by R. A. Ender
Despite the shortage, she had managed to acquire a few quite exciting outfits, all of which Richard had enjoyed a great deal. She had already decided on something a little more conservative tonight. She had selected a simple black nightgown that was slightly sheer but nothing that would be visible without looking closely, which unfortunately Richard could never do. But, with her request tonight, she felt it was more appropriate.
Satisfied that the system was properly adjusted, she took a seat at the end of the bed. She turned the display on to show her the image of herself. She fixed her hair a little and then adjusted how her nightgown fell across her body. She moved it a little to one side to reveal the cleavage on her left side. She also moved it aside to allow one leg to be revealed. Looking down, she debated about putting on some sexy shoes but decided against it.
I’m already all set, I don’t want to get up. Plus, he should connect in a minute and I want to be here and ready. She said to herself, fixing her hair again as it had fallen out of place while she was looking down.
Taking a deep breath, she exhaled slowly, trying to calm her nerves. He’ll say yes, he’ll say yes, he’ll say yes. She repeated to herself over and over again.
As she was about to check her dress again, the screen went black and suddenly Richard’s face filled the display. She instantly knew something was wrong because this was the first time he had ever connected to her without the biggest and happiest smile.
Selfishly, she thought of herself first and her question for him. Maybe today is not the right time if he is that unhappy. But that first thought was quickly pushed aside by her feeling of love and hurt for him.
“What’s wrong, honey?” Heather asked.
That question being the first words spoken seemed to force Richard to try to hide his feelings.
“Oh…sorry. I was just thinking about something, it is nothing. I’m sorry,” and with a forced smile, he said, “It is great to see you. You look terrific!”
Despite the brave face and words to cover his feelings, the large display showed Heather his true feelings. His eyes were tired, worried and sad. When he spoke to her they usually danced and sparkled. Even the great Fleet Admiral Richard Hilbornus could not hide his true feelings. At least not from his longest friend and soul mate.
“No, Richard, you are sad. What is wrong?”
Richard paused for a moment, obviously debating about how to proceed with this conversation. Heather knew that he was considering using his forceful personality to push her concern aside and move on with their usual conversation. She could also tell that he was considering opening up to her and seeking her help. Usually, she was the one being helped by Richard. Now, she was in a position to help him, and her heart told her she must. She could not let her soul mate remain sad, it hurt her too much.
“Please, hun, I want to make you happy. I hate seeing you so sad.”
That seemed to push Richard just enough for him to open up. He told her about the meeting with Longus, how he had failed to remove him again. He also explained Robin’s reaction, which seemed to be the true source of his sadness. A part of Heather was hurt by a pang of jealousy. She had always wondered about how Richard felt about Robin. They had been colleagues and worked side by side for their entire career it seemed. They had faced death together and that was a powerful emotional connection.
Despite it all, though, Richard had never admitted he had ever been intimate with Robin. He denied it whenever she had asked him in the past, though she had not asked him for some time. Part of her believed him because she saw them together at LaGuardius Seccus before the liberation battle. They worked together, they seemed to know what the other was thinking. But, in spite of that closeness and even friendship, they did not seem to share any intimacy. There was a warmth to Richard when he was even near her that he never had with Robin. That did not mean that her mind did not make her feel a little jealous, though.
But his recalling of the events had suddenly become his expressing how he was feeling, and that brought Heather back to focusing on making her lover happy again.
“I don’t know, Heather. Maybe she is right, maybe I have changed, and not for the better. I think that I fear failure for the first time. There is no guarantee that we will prevail in this war. We’ve liberated New Earth but nothing more. The IAE still dominates the Old Colony region. The Vev’tev and the Triumvirate sit neutral on the sidelines. Everyone else is either too far away or maintaining their own security. And Jupiter only knows if the CAC Agamemnon Dreadnaught is hidden in deep space or destroyed.”
“In the past, I’ve faced impossible odds, but I never felt like this. I have always maintained a discipline. I focus on what I can change and ignore what I can’t. I don’t worry about things I can’t control.”
“I took fleet command at the Siege of Veselyy when I hadn’t even commanded a ship of my own. I don’t remember being scared, I wasn’t afraid. I took command and we prevailed against incredible odds. My ship, with a fresh untested crew, stood at the head of a fleet that held the line at F’lwok. She stared down Imperial Dreadnaughts that could have incinerated our ship with the touch of a button.”
“And even in person, I managed the Lanwouk Crisis and brought mortal enemies who didn’t trust each other enough to sit at the same table to an ultimate agreement that is standing to this day and as far as I know has stood strong during this war when the Confederacy is not there to patrol the neutral zones.”
“I did all of that, and I was never afraid of failing. I never ever thought that I could not succeed, that I had no way to win.”
