Onyx: Heart

by J. S. Lee

  CX dropped back into his seat, then reappeared moments later, this time brandishing an eye mask. “The sun is going to come up soon. Plus, you’re right behind the bathroom.”

  Xiao reached out and took the mask, handing it to me. “Thank you,” I said, accepting it gratefully. I peered at the item. “Is this an…? I don’t know what the word is.”

  “Owl,” CX said, supplying the correct word for me.

  “Hush now, my tai hou,” Xiao murmured, helping me put my mask on. “Sleep.”

  It didn’t take long for me to fall asleep to Xiao stroking my hair.

  When I eventually woke up, it was to Xiao shaking me awake. “We’re here,” he said, gently.

  I lay there for a moment. I had a crick in my neck, and my body ached from the strange position I had been sleeping in. The headache was still there, but it was at a manageable level – a top up on painkillers would resolve that.

  Finally, I inched the eye mask up, wincing at the bright light of the bus. If this was what it was like inside, I was going to need my sunglasses on before I got off the bus.

  “How are you feeling?”

  I stretched out my back before looking up at Xiao. “Much better, thank you. And thank you for-”

  “What the hell is going on back here?” Sungmin demanded.

  Yes, I was still using Xiao’s thigh as a pillow, but was he really saying he hadn’t been back here once in five hours? “I’m sorry,” I said, swinging myself upright.

  “The bus got us in two hours later than the plane would have done. We’ve gone straight to the venue. There will only be a short time to soundcheck before we have to let fans in for the fan meeting. I hope your head is feeling better.” Sungmin was short and snappy.

  Once again, he was pissed off with me. Fan-fucking-tastic.

  “I will go and get ready,” I said, quickly. I got to my feet, grabbed my rucksack and hurried off the bus. I was in such a rush, I forgot to put my sunglasses on, and I couldn’t help but wince at the bright sunlight. Inside, I took more painkiller, and then found my way to the stage.

  It wasn’t until I had received a few strange looks that I discovered the mask was still on my head.

  I let out a long breath. It was only a few hours, and then I could get in my bed.

  OK, it was more than a few hours – but that was what I was telling myself.

  Thankfully, as soon as the fans started coming into the venue, time seemed to speed up. The venue was bigger and therefore there were more fans, and more group photographs. Despite my best efforts, I was a little sluggish, so we weren’t running to time, but I didn’t stop until we were done. Only then did I allow myself to take a drink.

  I moved to the other side of the stage, purposely to avoid Sungmin. I had concluded (albeit delayed from my foggy thought processes), that he was either pissed off that Youngbin had slept in my room, or that I had gone to sleep on Xiao. Or both.

  Throw in the fact we had ten minutes until the show started instead of an hour, and I could tell he was going to rip me a new one. I was just avoiding him in the vain hope he would do it later – much later when I didn’t have a headache.

  The concert went well, all things considered. There seemed to be a few grumblings about the late start, but after MinMin had announced that they had taken a bus down to get there, they seemed appeased. L.A. was the last concert where he would have to sit, and Sungmin was lingering near him, so he’d thrown out the explanation the bus had been for his own benefit.

  I lowered my camera, during the applause he’d gotten at that. The implications of that finally set in.

  Onyx had risked being late to a show because of me.

  Sweet and amazing as it was, and I was truly moved by that, they shouldn’t have done it. I should have taken a taxi, or something. They should have gotten on that plane. They certainly shouldn’t have allowed MinMin to take the blame for that.

  That was the last time I was going to let anything like that happen again.

  After that, I refused to lower my camera for any longer than I had to. Onyx and their Black Gems deserved me at one hundred percent, even if I was feeling way below that.

  By the time the concert ended, I was exhausted, but I refused to let anyone think that was the case. I wasn’t sure how they could, but I wasn’t going to risk a repeat of Xiao – or any of them– doing anything as risky as hiring another bus!

