. Will you promise me you’ll treat him well?”
“Of course, Arianna!” I pulled her into my embrace. “I will be as good to Christoff as he allows me to be. I care about him more than you know. I can assure you, I will treat him the best I know how.” Arianna squeezed me. I could hear her sniffle in my ear.
“Thanks, Gia. I better go and let you get back to Christoff.” Arianna’s eyes were watering. I didn’t want to see her cry, because it would make me cry. I knew what it felt like to be in her shoes.
“All right. I’ll see you, Arianna. Thanks for being so nice to me.”
“Likewise.” She turned away and bolted down the hall. I could tell she was overcome with emotion.
I watched her until she disappeared around the corner. She was very sweet and extremely beautiful. The fact that it didn’t work out between her and Christoff made me feel insecure. If a Sports Illustrated model with a big heart, a perfect body, and a pretty face couldn’t keep his attention for the long haul, I was wondering how could I. My stomach was tight as I walked toward Christoff’s room. It had been such a chaotic afternoon, I was hoping that Christoff and I could get some one-on-one time. I wasn’t certain about how things would end up between us, but I knew that all I wanted was to be near him. When I walked into his room, his face lit up. He looked vibrant despite being hooked up to machines.
“Gia, I’m so glad to see you. It was like Jerry Springer in here earlier. But now that you’re back, I suddenly feel at peace.” He smiled.
I smiled back. “Well maybe if you didn’t have so many ladies chasing after you, life wouldn’t be so chaotic,” I said more dryly than I intended. I was trying to make a playful jab but the look on Christoff’s face was anything but playful. I walked over and sat by his bed side.
He took my hand. “I want you to know that I didn’t ask for either of them to show up here. I hope that their visits didn’t make you uncomfortable.”
“I don’t want to be selfish, especially not while you’re injured… But no, I didn’t like being forced to meet your exes. I have nothing against them, but it did not feel good to have other women here visiting you while I’m here. I mean, not that I have any say, because it’s not like I’m your girlfriend or anything… or… am I?” My stomach was doing somersaults. I never expected to be having this conversation under these circumstances. As I waited for him to respond, I could hear my own heartbeat pounding inside of my head.
“Gia, I wanted to talk to you about that.” He squeezed my hand. “I really appreciate you being here for me, by my side, even though I’m at my worst right now. I have to be honest, I could not have stayed sane through the last twenty-four hours without you. You bring so much light into my life, Gia. You’re beautiful, intelligent, and interesting. But what really draws me to you is your strength. You’re one of the strongest women I have ever met, and I wish that I could be as strong and resilient as you are when it comes to relationships.” He paused.
I brushed his hair out of his face and squeezed his hand as I waited for him to continue. The silence between us had my stomach in knots.
His voice was solemn when he spoke again. “I wish that I could be like you. You’ve been through so much but it seems you’ve never given up on love. But me, I’m… I’m just different.”
“What do you mean?” I asked hesitantly.
“I mean—I’m sorry. I just don’t think I have it in me to be in a relationship right now. I never wanted to go into this with you because I don’t even like admitting it to myself. But when I came back for you last year, Gia, I put everything on the line. I told you how much I loved you, and I asked you for what seemed like the hundredth time to be with me, and you chose another man over me. When you did that, something inside of me died. I’d never put myself out there like that before, and your rejection broke me. I don’t think I have it in me to do it again.”
“I ‘m sorry I hurt you Christoff. I was so self—” I interjected.
He held up his hand to silence me. I allowed him to continue. “When you made your choice in L.A., I told you that I would always love you. But I was clear that I wouldn’t wait for you.” He rushed on, “I’m not trying to be a jerk here. I care about you immensely, but I just don’t know if I can let you in again. I’m so sorry.” I could hear the s
incerity in his voice. He squeezed my hand. My eyes welled with tears as I squeezed back.
It took what seemed like forever to find my words.
“So that’s it? You’re not even going to give what we have a shot? What happened to that strong, brave man I met last year who could bounce back from anything? What happened to him, Christoff?” I spoke passionately. A wave of anger washed over me. I hated myself for hurting Christoff the way I had done, but for some reason I couldn’t stop myself from lashing out. Perhaps I was projecting.
“I don’t mean to be over-the-top, but you deserve to hear it straight. I’m running on empty, Gia. I don’t have anything left to give you. I gave you all I had last year, and it wasn’t enough. I’m not trying to be vindictive. I do love you, Gia, and, of course, I enjoy spending time with you. Being around you makes life feel almost perfect. We have a lot of fun together. But I’m just not ready to put myself out there for something serious. I hope you understand.”