And now Richard took a breath and paused. Heather’s mind raced to think of something, anything, to say to bring him back. He seemed consumed with self-doubt and a sense of inevitability, though he had no control. But before she could speak, Richard continued on with a more calm and measured tone to his rapid fire tone of a moment ago.
“I just never thought about the future consequences as much as I do now. Ever since this war began and we fled to the Royalist worlds, I’ve been worried about failing. At first, I worried about failing you. I know now from reflecting on the past months that I pushed for that mission to free New Earth at least emotionally because I needed to save you. I couldn’t allow myself to fail you. And before you say it, yes, there were many rational and logical reasons why that mission was our best move, but there is no doubt in my mind that I invested all my effort in realizing that goal because of my love for you.”
“Since you are now safe and we are together, now my mind is off to worrying about failing everyone else, especially my crew. I’ve served with Mato since Veselyy. Etu, Sara, and Jennifer were all with me at the line, they were as much a part of that victory as I was. Now I’m consumed with failing them. Every decision comes with crippling worry about losing my ship, my fleet! I worry about all the souls who are trusting me to lead them around that corner into the unknown, boldly anticipating every problem and bringing them through alive. I feel the hope of every citizen of the Confederacy who is counting on our victory to ensure they and their children have a future. Every decision, I’m afraid I’m failing them.”
“And selfishly,” and Richard paused to look down for a moment. But only a moment, because he raised his head again slowly, and his watering eyes met hers. “And selfishly, and please don’t be jealous and hear this the wrong way, but now what hurts me the most is that I’m failing Robin. As a leader, I am crushed that someone who I care about so deeply, who I respect so much, feels I am failing them. It really hurts. She was the first executive officer I ever picked, the first member of my first crew of my first ship. We have been through more than anyone else in my entire life. I love her deeply and I can’t fail her.” Pausing again, the words Richard spoke almost as a reaction without thinking, suddenly sunk into his rational mind and he remembered to whom he was saying those words. “I’m sorry to say this to you, I’m sorry. It must make you feel awful. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it to sound like I think it did. I lo
ve you like no one else in the whole of the Confederacy. You are my dearest and oldest friend, my soul mate, and my one true love. I love you more than anything.”
Heather suddenly got a surge of something. She didn’t know what, but her body was acting without her being fully in control. She had seen into the core of this man, her love, Richard. She had seen him and she felt as though he was the best. He cared so much, and he cared so much for her. Her mind was now completely detached and her mouth moved without her having thought about the words, her body moved without her telling it to.
From inside her nightgown, she pulled out a small iron ring. It had been the ring her father had pledged to her mother. Even after he left her, her mother had always worn that ring. When she had asked her Mom why she would continue to wear something from a man that left her and her daughter, she had given a small sad smile and said, “because there was still love in the ring.” At the time, Heather had thought less of her Mom for still loving him despite all the hurt and pain. But when her Mom passed away, she had kept the ring. And now, she was realizing that her Mom was right, there was still love in the ring.
“Richard, don’t be sorry. You care so much for all the people around you. That is why you fear failure because you will hurt all of those people. Only someone that cares can fear.”
Pausing for a moment, Heather lifted the ring up so that it was clearly visible to the camera. “I also care so much for you, that I fear for you. I want you to be forever part of my life. Our lives have always been intertwined, but there has always been tomorrow. Now, the war has given me the perspective to realize that there will not always be a tomorrow for me to care for you. For me to love you. I want to make sure you are a part of my every tomorrow. Richard Hilbornus, will you marry me and allow me to wear this ring as a symbol of our commitment, our caring, and our love?”
Her hand was shaking. The ring was clutched between her fingers in her outstretched hand and she was afraid she would ruin the moment by dropping it.
Richard’s face was frozen for a time, but it cracked midway through her speech, and by the end, tears were streaming down his face. He took a quick inhale of breath before saying, “Nothing would make me happier than for you to wear that ring. Yes, I will marry you. Yes, I love you more than anything else in the universe. I love you, Heather Julia Severii.”
Heather slipped the ring onto her finger, took a deep breath, looked back up and smiled the biggest smile of her life. Richard was now smiling, and his eyes were dancing with true happiness.
“Now I really have something to fear losing!”
Heather thought for a moment. She had been planning how to ask Richard to marry her for days. This had not been the way she had thought it would happen despite conceiving hundreds of scenarios. She certainly had not expected Richard to confide in her that he was scared. And she hadn’t asked Richard to marry her expecting it to make that feeling worse. She was trying to make him happy.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I wanted to make you happy.”
Richard jumped in almost before she finished. “Don’t say you’re sorry. You haven’t made me feel bad, not at all. This is truly the happiest I have felt in my entire life.”
