by A. A. Bell
‘I can’t stay here! You don’t know; you can’t.’ She sniffled and wiped her nose with a clenched fist, fighting tears that would make her stitches sting. ‘You simply can’t imagine what it’s like for me.’
‘Don’t bet on that.’ His tone darkened. ‘I know exactly what it’s like to be locked up. For six years, freedom became a concept that survived only in my dreams.’
‘You must be really dumb if that’s how long it took to train you to work with children!’
‘Actually, I spent that time in jail.’
Mira shivered, feeling a brief surge of empathy for him at the same time as revulsion. ‘You’re a criminal?’
‘Never. That was a mistake; one that I’ve had to endure, like you have to endure this.’
‘I don’t want to endure anything here! I want to escape!’
‘I understand that. In time it should be possible, but if you don’t learn the skills that you need to conquer your demons here first, they’ll only follow you out there, wherever you go. Here, I can help you defeat them. Here, I can help you plan ahead thoroughly so you never have to worry about your past creeping up on you. Tomorrow starts today, with everything we do or say.’
Mira shook her head. ‘I can’t stay here! It’s far worse than a jail for me.’
‘I know it must be much harder being blind but —’
‘It’s not that! It’s how they. how they. ‘ She sucked in a breath, growing uncomfortable as she sensed him waiting, watching. or worse, reaching out to her. ‘It’s how they touch me!’ She shrivelled away from him, hoping that any hand he might have extended had recoiled back to him.
‘You mean,’ he said, faltering, ‘... inappropriately?’
‘Inappropriately? What does that mean? They touch me; touch me all the time, everywhere, anywhere, and always when I’m not expecting it!’
‘Oh.’ He sounded relieved. ‘I thought you meant someone had touched you... er... privately.’
‘Yes, that’s what I said. They’re always invading my privacy. Like you are now.’
‘No, I mean, has anyone — any man, or woman either, I guess — ever been alone with you when they’ve touched you in a way that’s made you feel uncomfortable. sexually?’
Mira trembled, her mind filling with the image of a man looming over her. He peeled back her bedsheets and reached for her feet, but her blurry memory seemed just as real as her first experience of him and now she couldn’t be sure if he’d been real or just a nightmare.
Ben touched her arm gently but his skin stung like electricity. She recoiled away from him.
‘I can’t help you, unless you explain your problem to me.’
‘I don’t need your help,’ she shouted. ‘I want to go home. That’s already more than you need to know. Unless you really are lying about letting me go?’
‘I’m not. For your sake, though, I’d rather watch you go when you’re so well prepared that you won’t ever have to come back. Wouldn’t you prefer it that way too?’
‘Can you cure these?’ She pointed at her mutilated eyelids. ‘Or the sickness behind them? It’s in my genes, Ben! Fragile X syndrome. Don’t you know what that means?’ She laughed hysterically. ‘It’s hopeless because I’m hopeless! Just get away from me.’
‘Hopeless? That’s not true, or you wouldn’t be out here hoping to find something out there that isn’t back up the driveway. Think about that, Mira. In all your
life, where has your hope been the strongest? On this side of the wall? Or back there, where it burned so hot that it drove you out here?’
‘That wasn’t hope, it was desperation!’
‘Are you sure? It seems to me that there’s more hope, and chance for more hope, concentrated for you inside Serenity than anywhere else. In fact, I think that’s probably the real reason why you ended up here and not out there in a cemetery. Because there are plenty of people — in the government and society as well as here — who care enough to ensure that you get the treatment you need.’
‘Pah! I’d prefer the cemetery!’
‘Would you really?’
No, she thought, but didn’t admit it. In her mind’s eye, she glimpsed herself standing in the breeze of an open window and began to wonder how different her life might have been if Ben, or someone like him, had been assigned to work with her from the very beginning.
‘It’s too late!’ she argued. ‘Nobody has been able to help me. Not here, or anywhere else since the orphanage.’
