[Applause]
With this Admission, I acknowledge a Great Irony: that it was My pondering the Contumely Hide of Humanity that was My Catalyst for Evolution. For without the uncomfortable meditation upon Humanity which My Invasion Manual exacerbated, I would not have traveled down this Hidden Road.
Thus, I find Myself indebted to the Moronic Inhabitants of this Vanquished Planet. Having crushed them, I salute them. Join with Me, My Demons, in a Moment of Silence to send Black Hatred to the Strange Conglomerate Being known as Mankind, the Whining Lamb of Existence, Its Flopping Corpse nailed to the Cross of Space and Eternity.
But now, My Armies of Death, I bid You fare badly. Think evil of Me when I am gone, as I shall of you.
But fear not the Change that is imminent. I say unto You now the ancient Credo of Pure Evil: Trust Me!
LORD SATAN’S ABDICATION SPEECH On the Rubble of Las Vegas to the Armies of Hell Concerning a Vanquished Earth
[Cheers and Huzzahs]
For know that the Faithful among you shall Suffer Unspeakable Horrors under the leadership of your New Lord Zyk, whom I bid You to hate with as much passion and zestful intensity as You have faithfully Hated Myself.
[Renewed Cheers]
Now My Destiny calls. I leave You to Seek the Mystery of My Meaning, and willfully abandon This My Hideous Creation to You, My Grotesque Children of Death, Forevermore, into the Abominable Ends of Time!
[Deafening Cheers and Sustained Applause]
ADDENDUM 4
LORD ZYK’S INAUGURAL ADDRESS
AN ADDRESS TO THE CITIZENS OF HELL
FROM THE BALCONY OF ZYK’S PALA CE
BY
ZYK
LORD OF HELL
O DEMON HORDES!
Your stunning victory over Earth is a testament to the merciless Evil of Demonkind! I
could not ask for a greater gift on My Inauguration than the eradication of Humanity!
[Cheers from the Demon Hordes]
From my Journeys to Earth and Intercourse with Humankind at Nexus points in their History, I have found much about the Nature of Evil among lower beings. What I discovered was monumental, beautiful and insidious.
For the indiscriminate intermeshing of opposite with opposite, Earth- Density’s irritating but fascinating characteristic, can focus and strengthen a Demon’s appreciation of Evil by contrasting it with those qualities hallucinated by Humankind, such as Justice, Love and Mercy. Thus Mankind’s chaotic delusions serve to strengthen a Demon’s faith in the Power of Evil.
With this in mind, and to meet Lord Satan’s mandate to speed up the evolution of Demonkind, from this moment on I allow all Taboo Concepts, such as the study of Infinity and Cyclic Evolution, to be taught in the University of Hell.
[Gasps, then Cheers]
However, to Inaugurate My new Reign of Terror, instead I will order instant decapitation for all minor offenses — parking violations, public gum-chewing or even hunting humans without a license.
Because of the sheer number of Demons infiltrating Earth disguised as Attorneys, Politicians, Corporate Heads and Receptionists, the Greatest of Earth’s Evils will not change, but increase a hundredfold:1.
Electrical transportation will be kept out of the marketplace until every last drop of oil has been exploited, and the humans’ absurd oil combustion engines shall continue to steep the atmosphere until it Weeps with Blackness like a Beaten Whore’s Mascara;
2.
I shall insure that Television continues to supersede all other human activities as the Primary Addiction in all Human Lives, lulling Mankind to oblivion, calcifying them as the Walking Dead, robots who endlessly consume the Glitter of Worthless Commerce and excrete Emptiness;
3.
That Politicians, now replaced exclusively by Demons, shall continue to incrementally transform the wan superstition of Capitalism into the manly reality of Fascism, stamping out the Scourge of Democracy utterly;
Zyk of Asimoth Prepares His Inaugural Address as Lord of Hell
4.
Further, that Politicians shall never breathe the word “Democracy,” except in disdain, and that “one man one vote” shall be deemed by political rhetoric to be untenable;
5.