“I wish that I could believe you, Christoff, but I feel like the only reason you won’t commit to me is because you just want to have the freedom to play around with other girls. You like having options, that’s all this is.” I snatched my hand away from his and wiped my tears away.
“Gia, it’s not about that. Don’t make this harder than it has to be. I still want us to be a part of each other’s lives. I just can’t do a relationship right now.”
“No, Christoff, I’m not going to wait around for you to finally decide you want to settle down while you enjoy having every model in the industry fawn all over you. I have more respect for myself than that. I can’t let you waste any more of the most valuable years of my life. I’ll be twenty-seven soon, and you’re almost thirty. I hope you come to your senses before you lose your looks and your status. You’re not going to be the pick of the litter forever, Christoff. One day, all the options you have today just aren’t going to be there. I hope you find someone patient enough to wait around for you, but I’m sorry, I am not that woman. I love you, and I hope you find what you’re looking for, but I have to go.” I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. He pulled me into him, and I rested my head lightly on his chest as I let go and cried so hard that I lost my breath. He stroked my hair.
I realized I had no right to say all the things I’d said to him especially in the way that I’d said it. But I did believe the words I spoke to be true. Maybe I didn’t deserve to have Christoff as my boyfriend. I had made some stupid and selfish decisions in the past. And I wasn’t behaving much better now. But he had hurt me too and I couldn’t stand knowing that I would always have to compete with every woman in the industry for Christoff’s loyalty. I breathed in his scent as I continued to cry.
“I’ve told you before, I’m not worth crying over, Gia. I’m sorry that I’m hurting you. It makes me feel terrible inside,” Christoff whispered in my ear as he continued stroking my hair. We held each other in silence for what had to be several minutes before I slowly pulled away.
“I’ve got to get out of here. There is no use in delaying the inevitable. I think staying will just make things worse for both of us.” I paused and drew an uneven breath. “I hope you heal quickly, and I mean both on the inside and the outside.” I kissed him on the forehead.
“You do the same, Gia.” I could feel his eyes on my back as I started toward the door.
I turned back to face him, but I couldn’t bring myself to meet his gaze. “Please don’t hate me for what I did to you,” I whispered before covering my mouth with my hand and bolting into the hallway.
Chapter 3
It had been a week since I had walked out of Christoff’s hospital room and left him immobile and broken in every sense of the word. I was struggling with a dangerous cocktail of mixed emotions. Part of me felt guilty for leaving him when he was down. I loved him more than I had ever loved any man before. I wanted to be there for him when he needed me most, but something told me it was best for both of us for me to leave him right then. I felt shame because I knew it was partially my fault that Christoff couldn’t give me what I wanted or needed from him. He wasn’t lying when he said he tried to step up and be with me. Last year, he did the best he could, and I pushed him away. I was angry at myself for making the decisions that got me to this point: no Trevor, no Christoff, and scars from both. Although it probably wasn’t justified, I was furious at Christoff for not saving me from my own self-destruction. Why couldn’t he just forgive me for the mistakes I made last year and forgive himself for his perceived limitations? I knew that we could be happy together, if only he would allow it.
I took a few deep breaths before sipping my chamomile and peppermint tea I’d made to soothe myself. I had decided during this breakup to stop drinking alcohol. I didn’t want to spiral down to the level that I’d reached when I first left Trevor. If anything, I wanted to learn from this and evolve into the woman I needed to be to attract the man that I wanted to be with.
I laid my head back on the couch cushions and closed my eyes. Why do I keep making decisions that destroy me and the people I care about? What is it? I seem like a masochistic glutton for heartbreak. How do I stop doing this? I sat in silence as I finished my tea. I had been spending a lot of time in silence lately, trying to figure out how I got in the position I was in and trying to figure out what my next move should be.
I was experiencing a lull in my career. Before the relationship with Trevor completely stripped me of my identity, all I wanted was my own entertainment news show. I had gotten a few lucky breaks along the way, and I cherished and savored every moment that I was on air. I hadn’t been on air since I had left Rock Hard TV, Trevor’s television network in L.A. Here in Chicago, there weren’t many television opportunities, and I didn’t have an agent, so I didn’t have access to the L.A. and New York markets. I was essentially stuck in terms of landing a TV gig.