‘I’ll argue with that too,’ he replied cheerily. ‘I’ve been with you how long today? It’s not even morning tea and we’ve already made more progress than you’ve had with anyone else in your file. Or am I wrong somehow?’
Mira swiped another sniffle away from her nose with her fist. ‘My life is a prison. In there, out there. You said it yourself. I’ll never be free. Not anywhere.’
‘Define freedom. And take me for an example. I’m no longer in jail, but I still have to live by all the rules of employment and society. We all have to learn how to cope.’
‘How can you teach me anything here? By teaching me Braille? Or how to walk with a cane? I alreadyknow those things! I learned out there, copying my mother for years before I developed my own symptoms!’
‘That’s great, but there’s more to it, Mira. We can do things, go places and learn new skills to help rebuild a fresh life for you. Meet new people too. Wouldn’t you like that?’
‘I’m a freak! Are you blind now too? There’s only one place I can go where I can be myself, and that’s not here.’
‘That’s what I mean too. So long as you have somewhere you desperately want to go, you have two wonderful things: hope and a goal. These also give me the foundations and direction I need to help you focus to achieve your dreams. Come on, admit it. Haven’t you already pictured yourself at home, doing something that helps you to fully appreciate it?’
Mira saw herself again standing in a breeze, this time high on the broad branch of a gum tree.
‘See? I knew it. Your face just relaxed, so there’s no point denying it. You can do this. You can go home.’
‘My home, though. You’re talking about my home, right? With the treehouse where I grew up?’
‘Of course. The wheels of bureaucracy turn slowly, Mira. I didn’t see anything in your file to suggest it’s been sold yet to pay for your medical care.’
She grappled for his chest, found his shirt and pulled herself closer. ‘You’re serious? You’d really take me home?’
‘Hey, careful.’ His feet shuffled noisily. ‘Yes, yes. It won’t be fulltime at first. We have to start with a day trip.’
Her heart pounded higher in her chest with excitement. ‘Why hasn’t anyone ever mentioned this?’
‘I’m sure they have, but perhaps you weren’t ready to listen?’
‘Too drugged more like it.’
She bit her lip and pushed away from him, instantly recognising her mistake. Too late to take it back or hide it. It wouldn’t be long now, she guessed, before he realised that she was far more awake than she should have been by now, and he’d remember the portions of breakfast that she’d left untouched: the cereal and the strawberry jam on toast that tasted bitter and gritty. Then, next time, he’d mash the dose of tablets more thoroughly, like the others.
‘Trust me,’ he said as if he’d read that thought from her expression too. ‘Or don’t trust me. That particular choice is one that’s already yours and always has been. But I really feel as if we’re making more progress, and if you could just relax enough to let me through that rawhide barrier of yours, I believe we could get to the meat underneath and what’s really eating you.’
‘I knew it!’ she said, recoiling inside as well as away from him. ‘You’re just like the others. You beg and plead and manipulate me. Then it’s slap, bam, needle, ma’am, and I’m flat on my back in a straitjacket.’
‘Mira, I couldn’t care less about your hallucinations. What’s in the past, is in the past, and wi
th your eyes stitched shut as well, there’s no chance they won’t stay there. I’m talking about the big bad horrible wolf that’s lurking somewhere in your head and keeps biting anyone who tries to get close enough to help you.’
‘Liar! You’re just trying to confuse me. You still want me to go back there with you.’
‘I am not lying. I would be, though, if I said I didn’t care about what happens to you. Stay or go: neither solves anything unless something big changes — inside you or out there in society. Otherwise, you may think freedom is on the mainland, but how will you ever manage to sleep nights never knowing when someone’s coming to get you? But if we go back up the hilltogether now, as your first reward, I’ll apply for a day pass.’
‘Are you kidding? Today?’
‘Why not? If I don’t earn your trust honestly, I’ll never keep it.’
‘This isn’t a trick? You mean a day trip to my home, right?’