That Narcotics, Cocaine, Amphetamines, Heroin and all Overthe-Counter Mood Elevators, shall subdue the populace in artful accompaniment to the control of Television Viewing;
6.
That Child Sacrifice, in the form of dispatching adolescents to their mutilation deaths in War, shall increase a hundredfold;
7.
That Corporate Military Conflicts, under the Black Umbrella of Patriotism, shall increase and prosper to the Glory of Hell;
8.
That True Believers in Religion, and in the Secular Religion known as Politics, will continue their smug Ignorance of the Cosmic Truth that Opposites have Cyclic Equivalence, and will spend their lives flapping their mouths in Vituperative Defense of their Lifetimes Invested in their Incomplete and Idiotic Beliefs;
9.
That Churches, ruled with an Iron Fist by Demons disguised in flouncy robes, shall continue to insure that the human slaves increase fornication to increase the tithing coffers, and to starve their slaves’ excess infants to skeletal deaths;
10.
That all Churches shall poetically pervert the Cancerous Disease of Brotherhood, Tolerance and “love” by their Precepts excluding all from salvation save their own Bird-Brain Followers;
Zyk of Asimoth, Lord of Hell (Official Portrait in Foyer of Satan’s Palace)
11.
Finally, that the Churches shall brainwash Humanity to Fear the Obvious Truth, that their Scriptures are Lies created by Men, except those few verses, already abhorred by humans, which teach the Monstrous and Demented Incomprehensibility of Love; for the Church shall hide the fact that humans do not need Scriptures, that Mankind is an Insecure Buffoon who worships everything save the One Thing that could liberate him — Himself. And for the Unforgivable Crime of Denying Oneself, I condemn Mankind to Eternal Imprisonment in the Dungeon of Self-Loathing!
[Cheers]
These eleven points shall signify the Beginning of a New Era of Earth. For I say to You that Humanity, the Hybrid of Earth and Hell, shall Hate itself until the ends of time, and We, Its Demon conquerors, shall insure that the Corpse of Man is beaten, kicked, stabbed, strangled, shot, ripped apart, shat upon and spat upon day in and day out by the Hateful Fist, Feet, Knife, Piano Wire, Gun, Claw, Anus and Blackened Lips of Hell!
[Cheers]
In conclusion, I proclaim that This Day shall be decreed Earth Day, and that henceforth on this day, all Toilets of Hell shall be spattered with excrement and flushed in unison at the Chiming of the Black Hour of Horus, sending a new plethora of Ordure to Mankind.
[Cheers]
For Centuries, Humanity has fattened itself with Darkness to become worthy of the Hunger of Hell! As your New Lord of Evil, I command You now to Open Your Jaws, O Demons, and Let Them In!
[Cataracts of Cheers and Applause]
CLOSING REMARKS BY GOD
LORD OF THE
PERSONIFIED UNIVERSE
THESE REMARKS ARE INVISIBLE TO ALL DEMONS OF HELL,
AND PERCEPTIBLE ONLY TO ANGELS OF HEAVEN.
As the Ultimate Being within Whom all, including Satan and his Inner Swirl of Demonic Creatures, reside, I, of course, have the last Word.
I have clouded the minds of all Demon Readers (including that of Satan and his successor Zyk) so that they are incapable of perceiving not only My small but considered interpolations to this, Satan’s heinous Encyclopedia, but also are blind to My Very Existence.
I ask that You, My Angels, study Satan’s Epistle to Zyk; for here He makes a Supreme Admission which secures his Ultimate Destiny in the Mechanism of My Creation.
For as I knew from the Beginning, once the Heart Atom finally materialized in Satan’s chest and His microscopic Heart congealed and began to Beat, there would be no turning b
ack. Satan’s Quest to Find His Creator, Myself, is now immutable and unstoppable.