He now paused for a moment to take a breath and control his emotions, before continuing. “It is good to have something real to fear losing. I am afraid of losing you but it will steel me to my task, focus my attention and give me a drive, I know it. I can feel it!”
“I think perhaps my problem is not failing those around me. I think you all give me the strength to do what is right. Thinking about it now, I think I’ve been wallowing in self-doubt and worried about failing to meet expectations. Expectations others have of me, but also the expectations I have of myself. I don’t think I was really afraid of failing in the war, just my own inflated ego built over decades. Maybe I’m just afraid that all this,” and Richard paused to motion around his cabin, though he was clearly referring to his station in life. “Maybe all this is just luck, not the hard work and sacrifice that I’ve envisioned. I used to see myself as full of drive and ambition, impatient, taking risks. I think the war has just been throwing that image in my face and saying, you’ve lost something. I look at Longus and I see someone who has seized command of a fleet, takes risks, is aggressive, while I’ve stayed somewhere safe and familiar. I look at him and I wonder whatever happened to those things in me? I liked those things in me.”
Heather put her head down for a moment, thinking of what to say, and then she blurted out how she felt. “Richard, I think you are older, more experienced, a little more seasoned.”
As she spoke the words, she knew that she had chosen her words poorly. In the display, she could visibly see Richard’s back arch and his face contort unhappily.
“Seasoned! What a horrible description.” He said sadly, his shoulders drooping quickly.
Heather quickly jumped in with a more thoughtful analysis. “Richard, I don’t think you’ve lost a thing, and you’ve gained a lot more than you realize. You’re much more comfortable with yourself than you used to be. You’re happy commanding your ship. I know you love your colleagues like family. I can see how much training the next generation means to you. I think you are happier than I’ve ever known you to be.”
Sitting up straight, Heather delivered a sudden realization. A simple thought that summed up their entire conversation. “It really comes down to a simple question – what do you want, Richard Hilbornus?”
They both looked at each other silently for a moment, but it was Richard who spoke first.
“I want you.”1
1 The preceding dialogue is a modified version of a scene from Star Trek: The Next Generation – Best of Both Worlds – Part 1 – Written by Michael Piller – Copyright 1990 Paramount Pictures Corporation
CHAPTER 36
Richard was only half listening to Mato’s fleet preparedness speech. He already knew all the details being presented and was having trouble concentrating.
That was a long sleepless night, he thought to himself. The thought of how tired he was forced a physical yawn that he did his best to suppress. After his conversation with Heather, he had no chance of falling asleep. Even reading all the fleet status reports was not enough to push him into unconsciousness.
It was absolutely wonderful to imagine that once this war was over, he would be heading back to New Earth to marry his childhood sweetheart. It had been a long time that they had been soul mates, but it had never been the right time to formalize that universal truth.
Now, the time had come, if only this major interstellar war would end! Richard thought to himself with a half-smile.
He had not yet told anyone that anything so exciting and amazing had taken place yesterday evening. He could tell that Robin suspected something was different, as she gave him a few odd looks, but she had not spoken yet. She was likely still a little wary of another old friend type conversation like the other day. They both respected each other enough to have frank conversations. That didn’t mean that they weren’t human enough to give each other time and space to calm the emotional feelings such conversations elicited.
And, to be honest, Richard had been more than a little annoyed after Mato and Robin had left and he reflected on her statements. By the time Heather had called, that anger had waned and turned into a little sadness and self-doubt.
Thank gods for Heather, Richard thought happily. Without that amazing woman’s love and support across the stars, I doubt I would be sitting here ready to confidently defend my strategic direction against Longus!
And with that, he looked across the table toward Longus and his assembled support staff. Longus was looking attentive in his body language, but his face displayed a complete lack of interest and even a slight desire to wrap up this presentation quickly.
As Mato changed the display to his next status report graph, Richard’s monitor began to flash a light to indicate an incoming message. Pushing a button, the message displayed
on the screen to be read. It was a short message from Sara on the command deck indicating that a Watabaeg courier was coming to the meeting room and to expect him momentarily.
Clearing the display with the touch of another button, Richard leaned slightly in his chair so that his eye could watch the door and appear to still be following the presentation.
Well, at least when the courier arrives, Mato can sit down. Richard smiled at the thought that they would soon dispense with the technical reports without upsetting his Chief Engineer who really had done an impressive job managing fleet readiness.
Richard did not have long to wait. Almost immediately after he shifted himself, the light above the door brightened, and the door slid to one side allowing a very thin man in a Watabaeg Militia uniform to enter the room, followed by five Adiutrix guards.
Why did Sara send such a huge escort? Richard thought to himself. That many guards usually means that his head tactical officer was concerned about the person being guarded, either that they were a threat or they themselves were threatened. But on my ship? Richard was more than a little perplexed.