‘Of course. If I started taking girls to my home, my mother would freak out. Hey, maybe that’s not such a bad idea?’ He chuckled, but she got the impression it was humour for himself.
Her mouth fell open. ‘You still live with your mother?’
‘She lives with me actually; moved in to house-sit while I was in jail and we both work such long hours we haven’t really talked about when she might move out again.’
‘I never imagined you people having families.’
‘I’ve got a dog too. Big old goofy bugger who hogs my bed every night. So what do you say?’ He coughed, and it made him sound weaker. ‘Do you want to start a new life today? Or run away from the chance now, and perhaps forever?’
Mira shivered at the thought of going back inside, of being dragged back by force or returning willingly. One did appeal more than the other, but not by much.
‘I never had a dog,’ she said to distract herself. Her family had always preferred to adopt orphaned wildlife.
Standing up, she shuffled to the edge of the shelter where the soft drizzle kissed her face again. A branch rustled nearby and she tensed. Listening to the sounds of the island, though, she couldn’t hear anyone preparing to tackle her. Perhaps they would if she made the wrong decision? She sniffed the breeze. If they were hiding, it wasn’t downwind.
‘Today?’ she persisted. ‘I can go home today?’
‘Today? Well, er. I can ask for approval for a day pass today like I said, but it takes about a day to get approved, so the trip will more likely be tomorrow — which is even better, because it gives us the advantage of an early start and a whole day out. Just for a visit, you have to understand. If you want to earn self-sufficiency, you’ll have to learn it, step by step, and that’s going to take even more time, Mira. Time and sizeable doses of persistence until you can convince Matron Sanchez and a panel of other psychologists that you’re safe to live by yourself out there, around other people.’
‘Oh, I get it now. Time, as in a whole lifetime.’
‘I didn’t say that. Be fair. It’s hard to say how much time you’ll need because you haven’t opened the door properly yet to my help. Sure,’ he said, his voice draining steadily of its energy, ‘you’ve cracked a window, and from the glowing potential I can see in your heart, I dare say it will take you far less time to progress than anyone else here; perhaps only a few weeks or months until you can sleep at home overnight. Isn’t that soon enough, considering your alternatives?’
‘So what’s the catch?’
‘No catch. Unless you count the fact that Matron Sanchez will still be expecting us to make our doctors’ appointments this morning.’
‘Specialists,’ she corrected.
‘Specialists,’ he agreed. ‘So, is that a yes? You want to go back with me?’
Her mouth opened, but nothing came out. Her feet wouldn’t move either.
‘Mira?’ he prompted, sounding more and more tired. ‘Is it time to get the wheelchair?’
‘No! If I’m going, nobody’s going to push me. Not ever again!’
‘I meant for me, actually.’ He grunted, his feet shuffling as if he was struggling to stand. He failed and his weight slumped onto the seat again. ‘I’m sorry to say this, but you’ll have to push me.’
‘No!’ Her heart fell as she imagined the humiliation of returning not only beaten but also broken. ‘How can you preach about trust, then try to make me your servant?’
‘It’s not what you think,’ he said, sounding even weaker. ‘I ran. through broken glass and I’m. bleeding. Feel stupid, but I. Sorry, I. think I’m going to.’
‘Ben?’
Mira touched his shoulder but got no response.
‘Ben, talk to me!’
She fumbled to find his cheek and slapped it.
‘No! You can’t faint!’
Panicking, she slapped him twice more.
‘They’ll blame me!’
PART TWO
The Prophecies of Freddie Leopard
The reward of suffering
is experience
Aeschylus
SIX
Matron Sanchez left with a smile on her face, leading the twig-haired old woman by the hand and promising to ensure a constant flow of volunteers to follow.
‘It’s too warm in here,’ Zhou complained as soon as she was out of earshot. He bruised his thumb on the window latch, discovering it was rusted shut. ‘The ambient temperature has to be noticeably cooler or else the sensors might start misinterpreting minor variations in body heat as the day grows warmer.’