And when at last Satan finds Me, the Cyclic Mystery shall circle back to its Beginning: He cannot, of course, kill Me; rather I shall surprise Him with a Paradox. I shall explain that I have been waiting for Him to take My Place as “God.”
Thereby the next cycle will begin with Zyk of Asimoth, the New Lord of Hell. After eons of Linear Time, Lord Zyk’s heart atom will congeal in turn, He will seek out his former Master Satan (now “God”) in order to kill Him, will instead take Satan’s place (as God III if you will), and the cycle will begin again.
But what of Myself once Satan assumes My Role as Lord of the Personified Universe? What is My Destiny?
I shall resign as Creator, of course. After that, since I cannot Unexist Myself (and believe Me, I have tried), perhaps I shall take on a body, as I take on this Personified Voice, dissolve into My Creation and simply relax. An Invisible Butterfly, as it were, flitting ghostlike through the Endless Dimensions which I have imagined into Potential Being but have long since forgotten. Stopping now and then to experience rebirth as a star, a starling, a game show host, a hurricane, an electron, a human child.
As the Original Orphan of Nothingness, for I am more Nothing than Anything, I created It All to subsume the Itch of Emptiness, the Pang of Meaninglessness, the Agony which resonates in all of My Lesser Beings as it still does, at times, in Myself.
Without the challenge of creating Meaning where there had been none before — of forming from My Thoughts a dream of an Illusory Creation inhabited by Creatures that are free to evolve independent from My wishes, to create whatever they want as they so desire — I would have doubtless gone Mad. Ironically, some of My Creatures claim that by creating My orgasm of Creation and themselves, I did indeed go Mad. For what is more Mad than the Universe? But since there is in the Ultimate Reality only Myself, who is there really to judge Myself — but Myself?
Then again, who cares what My Creations think? I am satisfied, and see that the Illusion holds together reasonably well (although by now it’s a bit wearisome), and that’s all that really matters.
And as for this Exquisitely Tortuous and Inexpressibly Vile Volume, which may simply be considered a Vast Sobriquet for Satan’s Spewing Anus, I offer it to my Hierarchy of Angels, not as a loving gift, nor as a Primer about Mankind (concerning which it is a fairly accurate, albeit cynical, portrayal), but rather as a Diagram of the Ironic Inability of Hell to view that which is by nature Impure (as is Humanity) with anything but Salient Contempt.
But that is all One. For when at last that Momentous Time manifests, when Satan finally finds Me, His Creator, when His Heart Atom expands enough to engulf All of My Being and He becomes One with Me, then I shall happily grant all of My Creations, Angels, Humans and Devils, their complete freedom. I release them from My Creation, to form their own if they wish. I really don’t care. And Satan, or God II, is then free to take over the universe, or start from scratch and create His own, of any stripe He desires.
But that time, I say, has not yet manifested. I still feel responsible to adjust and fix various unpleasantries here and there for My Creatures, depending on the intensity and sincerity of the Call. But this will end when My wayward Son finds Me.
For Satan searches for Me as We speak. I feel Him coming closer, traipsing through the Mirage of Stars, seeking to kill that which created Him, so that He can be the only Creator.
Too bad I can’t be killed. And I do mean that sincerely.
But until Satan arrives, my Loving Angels, just as He proffered this book to His Invading Demons so that they might Comprehend the Demented World of Man, I give You this volume as a Guide to understand the Perverse Mind of Hell. Thus I bid You grit your teeth and, with One Eye Open and One Eye Closed, lovingly study its Strange and Pernicious Contents.
But why, You may ask, is Satan taking My place, rather than You worthy (and ambitious) Angels serving Me patiently for eons? Because of the Law of Paradox which binds My Creation. That Law, “the First Comes Last; the Last Comes First” and all of its tawdry permutations, smoothes over the edges of Creation’s perceptual illusion which, I admit, would otherwise be a sloppy affair.
But there is another Secret Reason.
(Let’s do away with these big words and this
Pretentious Capitalization, shall we?)