  The trip to the hotel was made over two minibuses. As I expected, I was in the second one with all the cases and the team. Needless to say, I was grateful to be able to check in to my room. After downing several glasses of water, I collapsed on the bed, fully clothed, grateful that no one was insisting they sleep with me.

  제 10 장

  Fool

  We had two days in LA. One for the guys to relax – their first day off – and one for some press and television interviews. The younger three, CX, MinMin, and JongB were desperate to get to Universal Studios, but Sungmin vetoed that. “Then, I vote the beach!” JongB exclaimed.

  This time, we weren’t in a hotel. Instead, someone had booked us an enormous house right on the beach. It was February, but it was warmer than Vegas had been. “Sunbathing sounds like a good idea,” Xiao said.

  Most of us had laughed at that, myself included. Xiao had skin that was paler than mine. My laughter died in my throat when I realized the Chinese member was giving me a pointed look. His normal wardrobe consisted of shorts. How short did they get on the beach?

  “Mother monkeys,” I growled into my orange juice. That was a sight I wanted to see. Unfortunately, I owed Atlantis L.A. and Vegas photographs. The only way I was seeing Xiao’s beautiful body was through a laptop screen. At least he and Jiwon were more than happy to keep taking their tops off at concerts.

  I was still muttering curses under my breath when I, hours later, was staring at Xiao’s naked torso on my screen, rather than in real life. Needing a break, I walked over to the balcony and stepped out, enjoying the cool sea breeze on my face.

  When I had woken up, I had felt almost back to my normal self, but staring at a screen all day was threatening to bring back a headache I’d only just shifted. I lifted my head into the wind. The house was close enough to the ocean to taste it in the air.

  Growing up in Las Vegas, I’d always wanted to live by the ocean. Moving to Seoul would mean…

  “Hang on,” I said, aloud.

  My memory was hazy. I’d realized that while I’d been working on the photographs from Vegas. There were some shots, particularly towards the end of the show, that I didn’t recall.

  I rested my elbows on the balcony, my forehead sinking into my hands. Concussion was a weird thing. It was your brain. I wasn’t surprised that I had gaps in my memory. The doctor had said it was completely normal and that I should expect it.

  Talk about ironic.

  There was something about the Vegas show that was bothering me, but the memory was like mist, slipping through my fingers. Somehow, I knew it didn’t have anything to do with Damien, even though I could barely remember the details of that conversation either.

  It was something that had happened after.

  I’d gone to the hospital… No, it wasn’t that…

  I’d gone back to the hotel and slept… No, not that either…

  No matter what it was, I couldn’t grasp at it.

  But it was a sign that I needed to call it a day on working. I’d been told to take it easy and so far, I hadn’t. I was determined to carry on with this tour.

  I stepped back into the room and slipped my wallet and phone into my pocket. I was going to go for a walk and get some fresh air. I pulled open the door and went downstairs. The house was quiet, everyone out apart from me. I was just heading for the door, pulling my sunglasses on, when Youngbin stepped into the hallway. “I haven’t seen you all day.”

  “I thought you guys were off exploring?”

  “I made it to some music stores and bought a new microphone. I’ve just brought it back. I w
as going to check in on you.”

  “I’m fine,” I assured him. “I feel a lot better.” I sighed and stretched my arms up, popping my back. “I just needed to get away from my laptop for a while.”

  “Mind if I join you?”

  I gave his appearance another once over. Unlike me who was wearing shorts in the nice weather, Youngbin was in a pair of track pants with poppers down the side, and a racerback shirt with a picture of Tupac on the front. He was wearing a cap, which was a bonus.

  “Sure,” I agreed, hesitantly.

  “No one will recognize me,” he assured me, pulling a pair of sunglasses from his pocket.

  They helped a little, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that someone was watching us. I looked around, seeing no one. Lord, I was over reacting. I’d been out in Shanghai and Osaka with different members of Onyx doing less to disguise themselves. If Youngbin thought it was OK, then that was his decision. “I don’t have a destination in mind.”