‘Over here,’ called Private Lockman. He stood in the doorway, still keeping watch on the hall, but had found an air-conditioning control near the light switch. ‘The scale has worn off, but I’ve turned it as low as it can go — I think.’
‘We’ll know soon enough,’ replied Van Danik. He chewed off the head from his third jelly snake, peeled off his leather jacket and hung it over the back of a chair, revealing his black short-sleeved muscle-shirt, which had already grown wet with sweat from his armpits.
Zhou also noticed the red flush still apparent on Van Danik’s face, but knew him well enough to guessit had nothing to do with the stuffiness in the room. In four years of collaboration, he’d never seen anyone unsettle Mitch as well as the podgy little matron had. He wondered how long it would last. Swiftly, he set to the task of recalibrating elements of their equipment. At the neighbouring table, Van Danik tapped notes onto his holographic keyboard — a smart-light projection from a pocket-sized hard-drive unit that was much lighter than a laptop and sturdier for travelling. Nevertheless, the software often failed to load the first time after passing through airport security. ‘Tu scronium es!’ Mitch swore, shaking his fist at it until the glitch stabilised and he could finally add captions to the first two sets of fingerprints they’d taken.
Hawthorn glanced at him, giving a kick to the empty bags that he’d shoved aside to ensure a fast-exit route to the door. ‘What language is that, Doc? It sounds nasty.’
‘Latin,’ Zhou replied for his colleague, recognising the mood that always went with it. ‘He just called his laptop a whore. Beware, a bear always bites if you poke it. Back away quietly.’
Hawthorn chuckled but didn’t take the hint. ‘You should channel your aggression, Doc. You’re already built like a line backer. Why not hook up with Lockman and me when we get back to Sandy Creek? We’d make a formidable team on the field.’
‘Pallas meas lambe,’ Van Danik muttered without looking up.
Hawthorn glanced at Zhou.
‘Meas lambe means “lick my", so you can guess the rest.’
‘Maybe not,’ Van Danik said, ‘if he needs everything spelled out for him. Let’s try body language.’ He pointed at the door.
‘No can do yet, Doc. I gotta make sure you’re settled in and safe here, right?’
Van Danik frowned and went back to his work. As he leaned across the tangle of wires to shake a loose connection to a video tripod, his long neck-chain swung out, triggering the delete key with the Christian
cross and Jewish Star of David hanging from it; two of an assortment of steel charms from every religion. He muttered in Latin as he tucked them back inside his T-shirt, then made the correction.
‘So what’s with all that?’ Hawthorn said as he bumped past Zhou to check the view from the window.
‘Polygraph,’ Zhou said. ‘Careful. This isn’t a football field.’
Hawthorn chuckled and pointed at Van Danik. ‘I meant all that.’
‘In layman’s terms,’ Van Danik snapped, ‘it’s a lie detector. But our modifications make it far more reliable than any of the barbaric and unreliable interrogation methods you would have learned at boot camp. We deal in precision — retinal scans, blood pressure, body temperature and fluctuations in the electromagnetic fields around the subject’s hands, head and chest — so between the localised EEGs of brain activity and the ECGs of the heart, we can tell if someone’s lying before they know it themselves.’
‘That’s nice, Doc, but I already knew all that from our briefing with Colonel Kitching. I was talking about your neck-chain. I’ve never met a scientist who worshipped one god let alone so many. I thought the two concepts were incompatible?’
‘On the contrary. Science shows the way the heavens go, while religions show the way to go to heaven. That’s a premise as old as Galileo, by the way; basic high-school science or history, if you made it that far?’
‘I made it far enough to know that science is supposed to provide verifiable answers for everything. But you’ve got so many symbols there — surely you don’t mean to suggest that all religions are equally valid?’
‘Einstein believed in God.’
Hawthorn laughed. ‘That’s hardly an answer. More likely, he believed in hedging his bets.’
‘It’s not hedging bets! It’s accommodation for all possible outcomes; a valid mathematical concept.’
