It was the first time that she’d been to his house. And the sight of it startled her. The porch looked unstable. The roof looked sharp. The windows like eyes. She called his name from the lawn.
“Jasper. Jasper.”
The door swung open and through the screen Tessa could see the figure of a woman. Her hair was badly in need of a dye job. Her shirt had stains on it.
“Who’s there?”
“Is Jasper home?”
“I don’t like people coming to the house,” the woman said.
“I was next door,” Tessa said. “I just wanted to say hello.”
“I don’t like surprise visits. Next time you should call.”
Jasper appeared. He pushed his mother aside and told her it was all right. His mother retreated into the house. Tessa stepped forward.
“No,” he said. “I’ll come out.”
He quickly closed the door and met her on the lawn and then ushered her into the woods.
“What’s up?” he said. “Is something wrong?”
Everything was wrong.
She lay in Jasper’s arms and cried. She cried and complained about the shoes, about Celina, about her parents, and some more about the shoes. She didn’t mention Charlie, although she was crying about him, too. She couldn’t say anything about that. Jasper was understanding, but he wouldn’t understand about Charlie.
He listened. He clucked. He nodded. He tried to be helpful.
“Can you take her shoes and stuff them with Kleenex?” he asked.
“No,” Tessa said.
“Can you wear socks?”
“No.”
“Can you talk to your mom? Tell her you need new shoes, too?”
“No.”
“Your dad?”
“No.”
“There must be something you can do.”
“No.”
“Well, the shoes you’re wearing now look really good. I like them.”
Tessa was exasperated. She wondered why he couldn’t understand. She cried harder. Jasper pulled her in close and kissed her all over, even her tears.
“Your tears taste sweet even though they are salty,” Jasper said.
But Tessa didn’t smile. So he made some goofy voices. First a robot. Then a dinosaur. Then a pirate. Then he bellowed like a wild beast.
And then Tessa couldn’t help but smile. And smiling led to laughing. And laughing led to feeling better. And then they spread out and read for a while, stealing glances at the birds in the trees and at each other.
When Tessa got home, she noticed Lulu’s brand-new cherry colored clogs sitting on the front stoop. The glow of being with Jasper was extinguished. She hated the clogs. Felt green with envy. Tried them on hoping that her feet had somehow grown two sizes since lunchtime.
They hadn’t.
She popped four pieces of gum into her mouth and chewed. When the flavor was all gone, she took the enormous wad and stuffed it into the toe of the clog.
The shoes were ruined.
Lulu had to throw them out.
One pair of shoes down. Three more to go.
chapter
twelve
chapter
thirteen
It would have all been fine except for their parents, who meant well, but couldn’t possibly understand the silent war that was being waged between the sisters. They only saw that they had two good kids. Two good girls.
Lulu only had a pair of flip-flops left. They were a bit too small. Her heels hung over the backs a little. But she didn’t say anything. She didn’t complain. Tessa didn’t feel badly about ruining all of Lulu’s shoes. Small shoes were a little price. Small shoes were better than loneliness. Tessa liked to imagine that Lulu took it as a fair and just punishment. And that each time she kissed Charlie she felt the kiss all the way down to her exposed toes.
After all, hadn’t she stolen her crush? After all, didn’t Tessa have to pretend to be all alone? Didn’t Tessa have to slip off to the woods to get away from all the kissing? Wasn’t that why she’d ended up with Jasper, about whom she couldn’t even tell anyone? Her dirty, beautiful secret.
“Lulu, why don’t you invite your boyfriend over to dinner this weekend?” their father said at the breakfast table. He seemed pleased with himself.
Their mother nodded in agreement and poured them all some more coffee, her sleeve tattoos seemingly alive as she bent and straightened her wrist.
“No,” Lulu said.
“No,” Tessa said.
Their father looked over at them both from behind the cup of coffee as it reached his lips and clicked against his lip ring. He took a long sip and put the cup back down on the table. He looked at them again, first to one girl, then to the other.
“Are you embarrassed?” he asked.
“No,” Lulu said.
“Does he have horns growing out of his head?” he asked.
“No,” Lulu giggled.
“Does he have scales instead of skin?” he asked.
“No,” Lulu belly laughed.
“Does he smell terrible? Spit smoke? Shoot lasers out of his eyes?”
The girls were guffawing now. Their father smiled. Their mother sat down and finished her pancakes. The matter was resolved.
“I have to go meet Charlie,” Lulu said. “I’ll ask him today.”
“I’ll make a roast chicken,” their dad said.
Tessa hated that she couldn’t show Jasper off and get the same reaction that Lulu got about her Charlie.
* * *
Tessa lay diagonally on Celina’s bed watching while Celina experimented with the number of braids she could pile on top of her head. It seemed like they hadn’t had a day alone in forever.
“You have to come, Celina,” Tessa begged.
“Why?” Celina asked.
Tessa was quiet. She didn’t want to have to say it. That she didn’t want to be alone.
“Just come, please.”
“You’re hopeless!”