  “How about a walk along the beach. It’s pretty quiet.” Off season, midweek, and just before work cut out for the day, the beach was pleasantly peaceful.

  I fell into step alongside Youngbin as we walked to the sand. It struck me as a little odd as we walked in front of the houses, that the house we were staying in didn’t have any walls around it. But, then again, the people at Atlantis knew what they were doing. The venue wasn’t anywhere near Venice Beach where the house was. I doubted anyone would have a clue where we were.

  Youngbin’s hand wrapped around mine, pulling me from my thoughts. I couldn’t help but give a nervous glance around, but the only people nearby were runners and dog walkers up on the Boardwalk. No one was paying us any attention. “What’s it like for you in Seoul?” I asked him, curiously.

  “I couldn’t do this,” he said, lifting my hand. “If that’s what you mean?”

  I nodded. “You said you had a girlfriend though?”

  “I was in another idol group before Onyx, and we had zero success. When I moved to Atlantis and met Gayoung, we were both nobodies. It was a lot easier to meet up in public. Back then, it was harder to get away from our managers.”

  “Sungmin?”

  Youngbin threaded his fingers between mine. “Sungmin isn’t that bad, to be honest. He’s dating a former idol himself.”

  I stopped, whipping my head around to face him. “He’s what?”

  Youngbin’s lips quirked up into a smile. “Manager Sungmin is engaged to a former member of Kittenz, Ko Moonhee.”

  My phone was pulled out of my pocket in a blur, the Hello Kitty charm jingling at the movement as I hastily googled the name. “Holy shit, she’s gorgeous!”

  “You seem surprised?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t give a crap who dates who provided both parties are single, and consenting adults. I’d have the same reaction if you’d have said he was gay. I’m just…” I stared at the photo of the beautiful Korean girl. “He’s never mentioned her.”

  “Have you ever asked?”

  That was fair. No, I hadn’t. “She doesn’t look that old,” I mused.

  Youngbin peered over and looked at the picture. “That’s from when Moonhee was still performing. She’s older than Sungmin.”

  My mouth fell open. “Way to go, Sungmin!”

  “Why the sudden obsession with Sungmin?”

  I glanced up at the idol and arched an eyebrow. “You’re the one who brought him up,” I pointed out. “You were telling me he was OK about you dating Gayoung. Or are you jealous?”

  “Sungmin is one of the good ones,” Youngbin informed me, ignoring my question. “Partly because he’s been there, but partly because he knows we’re human.”

  “I’m fairly certain he doesn’t like me.”

  “Ultimately, his job is to make sure that we’re safe. That doesn’t matter if it’s being on planes when we’re supposed to be, or if it’s protecting us from fans.” He led me over to a bench and we sat down, staring out across the ocean.

  “I have no control over your fans, and what do you mean, you need protecting from them?” I demanded, once again, looking around to see if anyone was watching us.

  Youngbin let go of my hand but only so he could wrap his arm around my shoulder. He gave it a squeeze. “As far as fans go, most of our Black Gems are amazing and we’re lucky to have them. But there are some that get a little obsessed. There are a couple who have been to every date on this tour so far, and I bet we’ll see them at all the others.”

  “I’d call that a super fan,” I muttered, making a mental note to pay more attention to the faces during the photographs.

  “Oh, we have some of them too, but they’re the ones that tend to be very respectful of personal space. It’s the ones who try to get seats in first class with us. Some of the ones – not all of them, because some belong to some great fan sites – but some of the fans with the big cameras. The amount of times we’ve had to change phone numbers over the years is crazy.” He glanced down, seeing my alarmed expression, and gave me a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry. There are other groups who have it much, much worse than we do!”

  “That’s not exactly comforting,” I frowned, moving back so I could twist in my seat and look at him. “But I’m not one of those fans.”

  “I never said you were,” Youngbin responded, looking at me like I was insane.

  “Planes and crazy fans,” I supplied.

  “The kind of fans who will be upset if they find out we’re dating. Members have had to leave their groups before – it depends on the fans and the company.”

