by Nina Levine
“Get the fuck off her,” I thundered. Blood pumped through my body and rage filled my vision.
Red, fucking rage.
I wanted to knock the shit out of this motherfucker.
And I tried. I ripped him off her, spun him around and shoved him to the ground. A moment later my fist connected with his face and I punched him so hard that blood flew onto the carpet. I continued my assault, oblivious to the world around me. All that mattered in that moment was my uncontrollable urge to make him hurt. I pummelled him with punch after punch. What Carla was doing with a dickhead like him was beyond me. And for him to fucking smirk at me like that just proved to me that he wasn’t worthy of her. I knew his type. And hell would fucking freeze over before I allowed my sister to give herself to someone like him.
“Nash!”
My arm stopped mid-punch and I looked up to see my mother standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips. She was pissed off.
Fuck.
Pissing my mother off was not a good move, and doing it on Mother’s Day was a really fucking bad move.
Begrudgingly, I straightened. I divided my attention between my mother and the asshole on the floor. My pleasure at seeing him almost unconscious was short-lived when both my mother and Carla started ranting at me.
“You can be a real asshole, Nash,” Carla fumed, her face clouding with anger. She tried to shove past me to get to her boyfriend.
Jesse.
Who the fuck names their son, Jesse?
I blocked her attempt, holding my arm out to keep her away. At the same time, Jesse groaned and caught my attention. His face was covered in blood; I’d probably broken his nose.
He deserved it.
Motherfucker.
I twisted my head to look at Carla. “What the fuck are you doing with him again?”
“That is none of your bloody business.” Quick tempers ran in our family and hers flared up instantly.
“Like hell it isn’t.” I slashed my hand in front of me in a circular motion, pointing to my mother and other sister, Erika, who were glaring at me. “It’s all of our business after what he did to you the last time.”
Carla sucked in a breath, but her anger didn't dissipate. “I’ve forgiven him and you need to let it go.”
I shook my head. “No fuckin’ way, babe. And you need to have more self respect.”
Hurt flashed across her face, but she covered it quickly. My sister was good at hiding her pain from the world. Christ, my whole family was good at that shit. She took a step back; it looked like she was getting ready to flee. Another thing we were good at; running. “Nash, I’m a twenty-two year old woman, for God’s sake. I’m old enough to make my own decisions. I don’t need you stepping in with your fists to sort out my life. You should spend your time and energy sorting out your own shit rather than screwing your way into oblivion and getting in my face.”
“Enough!” my Mother finally stepped in. “Nash,” she pointed towards the hallway, “Kitchen. Now.”
I scowled at the room. How the hell had this become my fault?
At that moment, Jesse pushed up off the ground and turned on me. “You’re a dickhead, Nash, and you’d better watch your fucking back.”
His face was a wash of blood and that made me fucking ecstatic but he had to be hallucinating if he thought I needed to watch my back. I shook my head at him and his naivety. My rage hadn’t calmed though, and I decided it was best to walk away from him now. For my Mother. It was Mother’s Day after all. But I stepped into his space one last time. “You fuck with my sister again and a broken nose will be the least of your problems.” We glared at each other for a moment, hostility churning between us, and then I stalked out of the room.
***
“What’s up your ass today?” Erika asked as she entered the kitchen. Just over five feet of fierce female energy packaged in the softest and most feminine looking woman I’d ever seen. Erika was one woman I didn’t mess with. She’d retrieved the groceries I dropped and thrust the bags at me while hitting me with a dirty look.
“You can’t tell me you’re happy that Carla’s back with that dickhead,” I muttered.
“No, but it’s her life, Nash. At some point you’ve got to stop being the overprotective older brother and give her the space to make her own choices.” She raised her hand at me as I opened my mouth to reply. “And you’ve got to let her fail.”
“Fuck that. I don’t want her to fail.” My eyes narrowed on her. “Why would you want her to fail?”
She sighed. “I don’t want her to, but it’s how we learn in life. You know that. Shit, with all the screw ups you’ve made in life and all the shit you’ve been through, you know that failing teaches us how to be better; how to do better.”
“Yeah, and with all the shit I’ve been through, I want to use what I’ve learnt and help her not make the same mistakes.” I blew out a long, frustrated breath.
She started unpacking the groceries and putting them away. Erika never could stay still for very long; she was always on the go. “Tell me something; if someone had advised you not to do the things you did that ended up being mistakes, would you have listened to them?”
“Maybe.”
She stopped what she was doing and trained her eyes on me. “Bullshit.”
Why did she always have to be right? Begrudgingly, I admitted, “Okay, so maybe not.”
“How about, definitely not? You were a handful; so determined to get into all kinds of shit. And don’t even get me started on the stuff you did after Gabriella -”
I cut her off right there. Fury circled the room. It reached into my soul and forced its way into my mind. As hard as I tried to control it, to stop it gaining any power over me, there was no way I could. I was no match for it. I towered over Erika and let the fury explode out of me and shatter around us. “She does not exist to me so don’t fucking say her name. Ever. Again.”