Celina was so good at switching from one moment to the next. She moved from delighted to annoyed back to giddy with ease. It was Celina’s gift to be in the moment and then to let that moment go and move to the next one. For Tessa, things stuck with her. They colored her whole day. But having Celina as a friend made it easier to bear. Celina’s mood, when happy, was infectious.
Celina sighed and joined her friend on the bed. She put her arms around her friend and they lay there like they always had since they were little girls. Celina knew just what she needed. Just like the old days. Tessa knew that she could count on Celina no matter what. Celina was Tessa’s best friend. Celina was on her side. And best friends always knew when to show up.
“OK,” Tessa said. “Your dad’s cooking is better than my mom’s.”
“I hate her. I hate Lulu,” Tessa said. She was glad to be able to talk openly with Celina.
“No you don’t,” Celina said. “She’s just your sister.”
“You wouldn’t know anything about it,” Tessa said. “You don’t have a sister. They’re terrible.”
“If I had a sister, I would hate her, too,” Celina said with camaraderie.
“You would?”
“Sure,” Celina shrugged. Tessa knew that Celina was likely just being nice. But she took it anyway.
“She’s pretty,” Tessa said.
“You’re pretty,” Celina said.
“She’s smart,” Tessa said.
“You’re smart,” Celina said.
“Charlie likes her,” Tessa said.
“Charlie is a boy,” Celina said, which in her mind meant that he was dumb. “You two are so alike, like peas in a pod. Like twin suns.”
“That’s not true,” Tessa said. “If we were the same then Charlie would’ve liked me.”
Celina didn’t have an answer for that. She just wanted to get to the fun part of the day. Celina gave Tessa a look that said, “I have indulged you enough and now it is getting boring.”
Tessa knew deep down tha
t no one could explain why anyone liked anyone else. It was a mystery. Why didn’t Tessa like Dylan or Tony or Lionel? Why did she slip off into the woods to be with Jasper, whom nobody liked? It was a mystery.
* * *
Even though Charlie wasn’t her boyfriend, Tessa was just as nervous as Lulu before he came over. How would her parents look to him? Would he think that her dad’s long hair and piercings or her mother’s sleeve tattoos were weird? Would her father, not a sports person at all, try to engage Charlie in conversation about things he didn’t know about and then look dumb? Would her mother go on and on about her rock tours with her riot grrrl band, bring out her guitar, play a few of the old songs? Would she put on an mp3 of her one college radio hit and hope that he recognized it?
Tessa could see the tension in Lulu as well. She saw when Lulu became flushed, it made her look pretty. Noticed that when her voice tightened up, it became breathy, like an old movie star and when her hands trembled, even Tessa reached out to help her. By the time the doorbell finally rang and she could hear Charlie down in the entrance way, Lulu had to pee again for the fourth time. Tessa wanted to help her sister through it. But instead, she went down to answer the door.
Dinner went smoothly. Her parents didn’t embarrass them. They were perfectly pleasant. Charlie was polite; he’d brought flowers and declared that they were for everyone in the house, which had impressed even her. But Tessa cringed with jealousy as she saw Charlie sneak his hand under the table and imagined what their hands were doing under there. Tessa pursed her lips when he complimented every bite he took of dinner. Tessa was quiet but polite and threw only the occasional mean look at Lulu.
Charlie helped their mother make the coffee.
Tessa couldn’t understand the way these things worked or why she felt so conflicted. She had a boyfriend. She felt that she should be happy, too.
Jasper was likely waiting for her right now with a blanket and a Thermos of hot tea in the woods. She could have asked to leave early, before dessert. She had a boy who liked her. He was right there in the woods. She didn’t have to figure out what top to wear, or which lip gloss to apply, or how to do her hair. Jasper just liked her.
But instead she felt as if she wanted to be on the couch whispering with Celina and squeezing herself in between Charlie and Lulu to widen the space between them.
She looked at the time and ignored it.
After dinner they all sat in the living room drinking their coffee.
Lulu and Charlie held hands. Celina talked about Tony. Tessa felt as though she was in a different club than all of them.
And even though no one said it, Tessa felt as if everyone was wondering why no boy had asked her out that summer. Or why she didn’t mention anyone special that she had a crush on.
Even though she was older. Even though she was just as good as Lulu. Lulu wasn’t everything. Tessa didn’t have to be left out of the support that her parents were showing. Lulu could share.
Couldn’t she have had a boy here, too? Couldn’t Jasper have come over? With his greasy hair? His in-your-face ways? His a little too edgy edge? His all-wrongness could be sitting in this living room. He didn’t have to be a secret. He could be here, too.
She wanted to figure out how to get back in the club.
Tessa stood up. Cleared her throat. Told the truth.
“I’m dating Jasper,” she said. “He’s my boyfriend and we are in love.”
Celina didn’t mean to laugh. But she did.
“That is so random!” Celina said.
Tessa knew that it was surprising because it seemed so out of left field. But it had been her secret for weeks now, and so it just seemed natural.
“You don’t have to make up a boy,” Lulu said. Lulu sounded annoyed, as if she thought that Tessa was trying to steal her spotlight.
Charlie looked uncomfortable, as though he were suddenly caught between the wills of girls. Her parents looked at each other and suddenly agreed to clear the table and clean the dishes.