  “Well, that’s… shit,” I muttered. If you were a fan, surely, it would be just as important to you that the person you liked was happy? A small part of me wanted to run again – protecting him like Sungmin wanted to – but at the end of the day, Youngbin, as well as Xiao, Jiwon and JongB, were all adults. They all knew the implications and they were still prepared to date. And not just a conventional relationship either.

  “But we’re not in Seoul, and right now, there’s no one around,” Youngbin said, gesturing to the empty beach in front of us. “Which is why I am going to take every opportunity to do this, while I still can.” He leaned over and gently laid his lips over mine.

  Soft, yet confident, he took control of the kiss. His fingertips caressed the skin under my ear. There was something about Youngbin’s kisses which were reassuring and yet they sent my pulse racing – every single time. My hands moved to his hair, diving into the silky softness as he tilted his head, his tongue gently teasing at my lower lip. I parted them and allowed his tongue into my mouth.

  Kissing Youngbin was just so easy. He felt like home.

  I have no idea how my brain found the memory considering I could barely concentrate on anything other than his tongue playing with mine, but something, a sentence, suddenly appeared in my mind.

  Home.

  I suddenly pulled back. “When you go home,” I said, out loud. The words left a bitter taste on my tongue.

  “What?”

  “When you go home,” I said again, closing my eyes, willing my brain to put it into context. “You said that,” I said, slowly. “You were talking about me going back to Vegas.”

  “Yes, the other night,” he agreed, frowning. “What’s the problem?”

  I sucked in a breath as the memory hit me like a punch in the gut. Youngbin had a time limit on this relationship. “Nothing,” I said, abruptly getting to my feet. “I need to go back to the house.” I started hurrying back the way we had come, praying Youngbin wouldn’t follow me because I was about ten seconds from crying.

  Of course, I wasn’t that lucky.

  “Kate!” he cried, catching up to me quicker than I liked. He stopped in front of me, making me come to a sudden halt before I mowed him down. His hands were on my shoulders. “What’s the matter? Why do you… are you crying?” Before I could stop him, he was pulling my sunglasses off.

  I reached up, furiously snatching them back. “It’s the wind.�
�

  “No, they’re tears.” He peered down at me, then, when I refused to look him in the eye, pulled my chin up to face him. “Why are you crying?”

  “It’s me,” I told him. “I’m over thinking. I just… I… fuck it! I let myself turn this into more than it is.”

  “What the hell do you mean by that?” he demanded. “This?” He narrowed his eyes. “You mean us?”

  “I’m sorry,” I said, pulling myself free of his grip. “Like I said, it was me.”

  I started walking back towards the house again, and for half a moment, I honestly thought Youngbin was going to let me go and not suffer any more embarrassment.

  And then he was back in front of me.

  “What the hell have I missed, Kate?” he asked. He was looking at me like I was insane.

  I could feel my cheeks getting warmer under his stare. “Us,” I told him. “I misunderstood us.”

  “I’m still not getting it.”

  I frowned, pulling out my phone. There was a message from Sungmin, but I discarded it and opened my Translate app instead. My Korean was improving so much, but this was clearly beyond my capabilities. “You and me,” I said, reading the screen. “I thought this relationship could have been something more. Isn’t that why you suggested dating all of you?”

  “Me? You are the one who told me about the others. You’re the one who suggested this, not me.”

  “I…” I trailed off, realizing he was right. Dumb ass. But it still didn’t change the other part. “You don’t think this is permanent.”

  “I don’t profess to be a psychic,” Youngbin said, carefully. “So, I have no ability to say whether this will be permanent, especially considering how… different this is. I have nothing to base this on. No experience of being in a relationship with multiple people. But I love those guys and I think I love you too.”

  My legs nearly buckled and suddenly Youngbin’s strong arms were wrapped around me, keeping me upright. “Then why are you talking about me going home?” I whispered. “Why was it so important to talk to the police about Damien?”