I remained standing over her, panting heavy breaths and trying desperately to get my shit together. My mind was a mess of thoughts; thoughts I didn’t fucking want in there. Thoughts I’d spent years jamming into the dark recesses to avoid them. My chest tightened into a painful knot of heaviness and the demons beckoned from hell, calling my name with a lustful resonance .
I needed to get out of here.
Now.
But I couldn’t.
Fuck.
I shoved my hand through my hair and attempted to calm my breathing. This day started off bad and had quickly escalated to completely fucked.
“I’m sorry.” Erika snapped me out of my inner turmoil and forced my attention back to reality.
My eyes darted to hers and I processed the distressed look on her face.
She laid her hand on my arm.
Gentle.
Soothing.
Calming.
I focused on breathing.
In. Out. In. Out.
“Nash.” She tried to reach me but I was still clawing my way out of the abyss.
Give me a minute. I’m nearly there.
I sensed movement behind me; sensed another presence in the room. Noise and talking. But I couldn’t drag myself out yet.
And then arms wrapped around me from behind.
Love.
Tenderness.
Carla.
I forced out a long, harsh breath and gulped for air.
“Fuck,” I muttered.
Carla squeezed me, not wanting to let me go. I placed my hands on her arms. “It’s okay. I’m okay. You can let me go now.”
“You sure?” She hesitated.
“Yeah.”
Her arms released me and I turned to face her. She looked as distressed as Erika had. Worry coloured her face and I hated that I’d put it there. Me and my shit. I pulled her into a rough embrace. My hand cupped the back of her neck, and my lips brushed across her forehead.
We held each other for a moment and then she looked up into my eyes. “You need to deal with that once and for all.”
<
br /> “I have.”
She shook her head. “No, you haven’t, Nash. And it’s time you started being honest with yourself about it.” Her voice held no judgement; there was only love there. And for that, I couldn’t be mad at her.
***
An hour later, I wandered back into the kitchen. I’d just spent the last forty minutes working on Mum’s car.
Erika was cooking dinner and gave me her attention for a moment. “All fixed?”
“Yeah, but there will be something else next week. That car is a piece of junk and she needs to get a new one.”
“She won’t spend the money, you know that.” She told me something I already knew.
“One day it’ll disappear out of her garage and there will be a new one in it’s place. I’m not a mechanic anymore and the only engine I want to work on is my own.”
“You can’t just replace her car, Nash. She loves that -”
“Piece of shit,” I finished her sentence, and then continued, “You watch me.”
She fell silent for a moment before asking, “What time is Jamison arriving?”
I watched her juggle stirring the casserole and scrolling on her phone. “What the fuck are you doing?” I eventually asked.
She hit me with a dirty look. “I’m trying to see what the next thing is to add to this casserole. And you didn’t answer my question.”
Our brother was always late. “He’ll be here soon,” I answered as I walked towards her. “What are you cooking?”
“That beef casserole that Mum likes.”
I peered into the pot and then eyed her. “Seriously? You need to read the recipe to make that?”
Another dirty look from her. “You want to make it?”
Leaning my back against the bench, I muttered, “Well I sure as shit wouldn’t need the recipe. By the looks of it, you need to add the mushrooms now.”
She continued to scowl at me, but did as I suggested before saying, “Mum doesn’t like Carla’s boyfriend either. You know that, right?”
“I figured. Not sure why she lets him in the house though.”
“Because Carla still lives here and she respects her enough to let her live her own life.”
It was hurting my ears to listen to this shit. “Babe, you’ve got ten years on Carla and I’ve got twelve, and we both fuckin’ know that she can do a lot better than that prick. He shared his dick around the last time they were together; I’m not sure what makes her think this time will be different.”
“She’s young, Nash. She grew up with no father figure except for you and Jamison, and while you both did an amazing job, she’s suffered because of Dad leaving us. Her self worth is shot to shit and so she lets guys treat her like Jesse does.”
“Fuck, Erika, why do you always have to be so fuckin’ understanding of stuff? For once, why can’t you join the rest of us and admit what a prick he is? And that Carla needs to open her eyes and see what’s right in front of her.”
“I’m not understanding,” she huffed, “I’m just giving you my opinion on why she is the way she is.”
Before I could say anything more, Jamison made his entrance, his arms full with flowers, wine and chocolate. He lifted his chin at me before filling the kitchen table with his gifts, and asked, “You in trouble again, shithead?”
“Always,” I grinned at Erika who rolled her eyes at me. I nodded at the stuff he’d put on the table, “What are you sucking up to Mum for?”
“It’s Mother’s Day, you’re supposed to bring presents. You were probably too busy screwing some chick to go shopping, weren’t you?”
I smirked at him, “Well, if you’ve got it, use it. Next time you feel the urge to hit the shops, just send your woman over to me; I’ll take care of her for you.”
“Now see that’s where you’re wrong, little brother. The way I treat a woman when I take her shopping? Guarantees me the best fucking orgasm when I get her home.”
Erika butted in, “God, will you two ever grow up?” She’d finished with the casserole and was now cleaning up. Pointing at the cupboards, she said, “Nash, you need to set the table; Jamison, you can help me with the food.”