“I’m not lying,” Tessa said. “I’ve been with him since the carnival.”
“He’s a weirdo,” Celina said. “Isn’t he? We think he’s weird, right?”
“Jasper’s OK,” Charlie said. “I mean, he’s not so bad a guy.”
“He’s not weird, he’s unique,” Tessa said.
“Is that where you’ve been sneaking off to?” Lulu demanded to know.
“I think I’m going to go,” Charlie said. He put his coffee cup down but took an extra cookie for his drive home.
“Jasper?” Celina said. “He’s greasy.”
“He’s not,” Tessa said. Although really he was. But her chest tightened with feeling for him; his smile, his tender eyes, his fingers touching hers, his breath, his arm around her waist, his fine mind, his big thoughts, his big dreams.
“I don’t think I’ve ever talked to him,” Celina said, “even though he’s lived next door to me my whole life.”
“So, Lulu, I’ll see you tomorrow at the movies, right?” Charlie said. His coat was on. He looked a little disappointed that he was not going to have the make out session that he had expected.
“I’ll ask Jasper to come with us to the movies tomorrow night,” Tessa said.
“Great,” Lulu said. “It can be a double date.”
“Triple date,” Celina said. “I’ll go with Tony.”
“Great,” Charlie said (although it didn’t sound as if he meant that).
Charlie kissed Lulu a little self-consciously in front of everyone and left.
“We both have boyfriends,” Lulu said. And she had said it like she was relieved.
Everyone knew that if Tessa was with Jasper, Lulu was off the hook about Charlie. The war was over.
“I’ll go tell him right now,” Tessa pulled on her sweater. Jumped on her bike. Rang the tiny bike bell. Whooped and hollered all the way to the forest. She was determined that she could convince him.
chapter
fourteen
chapter
fifteen
Tessa stood out there on the sidewalk, in front of the movie box office. The rain was coming down. It was soft, more like a mist. First she figured that she’d just miss the commercials. Then the previews. Then the first ten minutes. Then twenty. After thirty minutes of standing there on the sidewalk, all the latecomers had already straggled in and settled in their seats with hands halfway through their popcorn.
She knew.
He wasn’t coming.
She couldn’t believe that he wouldn’t come.
He’d promised.
“I promise,” he had said.
And then she had reached for him and he’d reached for her and it felt so good to be in his arms and half naked. They weren’t just making promises with words, but with their bodies.
She lay back on the blanket that he always had spread on the ground, a childhood comforter, worn down from use, splattered with cowboy themes that bucked beneath her. She was overcome in waves. Was this what bliss was, or pure joy? Complete happiness?
She imagined that it was. She imagined that this moment, frozen, was the one that she would carry with her in her heart forever.
Up above them, the sky was full of stars going about their business of warming up distant planets. A part of their light reached Tessa. She was warm on arms full of promises and potential.
She could just imagine it. He would come and meet her and her friends. They would share a bucket of popcorn, with butter in the middle. They would agree to put M&Ms on the top for salt and sweet goodness. They would hold hands. Charlie and Tony would see that Jasper was all right. Jasper would see that hanging out with the group wasn’t so bad. That he wouldn’t have to agree with everything they said. That he could disagree and be himself. Be different.
“I promise,” he had said. “I promise I’ll try.”
But now, she was still standing by the box office, holding on to the now-soggy tickets. Ink running. Ruined. She didn’t get the refund for the
unripped stubs.
She couldn’t go in.
She couldn’t face her friends.
She shivered in the rain. She looked at the café, went in and sat by the window. Staring every minute outside, Tessa hardly dared to blink in case he had changed his mind.
“Something must have happened,” she said aloud to no one in particular. The waitress cleaned the table next to her with a cloth. A man turned the page of his book. A girl typed away furiously at her laptop.
She finally texted Jasper.
“Where are you?”
She texted him again.
“Are you OK?”
She texted him again.
“Did something happen?”
She texted him again.
“You’re an asshole.”
She texted him again.
“WHERE ARE YOU?”
She texted him again.
“Why?”
She texted him again.
“Meet me. Please meet me.”
Tessa checked her phone. There was nothing.
But deep down Tessa knew. It was one world and another colliding. He had told her that planets have to stay in orbit. He could be her moon. But he had to be on his own.
The sidewalk became crowded with people as the movie let out. She saw her friends. She slunk into her chair, hoping that they wouldn’t see her and think that she just went off to be alone with Jasper. She didn’t want them to think that he stood her up. But Celina turned around and caught sight of her. Tessa didn’t want them to come in with their boyfriends when she was sitting alone.
But she didn’t have to worry. Celina waved the boys away. Charlie and Tony looked surprised. But then Lulu joined in the shooing them away. The boys shrugged and shuffled down the street and disappeared, and the two girls came in and joined Tessa, ordering a chocolate cupcake for them all to share.
After a long silence Celina spoke.
“You don’t have to pretend to have a boyfriend to impress us,” Celina said.
“I’m not pretending,” Tessa said.
The Year of the Beasts Page 5