I had finally reached some level of healing from the breakup, and I pulled myself together enough to land a few freelance writing gigs. Those were enough to make me feel busy, but it wasn’t advancing my career. And temporary gigs certainly didn’t pay the bills. My savings were depleting, and I wasn’t fulfilled with my life. Something needed to change. Ordinarily, I would call my best friend Amber when I was in a place like this, and we would hash it out. She always had a fresh perspective. Unfortunately, Amber was overseas on a world tour and totally unavailable. Besides, I didn’t want to wreck her focus at such an important time in her life. This was her biggest tour yet, and I wanted her to have the time and space she needed to succeed even if it meant suffering alone.
I was still angry at myself for falling for Trevor, even though he warned me to stay away. To add insult to injury, I was extremely disappointed in myself for taking an on-air position that Trevor just handed to me. That was how he lured me out to L.A. in the first place. I felt silly for being so gullible. Taking that on-air position from Trevor violated my values. I have always abhorred nepotism, and I always felt in my heart of hearts that people should only get something based on merit, not based on who they know. Also, taking that position took away my independence. He owned the network, so if I wanted to keep the position, I was always at his mercy.
Although it was over, in hindsight, I felt ridiculously stupid for stripping myself of my own autonomy and putting myself in such a subservient position. One of the main reasons I refused to move to Germany with Christoff was because I didn’t want to give up my independence. He took it as a sign that I didn’t trust him to care for me and provide for me. Ironically, it wasn’t that I didn’t trust him but that I trusted myself more—at that time.
But clearly, I should not be trusted, at least not when it came to love. What I had gone through with Trevor and what I was going through now with Christoff was probably karmic payback for my bad choices. I should probably stop feeling sorry for myself and accept that I had a hand in breaking my own heart, multiple times over. Even if I could get over my dark past with Trevor and the emptiness I was feeling no
w over my perpetually dysfunctional love life I didn’t know if I could ever forgive myself for hurting Christoff.
As my mind was churning memories and regrets from the past, I got a sudden burst of energy. It was a mix of rage, restlessness, and the desire for change. I felt like it would be a good idea to go on a walk around my neighborhood. I spontaneously jumped up and grabbed my sneakers and iPod. I briefly considered changing into workout clothes, but I didn’t want to lose my urge to go out into the sunshine. I had been spending too much time behind closed doors and inside my head. I needed to push myself outside, so I could get some fresh air and a fresh perspective. I shoved my earbuds in my ears and stormed out the door with urgency. I didn’t know where I was in such a hurry to get to, but I suddenly wanted to get out.
A burst of warm summer breeze greeted me as my feet pounded the pavement. I took my earbuds out so that I could allow myself to be completely absorbed by the essence of Mother Nature. I enjoyed the sound of birds chirping and children playing in the distance. I remembered that I enjoyed my neighborhood. Even though I lived in the big city, Ravenswood had a cozy suburbs feel to it. All of the yards were beautifully landscaped, and there were always adorable young families on the streets. My walks around the area always made me feel at peace no matter what kind of chaos was going on in my life. I wished that I would have thought to get out into the sunshine sooner, instead of spending all of those days lost inside of my head.
I picked up my pace into a power walk, as I roamed the streets with no specific destination. I smiled at all of the cute dogs that crossed my path. I realized I must have been scowling, because my facial muscles felt odd when I smiled. It felt good. The cloud that had been following me around started to lift.
I broke into a jog. It felt amazing—like I was breaking free from chains that were binding me. As I ran, feeling the wind blow through my hair, I decided that if I was ever going to move forward, I had to forgive myself for my mistakes. I believed that everything happens for a reason and that there had to be lessons I was supposed to learn from going through hell. I decided that this was the last day I was going to allow myself to wallow over hurting Christoff and allowing myself to get lured into a dysfunctional relationship with Trevor. I decided that I was no longer going to resist and silently fight against Christoff’s decision not to pursue a relationship with me. He was probably smart not to jump into something right after each of our respective breakups, and while we were both so vulnerable from the accident. I started to realize that the right thing to do was to let Christoff go so that he could heal and be happy. And I’d eventually need to forgive myself so that I could be happy, too. Maybe I needed this time to myself to heal and to grow. I decided that, instead of beating myself up over everything that happened, I would do my best to learn from it. It was time to let go of the person I was during the relationship with Trevor, and even the person who felt incomplete without Christoff. It was time to step up and grow into the woman I was supposed to become and to create a life that made me happy.