Anyone would have thought that Erika was the oldest from the way she bossed us around. I saluted her. “Yes, boss.”
She paused for a moment, and asked, “Why can’t you always just do what I say?”
“My middle name’s not easy, babe.”
Jamison chuckled. “You sure about that? I reckon we could find a football stadium of women who would disagree with that.”
Grinning, I nodded, “Probably right there, asshole.”
Erika just shook her head at me and Jamison continued laughing. The earlier tension between my sister and I had eased but the heaviness in my chest lingered. Mother’s Day never failed to fuck with me and today she’d dug her claws in deep.
***
“Will I see you again this week?” my mother asked as she hugged me goodbye.
“Probably not, I’ve got a lot going on at the club.”
She let me go and I reached for Carla. Wrapping my arms around her, I whispered in her ear, “You need to ditch that asshole.”
She tried to pull away from me but I tightened my hold on her.
“Nash, let me go,” she complained, fighting me.
Doing as she asked, I stepped back and caught her gaze, “You deserve so much better. I wish you could see that.”
“Yeah, like you do too,” she countered.
“I don’t fuckin’ deserve anything,” I muttered, and turned to Erika. “You still having problems with your neighbour?”
“Yeah, he’s getting worse, playing his music loud till all hours and yelling abuse at me whenever I try and talk to him about it. I actually think he’s got a mental health problem, because he’s so up and down.”
I scowled. “Doesn’t excuse his behaviour. Call me the next time it happens, okay?”
She sighed. “Nash, you’ll only make things worse. I think I’ll just call the police next time.”
“Fuck that, Erika. They’ll do jack shit. You let me talk to him once and he won’t give you grief again.”
She raised a brow. “So you’ll talk to him? Or will you resort to your favourite way of dealing with stuff?”
“Babe, my favourite way of doing stuff is with my mouth.” I winked at her. She was far too uptight.
She rolled her eyes. “You know what I mean.”
“I’ll only punch the motherfucker if he needs it. He listens to what I have to say, and promises not to annoy you anymore, then we’ll all be happy and no-one will end up with broken bones.”
She slung her bag over her shoulder and murmured, “Something tells me he won’t listen to you so I still think it’s best if I just call the police. I don’t want you to end up back in prison.”
Fuck, why did my sister have to be so headstrong? “I’m not going to end up in prison again. Just promise me you’ll call me.”
She’d already started walking towards the front door and yelled out over her shoulder, “Promise.”
I followed her out, with Mum, Jamison and Carla on my heels. Even though I didn’t believe her promise, I kept my mouth shut. There was no way she was going to agree to what I wanted so I simply decided to follow it up at some point during the week and sort the asshole out myself.
As she said her goodbyes to everyone, I received a text message.
Gabriella: Happy Mother’s Day, asshole.
Fuck.
The red rage blinded me again. It reached into my chest and threatened to squeeze the life out of me. At the same time, the pain engulfed me. Ten fucking years and the pain never left. It tore through me, lacerating my heart; the cold, patched together heart I still had even though I’d done my best to rip it out and throw it the fuck away.
“Nash!” My attention was drawn back to my family around me.
“What?” I snapped, looking wildly at them; my mind unable to focus clearly on what they were saying as it tried
to process jumbled thoughts and the relentless anguish that wouldn’t let me out of its grip. The anguish that on most days I dealt with, but on this fucking day, I struggled with. No fucking thanks to Gabriella.
My mother looked at my phone and then back at my face. “Gabriella?” she whispered.
My voice was caught somewhere in my chest so I simply nodded.
“You need to change your phone number,” she suggested, her kind eyes watchful over me. Hesitation was clear in her eyes too; she knew from experience that I wasn’t good at taking advice.
I fought the urge to ignore them all, jump on the back of my bike and get the hell out of here. That would be a lot easier than dealing with this shit. Again. I blew out a long breath. “No.” I was emphatic. I’d never do that. As hard as it was to negotiate this pain, I needed to remember what we’d done; what I’d done.
Annoyance flared on my mother’s face. “It’s been ten years since Aaron -”
“No!” I roared, anger pumping furiously through my body. That was it; I was done. I pushed past them all and stalked to my bike. Voices floated through the air but I had no idea what was being said; the only thing that mattered to me in that instant was getting the fuck out of here. Getting the fuck away from the memories and the pain, and finding a reprieve from the living hell I was in.
Chapter 3
Hard To Love ~ Lee Brice
Velvet
“See how that colour brings your eyes out?” I asked.
Harlow leaned forward and assessed herself in the mirror as I packed up the eyeshadows and makeup I’d used on her. She smiled and I knew I’d achieved my goal. “You’re right!” she exclaimed, and eyed me with excitement. “I’m not sure why I’ve never experimented with that colour before.”
“It’s easy to get stuck in a rut with your makeup; we all do it.”
“Thank you so much for forcing me to let you play with my makeup.”
“You make me sound like a bossy bitch.”
A voice boomed from behind us. “If the shoe fits.”
I turned and glared at Scott.