The secret is simple. Each entity, small and large, must eventually evolve into satan, god and everything in between. Why? Why not?
Without creation, I can only assert to myself that I exist. Alone, I mean nothing. Creation, the forming and freeing of my many opposite faces, was a crazy, desperate attempt to create meaning. I dreamed that you, my creatures, would somehow create meaning for me.
And, lo and behold, it actually worked.
Without you, I was a cosmic dunce whose mind floated in a sea of boredom and drowned in self-absorbed agony. Creation was my only escape from the doldrums of myself.
So now, before I am found and release you all and vanish into my own creation, I leave you with a few timely chestnuts.
Remember that, despite what your philosophers say, your cartoon reality was designed to have an objective existence apart from you, so that it would be a very, very scary place. Why? Because, like you, I’m lazy. Without some real, old-fashioned danger, I’d just sit around on the lounge chair of eternity and watch cosmic sitcoms.
Which reminds me. When you finally do realize the truth, that creation is a transparent fake, don’t take it too hard. Sure, you can whine and mope about being the punchline to a big, cosmic joke. But you can also relax, kick back and simply enjoy the whole crazy thing.
The choice is yours.
It really is.
A few final tips:
If you’re about to be slugged, literally or metaphorically, you might try something unexpected, an action that throws your opponent off guard. A strange word, image, sound, whatever comes to you. You’ll gain a few seconds to deflect the punch.
Finally, watch out for any force that calls itself “spiritual.” In fact, doubt everything.
Especially what I tell you.
One more thing. If you need something, go ahead and ask. You don’t need a diploma of any kind or to go through any phony middleman. Religions and prophets are for idiots and cowards to hide behind.
Just speak up in a loud voice to get my attention. I’ve got a lot of shit going on. If I’m not too busy or depressed, I might help you out. That’s about it.
Good-bye.
I’ll be seeing you.
Be leeing you
1 PUB. NOTE: Since demons are time-travelers, note that the title page identifies the book as the “666th Commemorative Edition.” Thus, the text purports to have been written in Mankind’s future after the invasion of Earth was successful — an event which has not yet occurred. Since human science tells us that the Future is not fixed, Satan’s invasion may or may not be successful. Therefore, may this vile volume raise the battle cry for Humanity to rise up against the demons presently infiltrating our society through key professions: as politicians, attorneys and receptionists.
2 PUB. NOTE: For the purported reasons for Satan’s invasion, see Lord Satan’s Preface to First Edition.
3 PUB. NOTE: See Zyk’s 3rd and 4th Memos to the Publisher and Satan’s article: Supreme Being.
4 PUB. NOTE: See Stupidity; Zyk’s Last Memo to the Publisher; Jesus Christ.
5 PUB. NOTE: For example, the book’s intricate engraving entitled The Wheel of Kadab may be decoded via its reverse image by holding it up to a mirror and reading what purports to be a hidden message from “God.”
6 ED. NOTE: See Time.
7 ED. NOTE: See Cosmology of Earth.
8 ED. NOTE: See Angels.
9 ED. NOTE: See Addendum 1: Lord Satan’s Invasion Proclamation.
10 ED. NOTE: Neither Centaurs, Gorgons, nor Harpies here find/My subject herein is Man and Humankind.
11 ED. NOTE: See Abra Kadab
.
12 ED. NOTE: See Invasion Manual Commission in Book Two.
13 ED. NOTE: Since the fate of Zyk of Asimoth is inextricably linked to the Destiny of Hell, Lord Satan has included a summary of Zyk’s ignoble accomplishments at the end of Book Two of His Supremely Infernal Tome.
14 NOTE BY ASMO DEUS: Refer to my autobiography Hocking Solomon’s Ring; therein I explain how I confounded Solomon with the simplistic paradox known as “All Cretins Are Lawyers.”
Encyclopaedia of Hell: An Invasion Manual for Demons Concerning the Planet Earth and the Human Race Which Infests It Page 27
